Cuckoldress & Hotwife Information & Advice

[XxxBabyGirl22]

Hi all I have been on lit for awhile now, Ive come across so many discussions with the theme of cuckolding, sharing, hotwife lifestyle. But it always seems to be made by men geared towards their questions and feelings, so I thought maybe id start a thread for the ladies to discuss questions or struggles we've had about living the life style. I apologize if something like this has been made before but I haven't seen it.

Id love to get advice from women that might have struggled with the things I specifically struggled with. Such as...

1. Not being able to focus and over thinking while having boyfriend watches.. Feel like instead of really losing myself in the moment with the other guy there's always that added factor of bf watching & having to think if hes enjoying it as well. Wondering if I can do this can I do that? Will I look good from his perspective if I do this? etc.. Id personally feel more comfortable being able to see the guy alone but I think that takes away from the cuckolds whole experience and might be selfish of me.

2. Im a person that enjoys rough sex at times, but ive felt some type of way at times while a guy im dating is ok witnessing that. While a guy has been being rough or made me do something at times in my head ill think how is bf ok with him "disrespecting me like this".. I know its wrong on my part because I claim to like rough sex but I couldnt help feel alittle animosity towards bf for not standing up and wanting to defend me.

3. Catching feelings for the Bull. When does wanting to see them become to much. As women we catch feelings when being so intimate with someone, how do you know when to pull back and know things are getting to out of control.

With that being said I hope I dont come off as a hater of the life style because ive had so many great experiences and enjoy it very much!!

 

[policywank]

Hi all I have been on lit for awhile now, Ive come across so many discussions with the theme of cuckolding, sharing, hotwife lifestyle. But it always seems to be made by men geared towards their questions and feelings, so I thought maybe id start a thread for the ladies to discuss questions or struggles we've had about living the life style. I apologize if something like this has been made before but I haven't seen it.

Id love to get advice from women that might have struggled with the things I specifically struggled with. Such as...

1. Not being able to focus and over thinking while having boyfriend watches.. Feel like instead of really losing myself in the moment with the other guy there's always that added factor of bf watching & having to think if hes enjoying it as well. Wondering if I can do this can I do that? Will I look good from his perspective if I do this? etc.. Id personally feel more comfortable being able to see the guy alone but I think that takes away from the cuckolds whole experience and might be selfish of me.

2. Im a person that enjoys rough sex at times, but ive felt some type of way at times while a guy im dating is ok witnessing that. While a guy has been being rough or made me do something at times in my head ill think how is bf ok with him "disrespecting me like this".. I know its wrong on my part because I claim to like rough sex but I couldnt help feel alittle animosity towards bf for not standing up and wanting to defend me.

3. Catching feelings for the Bull. When does wanting to see them become to much. As women we catch feelings when being so intimate with someone, how do you know when to pull back and know things are getting to out of control.

With that being said I hope I dont come off as a hater of the life style because ive had so many great experiences and enjoy it very much!!

Personally I think that you do need to think of your own sexual satisfaction as being the primary reason for being a hot wife. It is important that your bf/husband be on board with this choice and I fully support indulging his desires and ensuring he continues to have a fulfilling experience. But you aren't doing it for him and you aren't his "personal porn star". I think you need to first find what works for you then make modifications to accommodate him.

It is perfectly reasonable that you will have sex with your lovers one-on-one without your husband present. That is what works for you and quite honestly I think that is what is most likely to work for other men. Seek opportunities to allow your bf/husband to watch and accept that when he does it may alter the experience for you and your lover, but don't make that the default scenario. Over time you and some of your lovers may learn to relax more with him watching and it may even add a whole new dimension to your lovemaking, but don't deny the need for one-on-one interaction.

If there is an activity such as rough sex that is likely to induce negative feelings in you towards your bf/husband then don't do that in front of him. Take the latitude to do it when you are one-on-one with your lover. Your bf/husband has to have a lot of trust in you to accept being a cuckold. You owe it to him to not do anything that would hurt him. If the circumstance of him watching you have rough sex with another man will induce animosity towards him understand that is not an emotion that can be controlled or set aside. It is incumbent upon you to steer clear of it.

On the subject of emotion consider the premise that we don't control our emotions. We like to think we do but we don't. We can't switch them on or off. We can't simply choose to be happy when we are sad and we can't simply choose not to miss a lover when we are craving their presence. At most we can manage our actions (i.e. don't have rough sex in front of your bf/husband) to mitigate any negative impact of those involuntary emotions and try to manage how we respond to the emotions. You will have a personal connection with some of your lovers. Don't feel bad about that and be open with your bf/husband about it. He has to be ok with sharing your attentions in this regard. And don't try to come up with rules to buffer him from this reality. It is hard to know how far is too far but I think that if you find yourself resenting your bf/husband because you'd rather be with your lover OR leaving your bf/husband disappointed because you are with your lover so much then there is a problem. That is easy to say and difficult to gauge. But I think it helps if your bf/husband is clear that you enjoy your lover for more than just sex and there will be times that you would rather be with him - don't allow a situation where his discontent emanates from his efforts to avoid this reality. Return to the premise that you can't control your emotions so neither you nor your bf/husband nor your lover are entitled to be angry with you for feeling what you feel. All you can do is address them honestly, ask for the same in return and ask your bf/husband to be open with you about when and why he is feeling neglected relative to the expectations that you have set.

But that last part is key "relative to the expectations that you have set." You need to be clear with your bf/husband about what you want and what he can expect. He can then decide whether that works for him. Be open to finding common ground or making accommodation but don't let it be a negotiation that involves denying how you feel and what you want.

 

[irishblade]

@policywank you crush it every time. I generally enjoy your wisdom and advice on these threads.

 

[Scareltt]

Everyone does this different..

Wether you call yourself a Shared Wife, Hotwife or whatever. Everyone has their own way of doing things.

To echo Policywank you’ve got to be doing this for yourself first. You need to be comfortable, if your boy friend/husband are into it so much the better. I realize in the beginning he feels like he needs to watch, and it sounds like he has, so it might be time to explain that you need some one on one time.

I enjoy rough play as well. Part of the reason I’m seeing other people is to experience different things. My husband is sweet and gentle just the person I want to come home to after a night of rough play. He’ll give me the aftercare I need. That’s how I involve my husband in that type of play. If you’re in pain even in a good way you still wonder why the person who loves you is sitting by doing nothing.

As far as feelings go, you’re going to have them. Each partner is going to touch your body and mind in places your boyfriend/husband cannot and that’s going to create different feelings and emotions. Communication is going to be really important, using the right words to describe your thoughts and feelings.

Another thing to keep in mind is. Your boyfriend is encouraging this and it’d be silly to leave him for some person who’s probably not going to be interested in you exploring other partners.

 

[XxxBabyGirl22]

Thanks so much for your insight, you seem to have a lot of this stuff figured out and I envy you for that. I think you are right that sometimes I forget that my satisfaction is the primary goal in this lifestyle. I've always felt so dedicated to my significant others needs that it feels selfish sometimes to focus on mine more then theirs. But like you said I'm not his "personal porn star" and I have to remind myself that more often.

I've always been explained cuckolding by a males point of view so that's probably why I'm feeling like I have to have bf so involved in all parts of it. Personally I don't really like the idea of a Bull and having to sort of act out a planned scene. Its much more comfortable for me to meet a guy organically and not have to awkwardly have to explain my bf likes watching. One on One dating would be ideal the majority of the time and then him watching me with a partner occasionally that is specifically into cuckolding could be a treat for him. But that feels selfish to me and know he will want to be more involved.

"If there is an activity such as rough sex that is likely to induce negative feelings in you towards your bf/husband then don't do that in front of him."

I dont have a ton of experience but the majority of "Bulls" he has seen me with enjoy a more aggressive style of sex. With that being said I can control what acts I do but can't know exactly what the guy will do in heat of the moment. *I guess if I know a specific partner is into rough sex that would be someone ill try and avoid making bf a part of.

Your last paragraph really spoke to me. With all my dating you would think by now id learn I can't control my emotions lol.. I have a problem of feeling close to people quickly also, like if there is a connection with them I actually care about what's going on in their lives. For boyfriend its all sexual in his miind, but i dont think he gets sometimes you just want to talk to ther person about their lives or whats going on with them. An example of me resenting boyfriend a little was when i was invited to a go to a wedding with a guy i was seeing, it was going to be a short weekend trip. My bf had made plans for us that specific weekend with his friends, so i had to say no to the poor guy that invited me to wedding.. That weekend im sitting there watching my bf and his buddies drink beers watching sports and having to talk to girlfriends and wives im not really friends with instead of having a great weekend at wedding with the other guy. Am i wrong for that and wanting to be with the other guy instead of my bf, it felt like it was a bad sign for me.

Thank you again for all your input I appreciate it!

Dani

 

[XxxBabyGirl22]

Thanks for responding Scareltt.. As you and Policywank both said I have to start reminding myself this is for me. With it being my boyfriends idea he came into it with an idea of how it should be (which is him always watching) and I went along with that to make him happy. But personally id rather be dating on my own, at least most of the time.

It sounds like our men are very much the same.. My bf is so sweet and caring and could never be as rough as some guys because he would think it was disrespectful.. I love that hes sweet like that and would be amazing to have that after care from him after having a date night with a rougher Man. "If you’re in pain even in a good way you still wonder why the person who loves you is sitting by doing nothing." This is exactly how I feel, how could you sit there and watch these things happen to with another man and he doesnt get up and defend me or speak up for himself. I cant blame him really though because its not like im saying no or anything.


"Another thing to keep in mind is. Your boyfriend is encouraging this and it’d be silly to leave him for some person who’s probably not going to be interested in you exploring other partners."

This is so true.. at the beginning I felt like it was to good to be true and it was some kind of trap. Like was I going to do this and then he would flip out on me, but the other shoe has never dropped yet lol

 

[policywank]

Thanks so much for your insight, you seem to have a lot of this stuff figured out and I envy you for that. I think you are right that sometimes I forget that my satisfaction is the primary goal in this lifestyle. I've always felt so dedicated to my significant others needs that it feels selfish sometimes to focus on mine more then theirs. But like you said I'm not his "personal porn star" and I have to remind myself that more often.

I've always been explained cuckolding by a males point of view so that's probably why I'm feeling like I have to have bf so involved in all parts of it. Personally I don't really like the idea of a Bull and having to sort of act out a planned scene. Its much more comfortable for me to meet a guy organically and not have to awkwardly have to explain my bf likes watching. One on One dating would be ideal the majority of the time and then him watching me with a partner occasionally that is specifically into cuckolding could be a treat for him. But that feels selfish to me and know he will want to be more involved.

"If there is an activity such as rough sex that is likely to induce negative feelings in you towards your bf/husband then don't do that in front of him."

I dont have a ton of experience but the majority of "Bulls" he has seen me with enjoy a more aggressive style of sex. With that being said I can control what acts I do but can't know exactly what the guy will do in heat of the moment. *I guess if I know a specific partner is into rough sex that would be someone ill try and avoid making bf a part of.

Your last paragraph really spoke to me. With all my dating you would think by now id learn I can't control my emotions lol.. I have a problem of feeling close to people quickly also, like if there is a connection with them I actually care about what's going on in their lives. For boyfriend its all sexual in his miind, but i dont think he gets sometimes you just want to talk to ther person about their lives or whats going on with them. An example of me resenting boyfriend a little was when i was invited to a go to a wedding with a guy i was seeing, it was going to be a short weekend trip. My bf had made plans for us that specific weekend with his friends, so i had to say no to the poor guy that invited me to wedding.. That weekend im sitting there watching my bf and his buddies drink beers watching sports and having to talk to girlfriends and wives im not really friends with instead of having a great weekend at wedding with the other guy. Am i wrong for that and wanting to be with the other guy instead of my bf, it felt like it was a bad sign for me.

Thank you again for all your input I appreciate it!

Dani

Of course I don't know all of the details of your situation and I don't want to project any assumptions onto it so I will make the following comments generic.

In this type of situation men often approach things from a perspective of entitlement and control. Being in a committed relationship they feel entitled to fidelity and to the extent that they "let" their partner have sex with other men they feel inclined to impose controls on that activity. Those controls tend to be geared towards limiting their partner's sexual activity to what they find acceptable, desirable and not threatening. I don't mean for this to be all about men - lots of women would behave the same way if the roles are reversed.

I see it quite differently. We all have our own sexual agency. I am entitled to set my own terms and my partner's options are: 1) take it; 2) leave it; or 3) propose an alternative. If we agree to monogamy then my obligation is to keep that commitment until such time as I am no longer willing to do so at which time I need to inform (not ask) him of the change in circumstance at which point we revisit the terms. You are not a possession for your man to share. If he wants to change the terms of reference by involving other men you are entitled to review and approve all aspects of the new arrangement.

Hotwifing isn't him granting you rights for which you should be grateful and therefore let him decide what rights to grant or not. It is a fundamental aspect of the relationship for which every last detail is subject to your approval. Even if you have gone down a road that doesn't quite agree with that perspective it is always your right to revisit it as long as you do it openly and honestly. At that point you are back to take it; leave it; suggest an alternative. At no point are you locked in other than to the ethical obligation to inform him if things have changed.

As for the weekend plans I was struck by two things. Firstly, you indicted that your bf had made plans for you. Were these plans that you consented to then wanted to back out of or did he make the plans and just assume it was incumbent upon you to come along? Secondly, it clearly wasn't just a matter of which man you wanted to be with, but also which event you wanted to attend. If the alternative event was a weekend with your best friend who had just come in from out of town would he still have expected you to skip it so that you could watch him and his buddies drinking?

Back to the matter of agency. Managing a hot wife life requires you to have quite a bit of control over your activities. Personally I wouldn't allow my man to book a weekend activity for me without asking me even if I wasn't a hot wife and frankly I wouldn't do it to him either were it not for the fact that we now have an FLR and he likes that. And if I do choose to do something other than what my partner wants the degree to which that is deemed acceptable is not subject to his or anybody's judgment as to the merits of the alternative activity in which I choose to participate.

At a high level I don't think you are wrong for wanting to be with the other guy rather than your bf, but I can't know what you are feeling. If the event sounded more appealing than your boyfriend's event that seems quite reasonable. If you simply wanted to spend time with this man that is part of having a lover and something that your bf needs to understand if this arrangement is to work. If you find yourself feeling resentment towards your bf or a particularly intense draw to this other man you need to ask yourself why. Not that it is a problem - it may not be at all. If you feel resentment it may be because your bf is being too controlling. That may be the truth and you need to find a way to stop his controlling behaviour - not being willing to submit to that control should not be confused with not being sufficiently devoted. If you feel a particularly intense draw to the other man that too may be fine, but I think maybe it is a question of whether that draw is because you have been denied that connection or because of something deeper that threatens your relationship with your bf. Simply preferring to be with the other man at a different function does not unto itself seem like a problem to me - at least on the surface that is simply a matter of not wanting to be controlled or to have your preferences dictated to you which is natural. Whether you should have gone to that other function is also linked to what commitment you made to your bf - sometimes we have to do the less desirable thing because of commitments we make, but it is still best to be honest with ourselves about how we feel and just accept that sometimes things don't go our way.

 

[Snowflakke]

Hi all I have been on lit for awhile now, Ive come across so many discussions with the theme of cuckolding, sharing, hotwife lifestyle. But it always seems to be made by men geared towards their questions and feelings, so I thought maybe id start a thread for the ladies to discuss questions or struggles we've had about living the life style. I apologize if something like this has been made before but I haven't seen it.

Id love to get advice from women that might have struggled with the things I specifically struggled with. Such as...

1. Not being able to focus and over thinking while having boyfriend watches.. Feel like instead of really losing myself in the moment with the other guy there's always that added factor of bf watching & having to think if hes enjoying it as well. Wondering if I can do this can I do that? Will I look good from his perspective if I do this? etc.. Id personally feel more comfortable being able to see the guy alone but I think that takes away from the cuckolds whole experience and might be selfish of me.

2. Im a person that enjoys rough sex at times, but ive felt some type of way at times while a guy im dating is ok witnessing that. While a guy has been being rough or made me do something at times in my head ill think how is bf ok with him "disrespecting me like this".. I know its wrong on my part because I claim to like rough sex but I couldnt help feel alittle animosity towards bf for not standing up and wanting to defend me.

3. Catching feelings for the Bull. When does wanting to see them become to much. As women we catch feelings when being so intimate with someone, how do you know when to pull back and know things are getting to out of control.

With that being said I hope I dont come off as a hater of the life style because ive had so many great experiences and enjoy it very much!!

Hi and nice to meet you. Great Idea for a thread. I will offer what I have found from my own experience and feelings and hopefully they help or at least give you another opinion.

1.) I agree that I've never really been one to love someone just sitting on the side and watching me with someone else. I am way more into it if all the people are playing and enjoying themselves. Even with only three people your husband or BF can come on the bed and be next to you or touching you just to be part of it even though you might be having sex with someone else.

2.) I see the issue of rough sex often become an issue with women that are rough with their bulls and then more casual with their husbands so like you said it becomes an issue sometimes or him watching another man dominate you. Again I think one part of this is someone sitting on the other side of the room watching you. Bring them in the mix somehow even if it's just kissing. Then the second is my husband and I will play just as rough as I play with others. I know part of the cuckold thing is that bulls can do stuff BFs and hubbys cannot but I've just never been into that side of it. Anything another man can do to me my husband can as well.

3.) I know no way around this one especially when seeing someone for an extended period of time. I have caught feelings for bulls and lovers and I usually have to take a moment and remind myself that this is something fun and sexual and light for both of us. On the worse case scenario it might be time to take a step back from that particular person you are catching feels for.

Hopefully I've helped or at least given you decent opinions. Have fun!

 

[policywank]

@policywank you crush it every time. I generally enjoy your wisdom and advice on these threads.

Thank you. That is nice of you to say.