Critique The Hunter: Vol 1

[Braxes]

FeedBack for The Hunter: Vol 1

Well I am reluctant to do this but I want to improve my writing and the only way I am going to improve is with outside opinions from others. But still I am surprised that out of all the stories that I have attempted to submit on this site. This is the one that actually was the only one that was approved and not shot down in few days.

Ok the story is non-human story the main character is Thellius he is a dragon trying to hunt in a type of modern city occupied by non human citizens.

I just want to try too iron out some of the flaws that might have not drawn my attention.

 

[Braxes]

http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=203641

 

[Braxes]

arrg no feedback yet!

 

[Hotcappucino]

Be patient, my man. I'll probably post something this evening (Pacific Time).

 

[Braxes]

ya pacific time here too. i was hoping to recive something sooner. especally when the thread had 35+ hits on it but nothing being said.

 

[Hotcappucino]

Hi, Braxes:

I like the general storyline; it's fairly creative. I also liked the imagery towards the end of the story. However, I think you need to work harder on the execution. What I refer to specifically is the technical aspects of writing. The one thing that stands out right away is the poor grammar and sentence structure. Take, for example, the very first sentence:

Thellius crouches atop a large hill the sun warming his black scales, he stretches his massive wings after the longest flight he has ever had in his lifetime.

This should be split into two separate sentences:

Thellius crouches atop a large hill, the sun warming his black scales. He stretches his massive wings after the longest flight he has ever had in his lifetime.

There are many other examples throughout the story. These sentences were especially perplexing:

His prey may have technology but Thellius species has been able to use more arcane abilities ever since he was a hatchling he could transform.

As Thellius decided on the shape he would assume he would rather choose a form that would be his standard from when wandering the city.

I know there are some people that would overlook things like grammar, spelling and punctuation, but I think the majority of your audience will pass the story up without giving it a proper chance if those items aren't mostly satisfactory. It just makes it more difficult to get into the rhythm of the story when one has to slow down and try and figure out what is being said.

About a quarter of the way through the story, it switches from present tense to past tense. And then in a later paragraph, the tenses are mixed (both past & present). It should be made consistent (and I think past tense throughout would be preferable).

One concept that I think should be changed is the "prey" species from being non-human to human. Other than some of the physical attributes of this species (fur, antlers, hooves, tail, etc), most of the attributes fit our human species, especially when the story associates very human slang (like pussy, cunt and fooling around) to them. I think making the prey species human will also allow the reader to identify more closely with them.

I can make a few more suggestions as far as fleshing out your story, but if you just make the effort to clean up the grammar, punctuation and spelling, that will go a long way to obtaining a much better reception.

 

[Braxes]

Heh I see what you mean I had a feeling the story wasn’t quite as top notch as it could have been. Ill try to correct my punctuation... I seem to have devolved this terrible habit of trying to stretch out my sentences.

Yes there where some points for trying to give the character some back-story I clearly stumbled a few times.

This first chapter has been quite troublesome I think there will be a few things I might remove because looking at it now there are parts that completely distract from the story. i was trying to cram too much into the first chater trying to explain everything about Thellius in the first 6 paragraphs while also trying to describe the city as well.


The tense problem I did realise after I submitted it and it was already approved before I could go back and correct it. That was my own mistake as I went back trying to fix some errors and add some more details.

Hmm I do see your point about the humans instead non humans part... it would not be very difficult to change since it really dose not play a very strong part of the story.

Hmm I might have to completely restructure the first chapter but I really just wanted to establish the character with it and give him some character plot was my main focus here not the erotic. Luckily the second chapter doesn’t suffer with this many flaws as getting close to submission.

thanks for the help oh and by the way i took a look at your great story. i loved it very intense and very discriptive but i could go on for hours about it... so a big thumbs up

 

[Braxes]

after a lot of thinking and brain storming. the original first chapter has been scrapped the new version is hardly going resemble the mistake thats was the original. It was my first real attempt at erotic non-human but a failed one. Unfortunaly though i was allready done my rough draft and half way to ironing out most of the errors of the second chapter when I came to this conclusion no worries though it made through the tranistion fine.

I have taken alot what you suggested Hotcappucino to heart as I have worked on the second chapter. And the polish of it is far more supperior. I must give you credit for the new first chapter though some lines of diolauge where inspired by your story. I thank you for this because im sure i would ahve stunmbled with my discriptions if it wasent for your story.

 

[Hotcappucino]

Well, first off, thank you for the kind words. And I appreciate you going back to re-work your story, not specifically because of any influence on my part, but because it seems you're sincere about wanting to improve your writing. I would say that most writers who post on this forum asking for feedback, especially first-time writers, don't go back to edit their stories. I don't know, perhaps in some cases it's an ego thing and they feel hurt by having other people dissect their "baby" and pointing out their "child's" flaws. They were probably looking for pats on the back and instead got "well, his ears stick out a bit, don't they?"

Or perhaps they found out that writing, like most things in life, takes real work to get better. Oh, there are those writers, whom I envy very much, who seem to effortlessly pop out really good tales. But I think for the vast majority of us, especially we whose last bit of serious writing was probably a one page essay in high school English, learning to write well can be a chore.

As far as my own story goes, I've probably re-submitted it five or six times, reworking different parts, changing things around, fleshing out some details, cutting down on others. During the last major re-write, I changed the tense of the entire story from present to past and expanded the dialog (what little there was). It seems that everytime I re-read the story (and that's been many more time than I thought I ever would), I find something I want to tweak. Even now I see a careless misspelling towards the end, and some of the writing seems rather corny.

Gettting back to your story, you mention adding some dialogue. I know the first story mentions Thellius not having any success learning their language over the course of a few days, so I wonder if you're planning on changing that, or are you adding dialogue between the two lovers in the park? I guess I can just wait until the next version comes out

Another thought about the story, how about changing the perspective from Thellius to one of his prey? That is, we can see what Thellius is thinking and feeling throughout the story, but maybe during the scene in the park you can switch perspective to one, or even both, of the lovers, to show us what they're experiencing as they're being attacked.

A final note. There are excellent Essays and How To's in the Writer's Resource page of this site. Take the time to read through there and you'll learn a lot (I certainly did).

 

[Braxes]

Well I look more at my stories like a car and I am its mechanic. Trying to fine tune its engine and keep it running smoothly. When I posted this looking for feedback I expected both good and bad comments. But I was looking forward to the bad ones. Because if the person who made the comment is kind enough to point out where I made my mistakes I can go back and fix what they found.

I enjoy writing stories but I didn’t really enjoy the editing part. It will always be a chore for me. But like all chores once you are done and look back at it you feel that you really made some progress.

I didn’t know you went through so many re-writes. In its current state it’s easily become on of my favourites. I look forward to another submission from you if you plan to craft another tale.

I can be pretty fast at coming up for ideas for my stories it’s just getting them out with some decent quality that’s the hard part. Right now my second chapter is in its third draft possibly its last. And I already have a few ideas for the third chapter.

The plan for adding dialogue will be inevitable as he immerses himself in human culture. How he is going to do it I haven’t decided but I have pushed back his abilities a little not allowing him to polymorph yet. It just seems too advanced for his level of skill yet. It also forces him to hunt at night and allows me to spend more time detailing the hunt and not having to bother talking about the city during the day.

I love the idea of changing the perspective to his prey when he picks them for his target. It’s like knowing the killers motive then switching to the victim as he stalks his prey. This is a very cool idea that must have to try. The how to suggestion really helped with my grammer thanks again for pointing that out! But now i belive my second chapter is ready for submission. But i am not sure if i should submit it yet. the changes i made would confuse some of the orignal readers. I might have to focus on the orginial first before i even think of submiting the second