Dear Red States

[fieryjen]

This has apparently been making its way 'round Facebook. It's obviously quite political, and I hope people won't get their underpants in a twist about it.

I thought it had some amusing parts, and I took it in good fun (though I do wonder where they got some of those numbers from).



Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan , Illinois, and all the Northeast. And given the whupping John McCain is getting, there may be a few more states to add from the east, and Midwest.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of "Nueva California ." To sum up briefly: We get stem cell research and all the best beaches. You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America 's venture capitalists and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You red states finally get to pay your fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nueva California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America 's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford , Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University Clemson and the University of Georgia . We get Hawaii and Yosemite , thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent believe that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico .

Peace and out,

Blue States

 

[Safe_Bet]

This has apparently been making its way 'round Facebook. It's obviously quite political, and I hope people won't get their underpants in a twist about it.

I thought it had some amusing parts, and I took it in good fun (though I do wonder where they got some of those numbers from).



Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan , Illinois, and all the Northeast. And given the whupping John McCain is getting, there may be a few more states to add from the east, and Midwest.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of "Nueva California ." To sum up briefly: We get stem cell research and all the best beaches. You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America 's venture capitalists and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You red states finally get to pay your fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nueva California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America 's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford , Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University Clemson and the University of Georgia . We get Hawaii and Yosemite , thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent believe that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico .

Peace and out,

Blue States

*Snerk* Beautiful.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

We get all the good music too.

 

[rgraham666]

Not sure I'm happy about that. I'd like to see America as a single nation. There are a lot of problems with it Balkanizing.

I also don't like the 'You're not really Americans' tone to it. This is a drum that the neo-cons have been pounding for decades. I'm sad to see the other side dancing to it.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Dear Blue States,

No problemo.

We in the Red States get to keep virtually all the oil and gas production in America,as well as most of the automobile plants. Ditto for grain. livestock, seafood, and vegetables cultivation. We'll control the Mississippi River and much of the Ohio and Missouri Rivers, nor will you be able to flyover our Red States to get to Nueva California. We keep almost all of the NASA launch sites and control centers, plus most of the important military bases. We keep the coal and most of America's mineral wealth. We keep most of the major national parks.

Toodles

 

[Guest]

That made me giggle

I like seeing absurd in a fun light

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

ROB

Naaah. The split is coming. I even see Western Canada joining the Red States with Ottawa & Quebec merging with the Blue States. No one wants the Newfies.

 

[Guest]

Not sure I'm happy about that. I'd like to see America as a single nation. There are a lot of problems with it Balkanizing.

I also don't like the 'You're not really Americans' tone to it. This is a drum that the neo-cons have been pounding for decades. I'm sad to see the other side dancing to it.

The only state that's going to secede is Alaska.

Todd's working on it as we speak.

It's okay. You can't see it on a map of the U.S. anyway.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Not sure I'm happy about that. I'd like to see America as a single nation. There are a lot of problems with it Balkanizing.

I also don't like the 'You're not really Americans' tone to it. This is a drum that the neo-cons have been pounding for decades. I'm sad to see the other side dancing to it.

Yeah, but our drummers have better rhythm.

And our dancers take their clothes off.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

SARAH

A split is coming.

 

[Belegon]

The only state that's going to secede is Alaska.

Todd's working on it as we speak.

It's okay. You can't see it on a map of the U.S. anyway.

if Alaska secedes, do I get dual citizenship? (born in Anchorage)

 

[Guest]

if Alaska secedes, do I get dual citizenship? (born in Anchorage)

You can get whatever dual things you want, baby.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Speaking as a second generation Los Angeleno, the rest of you Blue Staters can go suck an egg. We don't need you, our economy is already bigger than Canada's and we aren't the least bit interested in funding you the way we've been funding Washington, D.C. for years. Surf and smoke free or die. Californian independence!

 

[DesertPirate]

Socialist?

"A 7-year-old radio interview in which Barack Obama discussed the failure of the Supreme Court to rule on redistributing wealth in its civil rights rulings has given fresh ammunition to critics who say the Democratic presidential candidate has a socialist agenda.

The interview -- conducted by Chicago Public Radio in 2001, while Obama was an Illinois state senator and a law professor at the University of Chicago -- delves into whether the civil rights movement should have gone further than it did, so that when "dispossessed peoples" appealed to the high court on the right to sit at the lunch counter, they should have also appealed for the right to have someone else pay for the meal.

In the interview, Obama said the civil rights movement was victorious in some regards, but failed to create a "redistributive change" in its appeals to the Supreme Court, led at the time by Chief Justice Earl Warren. He suggested that such change should occur at the state legislature level, since the courts did not interpret the U.S. Constitution to permit such change.

"The Supreme Court never ventured into the issues of redistribution of wealth and sort of basic issues of political and economic justice in this society, and to that extent as radical as people try to characterize the Warren Court, it wasn't that radical," Obama said in the interview, a recording of which surfaced on the Internet over the weekend.

"It didn't break free from the essential constraints that were placed by the founding fathers in the Constitution, at least as it has been interpreted."

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

The Blue States get to keep the Special Olympics; Britney belongs to us.

 

[3113]

Speaking as a second generation Los Angeleno, the rest of you Blue Staters can go suck an egg. We don't need you, our economy is already bigger than Canada's and we aren't the least bit interested in funding you the way we've been funding Washington, D.C. for years. Surf and smoke free or die. Californian independence!

Here! Here! Let's see who calls us "Fruit and Nuts" then! Ha! We'll take it all and leave the rest with nuthin!

 

[cloudy]

y'all know my politics, but I couldn't resist...

If the south woulda won we woulda had it made.
I'd probably run for president of the southern states.
The day Elvis passed away would be our national holiday.
if the south woulda won we woulda had it made.

I'd make my surpreme court down in Texas
and we wouldn't have no killers getting off free.
If they were proven guilty then they would swing quickly,
instead of writin' books and smilin' on t.v.

we'd all learn cajan cookin' in Louisiana
and I'd put that capital back in Alabama.
we'd put florida on the right track, 'cause we'd take Miami back
and throw all them pushers in the slammer.

Oh if the south woulda won we woulda had it made.
I'd probably run for president of the southern states.
the day young skynyrd died, we'd show our southern pride.
if the south woulda won we woulda had it made.

"play alittle dixieland, boys. ah yes!"

I'd have all the whiskey made in Tennessee
and all the horses raised in those Kentucky hills.
the national treasury would be in Tupelo, Mississippi
and I'd put Hank Williams' picture on one hundred dollar bills.

I'd have all the cars made in the Carolina's
and I'd ban all the ones made in china.
I'd have every girl child sent to Georgia to learn to smile
and talk with that southern accent that drives men wild.

I'd have all the fiddles made in Virginia,
'cause they sure can make 'em sound so fine.
I'm going up on Wolverton mountain and see ole Cliften Clowers
and have a sip of his good ole Arkansas wine.

Hey if the south woulda won we'd a had it made.
I'd probably run for president of the southern states.
when PatsyCline passed away that would be our national holiday.
if the south woulda won we'd a had it made.

I said if the south wouda won we would a had it made!
Might even be better off!

 

[3113]

I said if the south wouda won we would a had it made!
Might even be better off!

Yeah, right. I don't suppose that song was written by a person of color

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Mencken imagined a nation like Switzerland or Austria or the better parts of Italy. The South would be the place where stressed Blue Staters come to relax and unwind and be indulged in hospitality, without vulgar minorities and manic Yankee parsons.

 

[Safe_Bet]

The Blue States get to keep the Special Olympics; Britney belongs to us.

Deal. One skank in exchange for a bunch of great kids. In a heart beat asshat!

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yeah, right. I don't suppose that song was written by a person of color

Hank Williams Jr.


Wadn't half the man his daddy was...

 

[Safe_Bet]

y'all know my politics, but I couldn't resist...

Don't sweat it hon. I'll get you a visa. I might not have to though. With one of the few people there with an IQ higher than their shoe size you'll probably end up owning 3 or 4 states.

 

[Lee Chambers]

I hate to break it to you folks, but if the Blue states separate from the Red states, Texas will break away completely and become it's own state.

 

[Safe_Bet]

I hate to break it to you folks, but if the Blue states separate from the Red states, Texas will break away completely and become it's own state.

That's a change? I always thought the Repubic of Texas always was its own country and just kinda hung out with the rest of us?
(which I can well understand wanting to hang out with us "Cool Kids" from California! )

 

[DesertPirate]

That's a change? I always thought the Repubic of Texas always was its own country and just kinda hung out with the rest of us?
(which I can well understand wanting to hang out with us "Cool Kids" from California! )

The cereal state is cool?
Nothing but a bunch of fruits, nuts, and flakes there.