critisize me please!!

[fire child]

ALL IN ONE
Closing my eyes on a dark night,
I can feel the wing beats of doves in flight
Rushing past in extreme haste.
Weird sensation… their fear I can taste.
Clenching my teeth and loosening a growl,
I’m like a wild dog on the prowl.
Spindly legs weary yet running,
I glance at the full moon
I'm so angry and cunning.
I let out a howl that quite stunning.
Stretching my legs and stepping far,
I’m the coming-home soldier
Getting out of the car.
Medals shining on my chest,
Of all the others I’m the best…
Killing an innocent the ultimate test.
Covering my face with cold hands,
I’m the girl poet who writes in wave-wet sand.
Screaming my words and sealing my fate,
I can feel others pass judgment…
Staring.
Their presence I can hate.

"many tears will cause a heart to mildew, rot, and fall apart... many dreams will damage a mind, as you have ripped broken mine.."

 

[WickedEve]

Closing my eyes on a dark night,
Night is always dark. It's like saying wet rain. Drop or change dark.

I can feel the wing beats of doves in flight
Doves are used too often in poetry. Actually, the image of wings beating in flight is cliché. But I personally think some clichés can work if used in an interesting way (is that possible?) or surrounded by enough fresh imagery.

Rushing past in extreme haste.
This is redundant. If you're rushing, then it's hasty.

Weird sensation… their fear I can taste.
Describe the weird sensation. Weird is too abstract. Tasting fear is cliché.

Clenching my teeth and loosening a growl,
Clenching teeth is rather cliché but it can work. Loosening a growl? I have to think about that.

I’m like a wild dog on the prowl.
In poetry, saying your on the prowl is cliché. (Jeez... everything has been used so many times before that it makes it challenging for us poor poets.)

Spindly legs weary yet running,
I like spindly legs. I don't care if I've heard it before, I like it.

I glance at the full moon
What the heck. Go ahead and glance at the full moon. But think about it. Why is it always full? How many times have you heard full moon? Write about a full moon, but think of another way of saying that it's full. Grab this poem by its spindly neck and make it yours! Don't keep giving the reader phrases and images that belong to a million other unimaginative poets.

I'm so angry and cunning.
Why are you angry and cunning? Don't tell me; show me. Give me an example that lets me come to the conclusion that you are angry and cunning.


This is just for starters. Let me know if you want more and I'll try my best to discuss your poem in more detail. And remember that the comments above are only comments. It's your poem and you have to decide what's best for it.


Eve

 

[Rybka]

Closing my eyes on a dark night,
Night is always dark. It's like saying wet rain. Drop or change dark.
...
I glance at the full moon
What the heck. Go ahead and glance at the full moon. But think about it. Why is it always full? How many times have you heard full moon? Write about a full moon, but think of another way of saying that it's full. Grab this poem by its spindly neck and make it yours! Don't keep giving the reader phrases and images that belong to a million other unimaginative poets.
...
Eve

I was about to chastise Eve for saying that "Night is always dark.". Some nights are darker than others. But then you go and ruin your nice dark night with a full moon!
Also, criticize is spelled with a "c".

Regards, Rybka

 

[WickedEve]

I was about to chastise Eve for saying that "Night is always dark.". Some nights are darker than others. But then you go and ruin your nice dark night with a full moon!
Also, criticize is spelled with a "c".

Regards, Rybka

Oh... I guess that dark night is not really that dark with a full moon. That's something fire can work into her poem.

Fire, I think what you wrote here is interesting:
I’m the girl poet who writes in wave-wet sand.
I'd drop wave, though. That's usually why sand is wet.

 

[Rybka]

Oh... I guess that dark night is not really that dark with a full moon. That's something fire can work into her poem.

Fire, I think what you wrote here is interesting:
I’m the girl poet who writes in wave-wet sand.
I'd drop wave, though. That's usually why sand is wet.

What? So now you never heard of low tide?
Besides, I like the illiteration!

Regards, Rybka

 

[WickedEve]

Okay, waves and tides. And I guess dog pee, spilt soda, tears...

 

[darkmaas]

Dark waves.

Eve said:

Fire, I think what you wrote here is interesting:

I’m the girl poet who writes in wave-wet sand.

I'd drop wave, though. That's usually why sand is wet.

This is the best bit of imagery in the poem imho. The transient nature of writing on sand has to have the wave threatening the writing. Keep the wave.

darkmaas

 

[Angeline]

I think you have some good stuff going on in this poem--some phrasings I really like, but some basics need attention.

I'm not really clear on what you are saying--what is your poem's point? Is it that because you are a poet, you are visionary and therefore can feel and/or be many things, which makes others judge you? I think that may be it. If so that--or whatever it is--should be spelled out more clearly. Maybe adding some space breaks will help. Right now, the poem feels jumbled to me.

Also, there are some very awkward constructions:

their fear I can taste.
Their presence I can hate

These phrasings are sometimes referred to as "Yoda-speak," and they are jarring. Better, I think, to use the active voice:

I taste their fear

(though Eve is right; tasting fear is trite--maybe better to use an image to say what their fear tastes like).

I'd lose the ellipses, too--I don't think they're giving you anything. Overall, take a close look at punctuation or bring it back here for another round of post-revision reviews.

Good luck with it.

 

[omahaguy]

Pretty cool, though I didn't like some of the rhyming unfortunately like the "cunning" and "stunning" one for example, I would say work on making it flow a bit better, but hey almost every poem gets that criticism

And damn wicked eve, you are a massively GOOD editor that's for sure! I commend thee(a cliché).

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Dark waves.

Eve said:


This is the best bit of imagery in the poem imho. The transient nature of writing on sand has to have the wave threatening the writing. Keep the wave.

darkmaas

I'm outnumbered. Keep the wave.

omahaguy, I'm not massively good, yet. I really don't want to be massively anything. (I'm dieting and the word massive just creeps me out.)

 

[fire child]

To wave or not to wave

So I keep the wave??

this is a submitted poem, but it was a work in progress that I needed to keep track of. I'm not sure if I even want to keep going with what's written at all. It's awful clicky. And yes, critiCizatioin (is that a word??) is what I asked for, and I appreciate it.
I'm not at all sure why dark and night ended up together, and why it's so if there's a full moon. frankly, full moons are annoying in poetry, unless it has a real purpose.

anyhow, thanks again. Back to the drawing board...if pete hasn't eaten it.

May take a couple days to post the revised edition...have to repair my office. small fire broke out..........

 

[WickedEve]

Re: To wave or not to wave

So I keep the wave??

this is a submitted poem, but it was a work in progress that I needed to keep track of. I'm not sure if I even want to keep going with what's written at all. It's awful clicky. And yes, critiCizatioin (is that a word??) is what I asked for, and I appreciate it.
I'm not at all sure why dark and night ended up together, and why it's so if there's a full moon. frankly, full moons are annoying in poetry, unless it has a real purpose.

anyhow, thanks again. Back to the drawing board...if pete hasn't eaten it.

May take a couple days to post the revised edition...have to repair my office. small fire broke out..........

What kind of small fire breaks out in an office? What were you doing? Now I know why you're called fire child.

 

[fire child]

lol

what can I say? Fire amazes me. I'm a total pyro. But the fire was because the boss didn't stack the wood right, didn't close the freaking grate, and left a magazine on the hearth. therefore, destroying my desk.

 

[WickedEve]

Hey, you have a cute poem in your post!

Blazing Desk

Fire amazes me.
I'm a total pyro,
but the boss didn't stack
the wood right,
didn't close the grate,
and left a magazine on the hearth.

 

[fire child]

~stares~

and you call me wierd??

lol, j/k!

HMMmmmm.....I may have to work with that.

prissy shaggy

 

[WickedEve]

It has possibilities!

 

[fire child]

Better yet??

My office is in shambles. it's going to take weeks to repair. I've moved my computer into my bedroom and developed really bad insomnia.
How's this?

All in One<revised>

Closing my eyes on a wintery night
I can feel the touch of bats' wings in flight
fluttering past in a torrential flow
brushing my face with leathery wings
sending a tingle to my toes
gnashing my teeth and loosening a growl
Im' like a wild dog with tears in my howl
spindly legs weary yet running
a glance at the dappled full moon to set my pace
sliding through skeletons of trees in haste
stretching my legs and standing tall
i'm the coming-home-soldier
getting out of the car
medals of gold shine on my coat
I take praise and wrongly gloat
through it all I am the best
killing an innocent the ulitmate test
all these things in life worth nothing
and still strangers remarks are quite cutting
I cover my face with shivering hands
I'm the girl poet who writes in wave-wet sand
screaming my words and sealing my fate
I can feel others pass judgement
staring
their presence I can hate

 

[fire child]

lol, best one I've ever taken.

ME! that was my office...~pouts~

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Re: Better yet??

My office is in shambles. it's going to take weeks to repair. I've moved my computer into my bedroom and developed really bad insomnia.
How's this?

All in One<revised>

Closing my eyes on a wintery night
I can feel the touch of bats' wings in flight
fluttering past in a torrential flow
brushing my face with leathery wings
sending a tingle to my toes
gnashing my teeth and loosening a growl
Im' like a wild dog with tears in my howl
spindly legs weary yet running
a glance at the dappled full moon to set my pace
sliding through skeletons of trees in haste
stretching my legs and standing tall
i'm the coming-home-soldier
getting out of the car
medals of gold shine on my coat
I take praise and wrongly gloat
through it all I am the best
killing an innocent the ulitmate test
all these things in life worth nothing
and still strangers remarks are quite cutting
I cover my face with shivering hands
I'm the girl poet who writes in wave-wet sand
screaming my words and sealing my fate
I can feel others pass judgement
staring
their presence I can hate

I think you're a prisoner of rhyme. It's got that rhyming dictionary feel to it: the need to rhyme is determining what you can say, and it shows because it's not at all clear what you're trying to say. You're a bitter soldier coming home? You've learned to kill people but you find stranger's remarks "cutting"?
Lose the rhyme and tell the story and then see if there's still a poem. A poem should be able to stand on its own without any rhyme, rhyme's just the icing on the cake, it's not the cake at all.

And the last lines need serious, serious rework.

---dr.M.

It varies

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Night is always dark. It's like saying wet rain. Drop or change dark.

One of the most memorable lines of poetry I know is:

"Down dropped the sails; the sails dropped down."

I always remember that line because it looks like such an absolute clunker. It says the same exact thing twice; it shouldn't work, there's no "imagery". It's literal and trite. But in the context of the poem(I think it's from "Ancient Mariner") it comes off sounding like the Drums of Doom. It's a real chiller

I don't know what it was about your comment on "dark night" that brought that line to mind, but something did.

Maybe it's this: saying "dark night" or "wet water"--or even repeating the same cliche twice, transposed--can work. There's nothing inherently wrong with saying that night is dark if that's what you want to emphasize rather than, say, it being windy or Friday or late. "Dark, dark night" is acceptable, why not "dark night"?

I think maybe what bothered me was looking at a poem with expectations of what it should and shouldn't be; like it's an engine that can be diagnosed by checking out its mechanical parts: bad rhyme here, this image is wrong, you repeated yourself here, stuff like that.

I don't mean to pick on you. We all do it. It's the easiest way to criticize poetry, the way that always comes tro mind, but in this case especially I don't think that this little stuff is what's wrong with the poem. If this poem is an engine, then for me at least, the thing's just not kicking over. It's not running. There's something majorly wrong here.

In a previous post I already commented on what I see as the the overall problem here: the tyranny of rhyme, which is preventing the poet from saying what they really want to say.

I'm not sure why I had to jump in on "dark night". Ah well.


---dr.M.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I'm a lay prosist, but my second opinion concurs with the good doctor's. You have an advanced case of rhyme plague. Avoid all rhyme until the contagion passes.

It only adds to your other main problem, which is throwing words at an image and keeping any that stick. You don't consider how they fit with each other.

Take bats' wings: you've come up with fluttering, flowing, flying, tickling, feathery, leathery, then in effect used all of them. But concentrate on the image. A leathery wing wouldn't tickle, though feathers would. You've moved the tickle down into the toes and renamed it a tingle, but it doesn't fit with the creepy sensation a leathery wing would give; I suspect you were really thinking of feathery. And though they would flutter, I'm not very sure they'd flow, and even if they did, it certainly wouldn't be a torrential flow. Bats' wings can rush by you, and torrents rush by, but that doesn't mean you can equate them.

The second line is about two syllables too long: coincidentally, the last two syllables are there for a rhyme. They also don't add anything else, since bats' wings fluttering past are undoubtedly in flight without your having to say so.

Rhyme is only suitable when you have balanced metre, not free verse as you have here. Near-rhyme is only suitable when you've established the metrical rhythm, which you haven't got here. It makes it look like you're rhyming cuttin' with ain't woith nuttin'.

So dump the rhyme. Dump the words that are just friends of words you actually want to use, along for the ride. And don't use poetic inversions unless you know why they're better in that place than plain English: why medals of gold rather than gold medals?

But wave-wet sand is good.

 

[Angeline]

Rainbow Skin--

I want to compliment your critique--really insightful, imho. Good writing is not about using a bunch of big or whatever words: it's about precision in matching the words to what you wish to convey so that your writer's vision is crystal clear to the reader. In poetry, this is done with images and metaphor that may or may not be aided by devices such as rhyme.

I find as a poet that as soon as I start consciously trying to be poetic I start losing the ability to do so. What helps the most is thinking about whether my word choices are logical in terms of an image I'm using--as in your point about bat's wings. It doesn't matter whether you're writing about something fantastical or even wanting to be oblique so the reader can interpret in various ways--the actual writing needs to be logical. That produces good writing no matter what the genre is.