Dealing with guilt regarding sexual urges

[CuriousGal90]

So... It took me forever to pick which section i should post in.

I am struggling with a continuous rollercoaster of horniness/masturbation need followed by deep guilt, and I'd like to talk to experienced people to untangle my thoughts.

(I do need some reassurance and benevolence so I was naturally drawn to ask any Mommy or Daddy personalities specifically, but i feel like posting in the fetish section wouldn't be on point)

 

[LusciousLoralie]

I'm not a mental health professional by any means, nor a Mommy or Daddy, but I have definitely experienced this before. It's much easier said than done, and still something that I'm working on, but finding a safe outlet for this energy and intrusive thought process seems to be the best course of action. I'm here if you need to vent.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

So... It took me forever to pick which section i should post in.

I am struggling with a continuous rollercoaster of horniness/masturbation need followed by deep guilt, and I'd like to talk to experienced people to untangle my thoughts.

(I do need some reassurance and benevolence so I was naturally drawn to ask any Mommy or Daddy personalities specifically, but i feel like posting in the fetish section wouldn't be on point)

Sorry to read that you are struggling with sexual feelings. Is it true that you were taught sex and sexual feelings and desires are somehow wrong and are not acceptable in "good" people? Sounds very familiar to me and it has taken quite some time to understand reality.
Dealing with guilt and shame is tough as the teachings we get in our younger years are very deeply embedded in us. Have you thought of the fact that, if nearly ALL humans were not horny enough to masturbate and have sex, the human race would have ceased to exist LONG ago. That may not help much with those feelings but at least we know that you are not alone in having those feelings. Is it your thought that you should not be horny and not masturbate?
Feel free to send a PM if it might help.

 

[davion2308]

I'm no psychologist but there are a good chunk of us who are happy to listen and let you work out the feelings you have. Sexual pleasure has long been what feels like the enemy to religious upbringings. That may be a part of the conversation that a priest or pastor or other religious person may have told you every time you have a nice thought about other people it's a sin.

I hate that.

Keep talking to us and writing to us and I hope you find someone you can have as a sounding board so you can figure yourself out. None of us will be able to really do the work for you; that's all internal from your perspective.

We sure can listen and understand and provide thoughts and experiences. I hope you can take away something from them to put yourself in a more comfortable position.

 

[curioustxn]

So... It took me forever to pick which section i should post in.

I am struggling with a continuous rollercoaster of horniness/masturbation need followed by deep guilt, and I'd like to talk to experienced people to untangle my thoughts.

(I do need some reassurance and benevolence so I was naturally drawn to ask any Mommy or Daddy personalities specifically, but i feel like posting in the fetish section wouldn't be on point)

I think the first thing you need to do is ask yourself *why* you have guilt feelings. You weren't born with guilt feelings about anything, none of us were. Guilt feelings is something we were either taught, or learned while growing up. Your guilt feelings aren't related to your sexual feelings, so, think back, who or what started you feeling guilty. Then determine for yourself if your guilt feelings are justified.

 

[TempSpawn]

So... It took me forever to pick which section i should post in.

I am struggling with a continuous rollercoaster of horniness/masturbation need followed by deep guilt, and I'd like to talk to experienced people to untangle my thoughts.

(I do need some reassurance and benevolence so I was naturally drawn to ask any Mommy or Daddy personalities specifically, but i feel like posting in the fetish section wouldn't be on point)

You're definitely not alone.

I've been masturbating since my teens and go through cycles of just enjoying it for what it is and then having great shame/guilt over how I shouldn't be doing it at my age/being a married man etc...

So, regardless of your personal situation/age etc, I don't think it's unusual, not do I think you should beat yourself up about it . But from personal experience, it know it's easier said than done.

 

[Goldenfinger]

There’s nothing wrong with masturbating. I can’t tell you how to deal with your guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about. The guilt is something you created and you just need to make the decision that it’s ok.

Me and my wife have a femdom relationship. This relationship has evolved over time and has gotten kinkier you would say. One day I said something to her, I don’t know what I said but what ever it was it must of made her think I was questioning my actions. She said “this is just our sex”.

 

[leopard50]

My first question would be, were you raised in a religious household?

 

[KyleR215]

Like the movie said... "let it go! let it go!"

now that that song is stuck in your head.... there is noting wrong with self pleasure. It could be masturbation, going to a club, a vacation, yoga, meditation....

One needs to take care of theirselves before others because you cannot take care of others if you cannot take care of yourself.

 

[IrisAlthea]

So... It took me forever to pick which section i should post in.

I am struggling with a continuous rollercoaster of horniness/masturbation need followed by deep guilt, and I'd like to talk to experienced people to untangle my thoughts.

(I do need some reassurance and benevolence so I was naturally drawn to ask any Mommy or Daddy personalities specifically, but i feel like posting in the fetish section wouldn't be on point)

Is the horniness/masturbation thing something that has a negative impact on your life, as in do you get caught up in it at the detriment of activities and relationships that are important to you or does it put you or anyone else at risk?
If yes, it is probably a good idea to look into ways of getting on top of that. If not, then yay, have fun.
Either way, guilt isn’t helping, or you wouldn’t feel stuck on the rollercoaster.

Trying not to feel something is usually a great way to have that particular feeling take over, at the least convenient time. Controlling if, when and how to act on those feelings is a better goal, I think.

 

[Kenourio]

Sex addiction is a controversial diagnosis, but there's no doubt that many people feel some form of sexual compulsivity. It's not sex or porn that's at fault, but for some people sex and porn become a form of self-soothing, where masturbation, intense horniness at inappropriate times, procrastination for sexual gratification, acting out of "forbidden" fantasies, is used to suppress/alleviate feelings of anxiety, depression, etc.

I stress, again, that there's nothing wrong with masturbating, using porn, hooking up with others in whatever combinations and genders you prefer, etc: the only problem comes when it is experienced by the person as compulsion and as a cycle.

Since you mentioned the rollercoaster, suggesting that you experience swings of sexual compulsion, you might find the cycle a useful model. It's explained in this lecture. If that speaks to you, then I'd gently push you to seek out professional counselling from a sex-positive therapist. They can help you disentangle the roots of your compulsion, and get out from the cycle. Do make sure they are sex-positive, though, otherwise there's a risk that they'll try to push you into a particular way of being sexual (monogamous, hetero) that might not fit you.

 

[Beholders_Eye]

One thing that helps me is to take a complete break from the whole panorama of erotica. No Lit, no erotic stories, delete my store of saved images, etc. If I take, say, a month off, then I can tiptoe back into things and maintain more control and can avoid the feeling that it is controlling me.

 

[madmatt618]

One thing that helps me is to take a complete break from the whole panorama of erotica. No Lit, no erotic stories, delete my store of saved images, etc. If I take, say, a month off, then I can tiptoe back into things and maintain more control and can avoid the feeling that it is controlling me.

Couldn’t agree more. I do always seem to come back though…

 

[Escierto]

There’s nothing wrong with masturbating. I can’t tell you how to deal with your guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about. The guilt is something you created and you just need to make the decision that it’s ok.

Me and my wife have a femdom relationship. This relationship has evolved over time and has gotten kinkier you would say. One day I said something to her, I don’t know what I said but what ever it was it must of made her think I was questioning my actions. She said “this is just our sex”.

Words of wisdom. When I was wondering why I love being a bottom for my transgender girlfriend, she basically told me the same thing, this is just how we have sex.

 

[box13]

Well, you're not alone, and you probably have already guessed that much. I've read about others "binge / purge" cycles and I've done them myself at times. I suppose it stems from the challenge we have as humans to do something we can't share with others easily, so finding a place for our own expression and exploring our curiosities and needs without risk just isn't easy. And I don't really think the fetish community makes it all that much easier the way the subject is treated or how some people act at times.

I would just be reassuring and let someone talk. I think if it's not dangerous or doesn't harm others it's not something to worry about. Needs change over time anyways. You certainly don't need to feel bad because you want to enjoy some pleasurable sensation, or want to share that experience with another person. And on the other hand, it's also something we can decide "this might feel good but it's not right for me" and make the conscious decision to set it aside in favor of something else that doen't cause us emotional or mental discomfort. I don't think every thought we ever had was something we are supposed to act on....that's not quite how critical thinking works.

Guilt isn't very constructive if held on to for too long. Maybe sometimes it can be because it leads to thoughts or actions that are more positive and good for ourselves and others, but I'd suggest it's a starting place and not someplace to dwell for too long. It has a purpose and once it's done or isn't helping then it needs to be let go of. Sometimes that takes some practice in thinking more positively.

Keep being curious. I think it's beautiful.

 

[CuriousGal90]

I'd like to thank every person who took the time to answer this topic or reach out in private. I received lots of comfort, advice and kindness from all of you and I'm working on this topic to sort out my thoughts and feelings.

I have a hard timing "owning up" my choices and desires even in other areas of my life but i hope I get there some day

 

[TallGlassOfSarcasm]

I'd like to thank every person who took the time to answer this topic or reach out in private. I received lots of comfort, advice and kindness from all of you and I'm working on this topic to sort out my thoughts and feelings.

I have a hard timing "owning up" my choices and desires even in other areas of my life but i hope I get there some day

Just remember that your desires are ot bad nor good. They are just there.

Your actions are all that matters.

As long as your actions don't hurt anyone else then the ONLY judge about if they are right or wrong should be you

Most people in Lit are of the mindset that there is absolutely nothing wrong with masturbation. But their opinions don't matter. You need to make that decision for yourself.

Now, Lit is a fine place to find support if you decide it's okay. There will be no shortage of like-minded people willing to tell you they don't think you are doing anything wrong. If you want to find support, you will find it here.

But ultimately you have to come to term switch yourself. You have to be comfortable with your own actions.

It's a two way street though. While you shouldn't let Lit tell you what you should do (just use it to support the decisions YOU made) you shouldn't let other people decide that masturbation and sexual desires are wrong. Either way.... you have to make your own choices here and be comfortable with them.

Good luck!

 

[MaraschinoCherry]

You have gotten quite a lot of good responses. My guess is that I'm a bit older than you are and just knowing my own background relative to a lot of women I know have probably been around the block (quite a few!) more times than you have; with age and experience I can tell you that my own desires, my own internal combustion engine, are mine. My own. Nobody has the right or the power to tell me if those things are right or wrong. I didn't grow up with religion so I am free of those tethers, and that might be a complicating factor for you to recognize as well.

We are naturally pleasure-seeking creatures. For some of us, pleasure can take some surprising forms, even atypical forms, but again, those are external value judgements based on what is normal or typical.

As @TallGlassOfSarcasm said, it is up to you to reconcile your own feelings about what is right and what is wrong for you. Perhaps the key question is what @IrisAlthea asked, which is whether it is harming you or not. Is it putting you in danger, is it making you lose time that you'd like to be spending otherwise? If not, then the guilt is externally imposed and you can maybe noodle around thinking through whether that guilt is serving you or not. If not, you can let that go and enjoy yourself. Our bodies are amazing. They should be appreciated and enjoyed as much as is safe and possible.

 

[TallGlassOfSarcasm]

Listen to @MaraschinoCherry

She nailed it.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Bit late to this thread, but: it's surprisingly common for people to feel sad after sex (masturbation included). It happens enough that it's got a fancy medical name, post-coital tristesse. It's hard to disentangle psychology from biology, but it's quite possible there's a neurological component involved - the biological aftermath of the rush of chemicals one experiences as part of arousal and orgasm.

If you're somebody who happens to be prone to PCT, for whatever biological reason, it may be that "guilt" is your brain's way of interpreting that sadness. Kind of like getting grumpy at somebody for talking too loud, when the real reason underlying the grumpiness is that you're hungry.

Or it could be genuine guilt, not related to PCT. But next time you experience it, maybe sit with that feeling a while and ask yourself whether it's really guilt, or if it's just sadness that you're assuming comes from guilt because the actual cause isn't visible.

 

[curioustxn]

I'd like to thank every person who took the time to answer this topic or reach out in private. I received lots of comfort, advice and kindness from all of you and I'm working on this topic to sort out my thoughts and feelings.

I have a hard timing "owning up" my choices and desires even in other areas of my life but i hope I get there some day

You said you have a hard time "owning" up to your choices?

As long as you take responsibility for your choices, even the bad ones, you have every right to live your life as you wish. Without guilt! As far as regrets, show me someone who never made a mistake? Even a bad choice has a redeeming factor as long as we learn from it.

Often when a person feels guilt, it's not because they feel they have disappointed themselves, rather it's because they feel they have disappointed someone else. Who do you feel you have disappointed? Yourself, or someone else?

Just a thought..........

 

[tristantrotsky]

So... It took me forever to pick which section i should post in.

I am struggling with a continuous rollercoaster of horniness/masturbation need followed by deep guilt, and I'd like to talk to experienced people to untangle my thoughts.

(I do need some reassurance and benevolence so I was naturally drawn to ask any Mommy or Daddy personalities specifically, but i feel like posting in the fetish section wouldn't be on point)

We are fortunate enough to live in an open and accepting society where we are rightly free and proud to be exactly whatever we are. There is no longer any place for guilt or shame.
The only 'wrong' is to repress our entirely healthy and natural urges.
Feeling horny, with the urgent need to masturbate should be a joy and a pleasure.
Enjoy, enjoy... then enjoy again...

 

[Escierto]

We are fortunate enough to live in an open and accepting society where we are rightly free and proud to be exactly whatever we are. There is no longer any place for guilt or shame.

What? Which society do you live in? I live in Texas and it’s as repressed as Afghanistan. I expect Abbott and his henchmen to propose chadors for women in public. I wish I was joking but I am not. This place is hell.

 

[Up4FunTonite]

So... It took me forever to pick which section i should post in.

I am struggling with a continuous rollercoaster of horniness/masturbation need followed by deep guilt, and I'd like to talk to experienced people to untangle my thoughts.

(I do need some reassurance and benevolence so I was naturally drawn to ask any Mommy or Daddy personalities specifically, but i feel like posting in the fetish section wouldn't be on point)

Normal and healthy.

 

[magic_rat]

Guilt is a terrible thing. I started getting involved with boys at boarding school and I felt terrible guilt and shame after. I was caught in a cycle, I wanted those boys to do those things to me but I lived in terror of my parents finding out, this was the 70s after all.

It ended when I was caught by my mother in a compromising situation with a lad at home when they were supposed to be out. She was cool about it. We talked (how embarrassing is that?) and she reassured me, after making sure I was a willing participant and not being coerced into anything.