Conversation With His Penis

[Ms. Jones]

“Now listen here,” I said to him.
“We need to get things straight
a little help is all you need
but you must learn to wait

There’s a time for your pleasure
it’s usually right before me
then I’m left with nothing
an empty void of ecstasy

So let’s have a little chat
a tutorial on what I need
I’m long past the time when you
are there for just your seed

I don’t expect a stallion
we’re not in some kind of race
I don’t mind if you wear rubber
I’ll still be wearing lace

Take your time, there is no rush
we ease slowly into the game
give me time, I’ll take you in hand
but you must do the same

If you’re very good you see
a kiss I’ll plant on your head
I only ask that afterwards
you sleep on the wetspot in bed”


**
I've been reading here all day so it's with a great deal of trepidation that I post this. Be kind, I'm a virgin after all!

 

[OT]

Some good raw material

On the plus side, the tone, material and form matched (this rhyming format is well suited to light hearted fun). I was amused, which I assume was the intent of the poem.

On the down side, I think you could scrub it a bit to make it less forced and fix some of the bumps in meter. Some lines are borderline "Yoda Speak" (unnatural order of words to squeeze them in). For example:
"If you're very good you see
a kiss I'll plant on your head"

Would you ever say that out loud to someone? Can you reword the same idea and make it sound natural ?

Welcome to the board and don't be shy about posting.
We are all just readers with opinions.

 

[WickedEve]

When I first read this, it reminded me of some of the rhyming poetry I wrote when I first came here almost 2 years ago -- it even has the "punchline" with the wet spot.
Anyway, there's nothing wrong with fun poetry like this. If you spend some time on the poetry board, you may end up taking this same idea and eventually creating a more polished piece.

 

[Ms. Jones]

Thank you for your input!!! I really appreciate the gentleness in your critiques.

 

[perks]

OT, gave an excellent critique; I'm not sure I have anything better to add.

I enjoyed the poem, the flow was a bit off, as was said. In some places, because your syllable count for each couplet doesn't match, the rhyme sounds forced.

I don't think that the actual rhyming words are the problem, I believe the problem rests solely on meter.

I had no problem understanding your perspective, and it was cute, straight forward.

Instead of reading it, try saying it out loud, you'll be able to notice the stops and stutters.

Once you fix those, it'll be a solid poem.

 

[weed]

Hello Ms. Jones

I thought your poem was refreshing.

It flowed fine for me

The only awkard moment being

'an empty void of ecstasy'

but I wouldn't take it personally

when we're all playing in a land of fantasy.