Could really use some advice from my old (and new) friends...

[HottieMama]

Hi everyone! As some of you know, I have been with my Hubby/Dom for just over four years. The Dominance has been off and on, but in general we are trying to make it work. We are both poly, and I am bi. My ideal situation is my Hubby and a girlfriend in two SEPARATE relationships. About two months ago, a long-time (4 yrs) friend and I began pursuing a romantic relationship. She is one of my best friends, and in fact I have mentored her on many of the mental/emotional parts of this life. She is a Dom leaning Switch. (Bear with me this is all important...) She lives about 6 hours away, but we talk several times a day, and spent 3 days in June together. We basically planned to spend a weekend or two a month together for now. She has made it very clear that I am the "little letter" in this relationship. TOTALLY new territory for me as I have never in my LIFE submitted to a woman on any level. However, when we were together face to face it worked out really well...

Fast forward to last week...

I have some random shit going on in my life. I am not comfortable talking about it with anyone at this point. She basically tells me that I NEED to talk to her, that she doesn't feel like this relationship will work if I can't talk to her comfortably. I agree, but it's still impossibly hard. I do not trust people easily, and especially don't trust while I am being pressured. I got extremely upset, and broke things off with her last Tuesday. That was the WRONG decision. I still want to be with her. I love her and I know she loves me. I am just not used to dealing with her as a Dominant/girlfriend. I am not used to how her mind "works."

We have talked every day since then. She knows I want her back, and love her. She has stated how much I hurt her, and that she still loves me but needs to figure things out for herself. She feels that by me getting to the point that I broke up with her, she failed... I think I am just as much to blame, if not moreso. She is still planning on coming to visit for "her weekend" in July.

My question is...Where do I go from here? What would you do in my shoes? She is the piece of my life that I have been looking for for a long time. I know I fucked up. I don't know how...at this point...to show her that I know I made a mistake, that I am sorry, and that I want to make "us" work.... Furthermore, HOW would you handle this visit in July if we are still at the unsure/friends stage at this point?

Any and all opinions are appreciated...

 

[CutieMouse]

My first thought is that this is one of those moments where you hold onto the 4 year friendship you had prior to becoming lovers. You have that foundation; take advantage of it.

BTW my definition of "take advantage of it" = take a step back, continue seeing one another monthly, continue talking every day, but take a romantic step back. Focus on being there for one another - be a safe place to work through the confusion and hurt and changes that this little hiccup created, and let things come back to center/evolve organically.

BTW - My best friend and I have known each other almost 15 years, spent a few months as lovers ummm... 8-ish[?] years ago, went back to being best friends, and ended up living together for like 4 years (even though I only meant to stay for 6 months LOL). Now we're getting used to having to schedule bagels and/or margaritas once a month to stay in touch, because we're used to always just BEING THERE with one another, and this two houses thing is blissfully different.

Relationships always find their level.

 

[HottieMama]

Thanks Cutie!!! (BTW...HI!!!!!!!!!!)

I *think* that's what we are trying to do. That in and of itself is hard because the talking every day and monthly planned visits started when we were a "couple." Things were less frequent before then. So it's the "mind-fuck" of...we're still acting like when we were together...but we're not...or are we and just not making it official again yet... *insert Hottie's overly analytical brain*

I'm still pondering how to handle 3 nights in a hotel with her if we are NOT lovers at that point. (The sexual attraction is huge between us, but at this point it could never be a "friends with benefits" type of thing....)

 

[marieR19]

I have some random shit going on in my life. I am not comfortable talking about it with anyone at this point. She basically tells me that I NEED to talk to her, that she doesn't feel like this relationship will work if I can't talk to her comfortably. I agree, but it's still impossibly hard. I do not trust people easily, and especially don't trust while I am being pressured. I got extremely upset, and broke things off with her last Tuesday.

This sounds very, very familiar to me. I have trust issues in relationships, and sometimes with people in general. And my ex never understood it.

I think that, whatever you decide to do relationship-wise, you need to talk to her and try to help her understand where you are coming from with the whole "not talking about it" thing. Sit down and have a nice open talk, try to explain to her how it feels when you are pressured to talk about something that you aren't ready to talk about. Explain to her why it makes you so uncomfortable, and explain to her that pressuring you to talk isn't a good way to get you to talk.

I don't know how well that kind of conversation will work in your current situation with her, but I do think it's important that she knows so this sort of thing doesn't keep happening.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I am not so sure you did the wrong thing. Many of us have problems when pressured, and will react to it in various ways. As you know, trust is earned, and takes time, not demanded..and this has likely put your trust back a few steps. Though you have been friends for 4 years, you have moved this relationship to a new status only recently, and so trust has to be built in that new context, not demanded.

All that being said, it sounds as if you both still want the relationship to continue. I would suggest keeping the weekend in July, but making no demands of each other, nor expectations, and see where it goes from there. It may take the whole weekend to talk about what happened and why, how you both felt and feel, how the hurt can heal, and how you will move forward and grow as a couple. It is good you have kept communication going, I have no doubt you will both reach a solution which workd for everyone.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

See my recent post under "Tell me something about yourself" for info about me.
From this great distance, the limited info you provided, and my limited experience in relationships, but with my understanding of the Master/slave relationship, I would be a fool to give you any advice. But I am a fool so here goes-- [This should also apply to Dom/sub and Top/bottom ones too, but less so.]
Part of the fantasy is the idea that the slave holds nothing back from her/his Mistress/Master. Everything is willingly given [or on Gor demanded and taken]. You found it 'impossible' to share your problems wih your new PYL when she asked you about them. Depending on what she feels about the fantasy this could have been profoundly disturbing to her. She probably feels that she failed you because she did not approach you in the proper way to get you to be able to share them with her. The perfect Dom/Mistress/Top would have been able to see the right way to reach your heart and draw them out of you. You did fail her because you did not give ALL to her, you did not trust her fully. At least this is what the fantasy says.
The story I rcommended, "The Vassal Academy", has a sub-plot or better 'scene' that illistrates what I mean. Diane became the 1st new house slave of the Academy and loved it. She was trained for 6 mo. and she thought she was doing very very well. She loved all the Masters/Mistresses, and gave everything she had [love, body (all holes), heart, mind, and soul] to the Masters [they say Master simgular]. Finally in her graduation ordeal she had to face the only thing that she had not yet given, and remember she thought she had given ALL. She realized that she still kept her fears for herself, and when she gave them up too and just trusted the Masters she found the 'ordeal' to be a wonderful reward.
But remember-- fools rush in where almost everyone else here has held back. I hope you found this useful.
I still recommend that story to everyone in the BDSM scene. But only 29 have read my post on the subject and no one has posted back [yet]. So I don't know how my idea has been recieved [yet].

What you will find is that real life is vastly different to fantasy/fiction, and usually more difficult than depicted in the latter. While fantasy usually(not always) presents perfect scenerios populated by perfect beings, life is rarely like that and perfection is just a myth.

Catalina

 

[HottieMama]

I am NOT a slave. While I fully respect that type of relationship, it is not for me. I don't see that I failed her in precisely the way you described, Steve. I did the best I could at that given moment when it came to being open with her. Where I failed was "leaving" the relationship suddenly and without any warning or any chance for her to "fix" things before they got to that point. Fuck the dynamics of it all. I owed the woman I love more than that!

As for the story, while I assume it is lovely, I prefer to live my life real-time as opposed to through pornography, erotica, or otherwise online.

 

[HottieMama]

I'm ambivalent about this whole situation right now. We're still talking every day, and according to her we are going to have a talk "about us" over the weekend when she isn't as busy. (single mom, full time job...etc..) Maybe it's because I have so many real worries and concerns right now, but I just don't give a shit! If we get back together, fine...If we don't..I think I'll be ok with that too. Perhaps it's the "distance" of not "being together" for the past nine days, but I am no longer looking at this whole situation, or the idea of it, with such rose-colored glasses...

 

[subwannabe]

I think you are trying to over analyze the whole thing. Maybe you both needed to take a step back, take a short break, and just see how things play out. Real people date for a while before making any great commitments. I think you're trying too hard to jump to step 10 when you're only at step 3. Take it one day at a time and go through the steps one by one. If you get to 10 then you do, if you don't then you don't.

 

[Lilith]

I'm still pondering how to handle 3 nights in a hotel with her if we are NOT lovers at that point. (The sexual attraction is huge between us, but at this point it could never be a "friends with benefits" type of thing....)

Do you think you can honestly resist? I have a feeling that the weekend will spur things forward and that will push you past this issue. It sounds like both of you have to much emotionally at stake to ever be just friends w/ bennies.

 

[HottieMama]

Ok..it's been a bit and I feel the need to update all of this. We talked...at length...about us and what went wrong. We're still talking. In the course of those discussions it became clear that she wanted to resume some of the D/s aspects of our relationship. In the past 2 weeks, she has asked me to completely many "deep thought" emotionally based writing assignments, as well as adhere to certain rules regarding my behavior towards her. I have done all of this to the best of my ability. It isn't good enough. Everything is met with a negative critique. It is never "right." She says I need to prove myself to her. The problem is, I don't know what MORE she wants me to do. Also, at this point I feel like I am proving myself for nothing. All I want is to hear her say, "when XYZ happens we will get back together officially." She hasn't...even while knowing that security is so important to me. So there is no definitive end to this challenge...and I don't think I care to continue anymore. She stresses that the "blog" and "rules" are for me and not for her... Ummm...NO. I am doing it because it is what you asked of me. Trust me, I would rather not spend an hour a day pouring my heart out into my laptop. I would rather not have to restrain myself and bite my tongue to keep from telling the woman I love that I love her....etc..etc... NONE of this betters me in any way at this point. All it has done is make me angry, and resentful. I dread talking to her at times. I dread hearing one more word about how I am not doing good enough when I know I am doing my fucking best. I am tired of crying and feeling like I have nothing to offer her that she actually wants. I am over it. She is coming here for a visit in 10 days, and I am especially not looking forward to that at this point. Hearing how I am "failing" over the phone and email is one thing, having to hear it face to face is too much for me to handle. I couldn't have sex or play with her right now. Insecurity/fear has run rampant over those desires as well. If I don't feel safe emotionally, I can never feel safe physically...

I think it is time for me to let go. After four years of friendship, I am sad that it has come to this.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I have a bad feeling that she wants to say "No, this is not going to happen" but can't bring herself to "be so cruel" so she's taking you on a bullshit journey hoping you'll magically get it.

Passive aggressive Dom FTW.

You might need to be the one with the cojones and let her know before she turns up-- that she cannot expect any interpersonal engagement from you.

Honestly, Valium for you right now? Keep you too flat to respond to her while she's there? Could be the best relationship tool ever.

You deserve SO much better.

 

[BiBunny]

I've been down this road, HM. It'll never get better; as long as someone like this sees that you'll jump through her hoops, you'll have to keep jumping, higher, longer, and more often. And never once will it ever be enough. You'll be angry, resentful, and bitter all the time, and people will stop wanting to be around you because those feelings do eventually bleed over into your interactions with other people.

This type of person will never specify *exactly* what she wants. It'll always be something vague and open-ended. That way, no matter what you do, she can always blame you for not doing it the "right" way. It's setting you up to fail, so she'll always be in the "right," and you'll always be in the "wrong."

Take a fool's advice and quit while you're ahead. Narcissists, like assholes, will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

 

[CutieMouse]

BTDT love... with a few years of wasted energy and not nearly enough happy memories to show for it.

If it were the me of today talking to the me of several years ago, I'd suggest canceling the visit.

 

[subwannabe]

You both really want different things and it will never get better. You need to write this relationship off. She wants more than you can give and neither one of you is going to change or accept what the other wants.

 

[HottieMama]

I have a bad feeling that she wants to say "No, this is not going to happen" but can't bring herself to "be so cruel" so she's taking you on a bullshit journey hoping you'll magically get it.

Passive aggressive Dom FTW.

You might need to be the one with the cojones and let her know before she turns up-- that she cannot expect any interpersonal engagement from you.

Honestly, Valium for you right now? Keep you too flat to respond to her while she's there? Could be the best relationship tool ever.

You deserve SO much better.

I have the same feeling actually, Stella. It's like she knows this isn't going to work, so she is going to "prove" that to me by this random bullshit.

I think it's time for me to truly tell her how I feel. Not this deep, emotional tripe that she likes me to write about, but the raw, emotionally charged, anger fueled brain dump that she DESPERATELY needs to hear. If nothing else, I will feel better when I am done. I will feel more like myself and less like this worthless shell she seems to want me to be. Perhaps I will blog it...LOL...that way she can see it clearly in black and white and I won't retreat at the sound of her voice.

Oh...and I WISH I could have some Valium... Unfortunately, they are on my no-no list.....

 

[HottieMama]

I've been down this road, HM. It'll never get better; as long as someone like this sees that you'll jump through her hoops, you'll have to keep jumping, higher, longer, and more often. And never once will it ever be enough. You'll be angry, resentful, and bitter all the time, and people will stop wanting to be around you because those feelings do eventually bleed over into your interactions with other people.

This type of person will never specify *exactly* what she wants. It'll always be something vague and open-ended. That way, no matter what you do, she can always blame you for not doing it the "right" way. It's setting you up to fail, so she'll always be in the "right," and you'll always be in the "wrong."

Take a fool's advice and quit while you're ahead. Narcissists, like assholes, will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

So, BiBunny... I see you have been with her before too??? Seriously, what you posted is exactly how I feel and exactly what is going on...

 

[BiBunny]

So, BiBunny... I see you have been with her before too??? Seriously, what you posted is exactly how I feel and exactly what is going on...

*Snort*

"She" is every insecure, insane bitch on the planet.