Contracts: Thoughts, feelings, impressions?

[surrenderedfaith]

Contracts: Thoughts, feelings, impressions, experiences?​

This is a topic I've rarely seen discussed around these parts. I'm sure there are a few people who have had some experience (positive or negative) with them. I'm curious about those experiences.

If you have ever negotiated a long term D/s, M/s, or S/m contract:

What did you like about the process?
What would you have done differently?
Do you feel it helped or hindered your dynamic?
Did you use a premade contract, write your own, or adapt one to your purposes?
Was there anything you specifically included you really loved how it was done?
Was there anything you wish you had not included?

Anything else you'd like to share?

For anyone who has not gone the contract route:
Any reason you havent?
Would you if given the right circumstances?
Anything that would be really important for you to include?



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Humor is a big thing for me, so while the idea of a contract is one that I do gravitate towards, it's something that would have to toe a fine line between reverence and humor.

I've been dancing around this thought for a while now and I like the concept of spending time as a partnership writing this. I like the idea of having to sincerely sit down and be very honest with eachother about wants, needs, and expectations. Yes, we do this with negotiations as well (those are a verbal contract after all), but I find comfort in something to fall back on and count on.

I really like the concept of a contracted period which is then open to renegotiation from one or both sides.
I like many of the ideas presented in the first ten minutes here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbuRNL1uGkg
(she takes 600 tangents, but she gets there eventually).

One of the reasons I'm drawn to the idea is also the dependability.

The thing that i would absolutely find necessary from my own end is that there be a clear exit procedure. I will never intentionally put myself in a situation that I can just be **dropped** (well I CAN but it shouldn't happen) again. So this would need to lay out a few if/then scenarios so that I have a really clear picture of how things could go down. implicit in that is the concept that so long as I hold up to my end of the expectations that I wouldn't find myself in that situation.

I found my own "oh hell no" clause a few days ago and the vehemence with which i reacted internally surprised me. I had read through quite a few online and ran across one that was a Master/slave contract which stipulated that the relationship was intractable by the slave, but could be terminated at any point and for any reason by the Master. (ick but ok) But it doubled down to state that since the slave had relinquished all personal property upon entering the relationship, upon release the slave would be returned freedom of her own person and only that. Any other possessions would be dispensed of to the former slave at the discretion of the former Master.
Oh my lord did I flip out at that. Granted, i would never ever enter into a contract of that variety with someone I did not trust with my very life, but at the point things are being terminated... if it came to that... I would not think it at all wise to rely on someone's good nature and graces :/

So that ended up in a rather heated debate and a lot of emotional angst which was... in the end resolved of all things, with a sock (Harry Potter) . Oh the irony, and the humor ^___^.

In the end, I'm not sure if this is a direction I'll ever actually go, but I'd like to hear y'alls experiences and thoughts!

 

[cookiecat]

When I first got in to the kink world, the idea of a contract was intensely appealing (as in, it got me really wet). The thought of giving up this level of control in a very specific way got me hot and bothered.

I was in a two year M/s relationship but we never had a contract. I was really new. I thought it was thrilling I had "no limits" and just said yes to whatever he wanted. Which was pretty much the case UNTIL I was presented with something I could not do. Hard limits! They're a good thing to think about before you get in to a situation.

The only time I really had a contract - and that was pretty loose - was when I was involved in a poly relationship. As you mentioned, surrendered, this relationship was all about sitting down on a weekly basis, discussing what worked, what didn't, who was doing what with whom. It was all about being open and that gave me a lot of reassurance. The odd thing is, he cheated on me.

So now, I'm not about specifics, contracts, rules. Life is too undependable, too chaotic. My husband and I had pretty clear D/s roles and rules. When life threw us a huge curveball, 99% of that went out the window. It left me adrift. I will never put myself in that situation again, where I rely so heavily on someone else for direction, rules, structure.

I'm all about common goals, that open communication, having specific times to sit down and talk about the relationship.

 

[surrenderedfaith]

Thank you so much for your input Cookie!
I am grateful that you shared the evolution of your experience.

I can totally understand why you would not put yourself in the same situation again. *offers hugs*

 

[Erosfan]

When I first got in to the kink world, the idea of a contract was intensely appealing (as in, it got me really wet). The thought of giving up this level of control in a very specific way got me hot and bothered.

I was in a two year M/s relationship but we never had a contract. I was really new. I thought it was thrilling I had "no limits" and just said yes to whatever he wanted. Which was pretty much the case UNTIL I was presented with something I could not do. Hard limits! They're a good thing to think about before you get in to a situation.

The only time I really had a contract - and that was pretty loose - was when I was involved in a poly relationship. As you mentioned, surrendered, this relationship was all about sitting down on a weekly basis, discussing what worked, what didn't, who was doing what with whom. It was all about being open and that gave me a lot of reassurance. The odd thing is, he cheated on me.

So now, I'm not about specifics, contracts, rules. Life is too undependable, too chaotic. My husband and I had pretty clear D/s roles and rules. When life threw us a huge curveball, 99% of that went out the window. It left me adrift. I will never put myself in that situation again, where I rely so heavily on someone else for direction, rules, structure.

I'm all about common goals, that open communication, having specific times to sit down and talk about the relationship.

Well said cookiecat! I have given myself completely more than once in relationships. No contracts. Either was free to walk away at any time. We all have our limits and we need to save that safety factor just in case we need to put the brakes on.

 

[SissySalina]

Relationships evolve, with long term one the end never seems anything like the beginning.
If you need a contract, then just write: Trust and Communication Required.
Like the ocean a relationship, no matter the type, is ever evolving and changing and a piece of paper can't cover everything so the only thing dependable are the 2 parties involved.

 

[GidgetsCorner]

When I started we tried the whole contract thing... It was just a limiter. One day I am like no and the next I was like violate me! Drove my husband nuts!

Instead we found some lists of activities on the net and we went through those... The lists had a scale of interest and such. It allowed him to know when was the right time for him to do certain things like when I got super horny & anything checked on the list was going to be OK...

On the list were choices to make things a hard limit and would never do no matter how horny...

It has worked out much better than a contract for me... The contract thing was really hot making and signing... The first play session totally lived up to the contract but after awhile I was why don't you do this to me and he said because it's not int he contract! LOL

I would say if you have a steady partner /husband/wife the contract isn't needed in my experience. From all my kinky conversations with him he knows what I want and need. As I have given my vows in marriage to him... In the bedroom I have given him my submission and total control..

As is the common theme around here communication is the key! If you don't hold back and be honest then your partner can really meet your need!

 

[ControllingKink]

The idea of a contract in the d/s realm may seem appealing, but it of course an illusion, as it is completely unenforceable: it won’t protect you or anyone else from being suddenly “dropped”. A contract is only as reliable as the person who makes it. It’s a good idea to discuss the things that are important to you with your partner and if a contract adds to your kink or fetish more power to it. But it isn’t worth any more than that.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Contracts: Thoughts, feelings, impressions, experiences?​

One of the reasons I'm drawn to the idea is also the dependability.

I had one in the past, and before it collapsed, the cracks were first visible in the contract. She wasn’t doing stuff we had agreed upon and I didn’t call her enough on it and go to the mat. I think it was useful in that way as a measuring stick, if not perfect. It also forced a conversation near the beginning that was particularly useful.

My little and I have not had one, but we are rethinking that. It wouldn’t be too big - a cute little fun-sized Snickers contract, something you could tattoo on a runt beagle puppy, should the mood strike you. I’m good on big ideas and rituals, but I always have to work on consistency. Plus, we are all busy in this world, and we have... moods. I think having things written down in general can provide more structure and insulation beyond tired and mood (say, for exercising). You know, “this is just what we do, and if not, why not?”

I want to note here that I am firmly against contract killings. Although I bet the contract part of contract killings (similarly) keeps things neat if you, say, kill the wrong guy or accidentally fall through the acoustical tile ceiling of the Estonian Vice President’s hotel room with your fishing spear or whatever.

 

[seela]

or accidentally fall through the acoustical tile ceiling of the Estonian Vice President’s hotel room with your fishing spear or whatever.

Dude, I told you about this in strict confidence.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Dude, I told you about this in strict confidence.

Yes, well. I think everyone knows that you had nothing to do with that business at the Hotel Lujo Santiago in 2014. That’s just silly. That... whatever-it-was... clearly wasn’t you or anyone who looked like you, and the room service mushrooms and no-nut TV-porn charges could mean, really, anything.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Yes, well. I think everyone knows that you had nothing to do with that business at the Hotel Lujo Santiago in 2014. That’s just silly. That... whatever-it-was... clearly wasn’t you or anyone who looked like you, and the room service mushrooms and no-nut TV-porn charges could mean, really, anything.

Mushrooms were me, sorry.

(There's a Thai place near us that delivers deep-fried mushrooms. So good.)

 

[LauraWilling]

Relationships evolve, with long term one the end never seems anything like the beginning.
If you need a contract, then just write: Trust and Communication Required.
Like the ocean a relationship, no matter the type, is ever evolving and changing and a piece of paper can't cover everything so the only thing dependable are the 2 parties involved.

I would go along with this and agree, the two most important things for a "contract" between a couple are honesty and communication. These to me are absolutes. I am and always have been submissive to others. My husband was definitely Dominant. Our "contract before we married, was all verbal with both of us promising each other to always be honest, open in all our communications with each other. Limits were established as were always telling the other what may happen before hand (this because of my work in particular) or as soon as possible after the fact. Admittedly this was mainly for me being open and honest with him, but there were a few applications to him. Those were the basics, but you get the point. Trust takes time to build, but can be broken with a single lie. Our marriage lasted 34 years until he passed away.

We also had many discussions and at times a few changes were made as limits or physical abilities arose of in case of limits push beyond, or new things added in what one partner might need or want.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Mushrooms were me, sorry.

(There's a Thai place near us that delivers deep-fried mushrooms. So good.)

*Estonian secret service on your doorstep in five...four...*

Fun fact for hitman mushrooms: fungus!! spelled sideways is Guns! FU!

 

[MEbullmoose]

Personally, I would not want a contract as a Dom. However, I do see the need if the relationship is not built on trust. Everyone grows during a relationship and with that their needs. If the relationship is purely physical and not intended to build each person up, then yes I can see the contact.