daughter
Dreamer
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,561
Polar Juice--
Thanks for turning me on to your story. Liked the pacing. Not in a hurry in the beginning. Good background without overload. Believeable tone and, characterization?
Well, maybe could have done more with Chris, but you did well with your male character. You illustrated his shyness well in both his actions and his narration. Some might have preferred you named him as well, but it worked for me that he focused on Chris. Not naming him, accentuated his shyness and his not wanting too much attention.
Like the care you took to describe their date. Created tension, anticipation. The flirting was way cool. I'm divorced and in that age range so I really identified with their circumstances. Might have given greater detail with the sex. On one hand, I thought about how the protagonist's was in some ways reserved so maybe you wanted the narration to reflect how he'd likely recall the events, which would mean sharing the intimate details without coarse blow by blow commentary. Still debating that one. You had some really cute lines and turn of phrase during the date, I would have liked to have seen more that kind of creativity in the bedroom scene.
The opening paragraph could be pared and tighter. The read isn't as smooth as it could be. Minor issue. In some places, I think you switched tenses. I'd revisit that.
Overall, very pleased. Tweaking maybe, but no major obstacles in my view. I look forward to reading more from you.
Oh, yes. I have read your lady in the green dress. I thought I had written you about that one. Let's talk about that some time.
Thanks again for the read. Here's the link for those who'd like to check this out:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=24672
Peace,
daughter
Thanks for turning me on to your story. Liked the pacing. Not in a hurry in the beginning. Good background without overload. Believeable tone and, characterization?
Well, maybe could have done more with Chris, but you did well with your male character. You illustrated his shyness well in both his actions and his narration. Some might have preferred you named him as well, but it worked for me that he focused on Chris. Not naming him, accentuated his shyness and his not wanting too much attention.Like the care you took to describe their date. Created tension, anticipation. The flirting was way cool. I'm divorced and in that age range so I really identified with their circumstances. Might have given greater detail with the sex. On one hand, I thought about how the protagonist's was in some ways reserved so maybe you wanted the narration to reflect how he'd likely recall the events, which would mean sharing the intimate details without coarse blow by blow commentary. Still debating that one. You had some really cute lines and turn of phrase during the date, I would have liked to have seen more that kind of creativity in the bedroom scene.
The opening paragraph could be pared and tighter. The read isn't as smooth as it could be. Minor issue. In some places, I think you switched tenses. I'd revisit that.
Overall, very pleased. Tweaking maybe, but no major obstacles in my view. I look forward to reading more from you.
Oh, yes. I have read your lady in the green dress. I thought I had written you about that one. Let's talk about that some time.
Thanks again for the read. Here's the link for those who'd like to check this out:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=24672
Peace,
daughter
