critique me,,,,,

[Sircharles]

I have just posted my first two tales, I did not run them past an editor first alas, being new to this. I would dearly love a bit of feedback from the literary communitty here. Let me know what you think, or if you have an idea.
Charles,

 

[KillerMuffin]

For those of you having trouble finding them, Sir Charles wrote My Dream Cowgirl and Summer Rental.

I don't, unfortunately have time to give any thoughts now, but I will, if you want them.

Muff

 

[CRaZy]

Some thoughts...

I read My Dream Cowgirl. Here are my jottings.

The Good
You have a sense that imagery is important to the reader. You describe the sights, sounds, smells very effectively. I particularly liked
"the softest doeskin shoes, my feet melting silently over every root and rock on the path as I walked along."

I was not sure if the main character was a man or a woman at first. I liked this sense of mystery. It made me keep reading.

The story had a build up to the sex scene which allowed the reader to gain a sense of setting, time and place. I really liked this part of the sex scene. "I pulled back so the tip was just out, and waited. I heard her whimper, and in a tongue strange to my ears I told her to come to me. Not knowing if she understood I waited, my hand patting her wetness. She moved against the bonds towards me, slipping over my hard shaft, and back again." I thought that was very sweet.

Areas For Improvement
Some typos eg."some are luscious, and other are frightening." Other instead of otherS. It's not good to have errors in the first paragraph. Do put in apostrophes.

Some awkward sentence structures. At times, shorter, sharper sentences are needed. "Ahead where the path opened up I saw a wagon overturned and its canvas cover torn and smoldering, I stooped and proceeded silently to see what had happened." This needed to be two sentences. Another important sentence because it is part of the climax of the story is not quite clear. "Securing the rope to the tree, her body stretched out, leaving her bottom exposed." Which rope? The rope tying her hands? More description is needed so the reader has a clear picture of HOW she is tied etc. After all, this is why we read these stories.

More emotional involvement is needed. This story is romantic but isn't quite HOT. As a reader I need to know how he feels when he sees her rather than just "But her eyes were most fascinating to me, they were the gray of a wolfs. I looked for a while and decided she needed my help so I moved from the cover towards her." As a reader I need to be inside your head feeling the emotional pull this woman is having on you. Similarly, it is not enough for me to know, "She looked at my loincloth and stopped screaming." Did she blush? Was there still some trepidation in her eyes?

The ending is a little abrupt. I was left wondering how she got back to the wagon. I did like the welt on chest as evidence idea though. For some reason, I didn't picture your character having a shower (bathing in a stream?).

OVERALL
You have good control of many story telling techniques. You have a wide vocabulary and sense of pace. Just develop your characters a little further so readers can relate to the story more effectively.

 

[Weird Harold]

My Dream Cowgirl

Overall, a sweet dream sequence that just might not be a dream. A few punctuation problems, and a tendency to long sentences, but overall a well written story.

CRaZy said:
"Some awkward sentence structures. " and "More emotional involvement is needed. This story is romantic but isn't quite HOT. "

Word 97's Readability Statistics said: 5% passive voice sentences.

CRaZY"S observation and Word 97's count of passive voice sentences are related. According to Purdue University's Online Writing Lab, "...overuse of passive voice can make your prose seem flat an uninteresting."

By actual count, there were only three sentences that were in passive voice, but in a story this short (1017 words in 55 sentences by Word's count) just three passive voice sentences has a big effect on the tone of the story. When you add the lack of active voice to counterbalance the effect, (most of the rest is in neutral voice) you get a story that is very well written, but is just not compelling.

I also thought the story was a bit shorter than it needed to be. The ending felt "rushed" as if you weren't comfortable writing explictly about the sex.

A very good effort that is far better than most early attemtps. If you use more active voice in future works, and give as much attention to the sex as you did to dinner, you'll have astring of winners I look forward to reading.

 

[Whispersecret]

Summer Rental

Hot little vignette, there.

I saw many small things that, as an editor, I would have pointed out. I found missing commas that made a few sentences difficult to read. I had problem with the way you set up the dialogue. Despite a vivid vocabulary and some great description, you had a similarity of sentence structure that made the story feel a little monotonous. I would have worked with you on that.

In a broader sense, I think the lead-up was quite detailed and led me to expect a bigger payoff at the end. While I enjoyed the quickness of the "resolution," I think that if you had curtailed a lot of the travel description the piece would have felt more balanced. Or, you could have dragged out the meat of the scene where the two characters actually interact.

I usually like a lot of character development, but I was okay that this didn't have much. It didn't need it. However, I would have liked knowing her name. (I have a pet peeve about authors not naming their characters.)

Finally, when I masturbate with my fingers, penetration doesn't do it at all. All the action is around my clit. I think it's a common misconception among men that women finger-fuck themselves when masturbating. Then again, I could just be the odd woman who digs clit stimulation more than vaginal penetration with my thin little finger.

Good first effort, SirCharles. If you find a good editor, I think we're all in for a treat.