Dealing With Loss

[Snowman5933]

This is not really a how to, but I spend most of my time here.

How do you deal with loss?

My grandmother passed out in her home 4-5 days ago. She was taken to a large university hospital and after an ekg it was determined that she had a heart attack in the past (no way to say when). A heart catherization was performed and she had 99% blockage in one artery and 85% or more blockage in the rest. She is 81 years old and the doctor says there is no medical procedure that she can physically survive. She passed out 2 more time during her 3 day stay at the hospital. She was transported back to home by ambulance this afternoon. I spoke with her this morning and told her how much I loved her. I expect that she will pass out and never wake up in the next few weeks.

Everyone is making a mad dash to see her. Most of the family member rushing to be there live many, many hours away, and were never around (I would guess there are some feelings of guilt associated with all this). I also live very far away, but until I moved to college at age 20, I live just down the street from her, and spent time with her almost daily. I just don't want to go there. Besides my work and family obligations, I just don't want my final memory of someone that I care deeply for to be like this. I told her I loved her and I just can't be there to watch her die. Am I being selfish? When she dies it will be hard enough to go to the funeral.......no matter how or when it happens, it's not going to be easy.

Snowman

 

[Mrs.P]

I think it is great that you got to tell her that you love her, but you might be surprised how you feel if you see her again, or if you are with her when she passes. I was with my grandmother when she died and it really made a difference on how I viewed death. I was 18 and she was in my home. It was so peaceful when she went. I was so happy to share that with her. I almost felt honored that she chose to go when I was the only one with her.

I'm sorry for your soon to be loss. It is hard to lose someone you love.

 

[webber1998]

Each of us deals with death in their own way. My brother. The bully of the family. The man of all men. Just couldn't bear to be there when my mother died. He could barely attend the funeral, let alone keep his composure. Me, the quiet one, very emotional was like a rock through it all. I shead my tears in my own time in my own way.

Selfish? No, I do not believe so. Watching someone you love was very very very sad for me.

 

[emptynester]

If you told her you love her, explained that you just don't want to watch her die and she understands, then you have done more than some people get a chance to do.
My father died suddenly and I never got a chance to tell him goodbye. I was rushing to our local hospital trying to get CT scans, etc. to drive him to a bigger city for another opinion. The Dr's in our small town just kept telling us he was going to be fine. He knew I was on my way to take him but my mom kept calling my cell telling me he was getting worse fast. I finally told her to call and ambulance. He originally didn't want that, he wanted me to come and drive him. When I made it to the end of the street, I heard the sirens. The fire dept. was the first to respond. I don't really think he ever knew I was there.
That broke my heart. By the time we got to the hospital, he was brain dead. He had a living will but when it came time to make the choice and we had to make it fast, I just couldn't let him go. They put him on a ventilator and eventually when we realized there was no hope, we went with the donor program (a decision the Dr. posed to us probably to justify my decision to put him on the ventilator to begin with.)
You are very fortunate to have been able to talk to your grandmother and tell her how you feel. It will keep you from feeling guilty on down the road.
I was with my Dad everyday running a business with him. That particular day, I had taken off. He called me and told me he wasn't feeling well. I had asked him if he wanted me to come by. He said no, mom would be home soon from work. I guess looking back on it, I actually did get to tell him I loved him. I said that when we hung up.
Anyway, you have to deal with this as only you can. You are right, those would be the lasting memories you would have of watching her die. It is not pleasant. Remember the love and memories from the past and don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Sounds like she is OK with it.

 

[NaughtyLil1]

I was my grandmother's caregiver and was with her when she took her last breath. It's never easy to watch a family member decline. I would have given anything to have her with us longer but she was ready to go. It gave me comfort to know that her transition was a peaceful one.

As mentioned previously, we all have our own way of coping. Don't sell yourself short; do what feels comfortable for you. I'm sure she feels your love.

 

[INeedLove]

You are getting a lot of great feedback here. I am awed by the level of disclosure and personal sharing that is here. I wish I could give each one a hug!!

I want to echo the messages. You have to deal with her illness and eventual death in your own way. She knows you love her. You were there for many great days with her so your memories will be so rich. Quality time.

I was away from my Grandma for the last 6 years of her life. When she started to get bad I took time off from work to see her. She was in hospice and mostly out of it. She seemed to know I was there. I couldn't go back to work so I stayed there for almost a month. I was there when she died. In fact, I was the last person she took liquid from and gazed upon. She took her meds from me only. When she died, there was such a peace around her. I stayed in the house until she was taken out. It was my honor to be with her to the end.

You might consider saying a eulogy for her. Now is a perfect time to think about what you'd like to say. Even though it would be the toughest thing to do, who do you want saying words about her? That's my opinion at least.

Hugs to you!! And thoughts and prayers!

 

[sba]

It is only the memmories of her to live by now!
It is hard,i lost a family member i loved very much.
Maney things in life like when ill ,can be fixed with medication,but such hurt full experiances can only be fixed by time! time alone is your daily medication tablet.
Try and visit her resting place more and talk to her about things you think you should have done more for her,and things would turn out right!
P.M me if you want to come to terms with it for some jokes and fun stuff!

 

[Exciteher]

.... I just don't want to go there. Besides my work and family obligations, I just don't want my final memory of someone that I care deeply for to be like this. I told her I loved her and I just can't be there to watch her die. Am I being selfish? ......no matter how or when it happens, it's not going to be easy.

I've done this both ways, and your feelings are very natural.

Knowing what I know now, I would go, and yes it is not easy.

Death, like life.. is a natural thing, and sharing that moment with someone you love has a beauty and a profoundness that is impossable for me to describe, and that I did not ever expect. And sharing that moment can be healing for all involved.

Ya know, in this society rituals and rites of passage are almost non-existant. And I feel that impoverishes us in ways that people in supposedly less advanced cultures are not.

Also, this decision, to share ones passing with them, is one of those kinds of decisions, that if you wished you had chosen differently in the future for some reason, you just cannot.

No matter how you decide, the pain of loss will dispell over time, and the memories will remain, and nothing will ever be able to take that from you.

On the other hand, what would stop me from being with someone if they were dying is if I CLEARLY KNEW my presence would would make that passage harder for them.

Do what your gut says.... forget about concepts like "selfish" or the logistics of it all, or how hard emotionally it will be for you... this is about what is right for them.. do what your intuition tells you is the best thing to do. What would you want if things were reversed?

 

[Eilan]

I've lost only one close relative--my maternal grandfather--just over nine years ago. It was sudden, yet not a complete surprise, and I didn't get to say goodbye. Not being able to say goodbye bothers me less than dwelling on what we could have done to keep him around for a bit longer. Selfish, I'm sure.

My maternal grandmother has had some pretty serious health issues this year, and we didn't think she'd live to see her 84th birthday. I'm not sure how I'll react when I'm in your shoes.

Snowman, I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through right now. I guess that, despite my wordiness, I don't really have anything to add to what's been said already. And I think this thread is perfectly appropriate for this forum.

 

[Snowman5933]

Thanks for the great replies. I got a good nights sleeep last night and called today to see how things were going (they say she's about the same). I spent some time reflecting on memories from my childhood and teenage years. I remembered how she would cook breakfast every morning (scrambled eggs, sausage, homeade biscuits and gravy) 7 days a week. I used to stop by to say good morning on my walk to school everyday. I was also thinking about how we always worked the crossword puzzles in the back of the tv guide. There are so many good memories that I will keep with me forever. My grandmother loves life and her family.....we've all been very blessed. I wish she didn't have to go, but I'm glad I knew her so well.

Snowman

 

[FaeryFire]

If you've spent so much time together it's possible she'll be wanting you near for comfort. It's something that's very hard to do though. I'm watching my mother dying at the moment (she's 49). Seeing her like that cuts me to pieces, I can't decribe the helplesness and pain, but at the end of the day I know I've done what is right in our situation (and I'm not saying everyone is the same, or should cope the same way).

If it's too much to be there, that's fair enough but keep in contact at least because people who are ill often feel abandoned when those they love dearly avoid seeing or speakingto them. You don't have to attend the funeral if it's too much, but while she is here remember to make her feel as loved as she made you feel for all those years.

When she goes, I find the best way to cope if to honor her memory. (I've watched many people close to me die) I don't know if you are religious or not, but different religions have their ways of honoring the ancestors, like making shrines, performing a "dumb supper", leaveing offerings of her favourate foods or playing her fav music, or even just tending her grave.
Just because people die does not mean we have to forget about them, it doesn't stop them being a part of your life.

Take cares,
~Fae

 

[wally2450]

This is not really a how to, but I spend most of my time here.

How do you deal with loss?

My grandmother passed out in her home 4-5 days ago. She was taken to a large university hospital and after an ekg it was determined that she had a heart attack in the past (no way to say when). A heart catherization was performed and she had 99% blockage in one artery and 85% or more blockage in the rest. She is 81 years old and the doctor says there is no medical procedure that she can physically survive. She passed out 2 more time during her 3 day stay at the hospital. She was transported back to home by ambulance this afternoon. I spoke with her this morning and told her how much I loved her. I expect that she will pass out and never wake up in the next few weeks.

Everyone is making a mad dash to see her. Most of the family member rushing to be there live many, many hours away, and were never around (I would guess there are some feelings of guilt associated with all this). I also live very far away, but until I moved to college at age 20, I live just down the street from her, and spent time with her almost daily. I just don't want to go there. Besides my work and family obligations, I just don't want my final memory of someone that I care deeply for to be like this. I told her I loved her and I just can't be there to watch her die. Am I being selfish? When she dies it will be hard enough to go to the funeral.......no matter how or when it happens, it's not going to be easy.

Snowman

I like all the responses here. I would urge you to be with her! Reason being, is that it will mean more to her even if it is hard for you. My grandmother died five days after having a major stroke in 1995. She could barely communicate but she knew we were there. Just my 2 cents.

 

[MR.GGG]

Be There

It may seem like the most difficult thing to imagine, watching somebody die but in reality it is quiet (usually) and, in a very private and loving way, THE most imtimate of moments between people. It CAN only happen once for one of you which is completely different from most of the other intimacies that we share as humans. There is also a peace that comes from knowing that as they pass they are aware that you are there and they know how you feel - the saddness and the loss.

I firmly believe that if you aren't there you WILL regret it for the rest of your life.

This may seem off-side but a pet dog that I had from the time I was 9 needed to be put down. She'd had a series of strokes, couldn't walk, eat. SHe needed to GO and luckily she was a dog so we CAN put them out of a miserable existence when the right time comes - unlike what we subject our old and sick (humans) to.

I took her in to the Vet's office, handed her over and fled. I'd been a cop for 3 or 4 years at that point and still just couldn't handle it. I felt horrible afterwards and am sad every time I think about it. I should have been there with / for her. I determined from than on when that needed to happen I WOULD be there. M next 2 dogs over a 24 yr period were put down with me holding their heads and telling them how much I loved them and I'd see them again one day. BOTH dogs KNEW what was happening, had asked me to end it (long story) and faced the end with courage and trust and love. It was an honor to know/love them and it was a blessing to be able to remove their pain when all alternatives were exhausted.

You may be thinking "WTF doies this ahve to do with Gram?" but there are so many similarities in emotions with the two. I was with my Mother when she died and with my wife and although it was hell being there I wouldn't have wished for me to be anywhere else when it happened. You'll be so much more OK with the whole process if you are there and you don't spend the rest of your life wondering if she knew, did she want you there, did she miss you .... You'll know and so will she.

Hope that makes sense. It's late and I hope it's not too late for you to be there with / for her.

 

[olivefun]

My father just died a little over a month ago.
I held his hand as he passed and watched him breathe his last breath.

It was terrible but wonderful too.

His last words to me were telling me that he loved me, and he did.
I spent the last night with him and in the morning, I called the ambulance and he died after being in the hospital for an hour or so.

There are so many things I wish I asked him. I kick myself for this all the time. But really, upon reflection, he passed with dignity and in the company of those that loved him most. I am grateful to have been there with my only sibling and his wife.

You do what you must and then live with it.
In a way dealing with death is like dealing with anything else.

 

[bobsgirl]

My father just died a little over a month ago.
I held his hand as he passed and watched him breathe his last breath.

It was terrible but wonderful too.

His last words to me were telling me that he loved me, and he did.
I spent the last night with him and in the morning, I called the ambulance and he died after being in the hospital for an hour or so.

There are so many things I wish I asked him. I kick myself for this all the time. But really, upon reflection, he passed with dignity and in the company of those that loved him most. I am grateful to have been there with my only sibling and his wife.

You do what you must and then live with it.
In a way dealing with death is like dealing with anything else.

I'm so sorry for your loss, olivefun.

When my uncle died from cancer, I didn't have the courage to be by his side as he drew his last breath. Granted, I was only 15 at the time, but I always regretted not being there.

Will it be hard? Yes of course it will, but it would be very sad if you felt bad the rest of your life because you didn't.

 

[olivefun]

Thanks for that Bob'sgirl.

I spent my father's last day with him, with my daughter. I came home and his wife called to say he wasn't well and she didn't want to be alone so I returned. I spent his last night watching him breathe.

I got a doctor to drop in and have a look at him and when he left I stayed up watching him breathe some more.

I imagined him doing the same for me and the stories he told me about my infancy.

I really like the adventurous tales he shared and try hard to conjure them before they start to fade in earnest.


My 12 year old daughter is heartbroken that he died and really wished I allowed her to come with me to be present as he passed.

You make the choices you can.
I didn't really stop to think.
Maybe this is something she will regret for the rest of her life. It is hard to know.

When she asks me why he had to die. I haven't a better reply than "people just do".

 

[Cathleen]

Snowman, I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother and for your discomfort.

Olivefun, my condolences on the loss of your father. I think death happens to give meaning to life, it makes life important.

Snowman, I have been privileged to be with my mother and my uncle (her brother) as they died. It might sound odd to use the word privilege but truly that is what it was. Both experiences were very different for many reasons but what was similar to each was feeling love, both giving and receiving.

Exciteher expressed some of how I view my experiences. At the risk of sounding odd I learned that I can do end of life issues far better than the beginning of life issues. At first I was scared when my mother came home to die but what happened during those few months I'd never give up. The love, tears, laughter, fighting, silliness, and most of all life, are still with me and always will be.

Life occurs during, thru, all over, everywhere and every way, even as someone is dying. It is a most intimate part of life we can be invited to participate in, it is love in action. I would go, in a heartbeat, but that is me. Give it some thought, try to leave out the 'ick' of death, think instead of the love your grandmother has for you and you for her. It is an honor, a tribute to how love never dies. We only have to say goodbye once in life, find your own way to do that, whatever it may be.

 

[olivefun]

The love, tears, laughter, fighting, silliness, and most of all life, are still with me and always will be.

Life occurs during, thru, all over, everywhere and every way, even as someone is dying. It is a most intimate part of life we can be invited to participate in, it is love in action. I would go, in a heartbeat, but that is me. Give it some thought, try to leave out the 'ick' of death, think instead of the love your grandmother has for you and you for her. It is an honor, a tribute to how love never dies. We only have to say goodbye once in life, find your own way to do that, whatever it may be.

Cathleen, thank you for that post.
Really rung a bell for me, very meaningful.

 

[Cathleen]

Cathleen, thank you for that post.
Really rung a bell for me, very meaningful.

You're welcome Olivefun. Seems we have both been fortunate to be able to say goodbye and to talk about lots of things. I relish the time spent with both my mother and uncle. There were tears, laughs, even fighting with my mother -- just because she was dying didn't mean she didn't tick me off! Actually the 'fights' we had were very funny and we had big laughter about them. We had a neat relationship, it was very full.

Welcome to Lit.

 

[HabsFan33]

Just my thoughts...

after having lost two very good friends within the past two years, younger than 40 and losing my grandmother recently, it's important that the people we love, whether friends or family know we love them. I was in the hospital room and watched a close friend of mine die, less than two years ago. We all knew it was going to happen and were able to say good-bye. He knew how much his friends cared about him. However, a couple of months ago, another friend was killed in an accident and we didn't have that chance to say good-bye. I'm still very angry about this loss and not sure when that anger will go away. However, seeing my grandmother before she passed on, I felt closure during the funeral.
Not sure if this helps or not, but it's what I'm feeling right now.
Peace.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi Snowman,

I lost my mother very recently (hence the sig) and had no opportunity to say goodbye. One of the things that has upset me very much is that I know she was alone when she died.

You have said that lots of people are racing to visit your grandmother because she's very ill, partly from guilt that they haven't seen her. Some of these people may not be your favourite people and it's easy to think that if they are visiting that you'll be in the way or that your presence is not required or wished for. I am certain, however, that this is not the case with your grandmother. You spent time with her before you moved to your uni town and I'm glad you have happy memories of this to treasure.

I do know from experience with my patients that being with the dying is awkward. You don't want to disturb them too much but neither do you want them to feel alone. You want to make them as comfotable as possible but without fussing too much. You sit there both knowing that most of the time there is absolutely nothing for you to do but sit and be. There is so much to say but you don't want to upset the dying person by saying it all or feel as though you're hastening their demise by talking of how you will miss them. You do and say so little, while feeling so much, that it's exhausting.

The time you spend though, is one of incredible closeness and understanding. It can be a wonderfully precious time or a terribly painful one. This depends solely on your mindset. You have to go into your grandmother's home determined to bring her positive energy and love. Images of the sickroom will fade, just as childhood stresses vanish when you look back on your early years with blissful nostalgia.

Grief is always painful and will be so whether you visit your grandmother or not. By seeing her at this time, and being able to smile upon the grandma you built happy memories with, you'll give her a precious gift that her sombre, guilt ridden relatives will never be able to. You won't have to do or say anything, she'll just know.

if you really cannot do this, I'm sure she'll understand. I think though, in these situatons, it's better to do too much than not enough. If you don't go to visit, send a card or letter and a recent photo, something tangible that she can hold and read and re-read and think of you, maybe include a keepsake that she'll associate with a particularly happy memory. No matter how much time she has, she'll treasure it.

I will be thinking of you.

Velvet