Daily Affirmations

[shereads]

I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!

from the book by Stuart Smalley (with Al Franken)

Background: Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer and a member of several 12-step programs but not a licensed therapist. He has appeared on television as the host of "Daily Affirmations."

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New Year's Eve • My Solemn Vow

I will finish this book one year from today. Every morning I will exercise, shower, eat a good breakfast, then sit down at my tape recorder, and talk down that day's affirmation. I will not rewrite! What I say into my tape recorder the first time is just fine! Because I'm good enough! I'm smart enough! And doggone it, people like me!

Also, I will get dressed before showering and breakfast.



(c)1992, Al Franken

 

[shereads]

January 1 • Today I Will Embrace the Chance to Start Anew!

Okay. That was a mistake. Every day is a chance to start anew. And by singling out January 1st, I'm giving the impression that we should live one year at a time instead of one day at a time. Now I kind of wish I hadn't promised myself not to rewrite. But I did! It's just that I hate starting out on the wrong foot. Maybe this book is one big, huge mistake. But that's just Stinkin' Thinkin' and I refuse to beat myself up! If I could just start over somehow. Oh well, let's move on.

 

[shereads]

January 1 • Today I Will Think of Creative Solutions to My Problems!

There. I did it. A few years ago, I would have said to myself, "Stuart, you made a solemn vow not to rewrite. Move on to January 2nd." And that would have been okay. That was me then. This is me now. And the me now (does that make sense?), the me now, Stuart, now, the person that I am now (oh, I wish I could rewrite), anyway, I realized that I had a problem: How can I start over without rewriting? And I, the me now, realized that problems have solutions. And I solved it! Why? Because I didn't give up! Of course, sometimes we *should* give up. When we're trying to do the impossible. Such as control another person. So forget "I didn't give up!" The real reason I solved my problem is that I believed in myself! That's it! I believe in me!

 

[shereads]

January 1 • I Believe in Me!

Okay. That's a fitting way to start. Say it to yourself. Several times. "I believe in me!" "I believe in me!" "I believe in me!" At first you might not buy it. You might have a negative reaction. And that's okay! Remember, for your whole life that critical voice inside you has been saying, "I don't believe in me! I don't believe in me!" Well, he's wrong! Or she! Okay. That's something I have to figure out. How to deal with the "he" and "she" thing. Okay, I have to stop making mental note to myself like this. I vowed not to rewrite, and...I wonder if I can just omit things? No, then I'd start censoring...Okay, I'm sorry. I've completely forgotten where I am.

 

[shereads]

January 2 • I Will Let Go of Past Mistakes

I had trouble sleeping last night. Because I was holding onto yesterday's bad start. But then I realized that there was nothing I could do about it, other than to think of some creative solution to the whole mess. And that kept me up a lot longer. So this morning, I was really just dog-tired. I mean, already this book is exhausting me and it's only January 2nd! Then I remembered to *let go!* Let go! Get off my own back! This doesn't mean give up. It just means I don't have to get in my own way. If I let go and let God, it'll be okay. Or as Donna, a woman in my OA group who is totally addicted to waffles, likes to say, *"Leggo my Eggo!"* And it works! She's lost eighty-three pounds and I think this is my best affirmation yet!

 

[shereads]

A note from the thread host: it's not "plagiarism," as such, if I credit the author. It's not lazy, either, but it will be if I ever buy a text scanner. And even if it is lazy, that's okay! I'm not going to beat myself up over it!

 

[Guest]

I need the vocal, loved seeing him on SNL. He did a bit with Al and Tipper Gore that was great as it was after Gore 'lost'. P.

 

[Op_Cit]

You forgot the poll option:

I just clicked here to see if shereads had posted a more sexually explicit AV, I'm tired of all the teasing and want to see more.

 

[shereads]

I need the vocal, loved seeing him on SNL. He did a bit with Al and Tipper Gore that was great as it was after Gore 'lost'. P.

And with Michael Jordan, who is urged to repeat this custom affirmation:

"I don't need to...dribble the basketball perfectly, or 'make a basket' every time. People like me for me."

 

[shereads]

I just clicked here to see if shereads had posted a more sexually explicit AV, I'm tired of all the teasing and want to see more.

I accept Paypal at my subscription site, "FREE XXXX Russian Teenaged Virgins NO CREDIT CARD REQUIRED Ultra Hard-Core Asian Cum-Sluts XXXX 'TOONS in Bondage!! Updated Weekly BEGIN TOUR Enter."

 

[Op_Cit]

WhatdidIsay? Tease.

I accept Paypal at my subscription site, "FREE XXXX Russian Teenaged Virgins NO CREDIT CARD REQUIRED Ultra Hard-Core Asian Cum-Sluts XXXX 'TOONS in Bondage!! Updated Weekly BEGIN TOUR Enter."

But then again Mongolian cartoon girls are a particular fetish of mine...where is my credit card again?

 

[shereads]

January 3 • I Will Let Go of Past Mistakes 2

Okay. I did have trouble sleeping again because I realized that I didn't do the best job of explaining "Let go of past mistakes." And let me say that at about 3:00 a.m. I did see the irony. I mean, I'm not an idiot! And I had to laugh. Which I think helped me get to sleep. Anyway, I did explain a little yesterday about letting go, but not about letting go of the *past.* Too often, we live in the past or in the future, and forget that *now* is the only time you can live. But that's okay! In fact, it's more than okay, because if you think of it, *It's always now!* But by living in the past or in the future, you're missing out on life! If I look back at my first forty years on this planet, and take away all the times I was living in the past or the future, I'd say I really existed for maybe a month. So let's live now! And now! And now, now, now, now, now!!!!!

 

[shereads]

January 4 • I Will Listen With Love to What My Body is Telling Me

I think I'm getting a cold. Which is my body telling me I have a dis-ease. In other words, I am not at ease, hence, a dis-ease, i.e., my feeling sick is being caused by my ill-at-ease-ness. God, I wish I could rewrite! But I can't; I'd drive myself crazy. Instead, I'm just making myself sick. Which is my body telling me that I'm having one big humongous codependent slip. Which is okay. At least I'm naming it and owning it and saying, "Hey, I accept the fact that I'm in a shame spiral, but I still love myself and will keep taking the actions I need to take." Which are getting up, exercising, showering, getting dressed, eating a good breakfast, and then talking into this tape recorder. I'm going to be okay!

 

[shereads]

January 5 • I Will Stay in Bed If I Am Sick!

I don't even think that's an affirmation. This whole thing is turning into a total disaster. I can't exercise today. I'll just get sicker. My throat is so sore, I can hardly talk. Why did I ever think I could do this?

 

[shereads]

January 6 • I Am a Fraud!

Who do I think I am, writing a self-help book? How can I help other people when I'm this imposter! I mean, I'm not even a licensed therapist! Why did I tell everyone I was doing this book? Boy, talk about setting yourself up! I am disappointing so many people. My friends. My book agent. My editor at Dell. I don't dare show her what I've written. Why did Dell pay me to do this anyway? They can't know what they're doing. No other publisher in their right mind would buy this book. I wonder if I have to give back the advance.

 

[shereads]

January 1 • I Am a Success!

As we start the new year on this the first day of January, January 1st, the first day of the new year, we remove all negative thoughts, and remind ourselves how competent, intelligent, and...Who am I kidding? I'm sorry.

 

[shereads]

February 7 • I Will Bounce Back!

The last five weeks have been pure hell! If I left my bed, it was either to go to the bathroom or to eat graham crackers. Or both. I isolated. I didn't call my Al-Anon sponsor, my DA sponsor, or my ACOA sponsor. And I don't know if they called me, because I wouldn't answer the phone. I was in total despair. And finally, last night, I realized something: After four years in recovery, not only had I relapsed, I *hit bottom!* And you know what? It's okay! In fact, I'm grateful. Because now that I know it can't get any worse, i am ready to change!

 

[shereads]

February 8 • Today I Will Begin To Change!

Most of us are afraid to change. God grant me...the *courage* to change the things I *can.* And what can we change? I can't change what I wrote in January. Well, I guess actually I can. But that would be rewriting. Of course, I could change my vow not to rewrite. But I still think that would be a mistake. Something I *can* change are my attitudes. For example, my attitude about rewriting. I think that's been my problem, I've never really accepted the fact that I cannot rewrite! Wow! This is a breakthrough! God grant me the serenity to accept the serenity to accept that I cannot rewrite!

 

[shereads]

February 9 • Today I Will Get What I Need with the Help of God, As I Have Come to Understand Him!

Everybody's understanding of God is different. Joanne, a dancer at my Debtor's Anonymous group, believes that God put a parking space in her life. And that's okay. My Higher Power is the part of me that is connected to everything in the Universe, including Joanne and the trees and the birds and Neptune! And you. My Higher Power loves me and knows what's best for me and when I remind myself to stay in contact with him (which I did not do in January), I almost always get what I need. And don't worry. As my Uncle Frank used to say, "Worrying is paying interest on money you'll probably never borrow." Of course, Uncle Frank was killed on a trip to New York when a crane fell on him.

 

[shereads]

February 10 • Today I Will Reach Out to Others.

I finally got the courage to show this to another human being. Ray, my Al-Anon sponsor, told me he thought it was good, but that I might be trying too hard. Jerry, my DA sponsor, said the stuff I wrote in January was very honest, and that this book could become an inspiration to a lot of sick people if I actually finish it after such a pathetic start. Jerry didn't really use the word pathetic, but I think that's what he meant. Joanne, the dancer who believed God put a parking space in her life, suggested that I read other daily affirmation books to draw inspiration.
What a great idea! Maybe the Higher Power put Joanne in my life!

 

[shereads]

February 11 • I Will Not Drive Myself Crazy By Comparing Myself to Others

I took Joanne's advice and looked through Melody Beattie's *The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Codependents.* And it was beautiful. Of course, I immediately started thinking, "Her book is so much better than mine. She's such a terrific writer. I suck." But that's Stinkin' Thinkin' again. And I refuse to beat myself up! Comparing ourselves to others is an invitation to our critical inner voice. "Gosh. Critical Inner Voice, I haven't heard from you lately. How do you think I compare as a writer to, say, Kahlil Gibran? Hmmm? Which do you think is more poetic: 'In your longing for your giant self lies your goodness; and that longing is in all of you' or 'I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me'? What do you think, Critical Inner Voice? And while you're at it, who has a stronger profile? Me or Mel Gibson?" I am a human being, and human beings are not perfect. I love everything about me, even my imperfections! Oh, and I read Melodie Beattie's meditation on comparing yourself to others, and you know what? I like mine better! But that's comparing, and I shouldn't do that. But I did. And that's okay!

 

[shereads]

February 12 • Today I Can Choose To Feel Good

Because I feel good, it's easier for me to accept myself and my faults and the fact that I cannot rewrite. Screw it. If you don't like it, that's your problem! Okay, I'm sorry. I think it's important for a writer to respect his readers' feelings, and that was just uncalled for.

 

[shereads]

February 13 • Today I Don't Have to Obsess About Valentine's Day!

Okay. I think I know what I was vaguely uncomfortable about. Tomorrow. You see, at the moment I have no "significant other." I don't even have an insignificant other. I really haven't felt ready for a relationship since I left Dale, who was a rage-aholic. So tomorrow when everyone else is getting valentines and flowers, guess who's getting a dozen roses from himself? Here's a hint. The card says "To Stuart, forgive me for all the times I did not give you unconditional love. You are the best! Love, Stuart." The FTD man was an Adult Child of Obsessive Gamblers ahd thought it was the most beautiful note he had ever taken over the phone!

 

[shereads]

February 14 • Today I Will Masturbate!

Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will masturbate if I want to."

 

[Guest]

Shit. I wrote a poem for a nutcase and it has two votes only and both are 5.