Dear Prudence...

[cymbidia]

Do you guys know Dear Prudence, the online advice columnist? I like her (if it is a her). I think she normally gives sound advice and she's usually a fun read. Here's something very current. Any comments?

Dear Pru,
Fourteen years ago I married my husband, loving all qualities about him—especially his traditional views on marriage and kids. He is a great provider, planner, dad, etc. Shortly after our nuptials, I found a crate of porn (the hard stuff). I found out he is absolutely consumed by the dominatrix fantasy and light-pain thing. I am not. I have given those games and costumes a try. I've even gone to some pretty interesting retail shops, but frankly, it turns me off. We've gotten to a point where I avoid sex because I know what he wants and it's not the fun, sensual kind of love-making I want. I feel uncomfortable with this and am haunted by the knowledge that I am not what he wants. I am not unattractive or unsexy (even though I am a larger size), but I do feel like a trussed ham in vinyl and stilettos. I am adventurous but think sex should feel great and be fun, not abusive, even if it's on the light side of "ouch." I am treating this like an itch; maybe if I ignore it, it will go away. Who is the twisted nut here?

—Mistress Mary (Not)


Dear Mis,
S&M is nothing one can go along with just to be sociable. You're either into it, or you're not. There can be no mutually rewarding sex if you can't participate with enthusiasm. The fact is that you and your husband sound entirely incompatible in the bedroom. Unfortunately, his taste for S&M will not go away if you ignore it. Prudie is not going to suggest that you invite him to leave the marriage, taking his whips and chains with him. She will suggest, however, that you both go to a couples counselor or a sex therapist. The odds are that a professional has dealt with this problem more than once. For you to suffer with this situation would mean that you're just into M.

—Prudie, interventionally

http://slate.msn.com/?id=2065457

I think the advice given here by Prudence is pretty sound, overall. She says what we say: one cannot really change a partner if they don't want to be changed.

Seems so commonsense, doesn't it?

But we get kinky folks coming here (and all over the net) with thier frustrations sticking out and asking HOW can they get (make) their partners to play BDSM games.

The short answer, for both sides, is that unless one's partner WANTS to change to be more like the way you want them to be, they won't. It's not even fair to push them.

After all, we don't want to be nilla, do we? Some of really can't; we've tried it and failed, sometimes repeatedly. The gods know we've tried.

Some of us know that our partners (present or past) will *not* play in our sandbox, though most of us have had parners that gave it a full-hearted go.

It's frustrating.
It's hurtful for everyone involved.

That's the way things go, though, isn't it? Sometimes, anyway.

However, part of Prudence's answer was wrong for me, at least, since i do not and will not believe that there's something inherently wrong with us, something we could (and should) work out in counseling. We are who we are. If our partner is like us, then we can count ourselves fortunate. If our partner is not like us, then we have to do some soul searching as to whether our needs are being so suffocated that we're unable to continue the relationship. If we have no partner, well, we keep looking for someone who is like us, i suppose. What else is there?

 

[WriterDom]

Changing.

I don't think it holds much promise.

I'll never offer much encouragement to someone involved with a nilla unless their partner seems a little open to the idea.

As far as something being "inherently wrong with us," I've never met a psychologist or grad student who wasn't kinky.

 

[KestralWolfe]

I have to agree with both of you, WD, and Cym. I don't believe, could never believe, that our lifestyle....our way of loving, of sex, is wrong, or sinful (as so many have tried to convince me, grrrr). When I was a kid I was a tomboy...my parents thought there was something very wrong with me, and so I started going to a shrink...if I could change one thing in my life, that would have been it...and at the mature age of 12 the shrink decided I was gender-disphoric. Because I climbed trees, rocks, played in the dirt, and refused to wear pink, or dresses.

This ties in, I promise .

So, here I am, a Domme...a leatherdyke...a Daddi. Many have told me that this part of me is sick, and wierd. People in the Ds lifestyle. People with kinks that I have. What I want to know is....why is this so very wrong, or "sinful"? What is it about what I do that makes people (some people) cringe, and back off...sometimes taking their friendship away because of it. Why ... when we're all just kinky people who love in a different way?

Sorry for the rant, but I felt the need to vent my spleen.

KW

 

[lilfrk]

I saw this Prudie thread the other day and thought. I should post that at Lit. But I got side tracked and I never did it. So here it is once again.

I agree with you guys. He can't be changed by going to see a sex therapist. I'm not even sure what Prudie thinks a sex therapist is going to do. Change her or him?

Oh well...we all are, who we are. Not much is going change that unless we choose to bury who we are. I'm just not prepared to do that anymore.

 

[cindy4u]

I am new to all this and my partner wants to get into it more then me,

What I cannot under stand is all the pictures that look to me that there’s real bad pain inflicted to each other.

Also why do you have to ware as little as poss some times nothing at all, isn’t it nicer and sexier to leave it to your imagination.

I can imagine mainly men more then women might get in to this because of the nudity?

Help me to understand more.

cindy

 

[Richard49]

IMHO those that are D or S can not survive with a nilla
It will eat them till there is no them

However we all are different intensities of the D/s
I mean all of us here

So that takes us back to communications