Dammit, I thought Romeo and Juliet were dead

[LadyJeanne]

My wonderful little sister has been seeing a boy for the last few years who is from the "wrong" ethnic group. Back in the old country, our families would be at war, or at least the people in the hills dropping bombs on each other would have, and our families would never have met. They're Muslim; we're Christian Orthodox. Different languages, different countries, centuries of hatred, yet, the family cultures aren't really that different.

My parents haven't been too excited about their relationship, but after their initial wringing of hands, welcomed him into their home and their lives since my sister really loves him. They've been very kind to him, and have told her they think he's a nice boy and they like him, and as long as she loves him, they're not concerned.

His family, on the other hand, has been less welcoming. My sister just spent the last six weeks taking care of him after he broke his leg in three places, and then went out of her way to drive him 1500 miles across country so he could visit his parents because they were so worried about him. She spent a week at his house where his family refused to speak any English in front of her even though she can't speak their language. When the family gathered to say goodbye as they were about to head back, his sister said to my sister, and I quote:

"I hope I never have to see you again."

WTF? How mean is that?

The boyfriend was pissed off and spoke his mind, but my sister is in tears and miserable. They're serious about each other, are thinking they might get married in a couple of years, and this issue is just not going to go away.

She's sad, he's upset, and I'm mad enough to spit nails. Why, why are people so mean to each other for no good reason?

 

[DrFreud]

Hatred is easier than tolerance.




DrF

 

[arienette]

My wonderful little sister has been seeing a boy for the last few years who is from the "wrong" ethnic group. Back in the old country, our families would be at war, or at least the people in the hills dropping bombs on each other would have, and our families would never have met. They're Muslim; we're Christian Orthodox. Different languages, different countries, centuries of hatred, yet, the family cultures aren't really that different.

My parents haven't been too excited about their relationship, but after their initial wringing of hands, welcomed him into their home and their lives since my sister really loves him. They've been very kind to him, and have told her they think he's a nice boy and they like him, and as long as she loves him, they're not concerned.

His family, on the other hand, has been less welcoming. My sister just spent the last six weeks taking care of him after he broke his leg in three places, and then went out of her way to drive him 1500 miles across country so he could visit his parents because they were so worried about him. She spent a week at his house where his family refused to speak any English in front of her even though she can't speak their language. When the family gathered to say goodbye as they were about to head back, his sister said to my sister, and I quote:

"I hope I never have to see you again."

WTF? How mean is that?

The boyfriend was pissed off and spoke his mind, but my sister is in tears and miserable. They're serious about each other, are thinking they might get married in a couple of years, and this issue is just not going to go away.

She's sad, he's upset, and I'm mad enough to spit nails. Why, why are people so mean to each other for no good reason?

That's fucked up! I don't get it, either. My family are hardcore rednecks, hate black people for no good reason, and they were never too welcoming of any of my younger sister's friends that were so called "different". I don't get it, I really don't. I hope everything works out, however, I know it won't. Life isn't that easy.

 

[cloudy]

I understand, honestly.

Mixing two different cultures is never easy, but kudos to your sister and her boyfriend for having their priorities straight.

Maybe his family will deal with it better in time, maybe they won't. It's a very real possibility they won't, but if he loves her enough to stand up to them, they'll be fine.

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

Perhaps he was one of their children who was left behind.


Youve Got To Be Carefully Taught
South Pacific - Rodgers & Hammerstein


You've got to be taught
To hate and fear,
You've got to be taught
From year to year,
It's got to be drummed
In your dear little ear
You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught to be afraid
Of people whose eyes are oddly made,
And people whose skin is a diff'rent shade,
You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught before it's too late,
Before you are six or seven or eight,
To hate all the people your relatives hate,
You've got to be carefully taught!



Continue to support your sister in her choice, no matter what her final decision may be. In any choice she makes, she will need your love and support.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Hatred is easier than tolerance.




DrF

Thanks, Doc.

Do you really think so, though? I find hatred takes so much more out of me than tolerance. So much effort, so much emotion, so much energy.

 

[LadyJeanne]

That's fucked up! I don't get it, either. My family are hardcore rednecks, hate black people for no good reason, and they were never too welcoming of any of my younger sister's friends that were so called "different". I don't get it, I really don't. I hope everything works out, however, I know it won't. Life isn't that easy.

I understand, honestly.

Mixing two different cultures is never easy, but kudos to your sister and her boyfriend for having their priorities straight.

Maybe his family will deal with it better in time, maybe they won't. It's a very real possibility they won't, but if he loves her enough to stand up to them, they'll be fine.

If they want to stay together, this issue will be a struggle for them both. They stopped seeing each other for a while because of this back in the beginning.

They're both such good people, and they're really good for each other. My hope is this somehow brings them closer because they understand each other so well. The cultures are really so very similar, despite the differences.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Perhaps he was one of their children who was left behind.


Youve Got To Be Carefully Taught
South Pacific - Rodgers & Hammerstein


You've got to be taught
To hate and fear,
You've got to be taught
From year to year,
It's got to be drummed
In your dear little ear
You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught to be afraid
Of people whose eyes are oddly made,
And people whose skin is a diff'rent shade,
You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught before it's too late,
Before you are six or seven or eight,
To hate all the people your relatives hate,
You've got to be carefully taught!



Continue to support your sister in her choice, no matter what her final decision may be. In any choice she makes, she will need your love and support.

What a pefect song! He must have been out playing ball when his sisters were studying.

 

[elsol]

They think they have a good reason.

Hatred is harder than tolerance... but nothing beats ignorance for ease of use. Every fucking idiot on the planet can excel at ignorance.

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[Dar~]

This has happened to me also. For about 6 months I dated a Philipino guy and he was great but my grandfather is really racist (I love him utterly and completly) I told Carlos that I woudl stay with him regardless, but he ended up breakign it off with me b.c he didn't want to deal with my grandfather. My grandfather is like a father to me, so I know he made the best choice for him, butit still hurt to know that I got dumped because of some one elses ahtered issues.
Hopefully his family will realize that his love for her is what matters and not the race thing.

 

[LadyJeanne]

They think they have a good reason.

Hatred is harder than tolerance... but nothing beats ignorance for ease of use. Every fucking idiot on the planet can excel at ignorace.

Sincerely,
ElSol

You know what the real idiocy is here? They all fucking left their home country and came to America to get away from the ethnic strife.

 

[jacuzzigal]

Thanks, Doc.

Do you really think so, though? I find hatred takes so much more out of me than tolerance. So much effort, so much emotion, so much energy.

Both good points. LJ, I understand - hatred is draining. But I think Doc is right - often it's easier to stick with what you know and be afraid of what you don't than to face that fear and try to think differently or go against a group. It's sad but it happens often.


I wish your sister well.

 

[LadyJeanne]

This has happened to me also. For about 6 months I dated a Philipino guy and he was great but my grandfather is really racist (I love him utterly and completly) I told Carlos that I woudl stay with him regardless, but he ended up breakign it off with me b.c he didn't want to deal with my grandfather. My grandfather is like a father to me, so I know he made the best choice for him, butit still hurt to know that I got dumped because of some one elses ahtered issues.
Hopefully his family will realize that his love for her is what matters and not the race thing.

Do you think there was anything that you or Carlos could have said or done that might have made your grandfather see things differently?

 

[elsol]

All we need is a voluntary, free-spirited, open-ended program of procreative racial deconstruction. Everybody just gotta keep fuckin' everybody 'til they're all the same color.

Racism/Ethinicism/Classicism just cuts down on the number of women I might convince to fall naked onto a bed with me.

My dick doesn't allow my options to be cut down like that.

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[LadyJeanne]

Both good points. LJ, I understand - hatred is draining. But I think Doc is right - often it's easier to stick with what you know and be afraid of what you don't than to face that fear and try to think differently or go against a group. It's sad but it happens often.


I wish your sister well.

Thank you, sweets.

I don't know how to fight hatred except to take the high road and kill them with kindness. It doesn't always work, but at least you don't have to feel bad that you called someone a racist cunt to her face, like I would have wanted to had I been there.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Racism/Ethinicism/Classicism just cuts down on the number of women I might convince to fall naked onto a bed with me.

My dick doesn't allow my options to be cut down like that.

Sincerely,
ElSol

ROFL! Ok, you get big points for making me laugh right now.

That's a very egalitarian dick you have there. Kudos!

 

[jacuzzigal]

Thank you, sweets.

I don't know how to fight hatred except to take the high road and kill them with kindness. It doesn't always work, but at least you don't have to feel bad that you called someone a racist cunt to her face, like I would have wanted to had I been there.

I agree on the high road comment. Tolerance is the only way to fight this kind of prejudice. We've come a long way but apparently we have a long way to go still... *sigh* Maybe your sister will be one of the people that helps us get where we need to be.

 

[Dar~]

Carlos obviously didn't thinkI was worth fighting for

 

[jacuzzigal]

Carlos obviously didn't thinkI was worth fighting for

Then he wasn't worth much, Dar.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Then he wasn't worth much, Dar.

I totally agree, Dar. You're better off without someone who won't stand beside you 100%.

 

[TiberiusM]

The sad thing...

The sad thing is that if these intolerant types managed to get rid of those they currently hate, they'd just find another group to hate for some other imagined reason. They are taught hate and will hate someone or something their whole lives. That's part of why prejudice takes so long to get rid of. One generation teaches the next.

<shrugs unhappily at the perpetuation of such things>

Ti

 

[Dar~]

He was a great guy, but I truly believe things happen for a reason. After he broke it off with me (amicably), he joined the marines and is now an officer. He is married to someone who adores him and they have two little girls. I am also happily married to a wonderful man who adores me. We have two children. Things work out. We were good together, but not meant to be.

 

[TiberiusM]

He was a great guy, but I truly believe things happen for a reason. After he broke it off with me (amicably), he joined the marines and is now an officer. He is married to someone who adores him and they have two little girls. I am also happily married to a wonderful man who adores me. We have two children. Things work out. We were good together, but not meant to be.

Every closing door turns you to another open one. Enjoy the memories and live. I'm glad it worked out, in the long run.

 

[BlackShanglan]

You know what the real idiocy is here? They all fucking left their home country and came to America to get away from the ethnic strife.

Sorry, that did make me laugh. Oh, how easily we forget, eh?

Hatred is generally rooted in fear. I think that's what makes many people turn to it instead of tolerance. They are terrified that they will lose something important to them, whether land, religion, culture, money, or a family member. It's the fear that makes them lash out all around them. Not that it makes it any prettier a spectacle.

I don't know how to fight hatred except to take the high road and kill them with kindness.

The best route by far. First, it defuses a little of that fear, even if it's just through bafflement of the "why the hell is this person I was incredibly rude to sending me thank-you hostess flowers?!?" variety. Secondly, it can be quite a lot of fun if you can force yourself to see the humor in it. Third, it's really the only way to win; nothing quite baffles and frustrates a deliberately rude person like someone who won't recognize rudeness and who instead is ruthlessly cheerful. And fourth, of course, there's just a slight chance that you might shame the recipient into behaving a little better, if only to avoid making you look awfully good in comparison.

Might also help to mention how glowingly the BF speaks of the family and how happy she is to meet them. That sort of thing doesn't always look like it's making much progress, but it can help a lot. Deep at heart, they're worried that he doesn't want to keep being part of their lives; letting them know that he loves them and thinks about them may help.

Best of luck to her. I don't envy her position. When all is said and done, there are some people who will never change. My uncle's parents disowned him when he married my aunt; they would not speak to him on the phone or answer the door for twenty years. Ironically, they ended up with him when old age and Alzheimer's caught up with them. It wasn't easy on anyone, but he has this immense consolation: he did the right thing, and he stood up for what was right and what was merciful even when it cost him. I know that he sleeps better for it.

Shanglan

 

[Dar~]

[threadjack] This makes me think of how upsetting it was that it took 9-11 to make people feel patriotic. All of a sudden the bitching about military pay stopped, the bitching about our political system stopped, and even most of the bitching about george bush stopped. Now, It has all starte dup again. The patriotism lasted about a year and a half. Not that I disagree about the GWB thing (he's a fucktard) but why can't americans realize that they have a good thing? There are bad leaders and good leaders, but as a whole this country is pretty damned cool. Why does it take thousands of people dying to make people understand that?[/threadjack]