Dealing with a maddening ex.

[LucyH]

Any advice for staying serene when one's ex is suing for custody and refusing to negotiate and pigheadedly dragging stuff into court that has no business being there? I'm usually a pretty calm person, and I'm not used to having to deal with white hot rage. This guy used to be more or less reasonable, but it's like aliens suddenly beamed his brain out of his head and replaced it with a dirty gym sock.

 

[hillseeker]

Find the most ruthless lawyer in town...

 

[LucyH]

Find the most ruthless lawyer in town...

That doesn't really sound like a recipe for serenity. He hired a bulldog with a law degree, but I don't want to stoop to that level. I mean, I'd love to see him working two jobs until he's eighty to pay my legal bills in the end (not that I suppose that's likely, but you never know), but that's the problem. I don't want to think like that. I want to find a way to get through this without it eating me up from the inside....preferably a way that doesn't involve just giving him sole custody because he has a live in girlfriend now and he's decided he wants a "normal" life with a woman, two kids, a dog, and perhaps a white picket fence.

 

[chipcarver]

Sorry you are having to go through this. I went through it with my current wife's ex. They had been divorced for five years when we got married. It was three years after we got married when the custody and financial sections got settled. We actually had a judge who saw us every day for four afternoons. Every nasty thing her ex did bit him in the butt. He almost got himself thrown in jail with his antics over the 8+ years.
The best thing my wife did was not to stoop to his level, even though she was pressured by every family member to do so. She kept a level head, kept the same lawyer, and never involved the children (although he did).
Find yourself a person you can use as a sounding board who will NOT try to fix things just someone who will listen to you rant (that was the best and hardest thing I did for my wife).
I wish you the best of luck.

 

[LucyH]

Thanks for the encouragement, chipcarver. I hope the judge sees through him, but you just never know. I've seen crazier people than him awarded custody of children.

 

[havsumfun1]

Nobody wins once the lawyers are involved, except the lawyers. I'm sure that's extremely frustrating. The only thing you can do is bite your tongue, be patient, and realize you want to be the one who kept her dignity throughout the ordeal after it's all over. You don't sound vindictive so just act knowing you're a better person than some creep who would try and steal a loving mothers' children from her.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks for the encouragement, chipcarver. I hope the judge sees through him, but you just never know. I've seen crazier people than him awarded custody of children.

I'm not sure how the family court judges are in your neck of the woods, but here, they are VERY aware of exes and situations like yours, and they the calmer, saner party who is acting in the best interest of any children involved usually wins BIG TIME.

So, don't lose sight of the fact that most judges have been around the block enough times to spot a jerk like your ex a mile away. And if you have the opportunity to let the court know you're minimizing your legal bills and costs so you have more resources for your kids, do so.

My mom sued my dad to share my college costs because it wasn't an issue that was covered in the divorce. She represented herself and only used a lawyer to the tune of maybe $1000 over 1+ years of fighting. My dad, OTOH, hired a ruthless attorney and spent as much fighting the lawsuit as he would have spent on his portion of my education costs. The judge admonished him harshly during their ruling and actually awarded my mom more than she was asking for! My mom was congratulated for conserving her resources and acting in my best interests by supporting me. So, yeah, those judges know when one parent is acting poorly, wasting resources on legal fees and everyone's time on ridiculous motions/lawsuits.

Be the best parent you can and don't give him any ammo whatsoever to use in the lawsuit(s) - doing that alone should stand out in stark relief to your ex's actions. Take care on sites like this (and any other activities that might look 'questionable' to a conservative judge) - plenty of people here have had their Lit and other activities submitted as evidence of poor parenting, cheating, etc., in divorce and custody/support battles. That really sucks, but the facts can usually be twisted A LOT by a vindictive ex and their sharp lawyer, as I'm sure you've experienced!

Do you have healthy outlets and a strong support system in place so you can vent and make it through this as calmly as possible?

 

[chipcarver]

Great advice from Sweet Erika. You should probably stay off sites that would give your ex ammunition against you, including this site. Your computer can be brought in and the files used as evidence against you.
This may be extreme but if you know any computer people I would get them to erase and/or install a new hard drive if there is any intimidating files or sites.
BE CAREFUL

 

[nakdsub]

What is the reason for the divorce?

You say he was a reasonable guy before all this.

 

[Jacqui_S]

I went through this with my first husband. It was an absolute nightmare for years. There were all kinds of accusations, none of which were true or relevant as to why we split up or why he should of had custody of my daughter.
I agree with Hillseeker, in part at least. You need good legal representation and basically have them take care of everything on your behalf. The less contact you have with him the better.
Its nothing the judges wont have seen before, so just be calm and polite when in court and hope he flies off the handle while there lol.

 

[Dribble]

Find the most ruthless lawyer in town...

That doesn't really sound like a recipe for serenity. He hired a bulldog with a law degree, but I don't want to stoop to that level. I mean, I'd love to see him working two jobs until he's eighty to pay my legal bills in the end (not that I suppose that's likely, but you never know), but that's the problem. I don't want to think like that. I want to find a way to get through this without it eating me up from the inside....preferably a way that doesn't involve just giving him sole custody because he has a live in girlfriend now and he's decided he wants a "normal" life with a woman, two kids, a dog, and perhaps a white picket fence.

Then you will lose. He knows you won't stoop to that level so he will do it. Life isn't fair. You are thinking about this wrong imo...the high path is fighting for what is best for your kids. The real key is how do you fight this fight and remain sane...that is a very different issue. That is why you hire the best attorney...so you don't have to think that way.

 

[subwannabe]

You sound level headed in a way but, to play devil's advocate, some of your story is kind of confusing. You say he "used to be more or less reasonable", but now "it's like aliens suddenly beamed his brain out of his head and replaced it with a dirty gym sock" but also you say that now "he's decided he wants a "normal" life with a woman, two kids, a dog, and perhaps a white picket fence". To me this sounds a little contradictory. You also say that he has "white hot rage". Is it possible that you did something or somethings that really ticked him off and this is his response? I'm not trying to take his side but maybe your solution lies in looking back in time and re-evaluating past events by looking at them in a more open minded manner. In any event, I agree that stooping to his level is not a winning strategy and like others have said, most judges have been around the block a few times and can see things as they really are.

 

[fgarvb1]

Depends.

Did you lie, steal & cheat... betray?

Some people take that shit personally.

and I'm one of them.

I've had all that good bullshit I'm going to let slide.

Fuck with me and I'll teach why you shouldn't.

Rip off a piece of my heart and I'll take a piece of your ass one way or another!

Ain't life grand!

 

[LucyH]

Do I seriously have to pretend to be a nun to be deemed a reasonable parent? Is what goes on in the bedroom between consenting adults still actually an issue in this day and age? Is "oh yeah? Well, she's a pervert/slut, so there!" a valid point in a custody battle? I could see how there might be an issue if I kept whips and dildos in the dining room china cabinet or had porn for a screensaver, but I password protect my computer to keep the kid off it, period, and there are no toys of mine for her to find. Any dating that I do will happen while she's at her dad's house. I'm pretty sure that as far as the kid can tell, I'm pure as the driven snow.

I realize things are what they are, though, and if they're like that, they're like that. Still, hardly seems reasonable.

 

[LucyH]

You sound level headed in a way but, to play devil's advocate, some of your story is kind of confusing. You say he "used to be more or less reasonable", but now "it's like aliens suddenly beamed his brain out of his head and replaced it with a dirty gym sock" but also you say that now "he's decided he wants a "normal" life with a woman, two kids, a dog, and perhaps a white picket fence". To me this sounds a little contradictory. You also say that he has "white hot rage". Is it possible that you did something or somethings that really ticked him off and this is his response? I'm not trying to take his side but maybe your solution lies in looking back in time and re-evaluating past events by looking at them in a more open minded manner. In any event, I agree that stooping to his level is not a winning strategy and like others have said, most judges have been around the block a few times and can see things as they really are.

The white hot rage is mine, and it started when he sent a process server to my door with a lawsuit and then acted like a brick wall when I tried to get him to talk about it.

 

[NightL]

You have to pull back from the rage... you are playing right into his hands. He will figure that he wins even if he does not get custody.

You have to realise that you are actually responsible for your rage. You are in charge of how you respond. Your child/children need you to be there for them not preoccupied with rage toward him. No matter how old your children are, the memory of how you hold yourself together during this time will last a very long time if all they are sensing that you are preoccupied with rage. The greater the animosity between yourself and and your ex being played out in front of the children may very well impact on their psychological well-being as they get older. I strongly suggest you do your own research on this.

Be firm in your response. Don't compromise. This is not an ideal situation, so don't expect if you act justly that he will back off. If you retain custody then you can always adapt later, but you will have outcome of the custody case to fall back on if he gets out of line.

Focus on what is real... having toys stored away in cupboards and drawers is no different than just about every house in your street. You go out on dates... good for you. You are endeavouring to lead a balanced life. Via your lawyer, turn this stuff against him. His efforts to somehow demoralise you and besmirch your character and ability to be a good mother should be turned right back on him.

Ask for character references from as many parents (particularly mothers who have children of a similar age as yours). Asking people to write negative stuff about your ex may result in reluctance to get involved. If they are willing, then that is fine. Asking for just a character reference for yourself in how people view you as a parent and how the children are cared for may just surprise you how willing people will be to help. These character references will carry weight.

Your children have to come first in this. Remember, he does not make you angry... this is some thing you do all by yourself in response. If you take responsibility for your anger you will be amazed how quickly you can turn it off. You don't need rage to contend with this custody case. You don't need rage to deal with his stupidity. Your children, more than ever need to see you happy, balanced... and looking forward to the future. I am not suggesting you compromise on anything... be strong, be focused. Your ability in displaying a total indifference in his attempts to attack your character will be your best revenge. Get your lawyer to argue that someone who goes to those measures is actually displaying very poor moral judgement and this behaviour, from one parent toward the other, should not be displayed as acceptable, especially as it ultimately impacts your children.

You can stop the anger instantly... it is in your control. Your children need you to do this. It won't stop you being worried or annoyed, but you will focus much better. He is not only trying to gain custody, he is also trying to rob you of your happiness. Don't allow it.

 

[nicecthulhu]

Watch yourself and make sure your children come first. You had them, so they are more important than either you or your ex (this should be a no-brainer, but I'm amazed by the number of people who lose sight of this simple fact).

As soon as the marriage is dead, both men and women can change dramatically in how they think and what they think of their former spouse. Recent experience in my neighbourhood tells me 3 out of 3 men become much more domineering and controlling over their ex's lives. Then again, I'm only hearing the wives' side of things. But I know 2 of the 3 wives pretty well and have no reason to doubt them. The husbands were all fooling around, so I have every reason to doubt what they say. Perception of a spouse also changes dramatically once the marriage is over.

Judges and Justices of the Peace do not always take personality into account during custody or divorce settlements. They are people too and they make mistakes. The justice may get angry if the ex swears at him/her in court, but it may slide if he calls you some nasty names in court.

You don't specify why the marriage ended. Even if you did something to cause the end of the marriage (I don't know that), once there are children everything changes. Both of you have to put the children first. Make sure your children have someone to talk to (minister, priest, cousellor, caring relative, whatever). If he treats you like crap, then (I'm sorry to be so blunt) suck it up and be the best mother you can be to your children.

Others on here have given you sound advice.

Get a good lawyer, but one you are comfortable with. If you want someone who's going to destroy your ex financially (not my personal choice), well that's up to you. But make sure the lawyer knows exactly what you want out of this. I don't know if your connection to literotica is a problem or not. You'll have to ask your lawyer. Generally it seems to me that there are a high percentage of reasonable and intelligent people in the threads I read. As for story genres, well I think it's pretty simple to guess what might make a court think twice.

Record everything. A cousin assumed the JotP would realize her ex was lying when he said he got paid under the counter and the total was not even enough to live on (i.e. the 'poor' guy couldn't even afford to pay child support or alimony). There was no evidence against what he said so it was accepted by the court. The fact that he shared an apartment with his new girlfriend (who didn't work) didn't matter. The court showed no interest in looking at her ex's tax records to see if he actually did have an income. Now was the court willing to contact the workplace.

Don't assume something will be understood by the Justice just because it makes perfect sense to you. They have to follow the law, not common sense. And some of them have never heard of common sense (remember that judge in Alberta in the 1980s telling women if they didn't want to get raped they should wear petticoats?).

If you are having anger issues over this, then talk to your family doctor and arrange an appointment with a specialist. Or see a minister or priest if you're religious. Get it dealt with. You don't want it hurting your children and you don't want it to cost you anything against your ex.

I hope I haven't been too blunt or too rough on you. I don't know you or any of the background on this aside from what you've said in this thread. If you are the 'victim' here (i.e. all the trouble has been caused by the ex), then you should know that most people will wish you well.

 

[Ex Princess]

Any advice for staying serene when one's ex is suing for custody and refusing to negotiate and pigheadedly dragging stuff into court that has no business being there? I'm usually a pretty calm person, and I'm not used to having to deal with white hot rage. This guy used to be more or less reasonable, but it's like aliens suddenly beamed his brain out of his head and replaced it with a dirty gym sock.

Yoga.

Write in a journal.

Read.

Think about what you did when you were a child that calmed you down and chances are that same activity will help.

Personally, I like to color when I am angry.

 

[nakdsub]

I'm still wondering why?...

You talk about having an active and varied sex life, that's fine as long as it comes after the divorce, and like you said, is kept away from the kids.

Now, if you were caught cheating while still married, that would explain the papers served and him not wanting to talk about it. At that point there's nothing more to talk about.

If that is the case, then take from someone who has gone through it, there is no deeper wound than the one caused by the betrayal of a loved spouse. It makes you want to hurt that person back in any way you can.

 

[curiousdad001]

maddening ex

Thanks for the encouragement, chipcarver. I hope the judge sees through him, but you just never know. I've seen crazier people than him awarded custody of children.

Unfortunately, if you don't look out for your kids by getting a ruthless lawyer, who will?
I ask because I took your route when I got divorced, against the advice of my lawyer,..
it was more calm for sure, less trauma at the time, but in the long run, since my ex wasn't a very good mom or person, it's the kids that suffered...
you're welcome to pm me for more information.

 

[Hopeorless1]

Do I seriously have to pretend to be a nun to be deemed a reasonable parent? Is what goes on in the bedroom between consenting adults still actually an issue in this day and age? Is "oh yeah? Well, she's a pervert/slut, so there!" a valid point in a custody battle? I could see how there might be an issue if I kept whips and dildos in the dining room china cabinet or had porn for a screensaver, but I password protect my computer to keep the kid off it, period, and there are no toys of mine for her to find. Any dating that I do will happen while she's at her dad's house. I'm pretty sure that as far as the kid can tell, I'm pure as the driven snow.

I realize things are what they are, though, and if they're like that, they're like that. Still, hardly seems reasonable.

My ex and I agreed to be reasonable for the sake of not putting our kid through a hard divorce. Maybe you could reason to him that it is hurting the children? And make sure that you guys communicate that any dating WONT happen around the child.. Then maybe he wont have to worry!

Though, I am sure that if my husband knew I was on lit and fucked the people I did after we signed separation papers he would think alot less of me

 

[billrichards41]

Something sounds wrong. Not sure in Canada, but in the US, the mother get's custody unless she is in prison, a known heroin addict or meth user and is criminal in some way, otherwise she will get custody. The courts automatically give it to the mother.
Perhaps the father can get shared custody or visitation but that's about it.
I've been through this myself and at times thought I was in bizarro world, regardless of what documents I presented the court still made it difficult for me but I hung in there and do have shared custody of my children.
Lawyers aside the logic tends to be the children need their mother.
After that it's a difficult road for the father to have anytime with his children.
The only other times I knew of the father having custody was when the mother walked away, but short of that if you agree to shared custody you should have no problems at all.
Though you say you want calm and no contention is another matter, the reality is somewhere in between what you think and what he thinks, that either of you may be spiteful or vindictive is another story.
Just remember that children are aware and will know who is doing what. My behavior has been a key factor in having my children, they indicated at every turn that I was loving caring and nurturing, they insisted that I have them as often as possible. This annoyed their mother and she still does things to extract a pound of flesh, what she doesn't get is that the kids see this and makes them want even more to be with me. So in the end the children will know and see through any behavior.
It's no use in trying to remind an ex - "think of the children" if they are bent on extracting revenge.

 

[cfuhrer]

Here's my two cents.

DO get a good attorney. Doesn't have to be a shark in a suit. There are plenty of GOOD attorneys who are good people too. But a good attorney will know things about the law that a lay person does not. When my parents got divorced nothing helped my mothers state of mind better than to be able to pick up the phone and say "guess what he did this time. Handle it." Then she could forget about it and focus on caring for us kids. Also, interview several because, well that's just a good practice anyway. Bonus: depending on your jurisdiction if you tell the attorney your story and then don't retain them it conflicts them out from being hired by him.

Your child will be able to innately cue in to who is being the ass and who is not. My mom didn't share much with us about what was going on but by the number of times she said "I have to be in court this week" we knew the trouble maker was my dad. Because of this my sister and I haven't had contact with him for nearly ten years simply because of his unwillingness to relent on anything. Oh, by the way, he hired the biggest suited shark he could find and it showed.

Taking the high road is as much in your words and RE-actions as it is in the actions you instigate. To my knowledge my mom never threw dirt at my dad, and that's admirable. But- she also never let us see her get mad, sad yes, but never mad. And- she was always taking steps from her side the encourage our relationship with him. She never spoke badly of him, always asked if we wanted to invite him for dinner or go see him for the weekend.

Now to actually answer your OP:
As ex-princess said, take time to do something that makes you happy, or that requires undivided focus. That is a great way to center your mind and soul from what has happened and prepare to face what is to come.

Several others said to find a sounding board, that is always sound advice no matter what trials you are facing.

To answer a secondary question you asked:
Yes. Some courts do still care what happens behind your bed room door. It depends on who your judge is but if your ex hired a shark you can bet that it will be brought up.
In 2012 personal liberty should allow us some measure of privacy but that hasn't reached some of the less open minded judges yet.

Good luck. Stay strong.

 

[andyomama66]

Yoga.

Write in a journal.

Read.

Think about what you did when you were a child that calmed you down and chances are that same activity will help.

Personally, I like to color when I am angry.

I like your advice, Princess. A holistic approach. I'd add lawyer up to that.

 

[SweetErika]

Something sounds wrong. Not sure in Canada, but in the US, the mother get's custody unless she is in prison, a known heroin addict or meth user and is criminal in some way, otherwise she will get custody. The courts automatically give it to the mother.
Perhaps the father can get shared custody or visitation but that's about it.

I'm not sure where you are or how long it's been since you went through the system, but I'd venture to say this is flat-out not true in most jurisdictions currently. Mothers don't automatically get primary custody if fathers contest such an arrangement. However, the courts typically DO try to keep the child's routine as consistent as possible. So, that means if the parents have been separated and the child is living with the mother, the court will likely keep that arrangement in place unless there is good reason not to. Likewise, a stable parent who has stayed at home with the children will probably get more consideration when it comes to primary custody; again, that's because the court wants to keep the child's life as consistent and stable as possible.

There are many factors that judges and mediators consider when they're figuring out custody and visitation. The goal is making an arrangement that's in the best interest of the child(ren). Most mothers do get primary custody simply because they've been the primary caregivers for much of their child's life, have had the kids through the separation/divorce process or the fathers simply don't want primary or sole custody. However, it can--and does--go the other way when the situation is reversed.

I'm guessing Canada's system is similar to ours - judges try to mess up the kids' lives as little as possible and work out an arrangement that allows the children to benefit from having both parents around whenever they can do so in good conscience.