critique of my story

[mistress_rane]

Hello to all!

Please bear with me since I am pretty new at all this forum and posting messages stuff. Forgive any little 'newbie' mistakes I might make.

With that disclaimer said and done, the reason I'm here is to tell everyone that I'd appreciate some feedback on my story. I've written a few things before but this is the first one that I have felt good enough about to post and see people's reactions to it. I'll gladly take any feedback anyone would have for it. I look forward to reading more from all the writers here and finally being brave enough to make comments on my own.

Here's the link to my story:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=85023

I hope everyone enjoys reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it!

Blessed be,

Mistress Rane

 

[mistress_rane]

ummm, did I scare everyone away or something? Just kind of wondering since some people read my original post but didn't say anything back. I apologize if I've offended anyone. All I wanted to do was ask for some feedback to help with my writing in the future. Like I said, anything would be greatly appreciated.

Mistress Rane

 

[mistress_rane]

guess I'm just being extremely paranoid.

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

 

[mistress_rane]

yippie! I got a response!

Thank you so much woodcarver! Have any suggestions to make it better the next time around?

Mistress Rane

 

[hiddenself]

I found it simply ok. The main idea of going from modern to medieval times is cool. But you fumble when you fail to use this trick to build up atmosphere. I mean, the castle and the people (clothes, mannerisms, routine) could contribute a lot of detail to spice up the sexual part. As it stands now, why is it any different from having happened in the here and now, or the Star Trek universe, or the Land of Oz? There is no uniqueness that stems from the teleportation to the Middle Ages.

Then, there's the dreaded tense switch. The first page is told in past tense, but suddenly the story switches to present tense. Sloppy.

You write well, although there are still a few problems here and there.

...flopped down on her sofa (which has seen better days)
"had seen" is the correct tense here.

But, with her wild riot of auburn curls dancing around her shoulders, her bright gray eyes, full, round, perky breasts, slender waist, curvy hips, and her long, lithe legs, no man was able to resist Raven's looks.
I loved some of the descriptives (wild riot, slender waist), but the whole thing is an overkill -- too much info. If you had dispersed the description in different sentences in two or three places in the story, it would have been much better.

"string of explicatives"
You must mean "expletives"? If you want to be fancy, you should be more careful, no?

All in all a decent effort, but there's lots of room for improvement (and you have the potential to improve I think).

hs

 

[mistress_rane]

Thanks gwh and hiddenself! I'll definitely take the comments and use them to write better. I think the tense change happened because I wrote the first part then put it away for a while. It's very possible that I didn't catch it 'cause I knew what it was supposed to be and must have superimposed it over what was there. <shrugs> Anyway...gwh, I promise I'll read your story and tell you what I think. I've been swamped lately but I will get to read it. Thank you both for the help. I'll definitely watch for those pesky tense changes next time. Maybe a I'll do a few revisions then repost it. Here's wishing everyone bigger and better stories!!

Mistress_Rane

 

[mysterylady927]

i just read your story, and just loved it.
keep up the writing,

dont stick it if you haven't licked it