Dear Tzara

[corndog_]

Perhaps I should start a poet's advice column. Ask Tzara (About Prosody, Poetry, & Life). Cable syndication is not far off.

Dear Tzara,
I have tried quitting poetry often, but each time I gain word weight. It has led to secretive purging on porn websites. How can I reclaim my self esteem before my loved ones walk in on me rhyming with my pants down?

Too Big for My Britches.

 

[Tzara]

Dear Tzara,
I have tried quitting poetry often, but each time I gain word weight. It has led to secretive purging on porn websites. How can I reclaim my self esteem before my loved ones walk in on me rhyming with my pants down?

Too Big for My Britches.

Dear Big Person:

Tzara suggests you investigate alternative activities that can reduce your word weight while retaining some semblance of self-respect. Perhaps the fastest and most efficient way of removing heavy words from one's vocabulary is to write a doctoral dissertation on any of various French cultural theorists. This not only allows one to egest words like "semiotician" or "phallologocentrism" (both of which are about as heavy as words get), but one can even use the French form of the word (e.g., phallologocentisme), which for many logorrheics seems to lead to more rapid word loss.

Of course, many writers may not be accepted into appropriate graduate programs so that they can use this technique of losing words. Fortunately, alternatives are available, including serving as a political pundit on various television and cable channels (the extremely heavy verb "bloviate" counts for these kind of jobs, even if never used by the correspondent), writing multi-volume fantasy stories (it is recommended that the writer serious about word-weight loss work towards producing a decalogy rather than the more commonplace and relatively wordly parsimonious trilogy), or, as a last resort, spend some time as a spoken word artist, who (oddly similar to his silent counterpart, the mime) may simply recite words of various weights with little concern as to coherence, cohesiveness, or comprehension.

In any case, Tzara wishes you well in weaning yourself from Too Much Poetry. Upon occasion, rhyme seems to ring too much in his ears as well.

tz

 

[champagne1982]

Dear Tzara,
I have tried quitting poetry often, but each time I gain word weight. It has led to secretive purging on porn websites. How can I reclaim my self esteem before my loved ones walk in on me rhyming with my pants down?

Too Big for My Britches.

Dear Little Britches,

Purging on porn websites isn't nearly as bad as bingeing on Wikipedia...

Sincerely,

someone who knows

 

[corndog_]

Dear Big Person:

Tzara suggests you investigate alternative activities that can reduce your word weight while retaining some semblance of self-respect. Perhaps the fastest and most efficient way of removing heavy words from one's vocabulary is to write a doctoral dissertation on any of various French cultural theorists. This not only allows one to egest words like "semiotician" or "phallologocentrism" (both of which are about as heavy as words get), but one can even use the French form of the word (e.g., phallologocentisme), which for many logorrheics seems to lead to more rapid word loss.

Of course, many writers may not be accepted into appropriate graduate programs so that they can use this technique of losing words. Fortunately, alternatives are available, including serving as a political pundit on various television and cable channels (the extremely heavy verb "bloviate" counts for these kind of jobs, even if never used by the correspondent), writing multi-volume fantasy stories (it is recommended that the writer serious about word-weight loss work towards producing a decalogy rather than the more commonplace and relatively wordly parsimonious trilogy), or, as a last resort, spend some time as a spoken word artist, who (oddly similar to his silent counterpart, the mime) may simply recite words of various weights with little concern as to coherence, cohesiveness, or comprehension.

In any case, Tzara wishes you well in weaning yourself from Too Much Poetry. Upon occasion, rhyme seems to ring too much in his ears as well.

tz

Charge the thesaurus to 50, stat! He's expostulating! Clear!

 

[corndog_]

Dear Little Britches,

Purging on porn websites isn't nearly as bad as bingeing on Wikipedia...

Sincerely,

someone who knows

You're an enabler, aren't you? We'll hate ourselves tomorrow.

But help me out of these tight pants!

 

[butters]

Charge the thesaurus to 50, stat! He's expostulating! Clear!

shocking!

i personally find the occasional expostulation quite beneficial and three hail mary's seem to cover the backsliding

 

[champagne1982]

You're an enabler, aren't you? We'll hate ourselves tomorrow.

But help me out of these tight pants!

First, give us a little spin won't ya?

shocking!

i personally find the occasional expostulation quite beneficial and three hail mary's seem to cover the backsliding

I think you're confusing expostulation with remonstrance. Although close in meaning, hail Mary's are inadequate for words containing the letters s, e, and x.