Criticism (probably!) before next project...

[Crescent_Flame]

Hi there,

I haven't posted much on these boards (yet) but I hope some of you may be able to spend some time providing me with constructive feedback on the linkies below.

Whilst I'm not new to reading erotic fiction, and I'm not new to writing in general, I am certainly new to writing erotica, and it seems to be a different game entirely for me to write an erotic story that is both plausible and readable.

I have created three chapters of a 'story' in the lesbian sex category, with links provided below. I say 'story' as, whilst the first chapter does have character introduction and development of a kind, that is not the immediate part of my writing I wanted to flex and test in these stories - it was more the sex 'scenes' themselves and how I portrayed the realism of the characters there.

If I have that 'nailed' so to speak, then I'll be moving on to a slightly larger project along a fantasy theme.

Any and all feedback on the stories below to allow me to improve style would be greatly appreciated.

As a quick note as well - whilst the stories below are narrator-led and first person, my next project will be in the third person (much easier to craft character development that way IMO!)

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Thanks all

 

[starscape]

Giving your thread a little bump...

Well, I read Chapter 1, and I must say it was really quite good. Many of your paragraphs are rather long, and could stand to be split up a bit, but your writing has a sensual quality to it that built up anticipation in this reader's mind. Here are a couple of examples of sentences I thought embodied that quality:

I retreated from her office with a mix of excitement and dread, with a pounding in my heart like a schoolgirl with a crush, and a fire between my legs that no amount of wetness was putting out.

I told my groin to calm down, and tried not to smell the DKNY that flavoured her wrists.

I enjoyed the character development and plot. I thought you portrayed Keara's torment quite well and felt as though I could see into her mind. Dialog, including internal dialog, came across as natural and true-to-life.

I did notice a couple of times in your dialog where I wasn't exactly sure who was talking because you did not identify the speaker. Like here:

"Don't stop working. But if you want me to stop, just say."

"I think you're going to have to let me do it to you, first..."

I figured out eventually that it was Cathrin and Keara, respectively, but I had to stop reading the story and go back to the previous paragraph to be sure, which interrupted the flow for me. I don't think you always have to (or should have to) say, "she replied"(for example) with every line of dialog, especially when you have otherwise made clear who is speaking. But I would be cognizant of whether or not it is going to be clear in your reader's mind.

As far as the sex scenes go, I found the passage where Cathrin is massaging Keara pretty effective; you did a good job, again, of building anticipation and I got a sense that Keara's crotch was just boiling under that treatment.

However, when it actually came to Cathrin eating out Keara, it all seemed over so quickly and, well, pardon the pun, a bit anti-climatic. It was like you spent all this time building up excitement for "the main event" and then it was like "she came and it was great. The end." I guess as a reader I was hoping to see more of that sensual detail you used so effectively earlier on applied to that scene.

Your story did "hook" me enough that I will read Chapters 2 and 3 sometime; when I get around to it I will try to remember to vote and post feedback too (at the end of the actual story instead of this thread). You're quite a talented writer.

 

[Crescent_Flame]

Thank you for the feedback

On a re-read, I wasn't sure how 'rushed' some of the sex scenes were given the detail of the build-up, but you've confirmed that for me. It possibly could be a lot less 'wham-bammy' on a rewrite, but this is where the writing practice comes in, I suppose!

Thanks again.