Contribute a favorite joke or two,,, I know ya got 'em

[CW]

Just a place to lighten up everyone's day or night,,,

Clean, dirty, truth or fiction,,, no matter, make a contribution,,,

And if this has been done before, then too bad,,,, cause we're doing it again,,,

My favorite clean joke,,,

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding,
and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there,are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of
circle flies".

So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're
almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

 

[Juliangel]

Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends. You order what you want,
then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.
-----------------
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married
the wrong man."
------------------------
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You
know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied,
"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
-----------------------
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband
wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-----------------------
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and
said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother
replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
-----------------------
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better
revenge than to let her keep him.
------------------------------------------
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The
rest cheat in Europe. * Jackie Mason
=======================
Man is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is finished.
-------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it
cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know
son, I'm still paying."
----------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
-----------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my
husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you
married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A
billionaire."
-----------------------
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is
that you never get to prove it."
-----------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
-----------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
-----------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
-----------------------
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you
start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so
does she.
----------------------
During a heated spat over finances the husband said,
"Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean
this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot
back "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we
could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
-----------------------
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about
marriage is that as both husband and father, I can
say anything I want to around the house. Of course,
no one pays the least bit of attention.
------------------------
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most
married men fantasize that their wives aren't
fantasizing.
-------------------------
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
-------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
-------------------------
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way
to get your laundry done free.
-------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
--------------------------
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is
packing your parachute.
--------------------------
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
---------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are beautiful.

 

[forgetunome]

THE BAT

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep.

However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," shouted the bat, "because I didn't!"

 

[Juliangel]

somewhere I have the Southern Edition too. Will see if I can find it tomorrow.

Windows 98

WinIt has come to our attention that a few copies of the Brooklyn version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside New York. If you have one of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Brooklyn edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.

~It reads WINDAS 98 with a background picture of the East River with a floating body. It is shipped with a 'NYPD BLUE' screensaver.

~Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled 'Garbitch'

~My Computer is called 'My Freakin Computer'

~Dialup Networking is called 'Good Fellas'

~Control Panel is known as the 'da Tote Board'

~Hard Drive is referred to as 'da trunk', and...

~Floppies are them 'little Freakin plastic disc tings'.

Other Features:

~Instead of an error message you get a winda covered with steel bars and Grafitti.

~OK= do it I tell ya
~Cancel = hell no
~Reset = dis is ya last chance
~Yes = a kay
~No = na
~Find = turn dis place ova
~Insert = stick it in dere
~Delete = rub it out
~Help = can I get some help here
~Stop = ya betta quit it
~Start = let's get a move on
~Settings = da Fix
~Programs = stuff
~Documents = stuff dat I already done

Also note that windas 98 does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to windas 98:

~Secritary = A word processor
~Pitcha maker = a Graphics program
~Numbers = calculator
~Scratch paper = notepad
~Boom-box = CD player
~Da Web = Microsoft Explorer
~pitchas = A graphics viewer
~IRS = M/S accounting software
~IRS2 = M/S accounting software with hidden files
~Bookie = Race track records tax records..usually an empty file
~graffiti = screen saver
~Red Light District = Internet connection
~Vinni's = Discount computer repairs

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Brooklyn edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

 

[Guest]

 

[Mackdoggy_77]

Old Mother Hubber went to the cupboard to get her dog a bone, but when she bent over I took over, and gave her a bone of my own!

 

[CW]

Q: What is an Arkansas fortune cookie?
A: A biscuit with a food stamp inside.

Q. What do women and spaghetti have in common?
A. They both squirm when you eat them.

Q: Did you hear about the new douche they've made for women?
A: It's made of Marijuana, Arrid Deodorant, and Kentucky
Fried Chicken. It leaves you high, dry, and finger licking
good.

Q: Why is sex is like software?
A: For every one who pays for it, there are hundreds getting
it free.

Q: What's the difference between golf and sex?
A: One bad hole in golf won't kill you.

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and
getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: What's the first sign of AIDS?
A: A severe pounding in the ass.

 

[MADDOG]

Juliangel... would it be fair to say that you are slightly sceptical when it comes to marriage?

 

[Juliangel]

Juliangel... would it be fair to say that you are slightly sceptical when it comes to marriage?

Maddog I have been married to my highschool sweetheart for almost 12 years now. Just thought the joke was cute.

 

[FlamingoBlue]

An old man is crossing the street....

He gets hit by a bus and does a double flip and winds up sitting on the curb brushing himself off. A man rushes over to him and asks " Are you doing okay"? The old man says, " Well, I make a living".

blue

 

[#1derfulGuy]

THE 1st IS FROM A CHRIS ROCK SHOW; THE OTHERS FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

Earlier this month, hip-hop performer Sean "Puffy" Combe donated thousands of dollars worth of brand new computers to the California Education System to be installed in the public schools. (Audience applaude then fade) But not to be undone, hip-hop performer Old Dirty Bastard went to Radio Shack and shoplifted an extension cord.
************************************************************
Q: Did anyone hear about the car accident that nearly took the life of Lorraina Bobbit?

A: Some prick cut her off.
************************************************************
A man wakes up from a 4 hour surgery and tells his doctor, "Doc, something's wrong. I can't feel my legs."
Doctor tells him, "That's because I amputated your arms."
************************************************************
Three gay men are standing near the coffin of their friend at his funeral. One of the gay men says, "I want to get him cremated and spread his ashes in my garden because he loved the roses that I grew." Another one says, "I'm getting him cremated and spread his ashes in my living room because he used to love how well I designed it". The last gay man tells them, "No way girls. I'm getting him cremated so that I can throw his ashes in a large pot of chilli and he can tear my asshole up one last time."

 

[ManOSafety]

Let me try

A dog with three legs walks into a saloon in the old west, sitting down at the bar. The bartender looks at this dog, a bit surprised to see a dog with three legs sitting at his bar, but especially since this dog was a stranger to these parts.

"Are you new in town?" He asks the dog.

"Yup."

"Gonna be moving here?"

"Nope."

"Meeting somebody?"

"Nope."

"Then what are you doing here?"

The dog looks at him, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

[Vi]

The real story of EDEN

After God made heaven and earth, he made the animals. His best was his last and he called it woman. Woman was happy to be in such a wonderful place, but she was unhappy about having 3 breasts. The center one pushed the outter ones to the sides and they got in the way of her arms as she walked. She asked God to fix the problem and he quickly removed the center breast and tossed it aside. Woman was happy again, except she noticed that the other animals all had partners. Again she asked God to fix this problem. God said he could make her a mate, but would need a part of her body to use for a start. God looked around and found the useless boob.

 

[forgetunome]

http://us.f7.mail.yahoo.com/ym/ShowLetter/RABBIT.JPG?box=Sweetie&MsgId=9829_1635551_21490_673_86310_0&bodyPart=2.2&filename=RABBIT.JPG&YY=62301&order=down&sort=date&pos=0

 

[forgetunome]

Words For 2000

"Zenned It"
To figure out something by a sudden flash of
enlightenment as in, "I don't know how I knew that, I
just zenned it."

"Blow a Buffer"
Euphemism for spacing out or losing one's train of
thought. "I blew a buffer, and now I can't remember
what I was gonna say."

"Vulcan Nerve Pinch"
From Star Trek and is the act of hitting the
Ctrl+Alt+Del keys to reboot your computer

"Blamestorming"
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was
responsible.

"Starter Marriage"
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with
no kids, no property and no regrets.

"Prairie Dogging"
In companies where everyone has a cubicle, something
happens and everyone pops up to look.

"Generica"
Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions... as in,
"We were lost in generica that I couldn't remember
what city it was."

"Percussive Maintenance"
The fine art of whacking a device to get it working.

"Ping Me"
To get a hold of as in, "If I don't answer my phone,
ping me with an e-mail."

"Yuppie Food Stamps"
Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.

"Irritainment"
Annoying but you can't stop watching, e.g. Jerry
Springer.

"High Dome"
Someone who is a scientist, has a PhD or is just
really smart.

"Square Headed Girlfriend"
What else? A computer!

"Treeware"
Manuals and documentation.

"Batmobiling"
Putting up emotional shields as in, "She started
talking marriage and he started batmobiling."

"Meatspace"
The opposite of cyberspace, the real world.

"404"
Clueless as in, "I read the memo and I'm 404." Comes
from an internet error message given when a page is
not found.

 

[naudiz]

So there are two gay guys lying on the grass. Suddenly, a golf ball lands between them. The first guy says to the other guy "Quick! Pretend that the ball hit you so we can sue the golfer!" A moment later, the golfer appears. "Hey! You hit my friend with your ball! We're going to sue you!"

"You can suck my dick," replies the golfer.

"Quick! Wake up! He's willing to settle out of court!"

-----

A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says: "Single, Huh?"

The guy chuckles sarcastically and grins, saying: "How'd you guess?"

To which the clerk replies: "Because you're so freakin' ugly."

-----

Two brothers, aged 8 and 10, were always playing pranks and getting into mischief. When things went wrong in town, at school, at fairs, and at church, they were inevitably behind it. Their parents were beside themselves with anxiety. What if their children should "step over the line" and get in trouble with the Law? They decided to send the boys to talk with the pastor of the church, a Bible-thumping, God-fearing, pulpit-pounding Rock of Ethics and Values.

The 8-year-old had the first appointment, walking the four blocks from home to the church. When he sat in the chair across from the pastor's desk, the pastor regarded him with a deep scowl, and after a minute said, "Young man, Where is God?" The boy remained silent in his chair. The pastor raised his voice. "Young, man, I said, where is God?" Still the boy remained quiet, but his eyes widened, and he swallowed nervously. The pastor leaned over his desk and yelled, "Young man, I asked you a question! Now where is God?"

In terror the boy leaped from his chair, ran home, vaulted up the stairs to his bedroom, and hid in his closet. The 10-year-old, hearing the noise, ran into his younger brother's bedroom and found him shivering in the closet. "What happened?" he said, starting to get scared himself.

"Oh, man, we're in deep trouble," said the 8-year-old. "God's missing, and everyone thinks we did it."

-----

The History of Medicine:
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.

-----

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sets down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."

-----

The department store clerk showed this guy the store's most expensive perfume, saying, "This is called 'Perhaps," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per ounce."

"Listen," the guy shot back, "For $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'....I want something called, "You Can Bet Your Happy Ass You'll Get Some!"

-----

Q. Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
A. They all have phones.

-----

A guy walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap for underwear. The psychiatrist took one look at him and said, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

 

[Comshaw]

The newlyweds had just gotten to their honeymoon suite when the husband locked the door turned to his new wife and said, "We need to get something straight right now."
He quickly pulled off his trousers and threw them to his bride.
"Put those on!" He demanded.
His bride was puzzled but did as he ask.
She stood holding the too large pants up as she said, "I can't wear these, they're too large."
"And you remember that, too!" Here husband said.
A frown crossed his new wife's face. A moment later she quickly pulled her panties off and threw them at her husband.
"Put those on!" She said.
Her groom stood with the small, lacy pair of panties hanging from his fingers and said, "I can't get into these!"
His wife smiled as she said, "And your not going to until you change your attitude!"

 

[Comshaw]

God was giving Adam and Eve their last instructions before sending them to the garden.
"Before I let you two go I have a couple of things left I need to past out." God said. "The first is the ablity to standup to pee, who would like that?"
Adam started jumping up and down waving his arms shouting,"ME! ME! I WANT IT!"
Eve said nothing, so God gave Adam the ablity.
God turned to Eve and said, "Honey, I'm really sorry, but all I have left is multiple orgasms---"

 

[jcgirl]

Little Johnny at The Nude Beach

Little Johnny and his parents went to a nude beach. As Little Johnny

walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the women had breasts

bigger than his mother's, so he asked her why. She told her son,

"The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Little Johnny, pleased with the answer, went to play in the ocean but

returned to tell his mother that many of the men had larger members than

his dad. Little Johnny's mother replied,

"The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with the answer, Little Johnny returned to the ocean to

play.

Shortly afterward, the Little Johnny returned again. He promptly told his

mother,

"Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks,

the dumber he gets."




*God I love little Johnny jokes!*

 

[forgetunome]

jcgirl...

ROTFLMAO

That is hilarious!!!!

 

[Ticklish Girl]

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


[Edited by Ticklish Girl on 11-27-2000 at 06:56 AM]

 

[TN_Vixen]

Re: Let me try

A dog with three legs walks into a saloon in the old west, sitting down at the bar. The bartender looks at this dog, a bit surprised to see a dog with three legs sitting at his bar, but especially since this dog was a stranger to these parts.

"Are you new in town?" He asks the dog.

"Yup."

"Gonna be moving here?"

"Nope."

"Meeting somebody?"

"Nope."

"Then what are you doing here?"

The dog looks at him, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

LMAO. I loved this one

 

[insideShiraz]

In the Ass to Boot...

A girl needs to borrow 450 dollars from her Dad for a Prom dress, which he says he'll do in exchange for a Blowjob. She finally agrees.

Upon sucking Daddy, she exclaims, "Daddy, you taste like Shit"! He replies...

"Yeah, your Brother wanted to Borrow the Car"...

 

[Purple Haze]

>Subject: Politics
>
>
>> > > A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
>>
>> > > Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
>>
>> > > I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
>>
>> > > Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we
>> > > call her the Government.
>>
>> > > We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call
>> > > you the People.
>>
>> > > The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
>>
>> > > And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
>>
>> > > Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
>>
>> > > So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what
>> > > Dad has said.
>>
>> > > Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so
>> > > he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has
>> > > severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his
>> > > parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
>>
>> > > Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
>> > > Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and
>> > > sees his father in bed with the nanny.
>>
>> > > He gives up and goes back to bed.
>>
>> > > The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
>> > > "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
>>
>> > > The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words
>> > > what you think politics is all about."
>>
>> > > The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the
>> > > Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
>> > > The People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

 

[minx]

A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his
computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter a
password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband is in a rather amorous mood and figures he will try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when
the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious
to his wife that he is keying in "penis"...
His wife nearly falls off her chair from laughing so hard when
the computer replies:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***