Dealing with internal dialogue: two voices

[PacoFear]

Here's one I've been puzzling over, gang.

I have a story in progress where two people occupy one body: an amnesiac Irish druid is semi-possessed by the soul of her twelve-century-old sister, Gwyn. Don't ask.

Point is, I need a style for the internal dialogue between the two women. For internal monologue, I heavily favor italics, but things get iffy on speaker identity when two people are thinking. In the real world, i.e. non-Lit, I'd just assign the sister her own font. My understanding though is that the html coding for Lit postings is limited to italics and bold.

Anyone have a suggestion on what to do in Lit land?

An example of the kind of passage I'm talking about is below.

*

We raced through the cellar door and out into the open field, Tabitha leading the way. She tripped after only a few yards, her legs too tired and awkward from being bound. Molly helped her up, urging her sister on though she was clearly exhausted too.

It doesn’t matter, Kay. None of us will be able to outrun what’s coming.

I know.

We were barely a quarter of the way across the field when the galloping of heavy paws sounded behind us. Well-toothed death was on its way. One of them let loose a rough-throated bay at the moon.

The moon. A full moon. It tickled my skin and in a very good way. Oh thank you, Brighde. Thank you. I jerked my sweater up and over my head, throwing it behind me while keeping pace behind the girls. My blouse joined it. My bra would be next.

Umm, Kay?

It’s okay, I know what I’m doing. Maybe.

I pulled the bra up over my head, still running. Thank god for being small-chested.

You’re going to shift?

Nope.

We’re going to distract the werewolves with our half-naked body?

Uh-uh.

Oh thank heaven. I’d rather be eaten than raped then eaten. And what’s that humming sound?

The moon, honey, the moon. It’s filling me up.

It was, utterly, I could barely hear Gwyn over it, pulsing and twisting and humming under my skin. I was drowning in it. Choking on it. Drunk on it. It dribbled from my mouth and nose, trickled from my eyes and down my cheeks.

This was power, true power, the kind my father’s kin had once borne to battle.

Battle? We’re fighting?

Yes, love, we’re fighting.

Finally! Now, if only we had something pointy.

We don’t need anything pointy, Gwynny, not on a night like this...

*

 

[sr71plt]

I think you will need to salt in some dialogue slugs indicating whose thought it is. Not everywhere but in enough locations to keep the reader clear on whose thought it is.

There's nowhere in the professional publishing world that I know of that would have let you handle it with different fonts.

 

[Darkniciad]

Perhaps <blockquote> ?

That's one of the few tags you can use on Lit. If the dialogue stays on a single line for the secondary "voice" it would simply be indented if you used blockquote. If it spilled over into a second line on the page ( noting that you have less room in the blockquote before it jumps to a new line ), both lines would be indented and centered.

Here's an example ( about halfway down the page ) of Blockquote in use on Lit:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=259331&page=7

If the dialogue is short enough, it might provide the answer you're looking for, utilizing the limited formatting tools available.

 

[sr71plt]

Perhaps <blockquote> ?

That's one of the few tags you can use on Lit. If the dialogue stays on a single line for the secondary "voice" it would simply be indented if you used blockquote. If it spilled over into a second line on the page ( noting that you have less room in the blockquote before it jumps to a new line ), both lines would be indented and centered.

Here's an example ( about halfway down the page ) of Blockquote in use on Lit:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=259331&page=7

If the dialogue is short enough, it might provide the answer you're looking for, utilizing the limited formatting tools available.

I don't see where that would distinguish the thoughts of one character from the thoughts of another.

 

[Darkniciad]

You don't really believe you can outlast me, do you?​

It's my body. I know it better than you.

You're a fool. My power is beyond your imagining.​

We'll see about that. Consider your welcome officially worn out

*shrug* Works for me.

That's not to say that utilizing carefully chosen dialogue slugs, unique speech patterns/quirks for each character, etc. can't do the job (more elegantly, even), but it certainly identifies the individual voices to me ( assuming the possession has been well established in narrative )

 

[sr71plt]

You don't really think you can outlast me, do you?​

It's my body. I know it better than you.

You're a fool. My power is beyond your imagining.​

We'll see about that. Consider your welcome officially worn out

*shrug* Works for me.

That's not to say that utilizing carefully chosen dialogue slugs, unique speech patterns/quirks for each character, etc. can't do the job (more elegantly, even), but it certainly identifies the individual voices to me ( assuming the possession has been well established in narrative )

Uh, no, I don't think a reader would figure that out. It just looks like formatting errors.

 

[_Lynn_]

Uh, no, I don't think a reader would figure that out. It just looks like formatting errors.

I agree with it looking like formatting errors.

 

[Darkniciad]

It's all a matter of how you set it up in the beginning, and I'm too lazy-assed tonight to write a "discovery of possession" scene right now to illustrate *laugh*

Trust me, the sci-fi/fantasy crowd are used to some weird looking stuff.

 

[PacoFear]

Thanks Dark. The indent is certainly something to consider. Looking at your examples, it made sense to me as a reader anyway.

 

[Darkniciad]

Don't forget SR's suggestion, though. A few identifiers could be of use, even if you go with the blockquote. A deep enough psychic connection can let you "feel" all sorts of things. The owner could be feeling the hitchhiker concentrating, or perhaps know that she's indecisive about something, without actually "hearing" the whirl of thoughts.

Likewise the hitchhiker -- though you wouldn't describe that she sensed those things, but rather have her "say" that she's picking that up through the link.

There's all sorts of possibilities to help distinguish both characters sharing a skull.

 

[PacoFear]

Yes yes, thanks to SR and ML for chiming in. I have an aversion to speech tags and I can't picture them working well here. A leading sort of action tag might shore things up a bit.

*

I could feel Gwyn shifting, uncomfortable. Is that really such a good idea?

 

[kuellar]

You don't really believe you can outlast me, do you?​

It's my body. I know it better than you.

You're a fool. My power is beyond your imagining.​

We'll see about that. Consider your welcome officially worn out

I can't speak for anyone else, but I for one don't have a problem with the indents as an aid to distinguish between speakers.

I do think, however, that it would be prudent not to rely too much on things like formatting to tell the reader who is saying (thinking) what. In my opinion there are very few cases where careful use of speech tags, action tags, speech patterns, etc. is actually insufficient.

I know that's very easy to say and a lot harder to back up... but looking at your original example, it pretty much makes sense to me without the fancy formatting. (With maybe one small change - putting "I pulled the bra...small-chested" together with the previous line rather than having it on a separate line.)

Here's how I think about it: Everything in italics is part of the internal dialogue. The internal dialogue occurs between only two "people". A line break indicates a change of speaker. Therefore if Gwyn is talking (thinking), then a line break means it's now Kay that's talking (thinking). In that sense I'm treating this internal dialogue just like any normal "external" dialogue. With efficient use of all the usual tools (action tags and so on), I really don't think a formatting change is strictly necessary.

Again, this is just my opinion as a solitary reader. At the very least, I think it's worth trying to achieve clarity without resorting to any formattical crutchery

(That said, as a writer I would probably avoid this situation altogether. Guess I'm a bit of a coward )

 

[talismania]

Maybe you could use an em-dash to distinguish the second speaker? It might work combined with an initial (and maybe occasional follow-up) tag to identify the "speaking" order.

You don't really think you can outlast me, do you?

--It's my body. I know it better than you.

You're a fool. My power is beyond your imagining.

--We'll see about that. Consider your welcome officially worn out.

Just a thought.

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

If one persona dominates the other you might get away with bold and italic.

As to different fonts (or different colours for that matter), they are simply not available in Literotica, though any competent publisher could print a book with them; my own textbook on Computer Security used different fonts to distinguish text from on-screen examples.

Try:


We raced through the cellar door and out into the open field, Tabitha leading the way. She tripped after only a few yards, her legs too tired and awkward from being bound. Molly helped her up, urging her sister on though she was clearly exhausted too.

'It doesn’t matter, Kay. None of us will be able to outrun what’s coming.'

'I know.'

We were barely a quarter of the way across the field when the galloping of heavy paws sounded behind us. Well-toothed death was on its way. One of them let loose a rough-throated bay at the moon.

The moon. A full moon. It tickled my skin and in a very good way. Oh thank you, Brighde. Thank you. I jerked my sweater up and over my head, throwing it behind me while keeping pace behind the girls. My blouse joined it. My bra would be next.

'Umm, Kay?'

'It’s okay, I know what I’m doing. Maybe.'

I pulled the bra up over my head, still running. Thank god for being small-chested.

'You’re going to shift?'

'Nope.'

'We’re going to distract the werewolves with our half-naked body?'

'Uh-uh.'

Etcetera.

 

[PacoFear]

All good suggestions, thanks for chiming in folks!

Snooper: I did contemplate bolding as a mechanism and you've picked up on my primary concern -- that it puts the two voices on uneven footing. The other concern was that it might get to be painful reading over time.

kuellar: I agree, I think I can distinguish the two voices without resort to "crutchery" but it'd be nice to have a failsafe.

tali: your idea of dashes was a nifty one and led me to think of one I liked even more -- guillemets «».

 

[sr71plt]

You could probably use bold on Lit. The publishing industry doesn't permit bold in text, though, so it's not something you'd want to make a habit of.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I couldn't resist a quandary inside a conundrum, For what it's worth, not much, I totally agree with sr and kuellar.

Although unspoken, the dialogue is between two different people. The italics tell us it's internal and, even without quotes, the normal rules on line breaks between speakers (thoughters?) keep us on the rails. I had no problem (after I sussed that Tabitha wasn't a Druidess) following the dialogue of your example.

You are helped given that it is first person and the protag is 'magikal' whilst the antag is a mortal soul (sort of). A few light action tags and occasional use of names in the dialogue, What's happening, Kay? should suffice.

Although the indents work, I found them (like the em-dash) a tad ugly and off-putting. I don't see they add much. Also, guillemets are french punctuation and that is best avoided in my opinion. The French open a passage of dialogue with '«' then merrily conflate dialogue, speech tags, story and a motley collection of em-dashes in a soup before emerging at the end of the conversation with a triumphant '»'. It doesn't equate to quotation marks.

I'm not sure why you are worrying. You write great lesbian dialogue with few speech tags so why a problem when the two women are in the same body?

PS:

Thank god for being small-chested.

If this is druidland shouldn't it be, 'thank all the gods and godesses' or, 'Thank the father of the gods'?

Also, in an internal conversation, how can she have thoughts that aren't "spoken"?

 

[PacoFear]

I'm not sure why you are worrying. You write great lesbian dialogue with few speech tags so why a problem when the two women are in the same body?

Awww shucks, thanks elfin.

If this is druidland shouldn't it be, 'thank all the gods and godesses' or, 'Thank the father of the gods'?

The whole shebang is set in modern day Ireland. My heroine is a last druidess who's summoned home with her grand-daughters to fend off impending doom, etc.

Also, in an internal conversation, how can she have thoughts that aren't "spoken"?

Not sure if this answers your question, but, as Dark observed, it seems to me that you'd be able feel a mental co-tenant's unspoken emotional state.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Oh, Paco, you let me down!

However much this is modern Ireland, you have to accept a multitude of deities and no Druidess would call on a single god.

Not sure if this answers your question, but, as Dark observed, it seems to me that you'd be able feel a mental co-tenant's unspoken emotional state.

I'll take your word for it but, from a reader, it jars a bit.

 

[PacoFear]

Oh, Paco, you let me down!

However much this is modern Ireland, you have to accept a multitude of deities and no Druidess would call on a single god.

I changed it to "I sent a quick thank you skyward for being small-chested" but not as a concession.

Twelve centuries old herself, Kay is nevertheless a thoroughly modern gal, free to apply the usual colloquialisms, including ones with religious undertones. More importantly, she has a wafer thin allegiance to her pantheon so she's not worried about offending anyone. Who do you think is responsible for her sister's death?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

For whatever reason, I like the 'skyward' bit.

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

... tali: your idea of dashes was a nifty one and led me to think of one I liked even more -- guillemets «».

In my novels I use guillemets for «words spoken in French» (but usually written down in English) and tildes with italics for ~words spoken in Arabic~ (again usually written down in English). Thoughts I always distinguish by using single quotes.

An example is:

The Emir sat on one of the desks in the front row and asked, «You have a problem you wish me to solve?»
The teacher looked worried.
“Ask away. You will not give offence,” he added kindly in English.
~Master, it is the problem of Sharifa, your daughter,~ the teacher replied.
The Emir smiled as he noticed that the old man had his fingers crossed; ‘For luck, I suppose,’ he thought, ‘He’s afraid I’ll have him beheaded, or worse.’

 

[sr71plt]

In my novels I use guillemets for «words spoken in French» (but usually written down in English) and tildes with italics for ~words spoken in Arabic~ (again usually written down in English). Thoughts I always distinguish by using single quotes.

An example is:

The Emir sat on one of the desks in the front row and asked, «You have a problem you wish me to solve?»
The teacher looked worried.
“Ask away. You will not give offence,” he added kindly in English.
~Master, it is the problem of Sharifa, your daughter,~ the teacher replied.
The Emir smiled as he noticed that the old man had his fingers crossed; ‘For luck, I suppose,’ he thought, ‘He’s afraid I’ll have him beheaded, or worse.’

And I'll bet most readers don't have the foggiest notion what you mean by these.

The point is to make it understandable by and not distracting to the reader. This example is both incomprehensible in intent and distracting. Whether or not the author likes using enough dialogue identifiers to make who is speaking/thinking clear, that's the clearest way to convey meaning to the reader.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

And I'll bet most readers don't have the foggiest notion what you mean by these.

The point is to make it understandable by and not distracting to the reader. This example is both incomprehensible in intent and distracting. Whether or not the author likes using enough dialogue identifiers to make who is speaking/thinking clear, that's the clearest way to convey meaning to the reader.

I must be getting old. I find I've started agreeing with you more often than I feel comfortable with.