CoolSwastika story link and comments sep 2012

[coolswastika]

I would like to have my story "Passion In The Dark" critiqued here: http://www.literotica.com/s/passion-in-the-dark

 

[anon606]

English isn't your first language.

1st paragraph ( P ) - salient should be somnolent.

13th P - shish kebab suggests a very painful act, and much of what is on one is vegetable. Something else, please.

23rd P - having her be a virgin adds little and demands additional suspension of disbelief later.

24rd P - a shriek would bring family, and quickly.

32nd P - noise again. He's been wearing an oxygen mask, so he's not 'jumping' on or off of anything.

33rd P - noise again. I think you meant 'thrust', not 'throttle'.

35th P - 'plopping' suggests something has been dropped. replace.

A human succubus in training. Cute.