Cute Pick up Poem - Check it out!

[StryWrter7]

I wrote one poem to the site:


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=65088


You never know when it will come in handy!

 

[_Land]

Welcome to the board, that is a cute poem hope you continue to post Regards _Land

I wrote one poem to the site:


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=65088


You never know when it will come in handy!

 

[Star At Sunrise]

It is a cute poem... I wish I had thought of it... pretty clever!

I woulda given it a five, easy, but you had to go and explain it a but to much in your "afterwords." Anybody who couldn't get it after reading it doesn't deserve to use it to try and pick someone up!



Good work! Thanks for posting it!

 

[JUDO]

I read this on the other thread, and now I read it here.

This really worked for you?

Each time I've read it, I get to the line "I love you..." and I think, who is this, nut? And when I read the last line and see the payoff, I just roll my eyes and think -- "Nice try, stud."


- Judo

 

[Rybka]

I read this on the other thread, and now I read it here.

This really worked for you?

Each time I've read it, I get to the line "I love you..." and I think, who is this, nut? And when I read the last line and see the payoff, I just roll my eyes and think -- "Nice try, stud."


- Judo

Judo previously wrote:

This critique does very little in the way of demonstrating to the artist how such elements might be observed or corrected in their work.

If you are going to criticize art (as you call it) then do a good job, please.

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[JUDO]

Judo previously wrote:


Regards,                       Rybka

My message is clear. His "cute pickup line" doesn't work with every girl. And, in this case, I don't care to fix it.


- Judo

 

[dragonhearted]

I hate pick up lines!

I read this on the other thread, and now I read it here.

This really worked for you?

Each time I've read it, I get to the line "I love you..." and I think, who is this, nut? And when I read the last line and see the payoff, I just roll my eyes and think -- "Nice try, stud."


- Judo

and if you try it on me Star...you will be left out in the cold!

 

[OT]

lines with heavy words like

"your tender heart"
and
"I love you darling, I really do"

make the poem awkward. (and not cute)

If it were ever to work, I'd think it would be much more effective if the poem itself was cuter and lighter.

O.T.
stuff

 

[damppanties]

The poem's witty. I really wouldn't shut him off if I was approached with that. I'd wait and see if he's as humorous the rest of the time or if he wrote that in a fit of stupidity.

Yah, while reading the poem, I thought there were some pretty strong words, but the last line wiped out the first impression.

Oh yes, I wouldn't use the word 'cute' to describe it. Witty, humorous, not cute.

-DP.

 

[StryWrter7]

Wake up Call

Here goes a long winded response to the discussion I started. I wanted to CRINGE -- and wondered how shallow everyone thought I was for writing it or even sharing it here. But I was so excited after finding this site - and thought that sharing it was the right idea.

I wish to thank all of you on this discussion and the other one for so politely looking at my work.

I wanted someone to read my poem. I thought if I posted the poem site here, it MIGHT generate some interest. I really wasn't sure how many people would look at it otherwise.

I introduced it as "cute" and "pick - up" ----- perhaps after reflection that introduction to my little poem was not accurate. In hindsight -- I guess I should have listed the poem and said "Here is my poem - tell me if you like it" At the same time, I posted the poem at the other site, thinking it would get some attention.


But everyone brought up some very interesting points.
First did it work for me? No, if you mean did it encourage a girl to sleep all night with me. I think they already had their mind made up shortly after meeting me.
Did they laugh with the poem and the sparkle in their eyes get a bit brighter allowing more free speech? Yes. (I can't remember ANY negative reaction)
Did I hand it to a girl as the opening line --- you guys caused me to reflect a bit -- and you are absolutely correct. I didn't hand it to a stranger at all. It was usually after I had already had a conversation going. <---I really had to think back -- since I am about to be married 17 years next week, and last 'dated or picked anyone up' over 20 years ago.

Really, the way I looked -- presented myself -- and spoke to a woman made me desirable. Not handing them a poem and gauging their reaction.




But it is the only poem I can remember writing. I am sure I did others (school, maybe as a kid) But this poem stuck with me. I was so very proud of the way it played itself out.

People really pick on your words here I guess I wasn't quite ready for that reaction.
Just imagine what y'all would say about my stories -- and they are no where close to being real.


Enough said -- thanks for your input!

 

[damppanties]

Re: Wake up Call

People really pick on your words here I guess I wasn't quite ready for that reaction.
Just imagine what y'all would say about my stories -- and they are no where close to being real.


Enough said -- thanks for your input!

Yes, we do pick on words StryWrtr, cos we think you want us to. Even then, everything said is an honest attempt to let you know what works and what doesn't. In no way is meant to put you down or your work.

You're welcome. I liked participating in this thread.

Now, I'm going to go and read your stories...

-DP.