D/S relationships...

[VampiricTouch]

I'm certain you've seen it. The dom/sub relationships floating about in the SRP. Where he has a Mistress and she has a Master (or two). The point I had intended to make with this thread was to gain some... understanding. A bit of 'perspective' if you will.

Since this Dom/Sub relationship at this point still baffles me. I might be opening up a can of worms here by putting up the thread, but please understand that even though I have NO interest whatsoever in getting into one of these relationships, I have nothing against it. I am just curious.

1. Why are you in a D/S relationship? My first time hearing about having a 'pet' was a little less than two years ago. I had first started on Lit and was on IM with a writer that no longer writes here.

The conversation went something like this:
Writer: Man... I want a Lit slave.
Me: A what?
Writer: A pet, you know... on Lit.
Me:... Why?
Writer: Because it'd be cool! I wonder if _____ or _____ would be my pet....

After hearing that... I had the impression that this D/S thing was a fad on Lit. Because all the 'cool kids' were doing it, and therefore to fit in, I should too. Not being one to try for the mainstream, I ignored it. Obviously since there are plenty more people involved in this, D/S relationships are not just a fad.

From the outside looking in at this whole thing, it seems that a D/S relationship is just like any other relationship with a significant other. However, there seems to be a level of... frivolous-ness accompanied with it. I personally found it strange that someone could cycle through a couple names to think about if they'd be his pet. But of course, that's only one case.

2a. The follow up question goes - If a D/S relationship is just like any other relationship with a significant other, then why bother titling one as dom and the other sub? Does a relationship through Lit necessitate such things? (If it is not like any other relationship please explain how so)

2b. I understand that a lot of people show up on Lit to express, and experiment with the things they would never experiment with in RL. I am one of them. However is there a reason why the D/S relationship is not limited to the thread but also to the overall interaction within the Lounges? Is there a difference between playing the role of a sub by experimenting with it in a story and playing the role within the lounge?

3. Drama. Obviously the frivolous-ness from my first example before was not as frivolous as it seemed. Evidence given by the amount of drama I'm sure plenty of people have seen or dealt with in their time on Literotica. This title given upon a fictional meeting place by itself sparks issues when new comers or even old timers transgress the line of a master and pet's connection. Where is this line drawn? To what etiquette is followed?

4. What about people who already have a significant other in RL? People who have more than one Master or Mistress?
"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other."
I'm sure no one likes to be 'second' in a relationship, how do you balance between a girlfriend/wife (or boyfriend/husband) in RL and a sub on Lit?

 

[yeishia]

LMAO!!!!

*giggles all the way back into real life.*

Can of worms???????????

Are you bored LT? *hugs you tightly*

Hold on......

 

[Mephistophelily]

I have to admit, I'm in that same wavelength as you, VT.


I did once have someone that did, for a time, take label as my Sir. That was done in private messages and IM's; never made mention on here. We had talked for quite awhile before that, almost a year I believe. He knew I was married and even had a stipulation that anytime he and I had conversations of that nature, I was to "thank" my husband for allowing it. Things ended when real life became too hard on both of us, but we still are friends.


Hopefully he doesn't get upset with me for posting this.
I'll delete it if need be.

 

[Last_Rider]

Well, first of all don't consider me an authority on anything, much less something as complex as human interactions, but I will do my best to answer.

1. It feels right. I have never had anything close to a relationship with a significant other in RL, so my basis for comparison is nothing. But I feel more complete like this, beyond that I can't offer any insight.

2a. There is more to D/s relationships that typical ones. Granted again I have experience and bow to those with greater wisdom, but I submit myself to my Mistress. In a more conventional relationship the two are generally equals. In a D/s one is more submissive, but totally trusting of the other and respected for what he/she is. It's just a different level of interaction than a typical scenario, besides, it's more fun to have a title.

2b. I believe yes their is. I view the lounge as simply an extension of who I am, I behave as I would IRL, I say what I would IRL, etc. In a thread I am writing a story with another person, consequently I do/say things that would never cross my mind IRL. Not everyone agrees with this, but that's my view on it. Another aspect is how far one is willing to go with the relationship. Some are purely in a relationship on lit, some just in public, some IRL as well as lit. Personally I will do my best to do anything Mistress asks of me IRL, but that is the level we're both comfortable with, and it varies from person to person.

3. Mistress and I have been blessedly low on drama, mostly because we both abhor it so much. Personally I refuse to indulge drama, or those who seek it.

4. I can't speak to this as I have no SO IRL, but I would try and talk with my partner and my Mistress and sort things out. If pressed to make a decision I don't know what I would do. I think things like this are very organic and different from person to person as to how they deal with it.

 

[monique_minx]

Ooo VT I like how much thought you put into your curiosities! Let me give it a shot if I can...

Why am I in a D/s relationship?

Simply put; I suck at relationships. Seriously, I am so anti female it isn't funny! I have made boyfriends cry because I can be just downright nasty and it had nothing to do with them, it was me. Because the only relationship I ever had that had a chance to succeed with me was with my first Master.

And that was because he knew what I needed better than I did, he knew me for six years before we ever got together and he knew my love of pain and all my turn ons. He also knew of my psychological issues; one being that I struggled to relinquish control to anyone. But when I finally did with his help; I managed to reach a place where I could let someone else into my heart again.

So I actually need my partner to be the dominant, I loathe making decisions and I have trouble letting people in. I also find difficulties in other aspects; such as having an orgasm because I control that too. I struggled for a long time before he came back into my life and quite literally saved me at the time; I was on the verge of killing myself because I couldn't handle how lonely I was.

If I have control; I destroy the relationship.

If a D/S relationship is just like any other relationship with a significant other, then why bother titling one as dom and the other sub?

Ah labels, I hate labels! Their only use is to define places and positions. Like General and Private in the army, one being the lower ranking and the other the higher ranking. Wife and Husband are much the same as titles go.

However is there a reason why the D/S relationship is not limited to the thread but also to the overall interaction within the Lounges? Is there a difference between playing the role of a sub by experimenting with it in a story and playing the role within the lounge?

In my own personal case, my relationship is not limited to Lit. I know there are some that enjoy this simply because in their Real Lives, they can't for various reasons - some being married and only just having discovered their Dom/sub tendencies. They find they are unable to share these things with their partners, some do and it is not an easy thing. They are accustomed to the structure of their relationship as it stands and telling your partner you'd like to whip or be whipped is not that easy.

I put playing it in a thread and playing in the Lounge much under the same category actually. I am still just writing though some would disagree and state that their relationship in the Lounges is them and not a character. Minx is me but I am still just writing.

Drama - Where is this line drawn? To what etiquette is followed?

For me this line is invisible but for others it is all over the place. To be honest if someone has a problem with me playing with their sub or Dom in the Lounges then generally I will be respectful if the limitations are sensible. On more than one occasion you'll have seen me play with multiple partners on Lit, subs, Doms and even some vanilla play. To me this is all just good fun but I will respect hard limits always and most rules of submissives if I am aware of them. Not for my benefit but for theirs so as not to create drama in their Lit lives, it's rather impossible to create drama in mine, I refuse to participate in it.

What about people who already have a significant other in RL? People who have more than one Master or Mistress? How do you balance between a girlfriend/wife (or boyfriend/husband) in RL and a sub on Lit?

I disagree with that statement - no one can serve two Masters. I had an RL submissive who did just that. We were in a polyamorous relationship and I had both a submissive and a Master. Her name was Rae and His name was Callum, I say this much so everyone doesn't get confused.

Rae was my submissive, she was answerable to me but we were both answerable to Callum. This worked for us, we three loved each other very much, took care of each other and we were happy at the time. To be honest, I can balance a lot of different partners and friends. My relationship was equal shared, Rae was not more loved than Callum but neither was she less loved.

I don't know about some people who keep secrets like Lit from their partners, I can't do that because 1. I don't think I should have to, you can either handle my kinks or you can't and 2. I don't lie or omit from my loved ones. I CAN'T lie. I made a promise to myself three and a half years ago never to tell a lie for my own reasons and I have not lied even a little white one in all that time.

I hope this long winded reply helps VT...

As far as equality goes, a sub may be seen not to have power but they do; absolutely. The moment the safe word is uttered, the sub has just called on that power, the Dominant must stop and care for the submissive. The relationship can be 24/7 or just in the bedroom etc. Whatever is right for the couple, communication is the key just like an other relationship. Honestly it is not all that different but I will say that it is more intense.

 

[Leopald]

Since most of the responses here have already been bulleted and answers given on fairly specific levels, I'll just generalize my thoughts on the matter as a whole.

People come to places like Lit, other forums, online communities, games, and chat programs like IMVU and Second Life as an escape from something. Whether its boredom, pressure, a bad relationship (not all reasons are good or healthy), they come to get away and have fun. Sadly, drama usually has a say in the matter, but I won't touch the drama conversation with a 10 foot pole. Regardless, reasons of fantasies, pushing boundaries, and a sense of belonging have been given.

For me, my subs and I form a bit of a support group. Consistency regarding everything from play to emotional and mental encouragement are good enough reasons for me to "collar". Its also a personal opportunity for learning and growth. And I hope that the support I can give helps them as much as I am helped by theirs. But the degrees and reasons vary on an individual basis, of course. I don't view any such reasons as wrong, any more than I do my own as right. They are simply reasons which everyone has a right to pursue.

At the end of the day, its simply a matter of what makes you happy, and enhances your experience on any social website/game/chat. If entering a more exclusive relationship, even one as frivolous as "online only", makes you as an individual enjoy yourself more, then do it. The same applies if your happiest steering clear of the whole prospect, or engaging in casual play and/or chat with everyone who waltzes by, or anything in between.

Escapism can be a valuable tool for over all mental health, but can also be a dangerous weapon for destroying it. My goal is to help, and in doing so, gain my own learning and growing experiences. I have so much to learn as a Dominant, and anyone who doesn't recognize that about themselves in whatever role they fill is hiding from it.

That's all I got for now. Feel free to disregard if it doesn't make a lick of sense.

 

[Niriate]

I mostly have to echo what Monique said. Most of my reasons for being who I am, are amongst the ones she listed.

My SO knows about what I do, both here and on IM's. He accepts it, he knows that I'm a woman with my own needs. He works nightshifts, I work part-time at the school that my kids go to, he takes care of our kids before he goes to work, I take care of them during the mornings and afternoons.

It all balances out nicely for me, and gives me the oppertunity to experience a part of myself that I have to keep in the shadow in my normal life.

 

[Ahren]

I had a kind of long post written out but I realized I just didn't care that much. The summary was I think it's stupid as hell and makes people look pathetic, the "pet" in particular.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

So, a slightly different perspective on a couple of things...
1. Sometimes I absolutely hate the trappings of D/s...the titles, costumes, the 'special effects' if you will. (which isn't to say I don't make use of them, but they still annoy me...this is a mix of personal aesthetic and a reaction to the sort of shallow understanding of D/s I've encountered at times).

2. I DO hide my online life from my SOs (when I have them). This isn't out of a desire to deceive, but rather I've found that a single relationship simply will never satisfy me, not all of me. I'm not sure why...maybe I'm greedy or messy or needy...who knows. But having this place just for me, that helps fulfill whatever desires my current relationship can not.
As an aside, the only time I've felt that all my needs were getting met was when I was in a group relationship with 4 other women/girls. We were insanely happy together for about 2 years. I'm actually not sure if 'poly' is the appropriate term for that. My experience with the term has always been A is in a relationship with B who is in a relationship with C etc, not ABC are all in a relationship together with each other.

I'll probably have more to say after my coffee

 

[Alana_]

This is a subject that causes me a lot of angst from time to time. My views on the Sub/Dom relationships are given with the utmost respect, please understand that, but there's absolutely no other way I can find of saying this without my being honest, and sounding as if I'm either vanilla or aggressive .

I actually, to the bottom of my heart, pity any person that would think so little of themselves and take on the role of a sub, or describe themselves as a sub in a relationship. I want to take them all aside give them a good hug, and severe talking to..Then tell them to get a grip, and don't allow anyone,man or woman, treat you less than you deserve to be treated.
In turn I want to take a bat to some of the doms..male and female I've seen posting in character of the dom..
It simply brings out in me the tendency to protect the sub, and want to absolutely shred the Dom for being a bully.

There's nothing healthy, in my personal view, and this is all this is, MY View, about being addressed as Slave, or Pet, and addressing some one else as Master, or Mistress in a sub dom context. I know i'ts not all about the power in sex.., but it's part of it. I'm not shy with my husband, nor he with me..It does not make one of us a dom, or a sub..it makes us partners.

I'm sorry, while I find it fascinating, and I read most of what I see in the Lounge on the topic to try and gain some education, and insight, but its a subject/livestyle that I just do not understand and find increasingly upsetting, as it just appears selfishly one-sided..
I don't see the respect in the 'couples'.
I see hurt and humiliation, and a lot of condescending interactions..It's like watching someone being stoked gently, before their head is snapped off ..It could take weeks for it to happen, and the tension is unattractive, but it eventually will, and it's so hard to read the writhing pleadings for forgiveness then by a sub to Dom, with out feeling nauseous, and the 'punishments' are just sadly lacking in everything that shows respect to a partner. I just can't understand the mind frame in anyone allowing it happen.

I have chatted at length with one person in particular here, who has helped me see the sub is actually the one with the ultimate control in the relationship. This person I respect as a friend, and their insight truly opened my mind up as they answered my questions, with out being offended, or aggravated with my take on the subject. It was explained that the sub can not be forced to do anything against their will, or outside of their boundaries. I DO understand that..But in gaining that understanding, it only exasperates my own frustration towards a sub, in why then if they have control, how can they agree to be the one that is treated like they're only to serve a selfish 'Master', with their needs secondary to his .
I mean, anyone that ordered me not to 'cum' without permission, is liable to end up in the ER. I can't imagine a more offensive thing for any partner to say, or to deny them. For me, the power in a relationship is in doing everything to ensure a partner is happy and aware they're adored..And not to deny them that wonderful feeling.

Again, it's my view..Fascinating to watch, read, bu I don't get it.

 

[HyddenDesires]

For some, the rare few, it is a life choice and the preferred way of life. To each in the relationship it fulfills the basic, primary needs and allows definition of the relationship to a level of detail most "normal" relationships rarely achieve.

It's intensity might be the draw, or the feeling of security, the range and depth of emotions shared even, or a combination of those and more as any "normal" complex relationship.

Your friend is correct Alana, the sub controls, or defines the relationship while the Dom is the catalyst that helps trigger the events, and while most real life relationships aren't blatantly advertised it doesn't diminish any part of it.

As for the Lit? I've read this site for years and watched the trends, "owning a VR slave" is definately a fad here, another advantage of fantasy world I'm sure, my only question there is how many RL relationships ever exist from it?

VT thank you for this thread and the opportunity to speak our minds in it

 

[monique_minx]

I think I understand Alana, I might actually be able to give you a little more to think on. With your SO, he obviously knows the things you like in the bedroom right? He does things to turn you on and drive you crazy that no one else could probably do just as well, right?

Well what if giving up control of yourself was what drove you crazy? If having someone tell you what to do and when to cum was what turned you on, would you not pursue such a pleasure?

If hitting your g spot over and over again is what gets you off, well then having someone strike my ass, back and thighs is what gets me off. I love the stinging burn it causes and the mix of sensations, it thrills me to my core.

It actually takes a great deal of inner strength to be a submissive, as for being treated badly by a selfish Master - yes that can and does happen more often than not. But I use my first Master for this example. Callum.

Callum ended up being what I now refer to as a psychological sadist, he enjoyed building me up to tear me down after we parted. I had to cut myself off from him to stop allowing it and that took a lot of strength because I was and still am madly in love with him. But, at the time we were together, he was everything to me. He was my reason to keep breathing, my reason to stop drinking my life away and he did not treat me badly while we were together, if anything he gave me everything i wanted. I wanted to worship him, I wanted to kneel at his feet - that's how I chose to show him my love.

I was by no means a doormat, I could get angry with him but he had an uncanny ability for calming me down and to have someone who can take your anger, tears and fears away is a great thing. I even enjoyed my punishments, I loved them because it showed me that he cared enough to correct my behaviour. Otherwise I was just out of control, without him telling me not to do this and how to do that...I would be dead. Plain and simple, I was alone and I was drinking around the clock. He stopped me doing that, stopped me from harming myself. No boyfriend could have accomplished that because I simply wouldn't have listened.

My needs seem secondary to my Master's? They're not. By catering to His needs, I am catering to my need to please him. Some would call me a people pleaser, I call it my submissive side. It doesn't change me in the slightest, I am still outrageous and loud, you'll never see me back down from a fight or stop having a good time, I am not passive. I am not a doormat. I found the balance I needed, I'm a submissive masochist and I wouldn't change it for the world

 

[Alana_]

For some, the rare few, it is a life choice and the preferred way of life. To each in the relationship it fulfills the basic, primary needs and allows definition of the relationship to a level of detail most "normal" relationships rarely achieve.

I'm not sure I like that definition..Granted you said 'most', but I still read it as saying that most normal relationships are lacking in definition, because the couple aren't into the sub/dom roles. That only subs and doms can raise to a level that 'normal' relationships can't.

 

[HyddenDesires]

I'm not sure I like that definition..Granted you said 'most', but I still read it as saying that most normal relationships are lacking in definition, because the couple aren't into the sub/dom roles. That only subs and doms can raise to a level that 'normal' relationships can't.

No, the problem, in my humble, uneducated opinion, is in trying to define. Often the D/s relationship also crosses into other styles of life, the b&d or s&m, for example, where physical and emotional contact heightens and "rules" are by necessity created to direct the occurences.

Most relationships, lasting ones, at least, have good definition and communication in them, and by simply classing a relationship as D/s does not means itt's not normal to those within it.

 

[Alana_]

Hi Minxi, and thank you for the beautiful reply.

Im as always stuck for time, but I'll try to do justice without putting my foot into it.

For me, yes, my husband is a wonderful lover..He's my only lover, having met him at 17, and now together for 26 years in total. I'd literally give my two arms for him, and he for me..We fight like lunatics, and make up beautifully.. He's my best friend, my lover and my partner.

In bed, even now, he can still bring me to tears, he's so loving..Being loving doesn't make him a sub..he also when the mood is right be a delightful aggressive partner. I too love being smacked the mood is right..I also love to be choked but only again when the mood commands it. I'm also very gentle, and can also be the one to push our boundaries..It does not make me a sub, or a dom..I don't see it that way..I see us as a healthy couple, with plenty of fun in the bedroom, and our lives outside it mirror it. I take care of the house and our kids, he's the bread winner financially...It does not make him the dominant male in the house, nor me the more subservient one because I chose to be home with the kids.. He earns, i spend it..and he knows not to question me on how the money is handled..as he trusts me..And I him..I dont see this as a sub/dom relationship, and I've no inkling to have my life defined as part of it either..I just see a happy ( thank God) couple, who have roles in the family, in their intimate lives , that change according to the needs..Sometimes I'm needed to lead, more than he is..and other times he's the lead, and I follow. I call it being a husband and wife. It's what couples do.

So Minxi when I see your reply, excluding the Callum part ( he's one of the ones I want to take a bat to) , I just see you as a lovely person, who's gentle and loving to those she cares about, and isn't afraid to stand up for herself. I would never call you a sub based on most of your above post..
I guess I have this awful sterio type thing in my head..I see the Dom as the male on a power trip looming over her being selfish, and the woman weak and simpering, and not at all all how I'd want a man to see me. I think maybe I'm old fashioned..Just because I can read you saying how you like to gain your own happiness in making sure he's happy, I don't see that as being a sub..I see that as being loving..And I'd be the same.

I'm rambling now, and Im losing my train of thought, so forgive me. But thank you for the lovely reply, and I'll reread it later when I've more time, adn try again.

Thank you minxi.

 

[Leopald]

I guess I have this awful sterio type thing in my head..I see the Dom as the male on a power trip looming over her being selfish, and the woman weak and simpering, and not at all all how I'd want a man to see me. I think maybe I'm old fashioned..Just because I can read you saying how you like to gain your own happiness in making sure he's happy, I don't see that as being a sub..I see that as being loving..And I'd be the same.

There are different degrees any D/s relationship, just as there are with any other type of relationship in existence. Sure, there are those that go about the entire process in ways that we would deem as incorrect, but again, the same can be viewed of any relationship. Being Dominant or submissive doesn't dictate one being a loving partner, any more than it dictates how they put their pants on in the morning.

At the end of the day, they are fulfilling deep emotional, physical, and psychological needs of one another (at least in a healthy growing relationship). Some say the sub is what truly drives the relationship, some say its the Dom/me. But in reality, its just as much a partnership as a vanilla experience, its just demonstrated in different ways.

It does take a lot of strength to be a sub, and not a doormat, and it takes an equal amount of strength to be a Dom/me that can love and respect their sub, while still being what their sub needs. Unfortunately, it is often the small minority that scream the loudest, whose childish antics and destructive behavior are easiest to see. The ones who are truly committed to one another's happiness and needs always float along quietly, and nobody notices.

Another thing to remember is that there are 5 basic ways we as human beings show and perceive love. Some feel loved when their SO restrains them and uses them for pleasure, some show love by simple acts of service, the list goes on and on. Different strokes for different folks, what works for one couple won't work for every. Thus, in all reality, the conversation in its entirety is moot, and I just wasted 5 minutes formulating this response.

But seriously, who doesn't want to tie a girl up and have really hot rough sex?

 

[fuckmeat]

1. Why are you in a D/S relationship?

Because it's now as central to my sexual identity as my bisexuality is. I'm a masochist now to such a degree that I don't really enjoy sex that lacks painplay. Having an online Master has benefitted me in the ways Leo has already detailed. We talk a lot on IM and that means a lot because apart from my RL partner, there's nobody else I can discuss this side of myself with, the racing heart and melting loins of the real me. I can also chat about my day without being judged at all. I can describe tasks I have performed without seeming like a doormat and I can talk about G and I's dynamic the way it is, rather than editing it in order to present a vanilla persona to vanilla people. I wasn't even looking for an online Master when I became acquainted with Leo but it has proven to be a really good experience... so far anyway. In addition, I have a beautiful sister sub who I have discovered has already faced down the health problems that my RL partner is currently battling so we've really connected emotionally. Polyamory is just winwinwinwinwin.

Ours isn't the kind of thing where I perform tasks for him or cam my ass across the Atlantic or whatever. Ours is more a meeting of minds with a bit of nasty cyber thrown in. It's fluid and fairly laid back because all three of us have our own lives and timezones. It works.

2a. The follow up question goes - If a D/S relationship is just like any other relationship with a significant other, then why bother titling one as dom and the other sub? Does a relationship through Lit necessitate such things? (If it is not like any other relationship please explain how so)

Short answer? Power exchange.

Long answer: It's not like 'normal' relationships (sometimes called 'vanilla' or 'nilla' in BDSM communities) because I defer to a dominant partner in a way that most nilla people simply don't. I seek to serve where as they seek to control. I need pain whereas they need to inflict it. I crave humiliation and they crave corrupting and debasing another. With nilla people, they are usually smiliar people who both want pretty much the same things. D/s couples are a case of opposites attracting in a quite spectacular fashion. D/s also focuses more on ownership or one person controlling how exclusive another might be. The sense of possession and of being possessed in a D/s dynamic is something very different to that of a marriage contract based on the absolute equality of both parties.

It's basically all part of the fun. Of course here on lit, none of it is real. It's just as unreal as all the nilla fun going on though. How D/s RP is somehow more fraudulent than vanilla RP I really don't get.

2b. I understand that a lot of people show up on Lit to express, and experiment with the things they would never experiment with in RL. I am one of them. However is there a reason why the D/S relationship is not limited to the thread but also to the overall interaction within the Lounges? Is there a difference between playing the role of a sub by experimenting with it in a story and playing the role within the lounge?

Yes.

Playing in the lounge allows for more spontaneity and shorter, gratuitous scenes that don't require a load of plotwork, scene-setting and build up. It also allows people to be more like themselves, or how they would like to be in RL, rather than playing a totally fictional character... if that makes sense. It also implies a connection that goes deeper than the posts seen on the forum, whether that be through pm, im or even meeting face to face.

3. Drama. Obviously the frivolous-ness from my first example before was not as frivolous as it seemed. Evidence given by the amount of drama I'm sure plenty of people have seen or dealt with in their time on Literotica. This title given upon a fictional meeting place by itself sparks issues when new comers or even old timers transgress the line of a master and pet's connection. Where is this line drawn? To what etiquette is followed?

Basically, like any relationship, it's up to the individuals concerned. You can hope people will always be adult and reasonable but it doesn't always happen.

4. What about people who already have a significant other in RL? People who have more than one Master or Mistress?

I have a Mistress in RL but she's chronically ill. I serve her diligently but she is not able or inclined to enjoy much in the way of sexual intimacy. I came here reading stories and then to write stories but I've also found friendship and a different kind of intimacy. It's great to be able to serve someone else that way, even if only through online play. My Mistress is fully aware of what I do. She knows the password I use for everything online and she could go through every post, pm and IM conversation if she chose to. She doesn't because we trust each other.

I think it's perfectly possible to love and serve more than one person at a time. You just have to be realistic about how you divide your time and loyalty. So long as everybody knows where they stand with each other, there should be no need for jealousy or drama.

 

[Alana_]

There are different degrees any D/s relationship, just as there are with any other type of relationship in existence. Sure, there are those that go about the entire process in ways that we would deem as incorrect, but again, the same can be viewed of any relationship. Being Dominant or submissive doesn't dictate one being a loving partner, any more than it dictates how they put their pants on in the morning.

At the end of the day, they are fulfilling deep emotional, physical, and psychological needs of one another (at least in a healthy growing relationship). Some say the sub is what truly drives the relationship, some say its the Dom/me. But in reality, its just as much a partnership as a vanilla experience, its just demonstrated in different ways.

It does take a lot of strength to be a sub, and not a doormat, and it takes an equal amount of strength to be a Dom/me that can love and respect their sub, while still being what their sub needs. Unfortunately, it is often the small minority that scream the loudest, whose childish antics and destructive behavior are easiest to see. The ones who are truly committed to one another's happiness and needs always float along quietly, and nobody notices.

Another thing to remember is that there are 5 basic ways we as human beings show and perceive love. Some feel loved when their SO restrains them and uses them for pleasure, some show love by simple acts of service, the list goes on and on. Different strokes for different folks, what works for one couple won't work for every. Thus, in all reality, the conversation in its entirety is moot, and I just wasted 5 minutes formulating this response.

But seriously, who doesn't want to tie a girl up and have really hot rough sex?

Leopald, thanks for taking those UNwasted 5 minutes to reply..I appreciate youre view on my reply. Thank you very much. They were minutes well spent.

I guess it'll be something I never fully understand no matter how I try. But it is something that really intrigues me, and I just have to keep reading about when I see a lounge thread on it.

Does it matter that at times I like to be tied up and that hot rough sex is a regular thing?..I just call it having a kinky night when the kids are on sleep overs ...and of course sometimes, its me doing the tying. So who knows.

Thanks for the patience to those that directed their replies to me, and your polite understanding.

Oh and VT..splendid thread..It's I think the first after my own OOC that I've subscribed to in the Lounge, and rated. Well done, terrific source of learning and sharing views.

 

[chronicle_tenko]

Missing Dynamics.

Alright partially for VT's benefit, and partially for Alana's. I'm going to underline something that so far has been hinted at by Minx only once. But no one has managed to say. And that's kind of wrong.

The Acronym is BDSM.
Bondage. <STOP>
Domination. <STOP>
Sado-Masochism. <STOP>

These things. (Watch out I'm about to really put my foot in something and a lot of people are going to get splattered.) Are separate, and do not belong together. They are all different Kinks, that while blending together nicely, do not need to go together. I'll say this one more time, they are all separate kinks. Separate play, and not required at all to go hand in hand. However they really do go hand in hand quite well.

I'll identify my experience. My first long term relationship was with a mistress. She made me call her such she ran my life. She was a psych student and business major. I was a high school student. She was 9 years older. She knew everything I was going through and seemed to know me better than I knew myself. It was the happiest I have ever been.

It was. BAR NONE. The worst and most unhealthy relationship I have ever been a part of. This woman, fucked up my concept of sexuality for 6 years, after she left me. The six years I was part of the BDSM community. I am not a Sado-Masochist. I very much dislike humiliation, and for a woman to physically beat me, or engage in impact play? Is laughable. It's laughable for most Men, to attempt to hurt me physically. (And I do apologize, I believe entirely in the equality of the gender, but as a race, We as men, are bigger and stronger, on average than you as women.) I have never wanted, to be hurt, or humiliated, or felt like I was worthless.

What I craved and still crave to this day, is to know that I pleased her, that I did a good job, that she appreciated what I do. That sounds really vanilla. And I desired to be corrected if I did it wrong. That isn't. Now occasionally we dabbled in other things. And I went to clubs, and munches once I was old enough. I took part in Shibari classes, I was even the model. I've had a gamut of experiences from Bondage to Waxplay, and most in between. I'm eclectic and like to learn.

Do I like Bondage. It's alright, the captivity of your partner, is arousing. They have to trust you more, and Sex is already a big trust. And control of who gets tied up goes both ways.

Do I like Domination. I switch now, and am no longer part of the lifestyle. I can write it, and I've been told I do a decent job from both ends. Psychology, and Sociology background helps a bunch. I do however want to make people happy. More than anything I want to make my partner happy. So there's still a sub in me somewhere.

Do I like Sado-Masochism. Nope. Kick-boxed as an amateur, joined the military after. Spent HUNDREDS of grueling hours taking blows, and learning to work in pain. Was not popular in school, and spent hundreds of hours more in fights or being verbally abused. I cannot count the number of Bullies I have hospitalized, on both of my scarred and calloused hands. For the life of me I cannot fathom why ANYONE. EVER. Would wish to be treated like garbage, debased, humiliated, and hurt.

That doesn't mean it's wrong. With consent, and the Maso's willingness, it's just merely how those people get off. It sickens me to my core. But it isn't wrong, it doesn't deserve to be demonized. I'll even join in, sometimes; if asked, and it is what that person requires to get off. It's a prop, no more than calling my girlfriend a slut, when we have sex.

I realize this doesn't answer the questions VT put down, nor does it answer a lot of other ones. But these are important distinctions, that a lot of people forget. Alana I hope this clears a little up about the interactions of people. And if you want to talk to someone about the domination kink and how these relationships can work, then I would love to answer any questions you have.

If I have offended anyone. I'm not sorry I did, I'm just sorry you feel offended and hurt for whatever comment I made. However all sympathy is gone after that point. Grow the fuck up, I'm as entitled to my opinion as yours.

 

[monique_minx]

*Big fat god awful hugs to Chronie*

Thank you darling, I can't believe I didn't go further into that myself but I think I was long winded enough

And you are more than entitled to your opinion...I'll take you up on the fuck option later - having done the growing up obviously

I think it is just a matter of preference Alana, you mentioned sometimes you tie your hubby up or he does it to you and that's not dominance based - correct. But it is bondage and as Chronie just pointed out, not all are for everyone but they do indeed go hand in hand very well.

To be honest, not a whole lot of 'normal' (whatever that is) things seem to interest me but I don't go spinning off the tail end of weird to be cool either. I've been dealing with my submissive journey for going on five years now and for me it has been a very hard road of acceptance; it's really difficult to understand when you deviate from the norm and especially in my young adult years.

I have had a lot of trouble watching my friends in their relationships because I thought for a long time; I should have that. I should like that and I should be happy with that - even though I tried it, I hated it, I hated what it turned me into and I was not happy for one second the entire time.

So for me this has been a very long road of discovery, trying to determine why I am who I am...would take a bare minimum 20 years of continuous therapy and no one has that kind of time! lol! But to shortcut it, I guess I would say it was like going through puberty two or three more times, discovering sexuality at the same time as trying to figure out why a particularly violent sex scene in a movie got me hot is no easy task for a 16 year old! - thank god for the internet.

I don't think most people consider anything beyond the surface level of any relationship, it's like being on the outside looking in - you will never see everything no matter which side of the glass you stand on.

 

[Alana_]

Alright partially for VT's benefit, and partially for Alana's. I'm going to underline something that so far has been hinted at by Minx only once. But no one has managed to say. And that's kind of wrong.

The Acronym is BDSM.
Bondage. <STOP>
Domination. <STOP>
Sado-Masochism. <STOP>

These things. (Watch out I'm about to really put my foot in something and a lot of people are going to get splattered.) Are separate, and do not belong together. .......................................

CT, thank you! Youre answer is amazing, and I love that you went to that time. Thank you very much!

The piece I kept in my above quote is actually really helpful to me. In seeing it defined clearly, the quote( I was aware what the term stood for) has actually shed some clarity on the subject for me, I guess because it's so fresh in my mind.

Thank you for the offer to answer my questions if I have any,..That's really cool of you, I appreciate that. While I'm sure I do have some questions, they'd probably be more spontaneous and triggered by someones comment. But if one does come up, I will definitely ask you for you view.

Right now, as always, it's the subs place in a relationship that troubles me..And troubles is the right word for me to use..Because I can't understand where the love is, or the joy, or the pride in a relationship or indeed in oneself is.

It goes back to my being perhaps a little older than some of you, and maybe, or obviously that I'm a bit old fashioned in my expectations in a relationship. I'm not so naive to look for the roses and picket fences in my life, but I do know what I want, and what I want is to feel respected and loved..I just can't see respect in a Dom/Sub relationship. I'm terribly sorry. I keep trying, but it's not happening..
I give my love in abundance to my husband, and I've never had a moment where I looked at our life and felt there was something lacking.

Yes I'm vanilla in so far as i don't like 'B'ondage except for the occasional use of cuffs or ties.

I like to be 'D'ominated in bed, but not in the 'crawl to me Pet' sense of the word. That's when the knee would come up hard from me. I like my man being the man in the couple with we're intimate, yes, but it's something that can spoil the mood if it goes too far for me. He knows where to stop, and how far to push..And I too like to dominate him when the moment is right...But I bet my idea of dominating is far different than what the 'D' in BDSM stands for.

The 'S.M' how ever terrifies the living day lights out of me, plain and simple..I think that's just pure degradation..Its where I have most of my fears I think..The sub, be it man or woman , in my mind is just mistreated. I can't see how anyone can find that attractive to look at, or experience. When I read some of the scenes, and my experience is pretty limited to what I read in forums like Lit I admit, I just feel I've witnessed an abuse. I can't shake that feeling, I'm sorry..Well I'm not sorry, it's how I feel.
Oh, and I find reading about it is the better education than watching some piece of porn that's designed for that market.

I hope also, I've not hurt anyones feelings, if so it wasn't my intent. It's something when depending on the written word is easy do, when there's no tone...but Im absolutely fascinated by the topic, even if I can't fathom the why's in it.

Thank you CT for your reply, and the huge smile I got in the last line..Now that's the dom in me, ....but then I'd say sorry afterwards.

 

[Last_Rider]

Firstly thank you CT, you're a very literate and well thought out person, and you've shed light on many things.

I might be able to help Alana, or I might just make things worse, but I'm going to give it a shot. Disclaimer: if this only further clouds the issue feel free to disregard any and everything said by me.

If I didn't feel loved or respected I absolutely wouldn't be in a relationship. Without those two things it wont succeed, and I have enough failure in my life without adding to it. One of the reasons this aspect might be harder to see is that people focus more on a scene than on how people interact on a regular basis. For the purposes of clarity, a scene will be defined for the purposes of this answer to be play that is sexual in nature. For example, being bound and teased is a scene. The scene's are, generally, the more interesting parts and hence get most of the time in stories or threads. This makes it difficult to understand that a scene is simply that, one part of a whole.

I refer to my Mistress as such for different reasons depending on what's going on. In a scene, it is her title and using it is simply a sign of respect. Outside of a scene, I chose to call her that because it feels right, and outside of a scene I personally view it more as an endearment than anything else. Others may disagree on that point, but I'm only discussing myself here. Similarly, she calls me Pet all the time. In a scene it's a title, something to play into whatever we're doing, outside of a scene it's an endearment.

In something that maybe should have been said before, let me state a bit of the obvious (yay, something I can do!) this isn't for everyone. Not everyone will like things on the kinky side, just as not everyone will like things on the vanilla side. I don't personally get humiliation, I have no idea why someone would be drawn to a situation where they would be degraded or humiliated, but others might not understand the appeal of marriage. In the end it's a very subjective thing, and no two people are identical.

Again, feel free to ignore any and all of this if it serves only to confuse or befuddle. I have absolutely ZERO real life experience with this, or any form of sexual contact and am happy to defer to people who know the subject better than I.

 

[monique_minx]

Actually Alana, you probably hit on the one thing I'd be hard pressed to describe or explain but I do have one way of doing it.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=676841

That thread is currently in progress between Marauder13 and myself. We've actually hit deep when it comes to me, most of the thought processes of Tameka are my own as best as I can describe them. Hopefully it won't scare you too much but I'd encourage you to look at how Tameka thinks and feels about things, it might help shed some light on the why's and the respect from both sides.

Right now she is struggling to accept herself as she is and Nicholas is trying to guide her through it because he loves her. Throughout I have described her life and how she was unhappy, many of the online submissives have told me they can relate and understand it some of the best compliments I have gotten was being told that I've somehow inadvertantly helped them.

I hope it will show you that while a Dominant mightn't always show their respect and love, they do feel it and the submissive does in return. In my own experience with D/s relationships, the love and respect is shown in different ways. (Quite welcome to take a bat to Callum btw, I'd love to...but I'm not that strong yet).

It should also show you that submissives can be spirited, emotional and clever with their Dominants - Tameka isn't doing it in all the right ways just yet but she's transitioning and accepting. I got to get more inside her head than I ever expected to actually and I've been given wonderful opportunities to do so! It has even helped me understand a few things about myself and straighten out my thoughts I hope it helps! If not, well self advertising is good too I'm an attention whore!

EDIT: Wonderful explanation Rider! Personally I think you boys are such nervous nellies, honestly! I don't think anyone is going to mind your input, my thoughts on it are - if you don't like it, don't read it!

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

On-line D/s? My thoughts.

First: I do not engage in online D/s relationships. They do nothing for me. I can play with submissive people but I can not connect at the level without feeling willing flesh beneath my hands.

I am a Semi-Sadistic, Daddy Domme (with an awful need for pain play as the receiver that I hardly ever indulge in.) I care about those I take under my wing whether or not it is reality based. This means that I can not see a submissive male or female being abused without wanting to step in and take care of them. It is harder to do that on a porn board, as it is all in the head (unless the D/s dynamic is working in real life as well.)

Being a self admitted Sadist is hard to fit with my own need to Daddy my s/o. I am a caregiver. It is the basis of everything I have, everything I do. When I do not have someone to take care of, I become lost, morose, saddened, less strong. I need a submissive to feel complete. Playing on line takes the edge off but not enough for me to ever consider only on line play.

For me, if I bring my girl here (to LIT) or if I have met an important partner here (Like my baby mama Trinique Fire) they become a part of everything I do. My first thought is their comfort, my last thought~their well being. I can be no other way.
It doesn't become REAL to me until I hear a voice, see the marks, feel their flesh. Until then it's mutual masturbation and not real enough for me to make an on line claim.

I hope this helps.

 

[Trixabell]

Right now, as always, it's the subs place in a relationship that troubles me..And troubles is the right word for me to use..Because I can't understand where the love is, or the joy, or the pride in a relationship or indeed in oneself is.

This sums it up well and is taken from a 23 page blog entry on the lifestyle:
When she gives herself to you completely, she is also giving you the freedom to explore the depths of her sexuality and passion, to take her places she cannot go herself, to have experiences she probably cannot ask for. She is depending on you, her Master, to give her the push to get beyond any resistance you may encounter.

Getting past resistance is where your strength and understanding as a Dom is essential. If you back off instead of encouraging her onward (by spank or by praise) she will not be able to explore the depths of herself. She needs your unconditional love and support to feel safe to go where she cannot go alone. As you sexually open her body to you, you are also opening her heart and soul.

The 'S.M' how ever terrifies the living day lights out of me, plain and simple..I think that's just pure degradation..Its where I have most of my fears I think..The sub, be it man or woman , in my mind is just mistreated. I can't see how anyone can find that attractive to look at, or experience. When I read some of the scenes, and my experience is pretty limited to what I read in forums like Lit I admit, I just feel I've witnessed an abuse. I can't shake that feeling, I'm sorry..Well I'm not sorry, it's how I feel.

While some subs enjoy pain just for the sake of pain I think it is fairly safe to say that the point of pain for the majority is to increase intensity of the orgasm. If you have a very skilled Dom they have they ability to take the sub on a long journey of sensations that start light and gradually intensifies all the while mixing pain and pleasure. If done correctly the pain and pleasure pathways in the brain become confused and all sensations (including painful ones) will be interpreted as pleasure. It is the most intense sexual experience I think most human can have.

Hope that helps - just my take on it.