Curious about losing virginity

[NoJo]

Ok, I see TheSandman is still soliciting for feedback, and he's not what you'd call a newbie, and must be able to wallpaper his house with accolades by now, so I don't feed so ashamed of doing the same thing (I've had barely enough positive feedback messages to cover my bedroom ceiling).

Would anybody who's not a damn yuppie and has about 3/4 of an hour to spend out of their busy schedule, care to read parts I - IV of my "Who the Fuck are You" sextology (in six parts, geddit)
and let me know whether the story, which has almost no sex till the second half of Chapter 3 managed to hold their attention?

It's a lightweight comedy about a timid guy whose personaility gets a makeover by a bunch of professionals. It's quite British, except for spelling.

I put it in Humor & Satire: Is it funny?
Do you care about the characters?
What should I do about Tim and Alice?

Thanks, all you kind authors for reading. I know I would. Well. Maybe a bit of the first chapter anyway.

Josh (aka subjoe).

Links should be in my ad banner below.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Okay. I didn't read all of it. I read page one and part of page 2 and I think you've got a brilliant idea for a story. In fact, I think you've got a brilliant idea for a real TV show. The hell with the story. Work up a treatment and take it to the networks!

The main problem I see so far is that the idea for the show is so good that I was very impatient for the show to start. I had no patience for the dinner scene. Let's get on to the show. You can reveal what a nerd he is while they're prepping him for the show.

So far I don't know what the complication with Alice is going to be. What struck me is that she'd pregnant, and I myself don't find pregnant women especially attractive, and the idea that some people do is kind of repellant to me. So I just wanted to ignore his fascination with her. His seeing her in her underwear gave me the shudders. I should have gone back to see how pg she is, but just the knowledge that she was pregnent was enough to tuynr me off.

You're funny when you don't work so hard at it. The coming early to dinner bit with his watch was clever and on the mark but it didn't work for me and I'm not sure why. I thought your description of the picture of Tim they sent into the show was funnier, and that was just passed off effortlessly. Maybe the wristwatch business tried too hard.

Another thing: it wasn't clear to me at the start that they were making the phone call in secret, that he wasn't supposed to know. You mention that Alice and Beth look at him "furtively" but that's not enough to let us know that their calling in secret.

If I were writing this (ahem), I'd have the subjects on the show volunteer themselves, and haved A & B just push him into it. But maybe this interferes with some plot development later on.

Anyhow, as I say, it's a fascinating idea, and I'll go back and look at more when I'm in a more 'readerly' mood. After you set up the premise I can't see how it would not be funny.

---dr.M.

 

[Lakedamon]

Pretty darn good

Mr. Josh:

Hi, how's it going? I'm new here. But I'm not new to writing. I've got an AA&S degree in Liberal Arts, and I'm an english major in college.

I was checking out these forums and saw your post here, and figured I'd check your work out.

I like it, dude. The British-isms were a little tough for me at first, but I've seen enough British movies to scrape my way through.

I think the only reason you're having trouble generating interest in this story is because of the nature of this website. As you say, there's no sex until much later in the story, and on an erotic website, this can hurt your readership.

However, looking at it as a short-story that just so happens to have sex in it, rather than as a sex story, it's very good. The first part needs some good trimming down, though. It takes you a while to introduce the premise.

Remember, as Orson Scott Card said in "Characters and Viewpoint", you only have about three paragraphs to "hook" your reader before they lose interest. You need to sink that hook a bit faster, and make the first section of the story more effective, more tightly woven.

Your pacing was absolutely perfect from the very end of Chapter 2 (where he decides to learn all their tricks and beat them at their own game) on. You hit your stride at that point, and the story flies.

But that's a late place to finally hit your stride. Re-examine those first two chapters. And best of luck to you. With a little polishing, I'd think about sumbmitting this story to various magazines if I were you.

Sincerely,
Lakedamon

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Josh,

I just finished the fourth chapter Yes, it's kept my attention for sure. I 've said it before and don't mind saying it again, nothing is as entertainingly good as good British humor. I simply love it! There are a couple of other Englishmen here who write humor and I love their work too. As a little Aussie I loved your story!

No sex until the third chapter? Well it's like a good vegetarian meal isn't it. You enjoy it so much you kind of forget you wanted meat with your meal.

Is it funny?

It had me simling all though it. There's some really good subtle suff there, in fact I may have to read over it again, in case I missed anything..

Do I care about the characters?

Actually Tim could have stepped right out of several English sitcoms. You know that sad pathetic but totally lovable kind of man, that you love to death, but you're never going to want to go a a date with? You know if this story was ever made into a movie Huge Grant would have to play the lead. Liz Hurley would have to be Susanne, and the others I will have fun thinking about.

As a female, I feel a real affection for the sweet and dorky Tim. At the end of chapter two, he's isn't the kind of man I want to have sex with, but he's not suppose to be is he? Not yet. By chapter three and his date with the gorgeous and socially inept Sarah, he's more intriguing. Then by the time conniving Susanne has had a piece of him, I want some too!

What should you do with Tim and Alice?

Surprise us Josh. Oh but please, I"m like Dr. M, I don't get excited over pregnant woman having sex. I"m asuming from what I've read she pregnant pregnant, and certainly showing.

Josh, in my opinion, this is your best work yet.

Anyone reading this posting of mine, should be reading that story of yours.

I'm looking forward to reading more now.

Have a great day,

Alex.
.

 

[Octavian]

feedback on WT-FAY

Joe
I am enjoying this story of yours very much indeed, especially the very humorous lines sprinkled throughout. I loved Alice’s comment about her morning sickness and the image of the lady in the post office that came unbidden to Tim’s mind.

Like Dr M I think the humour relating to his watch was somewhat forced. It certainly seems to lack the spontaneity that characterises much of what you have written.

Despite there being no sexual encounter until Chapter 3, it still held my interest but I suspect that I might be in the minority here.

There is a radiance about pregnant women, often a beauty, but I am not altogether sure that they are, per se, sexually attractive. But it takes all kinds. If I can be a tad critical, I found Tim’s transformation from ‘dork’ (very succinct, Alex!) to lounge lizard rather abrupt.

Where to go with it? Now that is difficult.
I think making public suggestions would be counterproductive. Go with your own instinct, Joe.


Octavian

________________________________________________

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
From the office wisdom of David Brent.

 

[NoJo]

Dr M, Lakedamon, alex, octavian, thanks for your feedback! I've forgotten how it feels. And it's good to be reminded of how smart some people are on this site are, which is one reason I like "publishing" here. Huge readership, but a good share of savvy readers too.

This story is based on a real TV show, "Would Like to Meet". which Brits will recognize. The real show is compulsive viewing. I took a bit of license, but the WT-FAY team will be recognizable to people who've watched it.

Although I wrote Chapters I and II a while ago, I found that they created characters that had enough depth that I found it easy to come back and get things moving, when I finally got round to finishing the last four chapters.

I actually have the end of the story written, but I got intrigued by Tim's infatuation with his best friend's wife, and was toying with something else. I really don't think it would be at all in charatcer for him to get it toether with Alice, however much he was attracted to her.

I DO find pregnant women attractive, but not really like "I want to fuck you" attractive. I just think they look "radiant", as Octavian said. But there's something else going on underneath there... I'm reminded of those weird "Venus" stone carvings from prehistoric times -- some people think women carved them. I can understand that there's a taboo about it though.

Thinking back to my adolescence (well, to be honest, I was at the tail end of teens), I remember a sudden transformation pretty similar to Tim's after I finally got laid. I thought I was the bees knees for a while, until I sort of settled on a truer picture of myself (not a nerd, not a stud). Those wild oscillations of persona, finally settling on a more realistic sense of self, are what Tim is going through.


Chapter 5 is my favorite. Chapter 6 ties it all up, but has almost zero sex in it. Actually I've set up the last chapter all the way through the first five. It's the ol' "right under his nose all along" ending.

Thanks again for reading!

 

[Guest]

LOL.......

Count me in......I can see I have a lot of reading to do. And as I am taking a mini break from writing (massaging this sore ego I suddenly developed) not to mention painting over the accolades that have begun peeling off the walls in my sanity room...I should have plenty of time to do this here shortly. And will respond. Though for whatever worth my 2 cents may be.

I remain,

 

[gauchecritic]

It may be because it was late at night or that I was just not in that mood so I didn't manage to read all the story, however;

I think the main reason was that as soon as I started reading I got the feeling that it should have been a script rather than a story, especially with the visual slapstick type stuff and the descriptions seeming to be directive rather than descriptive. Am I making sense here?

Can't say it was poor because it wasn't, can't say it wasn't well done because it was, just the wrong 'medium'

In comparison to Mayfair Lady (another of Joes which I seriously urge you all to read) these could have been written by 2 different authors.

Well that's what I think, but then, I am

Gauche

 

[NoJo]

The longest I've gone yet!

I've submitted the sixth and final chapter of "Who The Fuck are You, Anyway". Like the first five, it's more story than sex.

I had the whole pretty much story mapped from the beginning, and in my opinion, it really reads like a story, rather than a series of episodes (not that I'm knocking that kind of thing, apparently Dickens wrote a lot of his stuff as episodes, publishing week by week in the Strand magazine).

Chapter 6 is the tie-up chapter. It's sort of the eponymous chapter too, because the main character sort of works out who he is.

As I have pretentions to be a "real" writer, I'd appreciate some feedback from writers who've writen short stories (romantic/humorous) particularly as to overall form and interest level.

I suppose it's in the romantic comedy genre, rather than erotica. I can mail the story in Word format which would make for easier reading.


Links to chapters in my ad banner.
Thanks,


Joe.

 

[Guest]

I'd love it Joe!

If you're so inclined....email it to me. I'd love to read it!

drisimian@attbi.com

Thesandman

 

[~Elizabeth~]