Could use an assist

[paddypan]

hello all,

I've posted many pics on the forum through the years but have never really sought any advice or guidance. On occasion, my wife will indulge my dominant tendencies and allow for some role play. In the past, this has consisted of a language protocol, such as she is to refer to me as Sir. I will order her to serve me a beer then maybe perform a lap dance, then instruct her to shower and sit on a chair in the middle of the bedroom, lights off, as I slowly drink my beer and watch TV. As subtle as it may be, it seems to have the effect of further displaying who's in control. sometimes I'll make her wait only five minutes, sometimes 15-20. Upon my entrance to the room, I'll typically perform a brief inspection, i.e. did she shave her legs, is she wearing lipstick, is her pussy wet, etc. I'll ask a series of questions to gauge her compliance and submission. From there, I'll normally order her to her knees on a pad on the floor and tell her to suck.

I'll be presented with another such opportunity soon, and while I don't want to overthink it, I'd like to be as prepared as possible. I only provide the above anecdote to show what I've done previously as a reference. I'd like to explore deeper domination and specifically servitude on her part more so than tying her up and whipping her ass red (although that thought inspires as well!).

Not looking to be full time Dom, but rather perhaps some ideas and advice for these occasions.

Thoughts?

 

[Farawyn]

Have you spoken to her about it?
Her possible limits, etc.?

 

[paddypan]

Have you spoken to her about it?
Her possible limits, etc.?

in detailed specifics, no. in general I know most of her limits- no anal sex, no grabbing her chin, and no face slapping. To keep the spontaneity of it, I've not discussed with her limits in advance....for better or worse.

 

[HisArpy]

You need to talk to her and find out her level of willingness to submit to you. This is more than knowing her sexual limits. It's about her mind and feelings and sense of self.

Remember, it's about BOTH of you. What she wants/needs is as, or more, important than what you want.

Editing here:

Sometimes it's VERY difficult to talk to your partner. Especially a long term partner. Mostly because the sort of thing you need to talk about means that you have to open up your inner self to inspection by someone who thinks they already know everything about you. Surprise.

From there; a lot of people won't talk about their fantasies, no matter who asks. Even something as simple as "I'd like to try something different" goes nowhere. Or worse, goes someplace you never intended the conversation to go. Sometimes you have to explore without any roadmap, compass, or street signs only to discover a hidden fantasy after everything is over and done. Just because one of you won't (or can't) talk about it.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't try, just realize that you may not get any answers. If that's the case, then you need to slowly branch out into other areas where your partner seems willing to go. For instance, in this case, maybe a blindfold would be another step forward. Because submission is a willingness to yield control to someone else, a blindfold could help to find out how willing she is to submit.

 

[paddypan]

You need to talk to her and find out her level of willingness to submit to you. This is more than knowing her sexual limits. It's about her mind and feelings and sense of self.

Remember, it's about BOTH of you. What she wants/needs is as, or more, important than what you want.

Editing here:

Sometimes it's VERY difficult to talk to your partner. Especially a long term partner. Mostly because the sort of thing you need to talk about means that you have to open up your inner self to inspection by someone who thinks they already know everything about you. Surprise.

From there; a lot of people won't talk about their fantasies, no matter who asks. Even something as simple as "I'd like to try something different" goes nowhere. Or worse, goes someplace you never intended the conversation to go. Sometimes you have to explore without any roadmap, compass, or street signs only to discover a hidden fantasy after everything is over and done. Just because one of you won't (or can't) talk about it.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't try, just realize that you may not get any answers. If that's the case, then you need to slowly branch out into other areas where your partner seems willing to go. For instance, in this case, maybe a blindfold would be another step forward. Because submission is a willingness to yield control to someone else, a blindfold could help to find out how willing she is to submit.

well said, I appreciate the thoughtful response. I have used a blindfold and even tied her hands to the chair, left that detail out, and she's been comfortable with that. I guess I've followed the "slowly branch out" method thus far maybe as a cue from her, as she tends to prefer that it just play out rather than it being orchestrated. I've gotten only positive response up to this point, our intimacy and closeness improves after these sessions, and I'm wondering what might be a good next small step to introduce. I've considered both sexual and non sexual additions/challenges that would push her comfort zone just a little- perhaps it's a household chore with a time limit, subject to my inspection, or being ordered to deliver her worn panties to me prior to her shower. something to keep the momentum moving forward but not push the envelope to far...

 

[submit4pleasure]

Some things you might try

Telling her the night before what time to wake you in the morning with a blowjob

Leading her around on a collar and leash

Having her wear a remote controlled vibrator that you control and she can only cum with your permission

 

[paddypan]

Telling her the night before what time to wake you in the morning with a blowjob

Leading her around on a collar and leash

Having her wear a remote controlled vibrator that you control and she can only cum with your permission

love those ideas submit, thank you- all doable I believe.

 

[submit4pleasure]

You're welcome
Happy playtime!

 

[DVS]

Every couple should talk out what their desires are and then go from there. Each partner is entitled to their share of the satisfaction. It's not just one person controlling and the other submitting, without any say in what happens. While that might seem like what happens, the truth is the submissive is more in charge than the dom is.

The submissive says yes or no to anything the dom wants to try. The submissive is NOT forced to do anything she doesn't want to do, just because the dom wants to do it. Sure, this includes the limits she has set, but it also includes the acts that do or do not happen and how and when they happen.

Talk things over and decide on what each of you enjoy and find a common ground to venture into. Both of you should enjoy it. Both of you should gain satisfaction from it.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Have you thought is using a BDSM checklist for inspiration and for conversation? That should give you a lot to talk about and work on

Or one of my favourites, the Sex Map Love this thing!

 

[SalvDali]

Every couple should talk out what their desires are and then go from there. Each partner is entitled to their share of the satisfaction. It's not just one person controlling and the other submitting, without any say in what happens. While that might seem like what happens, the truth is the submissive is more in charge than the dom is.

The submissive says yes or no to anything the dom wants to try. The submissive is NOT forced to do anything she doesn't want to do, just because the dom wants to do it. Sure, this includes the limits she has set, but it also includes the acts that do or do not happen and how and when they happen.

Talk things over and decide on what each of you enjoy and find a common ground to venture into. Both of you should enjoy it. Both of you should gain satisfaction from it.

^

My wife and I keep a Journal. We write back and forth to each other. Some things are easier to write than to speak.. then you also get to take your time when you respond. Sometimes it is hard to respond when a question or request is unexpected. For us at least this has helped to open many doors and has become our form of negotiations. At one point I made a list of things I was interested in or willing to try and she was to cross off any that were NO and circle any she particularly liked.

 

[SalvDali]

Have you thought is using a BDSM checklist for inspiration and for conversation? That should give you a lot to talk about and work on

Or one of my favourites, the Sex Map Love this thing!

I really like the map. I need to utilize this.

 

[paddypan]

Have you thought is using a BDSM checklist for inspiration and for conversation? That should give you a lot to talk about and work on

Or one of my favourites, the Sex Map Love this thing!

that's awesome, thanks for the tip!

 

[subsarah]

Inspection position

It is crucial to have discussions between partners so there are only good surprises. If she likes inspections though. I'm required to be on all fours with my knees on two stacked sofa cushions and my elbows On the floor. My legs are to be spread as far as the cushion allows with my back arched. This puts all of my physical intimacies on display as he comes in the door. I'm required to remain still and quiet (as best I can). He decides how long I wait before he comes in the room And how much time he spends "admiring" touching probing or spanking. It is incredibly erotic and safe to be so exposed and submissive without any bondage. As far as anal goes he does get me aroused to the point that iam begging for a finger to go anywhere just to be touched.