Damn I'm Good!

[jabberwok]

I do it again! Who is better? Care to comment? I'll entertain any wannabe writer opinions, especially babes!

Here it is:http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=40675

 

[MysteryWriter]

and humble too

...

 

[VeraGem]

An Honest Opinion

Changing from past to present tense is distracting, especially in the opening paragraph.

The initial descriptions of the girls are perfect, maybe too perfect - even though this is through the eyes of the narrator, it doesn't work. It seems too much like Barbie the Vampire Slayer. And Chess club is nerdy? I resemble that remark.

The dialog is confusing: multiple characters speaking in the same paragraph is a grammatical no-no, especially when the speech of one character is interspersed with the actions of another.

You need to watch the use of there and their, and the use of fragments.

The story/plot itself isn't bad, but I think it would have been better if the characters had been developed - they all came across as stereotypical bodies going through actions. A bit of tension and build up before the start of the beatings would have added a lot more believability. In short, the story didn't make me care about any of the characters involved.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I offer a word for your consideration:

PARAGRAPHING.

I hit monster paragraph two and quit reading.

 

[DRxBlue]

i'm only posting as a way to get close to the Muffinator

No, seriously, about your story...the situation was really interesting, but a little contrived.

It seems a bit like something that could only happen in a pornographic story. The idea that anyone would leave 3 teens to live together for 6 months is a great masturbatory fantasy, but falls into the category of "things totally unbelievable".

Even if the male WERE a nerd.

You also have some unusual ideas about capitalization . "Witchdoctors" "Newspaper" "Bleach Blonde" ... they don't need it.

The line "Jenny and Sandy were to ride me back to their house..." is sort of ambiguous. Were they going to put a saddle on you? Assume the female superior sexual position? i understand what you meant, but that could be expressed better.

A double hand job that lasted for HOURS and you resisted the urge to come? Nerds must have amazing will power, or these girls were really BAD at it.

i guess that it WAS the 1st time they'd ever seen a cock...i'll give you that one.

A few problems with homonyms, like "there" and "their"; "whether" and "weather". Pretty sad story too yet i found myself laughing, not at the mistakes but the way you laugh at Buster Keaton or Stan Laurel when things go wrong for them.

i was really pretty entertained, though i wish you could give ego transfusions to some of us not quite so self assured. <jk>

Keep on writing! You're BOUND to improve.
<jk again>

 

[MaxSebastian]

Damn I'm Good! etc etc etc...

What, are you nuts ?

 

[Tatewaki]

I do it again! Who is better? Care to comment? I'll entertain any wannabe writer opinions, especially babes!

With an intro like that, I was expecting big things from you, my friend. Sadly, you didn't deliver.

I'll be polite and leave it at that.

-T

 

[DRxBlue]

Hey there Jabberwok!
Since you've got a fetish for "public humiliation"
you must be in HEAVEN by now!

(sorry, i couldn't resist)

 

[VeraGem]

Since you've got a fetish for "public humiliation"
you must be in HEAVEN by now!

Damn, I never thought of it that way.

Pawn to e8 - Checkmate.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Okay, okay, guys. It is a fact of life that writers have these impossibly huge egotistic episodes interspersed with rinky-dinky episodes of complete insecurity. He was probably just riding on his ego high when he wrote this. Those never last.

Give him a break.

 

[MysteryWriter]

Surely you jest...

You have to be kidding writers with ego no way... roflmao

 

[KillerMuffin]

Of course I'm kidding!

mumbling Hehehe, he never noticed my oversized ego.

 

[MysteryWriter]

or mine

Pound for pound i got more ego than anyone I know. And I take criticism so well..

 

[KillerMuffin]

LOL, no you don't me darlin. I have the largest ego here, bar none but DCL. And don't you forget it.

I offer proof: Who has set themselves up as expert of short story writing in these parts? KillerMuffie, that's who. My ego not only knows no bounds, but it's simply amazing to watch its pure arrogance at work. I'm not even that magnificent of a writer. No, I don't believe my own press.

 

[jabberwok]

I know what I know!

I'm sorry if I offended people. You will all come to know my perfection in time. I have been told by many I have an active imagination. I just communicate that on paper using my advanced college writing skills. You best sit and learn, or wait and see. I will overcome all objections as you all take your hat's off to me! Look for my part II of Karate Girls just recently submitted. Then you will understand and sigh!

Enough said......

 

[MysteryWriter]

for the killer not the jabber

Muffin I thought everybody but me was an expert on the short story and I was the expert on everything else..

 

[KillerMuffin]

Ha ha. Very funny, Jabberwock. You can quit playing the passing-drivel-off-as-genius game now.

 

[MysteryWriter]

if bullshit isnt genius

then i got to go too

 

[VeraGem]

Strunk and White or Bulwer-Lytton?

I'm inspierd by the greatness before me; proudly humbled even - my whole style has undergone a rebirth! I thought I'd share the opening sentence of my latest work of genious!

She was hot: so hot that the slow drizzle of water over her tightly naked college breasts boiled into steam before it managed to temptingly ooze in pulsing rivulets across her sculpture-chisled abs; the steam rising therefrom - still reeking of her womanhood like a heady stew of sex, (a sex fresh as the first dawn and yet raw as a primeval gout of boiling red magma) - swirled about the raven dark curls that brazenly framed the seeming face of an angel only recently ascended from the pits of hell as she looked up from the 64 bicoloured squares into taped-glasses eyes of her opponent, Dudley Lewis, and cunningly slipped his pawn between her falsely nubile over-puffed voluptuous magenta lips while batting her perfect lashes flirtingly, then breathed: "Can I put my queenie-thing between your horsies like that?"

 

[MysteryWriter]

damn i am old

i quit when I couldn't figure out what college breasts were. College student's breasts I could figure out but how does one have college breasts do they attend classes without the owner. Do they have property of harvard tattooed on them. Well since I didnt get it i figured i was too old and quit.

 

[rogtom_69]

Well...Jabberwok...I give you one thing: You certainly figured out a way to get people to read your story!

<hee hee>

How will anyone ever know how great you are unless you tell them, huh?

I think that there is a fine story hidden somewhere among all that 'cereal' ... Perhaps breaking it up into smaller, more digestable paragraphs would improve its readability.

If you were to seperate out your conversation the reader would be better able to figure out who is saying what...I tend to prefer starting a new line whenever a new character speaks, unless there is a clear indication that the speaker has changed...

Well...I'm no Ernest Hemmingway, but that's my two bob's worth....Good luck on your writing. I'll keep my eye out for more stories.

Oh...BTW... I have several stories published on Literotica which you are welcome to read and criticize

RogTom's Stories

......................................................................................................

If I weren't so damn modest I'd be perfect....

 

[VeraGem]

It's tough to be really bad

MW, sorry about that - I was thinking "Angry lesbian breasts" because I'd heard it used before.

-But you gave up before you got to the split infinitive...

Bummer.

 

[MysteryWriter]

jeeze not that.

Damn, not the split infinitive trick. God will the bastards never tire of their efforts to confuse an old man. I feel so lost and helpless when I read the new styles. I just have to stop. An old man, lost in the world of better educated writers, is a terrible thing to be. I am so ashamed of my own poor efforts. I suppose I will just muddle on with my poor ole country boy style.