Dealing with an ex

[SummerStar]

I'm kind of at my wits end here. I dated this guy for two years, it was leading towards marriage...and then things kind of explosively ended. That was about a year and a half ago. We've tried being friends, and it works sometimes. When we get along, we get along great. He's one of the only people I feel I can be myself around. But we fight just as much as we get along. I'm a really laid back person, but he's one of the only people that can get me worked up, and I hate it. I get so frustrated and angry I can't concentrate on anything. I don't even know if it's worth being friends...and if not, I don't know how to end it. We've tried the whole 'this isn't working, we shouldn't talk' but that never works. I know I have to strengthen my resolve to make it work, but I don't know how, or if I even really want to.

 

[TheOne007]

Best way is to completly walk away. My ex and I were together for almost 2 years, she broke up with me, back in September, I've had Zero contact from the time we hung up the phone with each other for the last time.

The way I figure, if she needs something, she will call. I doubt the phone will ever ring though.

 

[SummerStar]

I've kind of tried that. Like I said, we've gone through phases where it's been "that's it, I'm done, I can't do this anymore" and I'm really good at not talking to him. Whenever it's come to that, he's always the one to make contact first...but when he does talk to me I feel bad not talking to me, because he's not a terrible person, he just occasionally drives me insane.

 

[lass714]

I'm kind of at my wits end here. I dated this guy for two years, it was leading towards marriage...and then things kind of explosively ended. That was about a year and a half ago. We've tried being friends, and it works sometimes. When we get along, we get along great. He's one of the only people I feel I can be myself around. But we fight just as much as we get along.

Have you considered the fact that your being together may be more out of habit than feelings? Although you did mention marriage in your post, I notice you never mentioned any type of affection.

 

[SummerStar]

Ah, there were plenty of feelings involved. The 'being together' out of habit thing came up when our relationship ended...and a time or two when we thought about getting back together, but....I'm not sure if that's the problem with our friendship.

 

[PertPerth]

I've kind of tried that. Like I said, we've gone through phases where it's been "that's it, I'm done, I can't do this anymore" and I'm really good at not talking to him. Whenever it's come to that, he's always the one to make contact first...but when he does talk to me I feel bad not talking to me, because he's not a terrible person, he just occasionally drives me insane.

Change your number.
I have two ex's who I "cant see" anymore because of the same thing.
One was using me for a g/f substitute, He'd only phone when he was down, asked me to stay the night (I never did). He'd call me straight after a bad date with another girl. He didn't call me when anything exciting (bad or good) happened...only when he was horny. So I had to cut the friendship off as it was really hurtful for my feelings.
The other one I dated twice with a gap of 10 years. I was a teen and madly in love with him, dating him for the second time I realised he'd lost all the qualities I loved in him. He was always the one to call me, but was VERY fired up all the time. He's always angry and the last few times I saw him I felt scared by his anger (he's beefy, but I know he's not the type to hit a girl). Anyway, he was depressing me and I'd go out of my way to aviod him. I ended up having to tell him "I'm a bitch, I don't want to hang out with you anymore".

My turning point was realising that I'd lost sleep over something that was easy to fix - stop seeing them!
I know it's hard, but the best thing is to not reply to him or pick up the phone. Tell him you don't want to talk to him anymore. You don't need to give him a reason - it's not your responsibility to make him happy.

Good luck!

 

[SummerStar]

Thanks...I think it will eventually come to that. I thought it had a couple a weeks ago during finals...I was studying, and he texted me with some BS accusation, and I just told him I was studying, and when he demanded an answer I turned my phone off, and had my roommate delete any texts he sent me when she got back.

We didn't talk for a few weeks, but he eventually, inevitably texted me, and I texted back, and the cycle will continue. The hardest part about it is how good of friends we are when we're not fighting.

 

[gloriann]

I think you have to determine what's healthiest for you. If it's healthy for you to continue to put up with him and all his issues (especially the one that sounds like he's not over you,) then do so. But if it's healthiest for you to realize that it's not only better for you but also for him if you just walk away, then do that.

I felt the same way about my ex. She's a great person, all in all, and I didn't want to lose our friendship. So I would call, check in, chat... and I realized a) that was giving her false hope, which lead to b) me hurting her, which lead to c) her screaming at me. It is better for both of us that the communication has stopped.

 

[breezyblue]

Although there will always be rough patches in any friendship, rarely are those patches enough to make one or both parties think that they would rather not see the person every again. From what you have said it seems that although you have had some very good times together, the way you interact is just not good for you most of the time and your well being is what is most important, not hanging onto a friendship that is only good half of the time.

It might be difficult, but it seems like breaking off contact would be the best thing for you IMO. If you find it easy to avoid contacting him, the only thing left is to stop him from contacting you. Perhaps write him an email explaining why you feel like stopping contact is the best option for you in the situation and asking him to not contact you again. I would think that if he cares for you he would respect your wishes and stop but if necessary block his number and change your contact information to make it easier on you. Good luck.

 

[Remy_James]

I'm kind of at my wits end here. I dated this guy for two years, it was leading towards marriage...and then things kind of explosively ended. That was about a year and a half ago. We've tried being friends, and it works sometimes. When we get along, we get along great. He's one of the only people I feel I can be myself around. But we fight just as much as we get along. I'm a really laid back person, but he's one of the only people that can get me worked up, and I hate it. I get so frustrated and angry I can't concentrate on anything. I don't even know if it's worth being friends...and if not, I don't know how to end it. We've tried the whole 'this isn't working, we shouldn't talk' but that never works. I know I have to strengthen my resolve to make it work, but I don't know how, or if I even really want to.

So you want to stop talking, yet you don't want to.

As cruel as it sounds, you need to make up your mind and stay consistent, if you can't then you need to remind yourself that you aren't in a relationship and you are a laid back, open minded individual who's getting along just fine without anyone else ruining your day.

My ex will occassionally call up as if she's sad and despondent, in the past I would naturally drop what I was doing to try and talk civily, but upon catching up with her it just leads to a full-on confrontation. Ultimately, as much of a gentleman as I try to be, I just had to cut the tie, there was nothing left but conflict and we both knew it- even as we tried to hash some sort of fond memories it would never come about and THAT would make us mad.

Move on or stay in a cycle of conflict and bitterness, it's up to one of you to make the decision and pull the trigger.

 

[Submission13]

If you fight when you are dating and can't get alone, you would kill each other if you got married. Its your decision, but if you want to leave him totally, find someone else to date. Life is too short to have drama in your personal life. Unless you want drama, but it appears that you want less drama. Changing your phone number might help, but a restraining order is also very effective.

 

[SummerStar]

Haha, I don't think I have grounds for a restraining order...and we're not dating...that ship has sailed, I'm just usually really good at keeping on good terms with my exes. I hate to cut people, any people, out of my life for any reasons.

Thanks to everyone so far, for all the advice and input. I think I would start getting redundant if I replied to everyone, but I'm reading through everything everyone says...I really appreciate it.

 

[angelika]

Have you considered the option of talking this over with a counselor?

There can be a tremendous pull with relationships that are toxic for us.
My thinking is if you could could simply stay away, you would have by now and if you can't you might need a little help in reaching insight as to what need(s) this relationship is filling.

It sounds like you miss the emotional intimacy and that is what pull you back in.
That would be wonderful if the relationship was healthy.

Since that seems not to be the case then you might want to learn how to create healthy relationships and once you do that you may not need this one any longer.

Best wishes.