Deadly serious question.

[Nicole]

As you know I have a beautiful 5 year old, and like any Mother I see that he is no angel, but he is a good kid with a wonderful heart. Yep he is MY Angel

What I wanted to know is from any of you older parents that have teenage kids.

We currently have commercials over here trying to divert Kids from Drugs, Teenage kids, but what scares me is these adverts are aimed at that particular age (13 - 19), when we have kids here, just as you do where you are, that are taking drugs at earlier ages. Elementary school for instance.

Okay now tell me, what do you look out for? How do you deal with the problem without making the child feel stupid?

I just wouldn't know where to start, or how to go about these things. I shouldn't even be thinking of this when he is only 5, but it's just around the corner before he starts school here, and I'm terrified of what may happen.

I'm just looking for input into what I should keep my eye out for, and what signs or actions I should be looking for.

Thank-you anyone that may take the time to answer this, it would be a real help if I knew what to look for.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Start NOW. Explain to him in a language that he can understand what Drugs are. Then ask him what he understands. Then explain to him why they are bad. Then ask him to explain to you why they are bad. I don't know about there, but they sell drugs to Kindergarteners over here. Keep doing it, too! Every once in a while, make sure you two are on the same level as far as drugs go! I know you'd never do it, but some parents do, tell the kids to "just say No." then go and toke up. Don't do it yourself. He won't feel stupid, he's 5 years old and you're feeding him information that he's probably already curious about because he's seen it on the television and doesn't quite understand it. If you haven't already, also get into sex and the good touch bad touch thing as well. Tell him that no matter what someone else says, that you will always love him, and you will believe him if he gets a bad touch.

I had to explain where babies came from last night. Thankfully I didn't have to explain how they got there. That's coming to a Muffinhouse near me soon, no doubt.

 

[Mistress]

Do not start with lectures....that only pushes them away from the subject. The best thing to do is be honest with the subject of drugs, maybe give a few examples of your own experiences or experiences of your friends. I was never lectured, but I had the knowledge of how stupid the whole drug issue was considering my parents had been druggies.

Usually the truth, if not pushed on a child can be the best way to help them understand. And to learn from the mistakes of others also helps a great deal. I am glad I did not turn out like my parents, druggies, and drinkers, and way to young to have even thought of having a child.

As long as your honest you can not go wrong, there will be time for lectures, but it is not needed in the beginning. My father turned 20 years old one month after I was born, my mother 17 five months later. Too young and too damn stupid, father was in the military, they married before my birth divorced when I was 2. He went to Germany, and my mother dropped me off at my grandparents house then got doped up and hitch hiked over the USA.

I learned that, there was no way in hell..I was ever going to turn out like my parents. I had good examples to live by.

 

[Nicole]

I have done the whole good touch bad touch talk, and I tell him that no matter what I will be there for him.

I thought I should start now, and I will, I just don't know where to start, you see I have never been involved in drugs, Don't like them and don't appreciate them. The problem is that my son's poor excuse for a shithead father did drugs the whole time I was with him (6 months) but he is still sorta involved with my boy. It scares me that he may think it "Normal" to go have a toke with Dad.

I was talking to Havoc the other day about all of this and like I said to him, I'm going to try the "your a bigger man to say no, than you are to say yes" BUT like he said "Peer pressure is so different now to when we went to school".

God this scares me, I would hate to see a well mannered little man turn into a nightmare, cause lets face it drugs, no matter how small or insignificant you think they are, all drugs (including alcohol) damage us and make us act a little differently.

Thanks Muffin, I know this being a Mum thing is going to be the hardest thing I ever do, but it's all so much fun too.

 

[Nicole]

Just a thought on the whole Dont lecture him thing.

Do any of you know of books, I mean for his age that I could use to help, that I could get a hold of? He loves reading and being read to, and that might help.

Thanks all of you for helping me with this, it scares me to death that this could happen.

 

[Weird Harold]

We currently have commercials over here trying to divert Kids from Drugs, Teenage kids, but what scares me is these adverts are aimed at that particular age (13 - 19), when we have kids here, just as you do where you are, that are taking drugs at earlier ages. Elementary school for instance.

For starters, when you see one of the commercials aimed at teens and preteens, ask him what he thinks about the commercials. You might be surprised at what he already understands about drugs.

At his age, drugs should be classed right along with taking anything from anyone not approved by someone placed in authority over him -- Teacher, daycare attendant, babysitter, etc.

What you watch for at that age is the same thing you watch for at any other age -- sudden unexplainable changes in behavior or mood.

He will learn more from how you react to things than what you say about them. If he believes that you are really disgusted with kids who use drugs and consider them stupid, then he will pick up that attitude without you ever having to directly discuss it.

 

[teresafannin]

Hi Nicole, honesty is the best policy & you will know when your son is ready. Don't give him a lot of numbers & statistics. Honest facts are always best when explained in language he can understand. When he starts asking questions, answer him truthfully. Kids know when we lie to them & they hear much more than we think they do. Set a good example, kids watch everything & we may think they are absorbed in tv or a game, but they are keeping their eyes on us. I know you will be great, the relationship you have with your son is based on lots of love & trust. We had to explain about good drugs & bad drugs when Justin was 5. His stepdad is a diabetic who takes 2-3 insulin shots a day. A lot of people thought that we shouldn't explain about insulin & syringes, but Justin needed to know that his dad had to have those shots to survive.If it comes down to it, tell his father that if he EVER does any kind of drugs in front of your son, he can't see him anymore. That is what I did with Justin's birth father. It was hard at first, but Justin was better off not having that kind of influence in his life. It is a way different world than when we were kids & I am way older than you are. Knowledge is power & the more knowledge our kids have, the better off they & the world will be.

 

[DarlingBri]

He will learn more from how you react to things than what you say about them. If he believes that you are really disgusted with kids who use drugs and consider them stupid, then he will pick up that attitude without you ever having to directly discuss it.

I beg to differ, and differ most strongly, on this opinion for two reasons:

1. "Disgusted" is not the attitude we're looking for. God forbid the child should ever develop a drugs problem. He is hardly going to turn to his mother knowing she will be disgusted with him.

2. Not discussing drug use with children in the day and age is a serious parental oversight.

That's my $1 worth.

 

[Mistress]

Hon you can find books that relate to his age. You may want to check out the local book stores or even the net, but they do have them! Snuggles!

 

[KillerMuffin]

Sit him in your lap and hold a conversation with him, just like you would anything else. The more you spaz over it, the more afraid he's going to be. You don't want him to be afraid, you want him to be thinking. You are a smart, good, and wonderful mother Nicole. You can get books or whatever, ask your local librarian. In the end, however, all that matters is that you pay attention to him, now and for the rest of his life. And that you take the time to talk with him. Not to him, with him.

What precepitated my discussion with drugs with my son was an episode of Nash Bridges, oddly enough. They found all these prettily wrapped packages that were supposed to be heroin. My son said, "That stuff is kinda bad, huh."

So we talked about it. Just like we'd talk about anything else. I explained to him what drugs are and why they are different from the medicine mommy takes. I asked him what he understood, because he likes to talk. Snuggling with him during the conversation helped too. He knew it was serious, because we were talking about a Bad Thing, but he also enjoyed the conversation too.

You don't have to sit him in a chair with a chalkboard, or even have all the facts. 5 year olds don't have the concept of percentages and ruined lives down yet. The fact that drugs do bad things to you, make your family sad, and make it so that nothing is fun anymore, is usually enough for a 5 year old. Help him understand that drugs take away the things that are important to him. For my son, playing dinosaurs with his friends wouldn't be fun anymore, because if he were to take drugs, the only thing he could think about would be to get more drugs to take. He wouldn't get to play anymore. Stuff like that.

 

[Nicole]

Thanks everyone, you all seem to be saying the same things, so I guess it's start now and work from there, always keeping up to date with what he knows.

Teresa, I'll give his shithead of a father that much, he won't even smoke in front of MY son. But the knowledge that he does the drugs and just finding out that he has done harder drugs recently, well it's made me wonder if he should even see MY son again.

I am going to start tonight, and Harold, I'll do that when these commercials come on.

Okay the thing is that no-one in My family has done drugs, no one drinks and no one smokes, so in a way all this will be so new to MY son, and it scares me that he will want to try it all. I know I did, I took up smoking because it was new and no-one else had done it in our house. Also like I was saying that peer pressure is so different now to when I went to school.

It's a hard job, but so rewarding too.

Thanks again everyone

 

[DarlingBri]

On the other hand...

I took up smoking *because* everyone in my house smoked.

Statistically, your child is less likely to be a smoker if you don't smoke.

 

[Nicole]

Wow so much to take in eh?

Okay I think I'm going with KillerMuffin just now, talk to him and not at him, he'd only get pissed at me if I did anyway LOL.

Just so scary to think we have to do this at such an early age, what ever happened to "let kids be kids"?

Thanks again everyone, and I will look out for some fun but understandable books in his age group.

 

[Nicole]

I'm off now to pick him up and give him a HUGE hug.

Thanks again anyone that put input in here, it is very appriciated

 

[Weird Harold]

I beg to differ, and differ most strongly, on this opinion for two reasons:

1. "Disgusted" is not the attitude we're looking for. God forbid the child should ever develop a drugs problem. He is hardly going to turn to his mother knowing she will be disgusted with him.

2. Not discussing drug use with children in the day and age is a serious parental oversight.

Perhaps "Disgusted" was a poor choice of words. You do have a good point about "keeping the channels open" but that is another aspect of parenting entirely. A parent should always make sure that their child knows they can turn to the parent for non-judgemental help.

There is a difference to my mind between "not directly discussing" and "not discussing." Handled properly, the discussion on drugs, like "The Talk" about sex, doesn't necessarily have to consist of "sit down son, I want to talk to you about drugs today." A comment here, a question there, a quick exchange now, and a short discussion later; all in the normal course of living does far more to reinforce the importance of avoiding drugs than a one time "direct discussion" can ever do -- especially for a pre-schooler.

 

[DarlingBri]

Fair enough... I agree. Well said.

 

[genderbender]

What a great thread with so many thoughtful comments.

What comes across so clearly in your post Nicole is your sincere concern for your son. You want to be a good mother and you're asking for support in your role. That's a great beginning. Everyone seems to be encouraging open and frank communication, which is wonderful. No doubt you understand that good communication doesn't happen automatically. In the same way your behavior serves continuously as an example for your child, how you communicate with him about everything will affect how he hears you on this important topic. So keep loving him and keep talking with him about everything that's important in his life and your life together. Let him know that what he has to say to you is important.

And get plenty of support for yourself. You're right, this is probably the most challenging and rewarding job you'll do this lifetime. Having help with your son and time for yourself will keep you fresh for those times when things get hard. And be gentle with yourself when you miss the mark with him. None of us is perfect in anything we do.

I applaud your loving care and concern Nicole and I look forward to hearing more about your son.

 

[DarlingBri]

Ditto

 

[Ally C]

Okay now tell me, what do you look out for? How do you deal with the problem without making the child feel stupid?

I just wouldn't know where to start, or how to go about these things. I shouldn't even be thinking of this when he is only 5, but it's just around the corner before he starts school here, and I'm terrified of what may happen.

I'm just looking for input into what I should keep my eye out for, and what signs or actions I should be looking for.

I don't have kids, but felt that this is such an important issue that I had to contribute. Childhood is often referred to as the formative years, and the part you play in your child's formation has been well surmised already. With reference to peer pressure, well I think that you can play a significant role in your child's ability to deal with this through dialogue (as has been said), a general open-ness and acting in a manner which lets your kid know that you are in fact their best friend. Once your kid is outwith your 'area of control', be that beyond the call of your voice, or beyond the sight of your watchful eye, then the less time you have spent with them giving friendly advice, the more open they may be to outside influences. I'm reminded of a TV campaign for literacy here (in England). Parents are reminded that enabling kids to read and write is not a case of the occasional bed-time story or help with homework. Every waking moment is a potential learning experience: reading a menu when out for a meal, looking at a timetable, and in fact any situation where the child can be involved. It's not then a case of when the child is given learning experiences, it's a case of if you use every possible opportunity to the best of your ability. As for the drugs problem, I think the advice about not confusing your child with facts and figures at an early age is important. Childhood, with hindsight, is quick enough in passing as it is.

For teenage years there is often a tension between the parent's desire for 'control' in the face of adolescent temptations, and the teenager's desire for privacy as they come to think of themselves as autonomous, free thinking adults [or 'near-adults']. It's a fine balancing act at the best of times, and my own take on this process is that moments of disagreement are largely to be expected; not always, but when they do occur the challenge is to realise that you have not necessarily failed, but that your child probably still has some learning to do. An example that might be of use here is teenage / child access to the Internet. Current thinking suggests that a computer (with Internet access) in a child's room is not a good idea. It lets the youth have largely unmonitored access to a medium which is notoriously difficult to police [let's face it - like drugs, it's also highly addictive!]. It can also encourage the child to develop in isolation. The bedroom is viewed as a 'private' space in the home most times anyway. Putting an Internet-ready computer in there can add to a kid's feelings of self-sufficiency, and can perhaps impede traditional social development through dialogue with family members. Not in all cases, but surely it's better to err on the side of caution? As is the case with the subject of drugs, why encourage an exacerbation of divisions in the home (in this case emphasising the use of 'private' space, rather than emphasising the use of social / family space)? One day your kid(s) will leave home. Prepare them for it. As long as they remain under your roof, never lose sight of the fact that it is your home: 'your' in the plural sense. It's never entirely yours, but it's certainly not entirely theirs either.

[Edited by Ally C on 03-26-2001 at 12:44 AM]

 

[Bob Peale]

Arrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Peer pressure is so different now to when we went to school".

Nicole, please don't take this wrong, but that is one of the greatest lies of our civilization. I say this as both an adult and as a parent.

While it is true that access may be different for some people (and I stress the SOME), peer pressure is the same as it's been since time immemorial: horribly oppressive. As soon as you start to believe that it's different, you set your self up to get cold cocked.

First off, there isn't a whole lot out there that wasn't there when we were children; we just were'nt all exposed to it. In the second grade, we planted a tree in front of our scholl in memoriam for a classmates YOUNGER brother that was accidentally shot by another child. In the seventh grade, there was a boy arrested on campus that had a $40,000 a week cocaine and heroin dealership running out of his locker.

And I grew up in the 70's.

I think it's important for us as parents to remember what peer pressure was like, rather than what the pressure was about, because that's the key. We have to help our children weather the storm of deciding what is right (whether that be what's right for them or right according to us). We need to create an environment where, when they feel caught between the morals we've taught them and the will of the crowd, they feel comfortable coming to us to help them navigate the path. If our relationship with them is judgemental, it'll never happen. Most times, it doesn't start with something big; it's usually about clothes, or where everybody hangs out, or the toys everyone plays with, or the things they can watch on television. Most first graders aren't making choices between Jack Daniels and Jim Beam.

The other important aspect of this is, we have to make it clear to our children what OUR morals are. That's very different from imposing them on them! We lead by example, and the life we lead has a lot to do with what a child perceives as right and wrong. It's always ironic that the parents most vehement about drugs are never seen without a cigarette and a beer in their hand by their children. What message does that send? Don't get me wrong, I am not anti-drinking, anti-smoking, anti-anything (ok, that's not true; I HATE the Teletubbies and Barney, but that's a personal shortcoming). But I do think that we don't put enough thought into the unspoken signals we give our children, and then act surprised when they pick up on the non-verbal cues.

So think hard about what you want your little man to be, and make sure you model that behavior. The one thing that is certain is that the old, "Do as I say, not as I do" argument is for the birds. It's not that kids are smarter these days, its that it never worked in the first place.

 

[SteamyChik]

Role-play. Pretend you are the dealer offering some candy, and do it over and over. Make it a game put the response will be habit and automatic. And tell him always to tell you anything that happens. I have always made a game out of how many things my children can remember from their school day so I don't get the usual, "Stuff" answer. Now it takes my children 15-30 minutes to tell me all that hapened. But I sure find out about a lot of interesting things that way!

 

[Shylady]

Nicole

My kids are 17 and 13 and 10 with my son being the middle child.
I can tell you now that my husband and I have never really sat down and talked to our kids about drugs. We do kinda like Harold suggested. We live it first and when questions come up we discuss it then. My kids knew about drug use long before I thought they would.
My kids know it is wrong and that it is bad for you and that we as parents don't do it nor did we do it as teenagers.
As for peer pressure it will always play a part, how much depends on your child. My 17 year old daughter is like her dad in that if she believes it, peer pressure doesn't matter. To her what is right is right and if you think she is uncool or don't want to be her friend well so be it. My 10 year old daughter on the other hand is much more influenced by her friends so she concerns me a bit more for that reason. I can't really tell with my son how he deals with peer pressure, I just try to stay open for all my kids to come to me with anything they need to.
Also there comes a time (whether we want it to or not) that our kids are old enough to make their own decisions. We have to trust that we taught them right and that they will make the right ones.
Also make sure they know they have to face the things that happen because of the choices. There is a very fine line between supporting a child that made a bad decision and helping them face up to the responsiblities of it,and bailing one out, making them think nothing will ever happen to them cause mommy will fix it.
I think you will do just fine Nicole.