parker1256
Virgin
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- Dec 21, 2010
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C
Here it i
Here it i
Last edited:
Could my story get you off????
- Thread starter parker1256
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soflabbwlvr
Literotica Guru
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It was a little mild for me--all foreplay, no climax. Will there be more?
Lady_Fiona
Just me....
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I agree with the above comment. Sorry honey, wheres the ending? Its like turning off a thriller just as its all coming together. Even if its a 2 parter, theres no cliffhanger to make people want more.
Oh, Parker.
Yes, it is a bit too tame. And the ending is rushed. They mutually climaxed from just making out?
Huh?
And one more thing? - ? - it's called a question mark. When someone asks a question, it should be a the end of the sentence. I may be guilty of minor GPS errors myself, but you've got more than your share, for realz.
Proofread, my man! Proofread!
Yes, it is a bit too tame. And the ending is rushed. They mutually climaxed from just making out?
Huh?
And one more thing? - ? - it's called a question mark. When someone asks a question, it should be a the end of the sentence. I may be guilty of minor GPS errors myself, but you've got more than your share, for realz.
Proofread, my man! Proofread!
mynameisben
Half man, half-wit
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Maybe at gunpoint.
1sickbastard
Seriously?
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No.
Be more descriptive. Adjectives and adverbs can be your friends. Don't rush for an ending and don't be afraid to let your imagination run riot.
And do try and find and editor, if possible.
However it was pretty well written, overall. Keep at it!
Be more descriptive. Adjectives and adverbs can be your friends. Don't rush for an ending and don't be afraid to let your imagination run riot.
And do try and find and editor, if possible.
However it was pretty well written, overall. Keep at it!
No, not at all. And like sr71plt said, it's something that the preteen crowd would like. It's pretty tame.
1) Making love to a banana? Weren't they just bj-ing the thing? Though I have to admit the idea isn't too shabby. I almost felt annoyed at how you skimmed over this potentially hot situation. Can anyone say two girls, one banana?
2) You have details, but you're putting some of the details to the wrong things. Seriously man, I don't need to know Dana was wearing Juicy Couture.
3) You're skimming over the good parts! The reason we're here is we want the good stuff. We want to know exactly what about sucking off the banana turned the girls on, HOW THEY GOT TO CLIMAX (because you're killing us here, that's what we were wanting to hear)-- that kind of stuff.
But other than that, it's a good start to a story. It just needs a little adding to here and there.
1) Making love to a banana? Weren't they just bj-ing the thing? Though I have to admit the idea isn't too shabby. I almost felt annoyed at how you skimmed over this potentially hot situation. Can anyone say two girls, one banana?
2) You have details, but you're putting some of the details to the wrong things. Seriously man, I don't need to know Dana was wearing Juicy Couture.
3) You're skimming over the good parts! The reason we're here is we want the good stuff. We want to know exactly what about sucking off the banana turned the girls on, HOW THEY GOT TO CLIMAX (because you're killing us here, that's what we were wanting to hear)-- that kind of stuff.
But other than that, it's a good start to a story. It just needs a little adding to here and there.
Your grammar and punctuation were horrible. Get a proofreader. Those things are fixable.
There was NO story. Girls sucking bananas? Wiggling and climaxing? Rewrite it and spice it up a bit. Honestly, it sounds as if a 14 year old wrote it. Are you 14?
There was NO story. Girls sucking bananas? Wiggling and climaxing? Rewrite it and spice it up a bit. Honestly, it sounds as if a 14 year old wrote it. Are you 14?
orgamimime
Literotica Guru
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I really liked how you helped the reader experience what the characters were feeling.... I think it's a great first effort. Some editing never hurt anyone. I would be more than happy to help if you're interested. 
Keep writing Parker!
Keep writing Parker!
removed021712
Literotica Guru
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I think this criticism is pretty rough. I thought it was great, although, I would not have gotten off to that story. I think it jsut needs to be finished. It's a fabulous beginning!
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