Critics Welcomed!

[JAYCE73]

Hello all. I am new to this site, and just submitted my first story. It is in the erotic coupling cat., and the title is Marie.
I would like some feed back, on it and how and what I can do to make the rest of my sotries better.
I will be submitting more, with my main caracter Marie in it, and my backdrop will and continue to be the NYC.
Just looking for constructive, critcism. No BLOOD LETTING.

Thanks Jayce19

 

[the_bragis]

Feedback

Hi JAYCE73,

You silly boy, you forgot to include the link for your story, but don't worry I managed to track it down. Here it is for anyone else interested in a hot little read.

Marie, by JAYCE73

I have just finished reading your story. It's good. I enjoyed it. I am not an expert or an editor but I am happy to give you my thoughts.

This is what I noted as I read:

There are couple of small typos/spelling mistakes.

Your story is good, but cluttered with a number of superfluous words. It's not a big deal, however, it just slows down what would otherwise be a smoother read. Take the first paragraph:

It was so hot, that even the weather-man on television had no adjectives to use in describing the temperature. It was also one of those days though, that despite how hot it was, you just needed to get out of the house. Living in New York City, no matter what the temperature is, you can find something to do. For me, it was finding new restaurants to eat at. But this day, I was just in the moods for a good spare-rib dinner, and were else can you find such a place, but in Harlem.

Adjectives always describe, so there is not need to say it twice. Restaurants are always for eating at. Little things like this will bog your reader down. It will often make the difference between a good read, and a great read. A 'tighter' story is always better, I would have liked something like this perhaps.

It was so hot, even the weather-man on television had no adjectives for the temperature. It was also one of those days though, that despite how hot it was, you just needed to get out of the house. Living in New York City, no matter what the temperature is, you can find something to do. For me, it was finding new restaurants. I was in the mood for a good spare-rib dinner, and were else can you find such a place, but in Harlem.

You get my drift? I noted much of your story could have been 'tighter'.

What the hell is wrong with me? I should by now have a wife and kids, or at least a girlfriend. I don't know, I just don't know.

Nice. It gives a good feeling of frustration.

I'm not the type of guy that goes around fucking everything in a skirt.

Woh!... You're one in a million. ~laughing~ 'just kidding!

I have a nice personality, but yet no woman catches my eye.

It could be just me, but this to me sounded contradictory. (No 'but' needed either.)

As I stood there thinking, this young woman walks down the steps of the station, she wore a very short skirt, and one of those handkerchief tops. She had long curly hair, her skin was naturally tanned, and smooth to the eye. She also wore a pair of open toe sandals, her toes were well done in a French stile, I don't know what to call it. From her physical look, I knew right away, that she was Puerto-Rican. Let me tell you, I love Puerto-Rican woman. There is just something about their look, but it just make me so weak.

Careful here, you're changing tenses in the first sentence. This paragraph to me too, seemed to need a few other little changes. Something like this perhaps:

As I stood there thinking, a young woman walked down the steps of the station wearing a very short skirt, and one of those handkerchief tops. She had long curly hair that feel on her naturally tanned skin. Her open toe sandals were done in a French style, I don't know what to call it. I knew right away she was Puerto-Rican. Let me tell you, I love those women. There is just something about them that just make me so weak.

On the story side of things, this woman did seem to change her mind very quickly about you. I mean she went from 'get the hell away from me' looks, to very co-operative touchy feely extremely quickly. You seemed to go from a shy inverted guy to a red hot lover in a matter minutes too, but hey it's your fantasy.

Even though I really don't think the people would have given a damn, if we just got naked and fucked, IT' NEW YORK!

As a sick little bunny, I gotta love this line!! .

Woman will give you anything if the know or even think you have some money.

'sorry, but as a woman reader, i gotta hate this one!! Remember half your readers are women, so please be careful with lines like that one (and a couple of others).

Now the sex scene in the cab, damn it if I had blinked I would have missed it. There was a missed opportunity for some really hot stuff. Descriptions, dialog, sex, sex, and more sex next time. Please!

who ever invented the tongue ring was a perverted genius,..

This is a good line, it conjured up all kinds of ideas in my warped little mind.

Her bare flesh made a squeaking noise as it moved up and down on the wall.

Excellent! What a red hot image!

I always feel much more involved when I read what he said...what she said...etc, so I would like to have read more dialog. Others, however may disagree.

You know what I found really interesting about this story? It was like sex with someone for the first time. It felt a little bit awkward and uneasy to begin with, then as it unfolded, it just glided along in a most enjoyable manner. I love the ending too, it's quirky and unexpected.

Overall, it's a good read, and especially for your first attempt, very good.

I wish you well with your future writing. Readers seem to appreciate on going stories. I am sure yours will be well received.

Have a great day now,

Alex (fem)

B and me, our fantasies