Death of Innocence

[Night-Wolf]

Okay, this is my second story posted here. I would really like your comments, please. The link is http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=99465

 

[Chicklet]

I don't have time right at this minute to go through the whole story, so let me just give you my first, prejudiced impression.

The paragraphs are huge. If I were opening this story to read, I probably would click back. It's very hard for me and other readers to go through big paragraphs online...me mostly because my eyes get lost and hurt. It also might suggest that the paragraphs are actually longer than they need to be, but I will come back and actually read the story a little later and find out what's going on = )

Good luck, and I'll be back.

-Chicklet

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Okay, the first rule of erotica is that you don't put anything like this in the first paragraph:

eighteen years old ... four inches over six feet ... two hundred pounds ... sandy blond hair and deep blue eyes ... teen girls’ fantasies ... dimples ... three inches over five feet tall ... 90 pounds ... 34B cup size ... panting after her

We don't care, we don't want to know, it doesn't make them come to life. If they had a sense of humour or anything that made them seem human, you could mention that. But this is like an office supplies catalogue.

Another rule of erotica is that you're trying to instil a certain heightened tone, an excitement, perhaps a romance -- weaving a spell, anyway. So you don't switch from a brutal murder to teen skin fantasies to a history of psychic superpowers in the same paragraph.

The next problem is that ideas are often repeated, with minor variations, in neighbouring sentences:

James decided to search for his beloved sister ... James began casting his thoughts out, trying to find his sister. ... she cast her own thoughts back to him.

and this running repetition over numerous paragraphs:

but she didn’t dare tell him what she knew until ... She knew as soon as she told him what she knew, he would ... and she knew when she told him what her mother had said

James suspected his sister wanted to tell him something when he caught the look in his Jackie’s eye. He had seen that look before, and it always meant, I need to tell you something important.

When he had disappeared from sight, James turned to Jackie, wanting to find out what she wanted to tell him.

Jackie knew her brother would be upset with what she knew, but she also knew he deserved to know.

Third point:

Jackie knew the turmoil her brother was going through

He isn't going through any turmoil. He shows no emotion, and no interest in what's going on. It's like he's looked in the fridge and there's no orange juice left. Oh that's a pity.

Later he says fuckin' and bastards, but he's still wooden and unemotional.

Fourth point:

James quickly slid behind the steering wheel while Jackie got in on the opposite side. When they were both seated, James started the powerful engine and sped away,

Why 'quickly'? Would the usual way to get into a car after you've run to it be to slide gently in and dawdle on the seat before starting it? You say 'quickly' quite a few times, often in places where we can presume it was quick anyway. If you need to convey quickness, you can do it with hurried phrasing: streamline the grammar and cut out unnecessary words. Instead, you have the slowing-down details of waiting until they're both seated, and starting the engine. If you're describing someone getting in a car and driving away, you really don't need to dwell on opening the doors, sitting on the seats, turning on the ignition, unless these details are particularly relevant.

 

[Night-Wolf]

Rainbow skin, I only have a couple of things to say, first off, was there anything you liked? If you want to discourage an author, the best way to do it is to slam them and not say anything about any possible good points the story may have. If you are wanting to be the only one posting stories then by all means continue as you are. I am not a great author and have never claimed to be. I am still honing my writing skills and I grant you that I have a lot of room for improvement. However, as much as I want to know what I am doing wrong, I would like to also know what I am doing right, which in your case you seem to be saying absolutely nothing is right. I appreciate CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, but not what to me is a slam.

 

[hiddenself]

Is this what you want?

That was an excellent story, beautiful writing, worthy of a Nobel Prize in literature. Anyone who disagrees should have his/her head checked. Anyway, you already knew this and you only posted the story here to test us ignorant folks.

 

[Night-Wolf]

No, I want actual constructive criticism. I really do want suggestions to improve my writing, but I also want to know what I'm doing right so I will know what I should continue doing. I know Death of Innocence isn't a literary masterpiece, and if it seemed like I needed ego stroking I don't. Just a BALANCED review.

 

[DarlingNikki]

I don't know if you've ever given the type of detailed feedback that Rainbow Skin gave you. If you have, you should know how much time and effort is put into it (a lot). I looked at your story, and found the first paragraph too dense to get through; you should appreciate the fact that someone else persevered, especially as her feedback makes a lot of sense. You asked for comments and you got them. You don't have to use them, but if you don't like them, just say thanks and move on. And if you are going to quibble, you could take your own suggestion and employ a little politeness.

 

[Night-Wolf]

I honestly didn't mean to be impolite. I only felt it was fair to know what was right about the story if anything. I realize they put a lot of time and effort on their post, but if you would think about it, authors that havent been at it too long are already a bit nervous about posting a part of themselves where everyone can see it. Rainbow Skin should know how much time, effort, and yes even how much of themselves an author puts in their story. If someone comes along and doesnt even find one good thing about a story, what's to keep the writer of said story from quitting? If my comments were rude, I apologize.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Well I went back and continued reading and it does get a lot better, but that first paragraph really did put me off. Hold on, let me look at it again...

 

[Hotcappucino]

First of all, I'll have to qualify my comments by saying that I'm a newbie writer myself. That being said, I would have to agree with everything that Rainbow Skin has stated, particularly with regards to the paragraphs being much too long. I would take a look at the excellent Writer Resources at http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/writ_stor.shtml for help on structuring your paragraphs as well as many other useful tips.

The whole story, to me, reads like some bad B movie. There's no character development; at least, none that makes us understand what makes the characters tick or compels us to care about the characters.

The dialog is very stilted and unnatural, especially the dialog with the mortician.

There's too many details in some instances and too little details where there should be more. For example, the scene in the restaurant and the drive out to New Mexico was unnecessarily detailed. The erotic scenes were also too detailed. Not that I don't like sex scenes, but because sex didn't appear to be the main focus of the story, the contrast in detail between the two sex scenes and the rest of the story appeared too inconsistent.

The climactic confrontation with the antagonist, Dr. Atkinson, on the other hand, is much too superficial. Here you have the heroes of the story meet their evil villian and do away with him all in half a paragraph.

It seems that the use of the twin's powers was very inconsistent. For example, if they could a power of invisibility (which, by the way, seemed to come a little out of left field) at the hotel, why couldn't they use it to get past the front gate at the plant? If they could scan people's minds, why didn't they scan the mortician's mind? The overall use of their powers seemed like a sort of "deus ex machina," i.e., a convenient way of getting around obstacles in your story instead of taking the time to devise another way out for your characters.

As far as something constructive, I would say that your spelling is above average.

 

[Night-Wolf]

1st off HotCappucino, let me say I hope you have a lot of success in your writing. You brought up some valid points. I didn't intend to have anything come out of "left field" , I should have gone into more detail. I have to admit you gave me a good chuckle with the part about the spelling. I appreciate you trying to find something nice to say about the story . Good luck on your writing.