Cybersex acceptance

[Matt Twattingle]

Watching O'Reilly tonight. Some gal has a poll that 72% OF people surveyed say that cybersex outside of your primary relationsip is not cheating.

Perhaps we are evolving to an accepted way of adding variety to our sex lives without blowing up our primary relationships.

Could cybersex innoculate relationships from actual infidelity?

 

[Guest]

When I got together with my current boyfriend (have been together for almost a full year now - yay!) he made me promise that I would no longer engage in cyber sex. He said that he couldn't be with me if I cheated on him 'mentally' every night and I agree. Sex is something that I exclusively want to share with my one and only lover... and if I were fantasizing about/with another guy... that would be cheating, in my simple opinion.

 

[Matt Twattingle]

for most people

I did not have "new" couples in mind. I think you will find it applies to people who have been with the same person 3 or more years.


If you have had relationship that have fizzeld then you can appreciate what I am suggesting. If you have not then this clearly would not apply to you.

 

[Jenny _S]

hey...

I have a couple of comments here. First, Cybersex is the safe sex of the the 21st century. No more pills, condoms or any of that. Just sex without any worry about pregnancy or STD.

But the second thing I see is it is SEX plane and simple. So if you feel committed (I know... the "C" word) enough to be with someone special and have sex with just that one person then it follows that Cybersex with someone else is cheating.

Finally, Cybersex can hurt that special person. You need to concider how that person sees it before you jump in and run the risk of getting caught with your pants down.

Just my thoughts.

 

[Matt Twattingle]

you may be right

but according to the poll cited you are in a substantial minority.

 

[sheath]

Re: you may be right

but according to the poll cited you are in a substantial minority.

Maybe so...but with the divorce rates higher than ever, you might wonder exactly who they are polling.

As a woman who has been cheated on by a man who went to the internet to get his kicks, I can tell you that cybersex definitely was cheating. The women on the internet took his time and his attention away from the person who should have had it...me. He came to enjoy the freedom of having sex without worry, and that was something that he couldn't apply to a real-life relationship. He also loved the idea of fucking with other men's wives, and in the cyberworld, he never ran the chance of facing the wrath of the jealous husband.

Cybersex is absolutely, completely off-limits for me and my man. As a side note...according to my lawyer (from the state of TN), internet affairs of ANY kind a permissible grounds for divorce. And more than one of my friends has divorced a spouse on those grounds. I think that makes it a pretty substantial threat to a relationship, don't you?

S.

 

[Guest]

Not hostile... just opinionated, lol

I did not have "new" couples in mind. I think you will find it applies to people who have been with the same person 3 or more years.
If you have had relationship that have fizzeld then you can appreciate what I am suggesting. If you have not then this clearly would not apply to you.

I don't think that how long you're with someone has anything to do with anything. If you are (as Jenny_S said) committed to someone then any form of sex with someone else (in my opinion) would be cheating. Simple as that. When you have cyber sex you are devoting time and sexual energy to someone... just because it isn't physical contact doesn't make it any less damaging to a relationship. If I were on my computer having cyber sex with Milo when I could be with my boyfriend and devoting time to our relationship... see my point? You shouldn't have to go outside your current relationship when you have problems or feel that things are 'fizzling'. That's when you try to work things out and bring back the spark with your partner. And I have had relationships that 'fizzled'... just for the record. And I still don't appreciate what you are suggesting.

Furthermore, I don't think that people with this thought process really are a minority. The minority would be the amount of people polled to get those results.

 

[James G 5]

Sheath, most states have no-fault laws now & you can get divorced for pretty much any, or no, reason

Yeah, it's taking time & energy away from your SO

But if that's cheating, there're a lot of golfers who fit the definition

There's also often good reasons people (male or female) seek such attention outside, and most who're unhappy about them doing so might be better served to look at themselves and the relationship to see WHY

And in many cases it comes down to the simple unrealistic expectation of monogmy
it's not natural and for most people it does NOT work *shrug*

IMHO, of course

 

[Mistangelique]

Yeah, it's taking time & energy away from your SO

I think that's the major part of this issue. PLain and simple.

There's also often good reasons people (male or female) seek such attention outside, and most who're unhappy about them doing so might be better served to look at themselves and the relationship to see WHY

And in many cases it comes down to the simple unrealistic expectation of monogmy
it's not natural and for most people it does NOT work *shrug*

IMHO, of course [/B]

A good reason? Unhappiness? Why would that change the wrog-ness of cybersex? It seems to me that if you've got issues in your relationship that make you unhappy, you should focus more time and energy on fixing that problem or getting out of that relationship, not getting hot and heavy with someone else. The same could be said for people who cheat in the flesh, could it not? "There was something wrong in their relationship. They just weren't happy." Well ok. That's unfortunate. So try and fix it, or end it!

As far as blaming it on the significant other, that's absolutely rediculous. That's like blaming cheating on the victim. Someone can't MAKE you turn to cybersex. You need to stand up for yourself and GET OUT if you don't want to be in that relationship. Communication. What about talking it out?

I can't believe people would just look the other way while their significant other was getting it on with someone else, whether or not there was real live penatration. The thought makes me sick. My man is mine, and mine alone. I think people who get their rocks off with strangers, or even "buddies" online behind the backs of someone they supposedly love and cherish are disgusting.

I do have experience with this, and I have had relationships fizzle. I must agree that's when you work WITH YOUR SIG. OTHER to get that spice back. Making yourself feel better with someone else is going to do nothing but ruin any chance you may have had.

 

[James G 5]

I think that's the major part of this issue. PLain and simple.

A good reason? Unhappiness? Why would that change the wrog-ness of cybersex? It seems to me that if you've got issues in your relationship that make you unhappy, you should focus more time and energy on fixing that problem or getting out of that relationship, not getting hot and heavy with someone else. The same could be said for people who cheat in the flesh, could it not? "There was something wrong in their relationship. They just weren't happy." Well ok. That's unfortunate. So try and fix it, or end it!

I can't believe people would just look the other way while their significant other was getting it on with someone else, whether or not there was real live penatration. The thought makes me sick. My man is mine, and mine alone. I think people who get their rocks off with strangers, or even "buddies" online behind the backs of someone they supposedly love and cherish are disgusting.

I do have experience with this, and I have had relationships fizzle. I must agree that's when you work WITH YOUR SIG. OTHER to get that spice back. Making yourself feel better with someone else is going to do nothing but ruin any chance you may have had.

I said the unhappiness is WHY they DO it, I didn't say it JUSTIFIED it :-D
The idea of ownership, the "mine and mine alone" is sadly unhealthy, IMO
One of the WORST attitudes (love is OWNERSHIP) propgated to support monogamym leading to a lot of jealousy and unhappiness, as well as unrealitic expectations

 

[Mistangelique]

I said the unhappiness is WHY they DO it, I didn't say it JUSTIFIED it :-D
The idea of ownership, the "mine and mine alone" is sadly unhealthy, IMO
One of the WORST attitudes (love is OWNERSHIP) propgated to support monogamym leading to a lot of jealousy and unhappiness, as well as unrealitic expectations

You're right, what I said was poorly phrased. What I was trying to express is simply that there is no way I would accept that the man I was with was having cyber sex. It's definitly cheating in my opinion. I don't mean I own him, but if he's horny, I want him to come to me or take care of himself. Monogamy is the only option for us, at least at this point in our lives. We tried loosening the leashes a bit, but THAT lead to jealousy and unhappiness.

 

[James G 5]

You're right, what I said was poorly phrased. What I was trying to express is simply that there is no way I would accept that the man I was with was having cyber sex. It's definitly cheating in my opinion. I don't mean I own him, but if he's horny, I want him to come to me or take care of himself. Monogamy is the only option for us, at least at this point in our lives. We tried loosening the leashes a bit, but THAT lead to jealousy and unhappiness.

What if you're not in the mood?
Or have a low sex drive?
or are ill?
In THOSE contexts, and with your permission, that might be a way for him to safely satisfy his urges without endangering either of you. The alternative is for him to be unfulfilled & miserable, which would lead tomore problems.
And the comment about "loosening the leashes" reinforces the ownership idea
At some level it seems you DO have issues with that, so of course there is jealousy and unhapiness
Or so it sounds

 

[Mistangelique]

If the other person were to give permission, fine. I know not everyone feels the way I do. The world would be a scarey place if they did! Since my sex drive is pretty "normal" (not to start a debate. It's not really really high, but it's not low either) I'd like to think that if I say no once in a while (In all actuality, I can't remember the last time I said no), my husband would deal with it. That goes both ways. If my husband tells me no, I can accept that, without running to my keyboard for release. Now, if it was something that was happening all the time, that's still something that needs to be discussed within the relationship. Maybe you need to be romanced, or to cut out stress, or whatever the problem may be. I still wouldn't run to my keyboard. I'd seek out a marraige councilor first. If someone is unable to have the energy or desire for sex due to illness, that's an issue they'd have to figure out. Like I said in the beginning, maybe it's ok for some, but the idea revolts me. The people I said make me sick are those who go and do it without prior discussion, which, in my book, is cheating.

As far as "loosening the leashes" I used that figure of speech specifcally because we were discussing issues of ownership. Twas meant to be a pun of sorts.

 

[peachykeen]

Due to the illness of a family member, Mr K and I were physically apart for four months last year. During that time, we had an agreement that cybersex was ok - as long as it stayed on the computer, no phone, and no photos.

Occasionally he needs to travel for a few days at a time. If I am feeling frisky and he is not 'available' for phone sex, I might cyber, again with the same rules.

It never takes our time or attention away from eachother - that would be clearly unacceptable. It's just sort of an occasional indulgence.

 

[Noor]

I think the danger of cybersex, or any other intimate interaction/communication between two people, is the danger of that person becoming more important to you than your SO. That is true of any activity not just cybersex. I have seen close platonic friendships destroy SO relationships.

The sexual aspect really depends on the relationship and the agreements between So's. In some relationships it is fine as long as it remains cyber only, others it is not.

I don't have a SO right now and I am not particularly looking for one, I see some guys in RL and I cyber. I am attached to my cybers on various levels, to me they are individual people and one does not replace another. I take it seriously, if I wanted mindless sex with a stranger, there are plenty nearby. I don't cyber with people I don't like on some level, but maybe I am unusual. I have never done chat room sex, it seems rather dull and uninteresting to me. What I want in cyber is pretty much the same as rl, something individual and unique, and hopefully an experience that will knock my socks off

I think were if I in a SO relationship I would not be bothered about my SO cyberring as long as I was getting enough sex, it was not disrupting our relationship, and I was free to cyber as well. I am not particularly monogamous, it is not something that comes automatically to me, there have been some relationships where I was by nature, where I couldn't think of anyone else but that is not usual for me.

I do take commitments very seriously though, the hard part is getting me to commit.

I think if you have an SO you need to be honest about your activities, what is okay and what is not, but that decision is between the two parties and there is no universal right or wrong.

It has been a long strange week for me in the cyber world, and who knows how I may look at this in the future but for now this is where I am and have been since I began cyberring.

 

[sheath]

Sheath, most states have no-fault laws now & you can get divorced for pretty much any, or no, reason

Good point. It's interesting, though, that in contested divorces 'cybersex' or 'internet affairs' and even 'phone sex' falls under 'infidelity' in the court of law.

Yeah, it's taking time & energy away from your SO

But if that's cheating, there're a lot of golfers who fit the definition

So THAT explains my ex-husband!

There's also often good reasons people (male or female) seek such attention outside, and most who're unhappy about them doing so might be better served to look at themselves and the relationship to see WHY

And in many cases it comes down to the simple unrealistic expectation of monogmy
it's not natural and for most people it does NOT work *shrug*

IMHO, of course

Oh, James. There you go again. I see the controversy on your 'monogamy' stance has already begun.

S.

 

[Wantonica]

For those of you who think cybersex in a committed relationship is okay, how would you feel if your partner was cybering with the neighbor? How about if it progressed into real life? This is exactly what happened to me, and was the last straw in the relationship with my ex-husband. There are plenty of other ways to achieve sexual satisfaction without involving another living human being. (Sorry Sheath, I know that last sentence wasn't what you needed right now.)

Hugs,
Wantonica

 

[sheath]

There are plenty of other ways to achieve sexual satisfaction without involving another living human being. (Sorry Sheath, I know that last sentence wasn't what you needed right now.)

Hugs,
Wantonica

lol Thanks, Wantonica. Today is actually a pretty 'okay' day, so I'm not climbing the walls over that comment! lol

S.

 

[James G 5]

Good point. It's interesting, though, that in contested divorces 'cybersex' or 'internet affairs' and even 'phone sex' falls under 'infidelity' in the court of law.

So THAT explains my ex-husband!

Oh, James. There you go again. I see the controversy on your 'monogamy' stance has already begun.

S.

 

[Wantonica]

And in many cases it comes down to the simple unrealistic expectation of monogmy
it's not natural and for most people it does NOT work *shrug*

IMHO, of course

I declare! Are you saying humans are less civilized than wolves and hippos?

Wantonica

 

[Noor]

For those of you who think cybersex in a committed relationship is okay, how would you feel if your partner was cybering with the neighbor? How about if it progressed into real life? This is exactly what happened to me, and was the last straw in the relationship with my ex-husband. There are plenty of other ways to achieve sexual satisfaction without involving another living human being. (Sorry Sheath, I know that last sentence wasn't what you needed right now.)

Hugs,
Wantonica

The same way I would feel if he was gardening with the neighbor and went into a real life sexual relationship with her, it would depend on our relationships and the committment agreement we made between us. It is not the cybersex itself that was responsible, it was the man who did that.

Personally I would not risk cyberring with someone that close by. I think it is important to be responsible cyberring just as it is with any other interaction you have with another person.

I think doing cybersex is not without risks, the risks maybe not physical, but you are still dealing with people with emotions, it is not the same as sex with pros where the exchange is purely monetary. You can always disappear from your cyber but you can't disappear from yourself.

 

[James G 5]

I declare! Are you saying humans are less civilized than wolves and hippos?

Wantonica

I'm saying research shows THEY aren't monogamous EITHER
There's a GREAT book called "The Myth of Monogamy" that debunks the idea that ANY species of animal is naturally monogamous, or that so-called "pair bonded" species never stray
In fact, the book goes in to biological reasons why females might stray
Monogamy has little to do with civilization and MUCH to do with control

 

[Wantonica]

I'm saying research shows THEY aren't monogamous EITHER
There's a GREAT book called "The Myth of Monogamy" that debunks the idea that ANY species of animal is naturally monogamous, or that so-called "pair bonded" species never stray
In fact, the book goes in to biological reasons why females might stray
Monogamy has little to do with civilization and MUCH to do with control

I'm not an expert, but as a previous wolf owner, I did a lot of research on them. In documented observations of the animals, they are known to never mate again if their partner dies. They are an extremely loyal breed...

Smiles,
Wantonica

 

[James G 5]

I'm not an expert, but as a previous wolf owner, I did a lot of research on them. In documented observations of the animals, they are known to never mate again if their partner dies. They are an extremely loyal breed...

Smiles,
Wantonica

I didn't say they didn't pair mate for life
I said they don't pair mate and then not STRAY
Females will sneak away from their mates, get it on with another male, and then raise the pups with their mates
Males will slink away to mate with others as well, but this is less common

 

[Wantonica]

I didn't say they didn't pair mate for life
I said they don't pair mate and then not STRAY
Females will sneak away from their mates, get it on with another male, and then raise the pups with their mates
Males will slink away to mate with others as well, but this is less common

Interesting, I always understood them to only 'mate' with one partner during the entire lifetime.

Shrugs,
Wantonica