Couldn't find the funnies thread

[starrkers]

And wanted to share:

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.

 

[australwind]

You're right, Starrkers - however I would qualify this and make it "only in Queensland!"

 

[sexartist]

LOL!
Brilliant.
Absolutely fucking brilliant.

 

[amicus]

Ah! Caught me! Love that! Thank You!

amicus...

 

[Carnevil9]

A good story indeed, but I've also seen it posted as "Only in Arizona!" and as "Only in Key West!" It's an urban legend.

 

[starrkers]

A good story indeed, but I've also seen it posted as "Only in Arizona!" and as "Only in Key West!" It's an urban legend.

I'm sure it is. Doesn't lessen the humour though

 

[matriarch]

The most unwanted gift???

Dear Diary,

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Carlo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Carlo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with curly hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Carlo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring! Carlo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Carlo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Carlo's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Carlo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Carlo put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Carlo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Carlo was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Carlo took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that Carlo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little bastard. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Carlo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the DAMN barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Carlo left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

 

[matriarch]

And wanted to share:

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.

I love these 'true stories'.......which pop up all over the place, with slight modifications.

You might find this interesting.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Dear Diary,

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Carlo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Carlo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with curly hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Carlo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring! Carlo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Carlo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Carlo's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Carlo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Carlo put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Carlo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Carlo was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Carlo took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that Carlo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little bastard. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Carlo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the DAMN barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Carlo left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

This was pretty funny, Mat, but are you saying you were a high school cheerleader at the age of seven?

 

[matriarch]

The inimitable Tommy Cooper and his sense of humour....

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died."
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said "You are."
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night