D/S energy, or lack thereof

[hooterbif]

I have been "D" with my girl (sub?) probably a hundred times in bed. For the most part, there is a serious lack of energy exchange. I would kind of describe it as mutual masturbation with some toys and some orgasms now and then, but that is not at all the same as D/S and it doesn't satisfy me. I have talked about this with her, and she has had suggestions, like

Oh, it helps if you have a very "warm" demeanor with me beforehand.
You need a lot of "buildup."
You have to make me know that you "own" me.
You should choke me.
Put a finger in my asshole and suck my clit. Then slap my face and choke me.
Tie me up and suspend me.
Pull my hair.

(The list goes on. It is not as if she demands these things or that she lists them all at once.)

I have come more to the opinion that this just isn't working. There are times when I am sorting through my mind trying to decide which trick to do next. That clearly ruins the dynamic. Then, there are other times when I guide it more organically, but then that doesn't produce anything. I know that she is capable of entering a profound state of subspace within minutes (just not with me).

We are talking about the possibility of having her sub with someone else and for me to find another sub, but she says she does not want that.

Anyone ever grapple with this a seemingly persistent "mismatch" in her needs and your behaviors?

(I kind of think that she does not really respect me as a dom)

 

[cookiecat]

I recall you writing about this before. Everyone has mismatched days but.... based solely on what you write here and what I've read before, you aren't on the same wave length at all. From what you write, she is never satisfied with whatever it is you're doing.

No answers for you... only you can figure that part out. But the whole D/s thing doesn't seem to be for the two of you.

 

[hooterbif]

From what you write, she is never satisfied with whatever it is you're doing.

(Thanks for commenting now and before.)

Just to be clear, she isn't complaining that she is not satisfied. When I press her about it, then she gives suggestions.

I am interested in hearing if others have gone through this, what solutions they found, and how long it took.

 

[CutieMouse]

I would kind of describe it as mutual masturbation with some toys and some orgasms now and then, but that is not at all the same as D/S and it doesn't satisfy me.

What do you feel it would take to make your current relationship "the same as D/s" and "satisfying"?

 

[hooterbif]

What do you feel it would take to make your current relationship "the same as D/s" and "satisfying"?

Actually, it seems kind of simple. I want her to completely lose control. How hard can that be, right?

Let me describe it from a purely sensory perspective. When she masturbates, she does one thing, then another thing, then another thing, and then she cums. It is sort of methodical, mechanical, and hits the spot. She probably loses control for about 5 seconds, during the time surrounding the orgasm. Nothing wrong with it at all, kind of like brushing your teeth.

Our sex is sort of the same way, although it would seem much more exciting if I actually described the acts that are happening, instead of saying "then another thing." Again, great sex, but very little energy exchange.

I have asked her about it, and she has said so many things that it is hard to decipher what is the truth. One of her favorite theories is that I am not warm enough in our relationship outside of bed and that carries over into some resentment in bed. Fair enough, but I would not expect that to repeat thousands of times over several years.

Anyway, I was interested in hearing from anyone else who worked on this kind of issue. I think that some people on here simply have a BDSM partner on the side.

 

[cascadiabound]

Actually, it seems kind of simple. I want her to completely lose control. How hard can that be, right?

Wow. As I read this... "how hard can that be?" my gut response is - well, it can be pretty damn difficult.

Yes the mechanics of sex can be pretty straight forward, but to as you say "completely lose control" requires a rather deep level of trust. Something that requires a whole host of dynamics that depends on so many things that can only be worked out in a particular dyad.

It requires communication - that is honest and true. That is not clouded with worry, anxiety and misunderstandings.

It requires a faith that whatever happens when intimate, that both parties will be "safe" - physically, emotionally. At least for me, I am unable to "completely lose control" unless I am sure, in a deep place in my soul, that I can trust my partner to take care of me when I am completely vulnerable in that sub space as my body becomes not quite my own, as my brain gets clouded and I lose the ability to reason... well this requires more than simple mechanics.

If I feel the least bit resentful outside the bedroom, I am pretty much never going to be able to "lose control" ~ Forget it.

I don't know if that helps. But... well. I don't even know whether to wish you luck. But I think you are gonna need it.

cb

 

[cookiecat]

Well.... you're here, six months later with a similar concern as before:

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=78494620&postcount=1

and again...

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1340656

My point is, without knowing her side of the story, only yours, I sense you're spinning your wheels.

I appreciate you're still trying to find that sweet spot and perhaps looking at the issue with a new perspective?

You mentioned before she's lost control with another woman. So you know it happens. Just not with you. You've mentioned you love her so focus on that. That's my best suggestion.

Best of luck.

 

[midwestyankee]

[SNIP]

(I kind of think that she does not really respect me as a dom)

I kind of think you already know the cause - and therefore the solution - to your problem. You aren't the jelly to her peanut butter, the pepper to her salt, or the cream to her coffee it seems. If, as you say, she has achieved the state of abandon with someone else that she will not enter with you, you aren't going to be able to buy a ticket to that ballgame. More bluntly put: you're not THE ONE, pal. Best to cut your losses and hit the road.

 

[Farawyn]

I kind of think you already know the cause - and therefore the solution - to your problem. You aren't the jelly to her peanut butter, the pepper to her salt, or the cream to her coffee it seems. If, as you say, she has achieved the state of abandon with someone else that she will not enter with you, you aren't going to be able to buy a ticket to that ballgame. More bluntly put: you're not THE ONE, pal. Best to cut your losses and hit the road.

Yes. This.

 

[CutieMouse]

What do you feel it would take to make your current relationship "the same as D/s" and "satisfying"?

Actually, it seems kind of simple. I want her to completely lose control. How hard can that be, right?

With the right person(and the right chemistry)?

Easy as pie.

Let me describe it from a purely sensory perspective. When she masturbates, she does one thing, then another thing, then another thing, and then she cums. It is sort of methodical, mechanical, and hits the spot. She probably loses control for about 5 seconds, during the time surrounding the orgasm. Nothing wrong with it at all, kind of like brushing your teeth.

And? Just because you're watching a "methodical, mechanical process" doesn't make it "mechanical or methodical" to her. For all you know she's going through the [physical] motions and having the best fuck of her life [in her head].

Our sex is sort of the same way, although it would seem much more exciting if I actually described the acts that are happening, instead of saying "then another thing." Again, great sex, but very little energy exchange.

I have asked her about it, and she has said so many things that it is hard to decipher what is the truth. One of her favorite theories is that I am not warm enough in our relationship outside of bed and that carries over into some resentment in bed. Fair enough, but I would not expect that to repeat thousands of times over several years.

Anyway, I was interested in hearing from anyone else who worked on this kind of issue. I think that some people on here simply have a BDSM partner on the side.

She's not that into you and/or the sexual chemistry isn't there [for either of you]. You've posted snippets of an unsatisying, contentious and (IMO) disrespectful sex life several times over a 6 month period. Accept that this is as good as it gets or decide you want sometjing (someone) else.

 

[richard_daily]

Actually, it seems kind of simple. I want her to completely lose control. How hard can that be, right?

Let me describe it from a purely sensory perspective. When she masturbates, she does one thing, then another thing, then another thing, and then she cums. It is sort of methodical, mechanical, and hits the spot. She probably loses control for about 5 seconds, during the time surrounding the orgasm. Nothing wrong with it at all, kind of like brushing your teeth.

Our sex is sort of the same way, although it would seem much more exciting if I actually described the acts that are happening, instead of saying "then another thing." Again, great sex, but very little energy exchange.

I have asked her about it, and she has said so many things that it is hard to decipher what is the truth. One of her favorite theories is that I am not warm enough in our relationship outside of bed and that carries over into some resentment in bed. Fair enough, but I would not expect that to repeat thousands of times over several years.

Anyway, I was interested in hearing from anyone else who worked on this kind of issue. I think that some people on here simply have a BDSM partner on the side.

Some people can't physiologically "lose control" in the way that you want, or at least in the way that I'm interpreting what you're saying you want. The things that you describe as "mechanical" may be the only way that she can get off, and while that might be boring for you, there are certainly ways that you can engage differently and better to create a more fulfilling dynamic.

 

[Monica_112]

You don't sound like you enjoy dominating so why are you doing it?