Dear Brother (Closed for Scuttles)

[Faux_Pas]

It still felt such a blur.
They had gone out for dinner, and everything seemed to be going just fine. Everything was the same as usual. Paul had his favorite drink, had ordered his favorite meal. A nice five month anniversary dinner. Sure, they still had spats once in awhile, but this was among one of her longest running relationships in years. Amy hadn't stopped smiling since the moment they took their table, cradling the glass of Red Cat she had ordered as they waited for the bill.

"How was everything?," She asked softly, smiling to him once more.
She should have noticed, really. Looking back at it now, she should have seen it. The way he never looked at her once. The way his drink had been so utterly fascinating through the salad. The way he found ways to skirt conversation, made things short.

"Fine." Paul cleared his throat, tapping the table as the bill was placed upon it, eyeing the little black folder and then back to her. "You've got this one, right? Seems I forgot my wallet."

He tended to forget that quite a bit.
One of his quirks, she chalked it up.

"Listen, Amy..." He paused, waiting until he saw her stick the $50 bill into the folder, quickly snatching it from her hand and setting it on his side of the table. "I've been thinking. There's been a few new job offers made at work, and I think I really want to apply for them. Now, we've talked about how furthering my career is the top priority. I really wish you would try to put just a bit more effort in improving yourself. It's rather embarrassing to make such improvements in my own life and you're simply skating by yourself."

Amy set her drink down with that, staring at him blankly. "But... Paul... My internship-"

"That internship is pointless. You're not making a dime, Amy. Rather silly, if you ask me." He sniffed with that, taking a drink of his scotch. "I don't see how you intend to support us in any form if you keep that up." the cup was set back down firmly with that, a stern look taking his features. "I'm sorry, Amy. But I don't believe this relationship is doing either of us any good. It just feels like you're holding me back, and just not holding the same plans for the future as me. I really think it's for the best if we just end things now."

End.. things?
"Are you- Are you breaking up with me?" Her voice nearly squeaked with that, a horrified look taking her face.

"Oh, Amy." His frown grew with that, leaning over to kiss her forehead. "You poor little thing. I feel so sorry for you sometimes."


Sorry.
He was sorry.
Not for breaking up with her.
But because of how pathetic she was.

It was 3 days ago. And she was still realizing how pathetic she truly was, how right he had been. Her eyes burned terribly from how much she had cried, her throat swollen from the sobs she had choked back.

Alcohol had helped to comfort, only a little. Enough to try and forget. Enough to make herself fall asleep. She needed someone to talk to, someone to help her deal with it.

She hated herself. Hated everyone. She hated how right people were about how wrong she was.

Paul was the same as the others.... All the ones who told her about her faults, the ones who made her see how badly she had ruined their lives. She had never noticed how much trouble she could create with what she thought was love. But they all did the same thing, they all found some reason to leave her... But at the same time, they also managed to take a giant chunk from her. Paul, it was money. Ted, it was her things. Markus left her with hospital bills after he found it fun to beat her up after going out with the guys.

They all had something else in common.
They had all been the kind of guys she was warned about.
All from the same guy.

She needed to talk to him. Now. To simply hear his voice, to get affirmation.
She picked up her phone from the night stand, sniffling softly as she wiped away her tears and scrolled through her contacts.

Bro.
Send.

She waited for it to ring, trying hard to keep the tears from coming through once more.
Voicemail.
She took a breath as his voice came through, fighting the waver that tried to develop. "H-Hey. It's Amy... I just- I need to talk to you. I..." It wasn't holding. She lost it. "You were right, you were so right," She started to sob, shaking her head as she held the phone. "Paul was- he's... We broke up, he said- I'm... I'm pathetic, I really am... Please... Call me back... I need you, please..."

She hung up, dropping the phone. Talking was too hard to a voice that couldn't answer.

 

[Scuttle Buttin']

"Amy hit the atmosphere, caught herself a rocket ride out of this gutter..."

The phone, tossed casually on the nightstand, lit up and began to buzz across the surface. Adam froze, which caused the woman under him to do the same, their eyes meeting in a darkness that was lessened some by the artificial glow from the phone. He knew as soon as he heard it that it was his sister calling, and despite the fact that he was fully inside the woman under him, he actually for a moment considered answering it.

"...anytime it rains, she just feels a lot better. And that's all that really matters to me..."

"Do you want to get that?," she asked, nearly as breathless as he was.

The song was nearing the end, the switchover to voice mail imminent, and the scales were quickly tipping in the direction of answering. Given the hour, it seemed as if something had to be wrong, but it could also just be because they had not talked in a few days and she was calling to catch up. He thought she had a date with Paul, or perhaps it was a couple nights back, maybe she was just calling to say-

Darkness.

Silence.

Voice mail.

Fingers found the back of his neck, pulled him down into a kiss, and they resumed. In the back of his mind, though, a bit of worry started to creep in. The short sound to inform him that he had a voice mail a few moments later, a sound he was waiting for and he was certain had not been heard by the woman who was sharing her bed with him, only increased this.

After they'd finished, she lay on his chest, fingers tracing abstract patterns as he stared at the ceiling and wondered what could be in that message. He wanted to say he'd be right back, he had to go to the bathroom, snatch up his phone as he went and find out. But it would be hard to do without her seeing, and she'd get suspicious about what was so important, and then if it was nothing he'd have to tell her it was nothing, and if she didn't believe him he'd have to play the voice mail for her so she could see for herself, and he hated invasions of privacy like that which was why he never asked to read her text messages or listen to her voice mail, and...

Morning.

He heard the shower running and could tell by the way the blankets had been thrown back on one side that he was alone in bed.

Amy.

Sitting up, he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and reached over to the nightstand, picking up his phone to find three texts from friends, and two new voice mails. A glance towards the bathroom, water still running in the shower, and he tapped the screen and put the phone up to his ear.

The first was something that could wait, a message from work about an impending deadline that was neither a hard deadline nor really impending, and so he skipped to the second one. The moment he heard Amy's voice, he knew something was wrong.

"H-Hey. It's Amy... I just- I need to talk to you. I... You were right, you were so right, Paul was- he's... We broke up, he said- I'm... I'm pathetic, I really am... Please... Call me back... I need you, please..."

He frowned as he listened, his brow creasing, and despite the fact that he'd just woken up he found he was wide awake. And ready to kick the motherfucker in the balls until he spit them out. Without bothering to save or delete the message he disconnected the call and slid out of bed. It was a moment of searching before he found the clothes he'd wore on their date last night, and he was zipping up his pants as he stepped, barefoot, into the bathroom.

"Hey," he said loud enough to be heard over the hiss of the shower. "I need to go. That call last night was from my sister, it sounds like something is-"

"You what?" Her head, hair wet and plastered to her head, poked out from behind the shower curtain, irritation etched into her features.

"I said I need to go, she-" he started, but was again cut off.

"I knew you'd do this shit to me. Fuck and run, right? Call me next time you need to get off? Whatever. Get the fuck out." She rolled her eyes and her head disappeared behind the curtain.

A bit dumbfounded, Adam stood staring for a moment before turning and leaving the bathroom, muttering a "Whatever" under his breath as he did. She always did this when plans changed, and then two days later she'd be calling him to apologize, and it was getting on his last nerve. If the sex wasn't so good, he'd have ended it by now.

Five minutes later he was in the car, having not said anything else to her as he left, and once on the highway he found Amy in his contacts - easy enough, she was at the top thanks to their parents' apparent love of the letter A - and dialed. It was early still, and fairly late when she'd called, so he thought she might still be asleep. The call eventually going to voice mail confirmed his suspicions.

"Hey Ames, I got your message, I..." He paused, staring at the road before him as he grasped for words that didn't sound entirely as they had before. I told you so wouldn't, of course, work at all. "I'm really sorry. I'm on my way there now. I should be there in ten minutes or so. I'll grab coffee. You can tell me what happened when I get there."

There was anger lurking in his voice, and he hoped he was able to keep it out enough that she wouldn't notice it when she listened to it. They say the definition of insanity was doing the same thing repeatedly while expecting different results, and so it left him wondering which of them was insane: Her, for dating a carbon copy of the same asshole over and over, ending up in this same position each time, or him for rushing to comfort her when it happened, hoping she'd learn her lesson and find a guy that would treat her like she deserved to be treated.

Off the highway, he stopped through a Starbucks drive-thru for coffee, and just past the ten minutes he expected, he was standing at her door balancing one cup atop the other and ringing her doorbell.

 

[Faux_Pas]

She had tried to sleep, she really had. Part of her had hoped that Adam would call her back after leaving the message. Another part of her was simply having too hard a time to even attempt to sleep; every time she closed her eyes, she could see Paul, hear him- the condescending tone he used to say goodbye. No, that wasn't even a goodbye. It was... dismissal. The way he said it... Sorry for her. Not sorry for what he was doing to her. Sorry for HER.

That stung deeply. She would sob every time it started to come in. Sleep would need to wait. She needed to find a way to clear her head. 3 days of this- Paul was right, she really was pathetic. There was no reason to lament over a man who thought so little of her. Yet she continued to do it. It was more than just the break up, it was that continued feeling... The feeling that she was doing so horribly in her love life. Why did she keep doing this? Why did she have such bad luck with guys? It could so easily go from a knight in shining armor, to suddenly a troll from the dungeons.

Thoughts that drifted in as she sat in the corner of her shower, curled up for a moment on the floor. Let the hot water wash away all those feelings. It was time to stop. Pick yourself up. Get over it.

She wasn't really sure how long she had sat in there, but the water had started to run cold. It took a bit for it to even phase her, slowly getting up from the floor, taking a deep breath, and washing up. She needed to move on, she decided firmly, reaching out to grab for her shampoo--And finding a bottle of Paul's special hair regrowth stuff. Nope. There it was again. Another soft cry, tossing the bottle to the floor.

Finally managing to finish the shower, eyes red from the continued tears, she wrapped herself in a towel and wandered back to her bedroom. The indicator light on her phone blipped from the stand, Amy turning on the speaker to play the voicemail as she dressed. Adam's voice at least managed to bring the first smile of the last few days to her face, pausing in the wriggling of jeans over her hips to glance over at the phone. On his way? When had he even called?

The doorbell. Well, that answered that. Tossing on a white cami for the moment, she left the sweater she intended to wear sitting on her bed, hurrying out to answer the door.

Simply opening the big white door and seeing him standing there, balancing drinks and looking at her, brought a tight smile to her lips. Happiness on her brother coming to help her- but a sorrow for having to need him. "H-Hey... Come on in.." She tried to keep a touch of upbeat tone to her voice, stepping out of his way. "One of those is for me, right? God... I think I need it..." She reached up, gently running her hand against her still rather wet hair and shaking her head. "I didn't really sleep very much last night. I just... ugh." Another breath, another attempt at a smile as she looked at him, reaching out to take one of the cups... Then quickly hugged her big brother, burying against his chest as the coffee was held out from them. "God, Adam.... Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why can't I just... What do I keep doing wrong?"

 

[Scuttle Buttin']

He knew she'd been crying the moment she opened the door, her eyes red and pronounced bags under them. It simultaneously broke his heart and angered him to see her this way, not the least of which because it was all preventable. He'd made his feelings known, exactly twice, on Paul and what an asshole he was, and it had been ignored. Adam knew it would end this way, just as it had multiple times before, and there was nothing he could do about it.

It was like watching two trains traveling at each other on the same track, each gathering speed as they hurtled towards the other. Once set in motion, the only outcome was a collision.

Adam suspected Paul's train had not suffered nearly the damage Amy's had, however.

All this flashed through Adam's mind as he stepped inside and the door was closed behind him, the taking of the precariously balanced cup allowing him to move a little more freely. His arms moved around her as she hugged him suddenly, and he stood just inside the door with her, wondering silently how many times he'd been in this very spot, doing this very thing, for this very reason. It threatened to cause the anger to win out, which was not what she needed now, and so he cast the thought to the side. But later...

"It's just..."

His voice trailed off, and he sighed. He didn't know whether to confront her again, for the umpteenth time, or just comfort her, and let her move on to the next guy that would do this to her. But he hated seeing her like this. And so, with a deep breath, he stepped willingly back where he'd been too many times before. In the middle of her relationship messes.

"It's the guys, Ames. You keep finding these... assholes that don't deserve you, and then letting them crush you like this. You've got to wait for something better."

He paused, pulling back slightly to hook a finger under her chin and lift her eyes up to his.

"You don't deserve this, Amy."

 

[Faux_Pas]

She was worried now. She had an idea of what he was going to say. The same thing he had said with Tom. And with Kevin. And Liam. And... Good lord, she had been with so many guys who never seemed to stay long enough. She had always done something, something she never realized she was causing. The same thing that Adam insisted wasn't there. If it wasn't there, then why did it always happen? What had she done wrong?

Each guy had their different reasons. You're too clingy.[/] Right, of course. He insisted the woman she had seen him kissing was merely a cousin. A very close cousin. How insensitive of her to try to come between him and his family.. We've run out of things in common. Things had seemed just fine until her bank account went negative for three weeks... Kevin insisted someone had stolen her debit card when he asked to borrow it for gas. She certainly wasn't blaming HIM for it, was she?! You're the one who issued a restraining order. No, that was Adam's doing. A black eye and busted lip had made him call the police. It was Amy's fault there, too. If she had just gotten the right beer, and been home at the right time...

He said the same thing. Each time. That she was only making a bad decision. That was her only mistake.

He was holding her, though. Even knowing what was playing through his mind, what had to be hiding in there, unspoken but loud enough to even be heard by her... It was comforting. She took her coffee cup from him, glancing up with a still wavering lip in her frown as he finally spoke.

The assholes. She looked to the floor with that, playing gently with her cup. She knew that, she really did. Everything always seemed so wonderful at first. That a guy could seem the perfect gentleman. And then, at some point, somehow, something inside them just snapped and brought out the man inside. "But..." His added words made her frown a bit more, closing her eyes. "I don't want to keep waiting, Adam..."

His hand touched beneath her chin, raising her head, her eyes still brimmed with tears. "They're all I can find... I don't know. Maybe I'm just... Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, Adam... And I just don't realize it."

Her phone buzzed in her pocket, Amy glancing down blankly to pull it out. Facebook notification. From Paul. She'd forgotten to remove him... In a Relationship with Sara Hines

She dropped the phone onto the floor with that, closing her eyes tightly to keep from crying again. "I just... I just want to be someone that matters to someone else."

 

[Scuttle Buttin']

Adam sighed heavily, desperately resisting the urge to roll his eyes. He'd been inside her door for only a few minutes, and already his patience was wearing thin. Silently, he took a calming breath and tried to keep the anger out of his eyes. Care was what she needed now, not his impatience with her continued bad decisions.

But this was going to be a struggle.

The coffee clutched in his hand offered a fine distraction, a couple of seconds drained off the clock and and a couple of points off his blood pressure as the cup was brought to his lips, and a long drink was taken. It was hot in his throat, a little more than he liked it, but it was vastly better than the alternative.

The cup was leveled away from his lips, his tongue snaking out to swipe up the stray drop that had remained behind on his lips, and he was about to answer her when her phone's buzz stopped them both. His jaw set as she looked at it, and a new wave of devastation washed over her features.

Goddammit. Now what?

Knees bent, and he crouched just in front of her and scooped up the phone and backing that had come off in the tumble. Turning it over in his hands, he pushed the plastic back together and then flipped it face up to look at the screen. His eyes darkened when he saw the notification, and he looked up at her from his crouch to find her eyes squeezed shut, lip quivering. A crack formed in the dam that held back his anger and frustration.

"How is this not enough, Ames?" he asked as he rose back to his full height in front of her. The phone was held up in front of her, the screen casting it's white glow on her features. "Look at this! He cared about you so much that he's already with someone else. He's not crying about you, he's off fucking someone else. You're the one wrecked here, Ames."

Maybe it was salvageable at that point, maybe his anger could be passed off as anger at the asshole and not at her. But the dam had broken, the floodwaters were rising. He almost seemed to be helplessly watching himself as he added, with an extra emphasis that was not necessary:

"Again."

 

[Faux_Pas]

He was yelling at her. No, sternly speaking. Same difference. She knew that tone, and the phone thrust into her face was not helping things. The tears she had fought broke free now, shaking her head as they fell from her eyes. "Stop it- Adam, stop! STOP IT!"

She was trying to talk, trying to find some type of sense to say back to him, wiping frantically at her eyes with the back of her free hand.

He was right. Every word of it. The truth was right there, on the screen. That name could have been any of the guys she had been seeing over the last two years.
Five years.
Since HIGH school...

Wrecked. He called her... wrecked.... Her hand pulled away from her eyes slowly, staring at him with those words. A mess. Broken. A wreck.... That's... what she was.

She cringed as he tacked the reminder of the countless times onto it, the hand clutching her coffee now shaking. "So what the hell am I supposed to do about it?!," She managed to snap back, her coffee threatening to spill from the little styrofoam container. "Just- just give up and stop? Look at all the times I've tried, all the different guys... All the..."

Amy stopped, trailing off, looking back to the phone her brother still held, then shook her head. "That's it. That's exactly what it is, isn't it? None of them were actually men. They were.. cowards. Assholes. Worms out to use me in some way... Fuck..." She shook her head with a sigh, setting her drink on the end table by the couch and slowly going to grab a tissue from one of the other stands. A tiny laugh left her lips as she pulled one out, dotting at her eyes once again. "None of them were actually MEN. Guys... or Boys... but none of them... They all saw me as something to just... use."

She frowned, staring at the mess her makeup had left on the tissue.
"Just use me and throw me away. Just some stupid piece of trash. God, I wonder if there's like some type of website or something, they all just keep lists of easy women to screw with. I'm right at the top, there..."

She was depressing herself again. Another deep breath, trying to clear away the remaining sniffles and hurt that poured inside her. "It's not even the doing things for them that mattered to me. I felt important then. That maybe, just maybe, doing enough would make them stay. But none of them... I just wanted once to hear them say 'You Matter.' You say it to me... Why couldn't they?"