Critique!

[bebhinn]

I would love to hear some constructive criticism on my first piece submitted to lit!

Madame and Eve

Thanks!

 

[PandoraGlitters]

There is good material here to work with. You set the stage in sentence fragments which gives it an "I'm setting the stage and about to tell a story" but in my opinion this goes on too long. This is because you begin with sense images and then shift to

Growing desperation based on pending excitement...
we stop, and stare up at the astronomical display in wonderment.

which is more vague. My chief criticism of the poem are these places where it is inexact. Astronomical display? Aurora Borealis? A few stars? I want to see what you see.

I liked

watch for a path...
do you see one?
There!

because it grounded me in the experience of the narrator.

Overall, if I were you, I'd focus on not overwriting. Tell what there is to tell with just a few strokes that are exact or vivid. Let us fill in the closets with the closed doors. No need to go too far in setting the stage.

I hope this was helpful. -- Dora