Critique asked and given.

[29wordsforsnow]

Thanks for all your advice. So, I put something like the following lines here and wait for the scorching?

--------------
Of Despair & Hope

...WHAT IF
the heavens are closed
the janitor gone
clouds of souls, stuck in line

stuck line, hordes of souls
What If
they wait in vain to see
the devil‘s show, taken off

taken off, to sit down low
gone down, to float aloof
what if
this is true

sins no more forgiven
since never been seen
thin‘s the meaning of
what if…

...What If
a simple smile
makes one laugh
and others too

to others and yourself
what if
a question no more
of relevance

of relevance
the time at hand
what if
no more

your friends, your love
in sight, embrace‘em tight
NEVERMORE
what if...

------------------
a short piece that came to my mind in a sad moment today

29*

 

[UnderYourSpell]

We did have a similar thread before but it's sunk, and I'm disinclined to go looking for it!
Are you still writing? I hope so. The challenges seem to have burnt out, but I want to write and I want your input. No rules here, like you have to critique before you can post. None of that shit, except saying something like "I don't like it" or even "I do like it"! is not enough! Why do you like/dislike it? Should something (IYO) be moved around, a better word used? Even "What are you trying to say?" Let's not be shy here, if you don't understand, say so!
When you post and there's something specific you need help with, ask that too including punctuation, spelling, grammar etc.
Any questions on this ask below, but please post poems old and new. Let's get writing in here again.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Ok, just written no editing, do your worst! I think probably the 'meeeee' is out of place .....yes?

He loves me, meeeeeeee!
All the beautiful bodies, soft breasts
here on show, temptation's bower, yet,
it's mine he comes to, to enfold him.
Whose heart is within my own
clichéd we beat as one, he and I.
Work worn hands, rough thumbs
across my clit, yet with tenderness,
gentleness of love, leading to teach
the longing for obedience, leading
with words poetic, his strength
takes but never forces, I submit
My Lord.
Willingly.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Ok, just written no editing, do your worst! I think probably the 'meeeee' is out of place .....yes?

He loves me, meeeeeeee!
All the beautiful bodies, soft breasts
here on show, temptation's bower, yet,
it's mine he comes to, to enfold him.
Whose heart is within my own
clichéd we beat as one, he and I.
Work worn hands, rough thumbs
across my clit, yet with tenderness,
gentleness of love, leading to teach
the longing for obedience, leading
with words poetic, his strength
takes but never forces, I submit
My Lord.
Willingly.

I hope this hasn't strayed too far from your intensions...………….

He chooses me.
Me!
Beautiful bodies, soft breasts
here on show, temptation galore,
and yet it is mine he comes to
to enfold.
He whose heart is locked
within my own, they beat as one.
Now his hands, roughened by work,
rasp doen my sides. thumbs
caress my clit with the gentleness
of love. Teach me, I beg, in my longing
for obedience, with poetry. His strength
takes but without force.
I submit My Lord.
Willingly.
_______
-

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I hope this hasn't strayed too far from your intensions...………….

He chooses me.
Me!
Beautiful bodies, soft breasts
here on show, temptation galore,
and yet it is mine he comes to
to enfold.
He whose heart is locked
within my own, they beat as one.
Now his hands, roughened by work,
rasp doen my sides. thumbs
caress my clit with the gentleness
of love. Teach me, I beg, in my longing
for obedience, with poetry. His strength
takes but without force.
I submit My Lord.
Willingly.
_______
-

Thank you, is that 'rasp down' in the 10th line?

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Thank you, is that 'rasp down' in the 10th line?

Yes, that would make more sense.

 

[Tzara]

Ok, just written no editing, do your worst! I think probably the 'meeeee' is out of place .....yes?

He loves me, meeeeeeee!
All the beautiful bodies, soft breasts
here on show, temptation's bower, yet,
it's mine he comes to, to enfold him.
Whose heart is within my own
clichéd we beat as one, he and I.
Work worn hands, rough thumbs
across my clit, yet with tenderness,
gentleness of love, leading to teach
the longing for obedience, leading
with words poetic, his strength
takes but never forces, I submit
My Lord.
Willingly.

Well, the idea of suggesting edits is not to do one's worst, but to try and improve the poem. But I will "do my worst" by suggesting you cut the first six lines; they aren't relevant to the poem's basic thematic concern, which I think is the sexual description, which encompasses the (i.e. your) lover's actions and your implied response. So, as a first edit, this:

Work-worn hands, rough thumbs
across my clit, yet with tenderness,
gentleness of love, leading to teach
the longing for obedience, leading
with words poetic, his strength
takes but never forces. I submit.​

I would also chop off those extraneous words at the end (I do note that, given the nature of the poem, appealing to one's lover may not be extraneous to your relationship. The lines are, I think, extraneous to the poem).

You may note I also changed the punctuation slightly.

Slap an appropriate title on that and I think you have a poem.

But, you know, just my opinion.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Well, the idea of suggesting edits is not to do one's worst, but to try and improve the poem. But I will "do my worst" by suggesting you cut the first six lines; they aren't relevant to the poem's basic thematic concern, which I think is the sexual description, which encompasses the (i.e. your) lover's actions and your implied response. So, as a first edit, this:

Work-worn hands, rough thumbs
across my clit, yet with tenderness,
gentleness of love, leading to teach
the longing for obedience, leading
with words poetic, his strength
takes but never forces. I submit.​

I would also chop off those extraneous words at the end (I do note that, given the nature of the poem, appealing to one's lover may not be extraneous to your relationship. The lines are, I think, extraneous to the poem).

You may note I also changed the punctuation slightly.

Slap an appropriate title on that and I think you have a poem.

But, you know, just my opinion.

Thank you, I like that. Title? Hmmm I'm terrible at those. I'll have a think! Willingly?

 

[Tzara]

Thank you, I like that. Title? Hmmm I'm terrible at those. I'll have a think! Willingly?

Titles are, I think, really important but also really hard to produce. I would spend some time thinking about your poem in its present state:

Work-worn hands, rough thumbs
across my clit, yet with tenderness,
gentleness of love, leading to teach
the longing for obedience, leading
with words poetic, his strength
takes but never forces. I submit.​

and concentrate on its particular qualities. For example, the first line, "Work-worn hands, rough thumbs" suggests that the lover is someone with a manual job--mechanic, carpenter, or something like that--which might lead to some ideas about an appropriate title. Also, you being English, that suggests a class distinction--that the lover is probably not some snooty Oxbridge type.

Yet, this person seems a patient teacher, gently bringing "you" (narrator) along in your mutual sexual exploration.

So perhaps think about that when coming up with a title.

 

[Tzara]

Of Despair & Hope

...WHAT IF
the heavens are closed
the janitor gone

Hi, 29.

I've previously talked about on your "texts" thread why I think mucking with fonts (size, bold, color) is a bad idea, so I'll assume you have my comments on that and can ignore them if you wish.

I think the main problem I have with this poem is that I don't feel anything reading it. Whatever you're trying to say, you haven't evoked any emotion in me about your subject, possibly because your writing about it is too abstract--you're being, I don't know, theoretical about your topic or something. There's nothing for me to attach to emotionally.

One of the problems I have in my own attempts at poems is a lack of emotional connection, so I empathize with you on that.

I want to ask you, though (and this is a question I often ask poets here), what poets have you read?

Do you have any models you are trying to emulate? That would help me understand where your writing is coming from.

In any case, thanks for being bold enough (and confident enough) to ask for comment. Not everyone does.

 

[29wordsforsnow]

Hi Tzara

Many thanks for your open words. I never was really satisfied with that one, esp. the second half.

Well, the basic idea was 'Don't think too much about abstract afterlife matters, but life in the present and take care of your loved ones and friends'...

I agree, that the format doesn't really transport the emotions that the way of saying 'what if' should insinuate to the reader. I think, I return to the desk and put the 'what if's into a refrain with a supporting line describing the way it's said, yelled, whispered, questioned etc.

To be honest, I haven't been an avid poem reader in the past decades, just some rare occasions included in novels. But, actually, I do enjoy to have a look to different poets here on Lit, esp. the forum. So, thanks for all the good examples! I try to work on my style...

29*

P.S.: critique taken, words stripped to core, and redressed:

In Despair & Hope

What if?
bellowed against the silent rows
made the corpulent walls tremble
and the oppressive roof shake

What if the heavens are closed
and the caretaker is gone
who will invite my darling
to step inside

What if my tear would miss
the ashes in my hand
and hit the crust of dust
on the cold stone floor

What if I see her again
among clouds of souls
stuck in line before the gates
tickets of innocence in hand

What if I will be stuck
in lines with hordes of souls
never to see the devil’s show
taken off the program long ago

What if I...what if you
a soft voice rang my bell
enfolding my grieve in balm
closing fingers around mine

What if you take my hand
and leave with me, this land?

What if I show you a sky of blue
where answers are still true

What if we forget those two words
and push away what hurts

What is my reward to show you
where your love can rest, and you too

What it felt like to pass those doors
oh, my, like heaven down on earth
her gesture more than a thousand words
sung in repetition any given Sunday

What in my heart that moment broke
was a heavy burden left on the floor
a stop stone to mind the weak
the world outside, is for you

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Hi Tzara

Many thanks for your open words. I never was really satisfied with that one, esp. the second half.

Well, the basic idea was 'Don't think too much about abstract afterlife matters, but life in the present and take care of your loved ones and friends'...

I agree, that the format doesn't really transport the emotions that the way of saying 'what if' should insinuate to the reader. I think, I return to the desk and put the 'what if's into a refrain with a supporting line describing the way it's said, yelled, whispered, questioned etc.

To be honest, I haven't been an avid poem reader in the past decades, just some rare occasions included in novels. But, actually, I do enjoy to have a look to different poets here on Lit, esp. the forum. So, thanks for all the good examples! I try to work on my style...

29*

P.S.: critique taken, words stripped to core, and redressed:

In Despair & Hope

What if?
bellowed against the silent rows
made the corpulent walls tremble
and the oppressive roof shake

What if the heavens are closed
and the caretaker is gone
who will invite my darling
to step inside

What if my tear would miss
the ashes in my hand
and hit the crust of dust
on the cold stone floor

What if I see her again
among clouds of souls
stuck in line before the gates
tickets of innocence in hand

What if I will be stuck
in lines with hordes of souls
never to see the devil’s show
taken off the program long ago

What if I...what if you
a soft voice rang my bell
enfolding my grieve in balm
closing fingers around mine

What if you take my hand
and leave with me, this land?

What if I show you a sky of blue
where answers are still true

What if we forget those two words
and push away what hurts

What is my reward to show you
where your love can rest, and you too

What it felt like to pass those doors
oh, my, like heaven down on earth
her gesture more than a thousand words
sung in repetition any given Sunday

What in my heart that moment broke
was a heavy burden left on the floor
a stop stone to mind the weak
the world outside, is for you

Even in it's edited form, I don't think it needs so many 'what ifs'. Really it depends if you're writing for yourself or for a reader, because I as a reader find they distract too much away from the message.

 

[MissingDiamond]

This made me pause and think - thanks for sharing.

 

[29wordsforsnow]

Nature vs. personal level

Thanks for all the critique on 'What if!' I'm still working on a different version of that.

Meanwhile I worked on something else. I was thinking of something that connects what goes on outside and 'inside', i.e. on a personal level of two lovers. My question is, does it work or does it feel more like a disturbance? Would some introductory lines help to suggest the connection?

Here's one of five sets of 'seasons'. Two verses about nature wrapping a personal one.

---------------

(illustration [like the one attached] accompanying each 'season')

exposed to March’s first golden light
all frozen tears have passed away
the last remnants of six-legged white
reveal the broken hearts’ decay


I feel the warmth, your smile so bright
It stirs my mind with joy and need
It’s time to catch a Romeo
The bait of lust I need to lay


the fields of love, swept long ago
now short of use, they long to feed
placed in the furrow, it will grow
the newly sown, soon sprouting seed

--------------------

Thanks for all your thoughts and comments in advance.
29*