Dear Florence

[Handley_Page]

An idea: Suppose you were to read the answer in an agony column where the question was not given ?
Now assume that it is in the Steampunk time-line (basically, late 19th early 20th C).
The words have to be pertinent and no longer than a short simple paragraph.
The object of the exercise is to infer something, not blast it out.


For example:-

Dear Millicent
Such expressions of passion should be kept firmly in check until you have both said “I do”. After that time, of course, you can do what you will with each other, but I recommend a good First Aid box or buy a house near a Medical Practice or Hospital before you start.
Florence.

 

[oggbashan]

Dear Adeline,

A gentleman should not ask a lady to consider such a course of action. If he persists, he is no gentleman and you should terminate any contact with him forthwith. The activity he is asking you to contemplate is not only illegal but morally obnoxious, suitable only for lower order mammals. You would avert your eyes from animals doing it so why should he ask you to do it?

If you would send me a stamped addressed envelope, I will return it with a copy of my leaflet "Marriage is for mutual enjoyment". There are activities that can be mutually pleasurable, within the sanctity of marriage and behind closed doors.

Florence

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Dear Mlle d'C.;

I sympathize with your plight, but I'm afraid you must bear some responsibility for the predicament you find yourself in. The double-locked door to the laboratory should have made you wary, and respectable scientists do NOT smoke opium and swill brandy to 'get their juices flowing' before conducting experiments. And if not that, then the strictly-laced corsetry and leather manacles should have most definitely given you pause as to the nature of his scientific 'work.'

I would remind you that you agreed to be his laboratory assistant, and not experimental subject, and so you are under no obligation to remain under his employ in that horrid place. Your insistence on remaining I can only ascribe to these obscene and unseemly desires this charlatan has awoken in you, and I urge you to bend all your efforts towards effecting a prompt and efficacious escape.

With alarm,

--Florence

P.S. I would not trust the hunch-backed gardener any farther than I could throw him, and whatever it is he has in his pocket, I assure you it's not a 'snake'! --F.

 

[TE999]

Dear Matilda;

Your query came as something of a surprise to even such a worldly personage as I in the ways of love and romance, but never the less I do have an answer for you.

Being in a polyamorous relationship with two men is startling in and of itself, but when an anatomically correct mechanical man is introduced into said relationship, the mind boggles.

My advice is as follows: Never engage in any amorous activities unless you have an adequate amount of lubricating jelly that can be used for treating superficial burns and or residual discomfort in any orifice and never, ever allow the mechanical man to be the top no matter if its singly or in combinations.

Yours,

Florence Heartthrob, Daily Mail and Courier

 

[oggbashan]

Dear Eleanor,

What you describe is a fetish. A true fetishist cannot have a meaningful relationship with a real person, only with the object of the fetish. Unless you share that fetish, or are prepared to tolerate his interest, your relationship will be still-born.

If his fetish had been for you to be wearing diamonds, or expensive furs, then you might have found consolation in their acquisition for you. A fetish for women's unmentionables which only you, your laundry maid, and he on rare occasions once you are married, can see, seems scarcely worth your acquiescence.

I suggest that you should reject his advances and wait for a more suitable spouse.

Florence

P.S. If he wants to wear them too, or buys them in a very large size, reject him NOW!

 

[3113]

Now assume that it is in the Steampunk time-line

Why do we have to assume this?

 

[oggbashan]

Why do we have to assume this?

I didn't bother. I assumed 1890 to 1910.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Why do we have to assume this?

Because we get to use quaint language, of course!

My dear Mr Vexworth;

Please do not involve your younger friend in your enquiries. To send an impressionable youth to such an establishment may well lead to a dangerous misapprehension-- and you might not get him back again.

Furthermore, once such intents are inscribed to paper they are difficult to disown. A man in your position must think to the future.

 

[Angellica1612]

Dear Miss Evangeline,

I was quite shocked by the content of your correspondence. I fear your very soul is in dangerous waters with this man, and I encourage you to extricate yourself with all due haste. Activities such as he is suggesting are morally reprehensible and most disgusting in nature. He is an unnatural man of the worst sort. A young lady should never even hear such filth, and I fear you are now tainted by it. Much penance will be required to make your young mind clean and whole again. It will require great fortitude on your part, including making public this man's perversions. You must do so in order to protect the virtues of other young ladies in your community that he will prey upon once you have removed yourself from his evil clutches. I recommend a diet high in meats and fruits, and many hours upon your knees seeking cleansing of your soul. I shall pray that Our Lord and Master will see fit to accept your penance and restore you to a state of proper virtue.

Florence