Cries Of Shadows

IMsoBRAM

Virgin
Joined
Sep 8, 2004
Posts
29
I know I'm kicking a dead horse here, and that my stuff is bland and shallow, but i want advice, and i wanna soak up as much as possible, so I'm posting the things that i believe to be my best

CRIES OF THE SHADOWS

In a world where
darkness screams
In a land where
no light beams
In a hell where
I am king
In a land
I've never been

My own foul tales
spun in darkness
My own foul cries
too hard to harness

Happiness seems so far away
I know it may return
not this day
I try and try to have
hope in the dark
I lie to myself
I can fix my broken heart

In my world
I lose my mind
In my land
I'm so confined
In my hell
I am not God
In my land
I'm just a fraud

Happiness is so far away
It will return
But not this day
I will for once find
hope in darkness
I will mend
the broken hearted
I will lend
a broken hand
I will save you
if i can
I will let my
screams ring clear
in my world
set free of fear

In a world
Ive lost my mind
In a land
I've been confined
In a hell
I have found God
In a land
I'm still a fraud


let me know what you all think guys

JD
 
Slow down dude! The horse isn't dead.

However, you have two poems that you're presently tinkering with, and a bunch of advice about how to tackle it. I understand the thirst and eagerness, but I have to start by asking this:

Does any of the advice, thus far given, apply to this poem? If it does, then do a little more work, and ask again...

...after all, fair is fair!

One important thing!!! As long as you consider your stuff bland and shallow, you will continue to write bland and shallow stuff.
 
The only problem i have is NO i dont think its bland, i just get told this a lot...i always love what i write, but its when i write this moodier stuff that my stuff comes off bland, i usually write a bit more upbeat rock'n'roll-y goofy shit, and every once in a while i wanna be a bit more serious, and apparently im not pulling it off as well as I'd like...I do look at this with the advice you have given, but find myself unable to find a better way to say it... perhaps i am simply doomed

JD
 
You're not doomed. You just need to take a break.

Go smoke a doobie, or drink a couple of beers, or watch a porn tape, or go for a walk. It doesn't matter.... just take some time to catch your breath.

Then, and only then, sit down in front of a blank screen and write the shit out of a new poem!
 
thats good advice, i think ill go get high haha, thats always good for some writin anyways

JD
 
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