Curiosity: a question for you both

[Wileycharacter]

Those of you in a RL D/s relationship, what did you find the biggest challenges were for you specifically in making the relationship functional and conditions realistic? My current challenge is in maintaining our privacy while at the same time keeping our roles outside the bedroom. It's very much like a double life with those who aren't aware of the way our relationship is. I understand communication between the two parties is important but I was just curious how everybody else copes with this and if they've found other hurdles in having a successful d/s relationship.
Im new to the forum and I can't work the search function for the life of me. So if this has been asked before could someone please kindly direct me to the link.

 

[njlauren]

Not currently in a d/s (though with the same person) but I can tell you that maintaining the d/s outside the bedroom and such while not making it obvious was kind of a big mindfuck for us. The protocol we used outside our private home and such looked much like an old fashioned relationship, where I was seemingly the loving, mindful partner, opening the doors for her, being mindful of her needs, pulling her chair out, you name it, always showing deference, 'asking' her opinion and so forth, meanwhile it was for us the outward sign of who was dominant in the relationship. There were little things, like my partner ordering in the restaurant (I am using the term partner for a reason, since we are not presently in a d/s, it indicates our current status), or her in subtle ways deciding what I was eating, choosing the wine, etc.....when walking, it was I who let her take the lead,etc. If we were discussing something like home renovation or work around the house, she took the lead, I was the 'suggester', and so forth.

Not saying it was always easy, could be difficult at times, like the server in a restaurant insisting on trying to deal with me instead of her, or how to handle things like correcting behavior for something I did without attracting notice, etc......

Hope this helped a little bit, anyway.

 

[Wileycharacter]

I value any input and opinion, so it's definately helpful. I've been finding it a bit of a mindfuck too. I love that we've extended things outside the bedroom but it certainly has its moments where I'm very much in a state of confusion of how to react in different situation and out of loyalty am very much torn between submitting like I should and causing suspicion or disobeying and paying for it later.

I actually worry alot that someone might suspect I'm being abused because I'm often covered in bruises because we indulge in alot of rough play. I'm not sure how to combat questions relating to that either.

Also I'm curious as to different techniques that different people use that creates very little suspicion but has been effective in keeping the roles in place.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Those of you in a RL D/s relationship, what did you find the biggest challenges were for you specifically in making the relationship functional and conditions realistic? My current challenge is in maintaining our privacy while at the same time keeping our roles outside the bedroom. It's very much like a double life with those who aren't aware of the way our relationship is. I understand communication between the two parties is important but I was just curious how everybody else copes with this and if they've found other hurdles in having a successful d/s relationship.
Im new to the forum and I can't work the search function for the life of me. So if this has been asked before could someone please kindly direct me to the link.

The search function here at Lit is definitely not the most functional I've ever run into. In fact, it's one of the *least* functional I've ever run into. (Taking notes, Laurel/Manu??)

Keeping to your roles outside the bedroom certainly can be done, more easily in some circumstances than others. Around those who have no freakin' idea of your D/s relationship, and who would not understand it if it were presented to them in comic book fashion, the "old-fashioned" sort of role play described by lauren is certainly workable. If there are those who have *some* idea, and don't freak easily, you can be a *little* bit more open without thrusting it in their faces, so to speak. You simply have to consider your surroundings, including the people in those surroundings, and determine what your roles need to be to survive under those circumstances. If you're not absolute yobs, you should be able to do it.

I value any input and opinion, so it's definately helpful. I've been finding it a bit of a mindfuck too. I love that we've extended things outside the bedroom but it certainly has its moments where I'm very much in a state of confusion of how to react in different situation and out of loyalty am very much torn between submitting like I should and causing suspicion or disobeying and paying for it later.

I actually worry a lot that someone might suspect I'm being abused because I'm often covered in bruises because we indulge in alot of rough play. I'm not sure how to combat questions relating to that either.

Also I'm curious as to different techniques that different people use that creates very little suspicion but has been effective in keeping the roles in place.

First for the bolded portion: We live in an increasingly suspicious and nosy world. While there are some good reasons for this, and while it *is* good in some ways (for example, in detecting actual abuse in children and spouses), it can be hell for a happy D/s or S/m couple. You (plural) need to agree to keep those damn bruises where they can't be seen under normal circumstances... unless you *like* the idea of being questioned for hours by police officers and counselors, and are willing to risk the very real possibility of one (or both) of you spending some time in jail.

To back up to the first paragraph in this post, your concern about how to act in various scenarios is kind of answered in my response to your first post. The two of you need to *talk* about the circumstances you're likely to run into and how to maintain your actual roles while presenting your outward personae in a manner that's not going to freak people out. You also need to set up a "default" or "vanilla" presentation scenario for circumstances under which one (or both) of you is(are) concerned about the situation, for whatever reason. I would suggest some type of unique - but not stupid - safeword or phrase to be used by either of you in this situation so that the other is aware that for some reason, one of you is concerned about your particular surroundings and want to, in effect, vanish into the crowd.

Good luck to you. And welcome to the Lit BDSM Talk forum and the Café. There are a lot of very very smart and very very experienced folks here, some of whom have been living in the BDSM culture for years, if not decades, and are happy to share their experience and accumulated wisdom. Use the resources you've found here, and I think you'll enjoy your lives just a wee bit more.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sir Winston has great advce for you.

Remember, and remind your Top, that consent cannot be given by strangers, and you don't force them to witness your sex life. Not without trouble, anyway.

 

[Wileycharacter]

Thanks for the kind welcome, I have been lurking without any posts for about a months time now and I thought it was about time I started to take advantage of some of the knowledge and experience some of you have.

I will admit it had never crossed my mind to have a safe word for social situations, that being said we (my SO and I) have never extended our roles out of the walls of our home until the last 6 months so it's all very new territory for both of us. But it's a great idea and I'll definately be sure to take it on board.

The bruises are a big part of our rough play and it's certainly a problem that needs solving, I have considered I need to come up with better methods of concealment, perhaps gain some skill in makeup or perhaps change my wardrobe in a way that covers those particular areas. If anyone else is in the same boat and has experience in best ways to go about that. Once again any helpful links would be greatly appreciated. It's not something we want to eliminate from our play but clearly we are not keen for jail either,( that's a whole other kind of domination I don't want to explore.lol) so We'd like to exhaust all other options first.

We certainly have protocol in place for the important situations such as parents and families and sensitive friends but it's those unexpected situations that cause the confusion. Perhaps as Stella suggested I need to hint at Mr and ask that he be a bit more lenient with me regarding public acts. We have discussed humiliation and once again something we indulge in from time to time and its not Mr's fault but I'm thinking I might need to reset a few of my limits now that we are officially outside the home.

I'm sure I'm going to come across many more challenges as time goes on and I'm very pleased to have found a group of people who have been there done that and can offer realistic advice.

Thank you.

 

[lazyhobo]

The bruises are a big part of our rough play and it's certainly a problem that needs solving, I have considered I need to come up with better methods of concealment, perhaps gain some skill in makeup or perhaps change my wardrobe in a way that covers those particular areas. If anyone else is in the same boat and has experience in best ways to go about that. Once again any helpful links would be greatly appreciated. It's not something we want to eliminate from our play but clearly we are not keen for jail either,( that's a whole other kind of domination I don't want to explore.lol) so We'd like to exhaust all other options first.

Although I personally dont have too much experience in S/m relationships in RL, I would link it to how those that dont want anyone to know they are in a sexual relationship, would hide a Hickey.

Avoid spots where people will see, ie, neck face arms and feet. Keep it to where you are usually clothed, for example, back chest gut legs (Unless you wear shorts).

Avoid activities that will require you to dress in a fashion that may show off any bruises, ie Swimming, Sunbathing.

 

[eastern sun]

If you're interested, I have talked about our M/s relationship outside the house at length in this thread - http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=623345.

We have found a number of different ways to keep the relationship active in social settings. One of my favorites is when he discovered he could step on my foot to correct my behavior, and no one but I would even notice what was going on. If you abandon the idea that you have to do things "a certain way," you can discover all kinds of ways to express your relationship that fit whatever situation you are in.

I also routinely walk just behind his right shoulder, allow him to choose seats first, etc. and the more routine they become, the less attention they attract. Though some people might think he's a bit of an asshole (i.e. friends/family/neighbors), we clearly have a strong relationship and people don't question it. And he is very charming and funny, which also helps explain (to them) why I might like him.

(My father liked him a lot more, though - and treated him with more respect - once he became aware of the real nature of our relationship. It gave a different spin on the behaviors he was witnessing.)

Before our kids were born, I once had a downstairs neighbor - an old Italian man - ask if I was all right, if I needed him to "talk to" my husband. And another neighbor was shocked to discover we were married. He thought we were brother and sister! So people will try to interpret what they're seeing, and form opinions. If you don't doubt your relationship, though, no one else will either.

Do be careful about broadcasting your bruises. Protect each other. The worse feeling I ever had was a short period of time in which he believed that I was abusing him! I looked back over my behavior, and thought - from an outside perspective, I'm going to have a hard time defending myself to a third (possibly biased) party.

But it also woke me up to a perspective I think we need to have.