Deep Thoughts, by Ashleigh Banfield

[Problem Child]

Ashleigh: "Mr. Jewish guy, do you regard Yasser Arafat a terrorist?

Jewish guy: Wah, wahwah-wah wahwah wahaha-wahwahwah...wah.

Ashleigh (thinking) *God, I was fucking good in afghanistan. I dressed up in those scarves and managed to blend in with the locals, even though I was made up like a New Orleans whore and sporting my trendy tiny rectangular thivk frame glasses. They make me look so fucking smart, but sexy-smart, you know?*

Palestinian guy: Wah-wah-wah. Wahwah, wah-wah wah. Wah!

Ashleigh (thinking) *God, these fuckers are boring. Same shit every day. I hate politics, but it pays good, being the hottest international reporter going. I really wish I was on The View. I bet Lucy Liu has a sweeeet pussy...mmmm, come to mama, Lucy!*

Jewish guy: Wah wah-wah! Wah, wah wah-wah! wah?

Ashleigh (thinking) *That Brian Williams...what a fucking poser! He's such an airhead, with his tanning salon raccoon eye tan. Fuck him. I should have his job. Fuck, I should have Brokaw's job. Goddamn old boys club. Well, at least I didn't sleep my way to the top like that vacuous whore, Diane sawyer. What a twat.*

Palestinian guy: "Die Jew Pig!"

Ashleigh (thinking) *The chlamydia I picked up from that stud goatdealer in Kabul seems to be clearing up...*

Jewish guy: "Our Apache attack helicopters will make you dance to Hava Naghila you Arab scum!"

Ashleigh (thinking) *God, I need to get laid tonight. I wonder what Wolf Blitzer is doing....*

 

[Azwed]

HAHAHAHHHH OH GOD MAKE IT STOP

damn that was funny not your best though try harder.

 

[Throbbin_Rod]

That's funny as hell. I love it.

I'd also love to fuck Ashleigh Banfield but that's another story for another time.

 

[Problem Child]

damn that was funny not your best though try harder.

What, you're a fucking critic now? I'm not getting paid for this shit you know. If you want quality material call 1-800-DCL-JOKE.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Wolf Blitzer is forever framed in my mind as a terrified man, shaking so hard that his teeth clack as he talks, staring into the sky like a deer at headlights, and the reek of fear leeching through the glass of the television.

I'm glad I'm not Ashleigh whatserfuck.

 

[Azwed]

I would fuck her too but she would have to keep the classes on.

And maybe the head dress thing too

 

[Throbbin_Rod]

I would fuck her too but she would have to keep the classes on.

And maybe the head dress thing too

Yeah she'd definitely have to leave the glasses on.
Whenever I see her on TV the first thing I think is, "I bet she's absolutely fucking filthy in the sack."

 

[Azwed]

Yeah she'd definitely have to leave the glasses on.
Whenever I see her on TV the first thing I think is, "I bet she's absolutely fucking filthy in the sack."

One word:

Facial

 

[Throbbin_Rod]

She's got a great mouth too. She could give head to horses.

Of course the horses would want her to keep the glasses on.