Critique wanted for unfinished story...
- Thread starter adidasv40
- Start date
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
I really liked this. I found it hard to read (see below) and wonder if other people would make the effort, but I think you've got something.
There’s a lot of really great stuff in here, in terms of imagery (“a kick stand in my mouth” the envelope without an address, and more) and detail (the business with the budweiser label &c.) and it’s certainly erotic enough. That’s very impressive, and the strength of those things alone I would hope you finish the piece.
Of course it needs proofing and editing, and there are some other problems, in my opinion. The main problem is the narrator. There’s just too much of him, and so the whole story is really about him more than it is about the sex. He gets in the way of the story.
This is apparent at the start, where we’re treated to a bunch of his opinions and thoughts to the point where what’s going on is kind of obscured. He hates driving, hates rednecks, wants to get laid, is nervous about it, is dissatisfied with what’s happened before… All this is okay to know, but it really gets in the way of the story. Like the scene in the sports bar. We really don’t need to know that the waiter was handsome, that the service was slow. We don’t even have to know why he wants her to take her panties off. I think we can figure out why he wants her to do that.
It gets to the point where she hardly seems like a person at all. He’s so busy telling us how he feels and what he’s thinking that she comes across as having the personality and presence of an inflatable love doll. How does she react when he blindfolds her? When he ties her to the bed? He doesn’t tell us. She hardly says a word throughout—there’s no real conversation –she just seems to lie there for him. Even when he pours hot wax on her your description of what she feels wanders off into his conjecture of what she feels. Hell, I’ll bet she jumps and cries out, or bites her lip, or something. We don’t get to see that, so it’s almost like she’s not there.
You have some really beautiful writing about sex, for instance when he’s thinking about how she must be focusing on the hot wax, and that’s very good, and it should stay in there. But the story always has to come first, and in this case the story is a description of what he does and how she reacts, full of the kind of detail that lets us see what’s going on.
As I say, I think you’re terrifically talented. To come up with imagery like you do is a real gift and something you either have or you don’t, and you have it. I just think you have to concentrate on telling the story.
Another word, this one more on mechanics: I think you have some trouble with paragraphing. Paragraphing is an art, and I’m of the opinion that, when in doubt, start a new paragraph. Having a lot of paragraphs actually makes a story more readable, lets it breath.
In your first paragraph, for instance, we have him driving around, thinking about things, and then thinking about sex. I would definitely separate the driving part from the thinking part. It’s easier to read that way, and it could help you organize his thoughts better so that he’s not all over the place.
This might help you rein in the narrator too. Let’s face it, the narrator is you, and you’ve got a lot of interesting things to say. Problem is, as all writers learn sooner or later, you’ve got to pick and choose what you do say and what you hold back. He shouldn’t really say anything that doesn’t have to do with the story at hand. Cutting back on some of his talking will make the things he does say stand out morem and we won’t feel so overwhelmed,
But overall, I think you really have a gift, and I look forward to seeing you use it.
Best,
---dr.M.
There’s a lot of really great stuff in here, in terms of imagery (“a kick stand in my mouth” the envelope without an address, and more) and detail (the business with the budweiser label &c.) and it’s certainly erotic enough. That’s very impressive, and the strength of those things alone I would hope you finish the piece.
Of course it needs proofing and editing, and there are some other problems, in my opinion. The main problem is the narrator. There’s just too much of him, and so the whole story is really about him more than it is about the sex. He gets in the way of the story.
This is apparent at the start, where we’re treated to a bunch of his opinions and thoughts to the point where what’s going on is kind of obscured. He hates driving, hates rednecks, wants to get laid, is nervous about it, is dissatisfied with what’s happened before… All this is okay to know, but it really gets in the way of the story. Like the scene in the sports bar. We really don’t need to know that the waiter was handsome, that the service was slow. We don’t even have to know why he wants her to take her panties off. I think we can figure out why he wants her to do that.
It gets to the point where she hardly seems like a person at all. He’s so busy telling us how he feels and what he’s thinking that she comes across as having the personality and presence of an inflatable love doll. How does she react when he blindfolds her? When he ties her to the bed? He doesn’t tell us. She hardly says a word throughout—there’s no real conversation –she just seems to lie there for him. Even when he pours hot wax on her your description of what she feels wanders off into his conjecture of what she feels. Hell, I’ll bet she jumps and cries out, or bites her lip, or something. We don’t get to see that, so it’s almost like she’s not there.
You have some really beautiful writing about sex, for instance when he’s thinking about how she must be focusing on the hot wax, and that’s very good, and it should stay in there. But the story always has to come first, and in this case the story is a description of what he does and how she reacts, full of the kind of detail that lets us see what’s going on.
As I say, I think you’re terrifically talented. To come up with imagery like you do is a real gift and something you either have or you don’t, and you have it. I just think you have to concentrate on telling the story.
Another word, this one more on mechanics: I think you have some trouble with paragraphing. Paragraphing is an art, and I’m of the opinion that, when in doubt, start a new paragraph. Having a lot of paragraphs actually makes a story more readable, lets it breath.
In your first paragraph, for instance, we have him driving around, thinking about things, and then thinking about sex. I would definitely separate the driving part from the thinking part. It’s easier to read that way, and it could help you organize his thoughts better so that he’s not all over the place.
This might help you rein in the narrator too. Let’s face it, the narrator is you, and you’ve got a lot of interesting things to say. Problem is, as all writers learn sooner or later, you’ve got to pick and choose what you do say and what you hold back. He shouldn’t really say anything that doesn’t have to do with the story at hand. Cutting back on some of his talking will make the things he does say stand out morem and we won’t feel so overwhelmed,
But overall, I think you really have a gift, and I look forward to seeing you use it.
Best,
---dr.M.
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
I just went back and checked, and I found this: Check out the penultimate paragraph for the "Friday" section; the paragraph that starts:
"Placing my lips upon hers and..."
Aside from her moaning (and her second moan is in passive voice), what does she do in this scene that an inflatable love doll couldn't do? Not a thing. She's hardly there at all. That's what I mean.
---dr.M.
"Placing my lips upon hers and..."
Aside from her moaning (and her second moan is in passive voice), what does she do in this scene that an inflatable love doll couldn't do? Not a thing. She's hardly there at all. That's what I mean.
---dr.M.
Similar threads
