Constructive Suggestions Please

[Lascivious8]

This is the second story I have submitted. Shortly I would like to write chapter two and I could use some suggestions before I start. I have an editor who is a fantastic teacher but I figure more feedback couldn't hurt. Cheers. http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=282650

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

This is the second story I have submitted. Shortly I would like to write chapter two and I could use some suggestions before I start. I have an editor who is a fantastic teacher but I figure more feedback couldn't hurt. Cheers. http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=282650

Try dialogue. It makes the characters so much more interesting and gets you away from the boring "I... I... I..."

This is writen like a diary entry. You are telling the story, not showing the story. Imagry is missing. The story sort of left me cold.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I agree with Jenny (she gets cross if we don't say that).

Seriously, first person is to be avoided at all costs unless you want to analyze someone's thought processes. Then you have internal dialogue - e.g. 'should I phone him or wait for him to call me.'

Unless you have a bit of tension like that, a first person erotic story seems more like a junior grade 'What I did on summer vacation' type of essay.

Also, you shift timeline too quickly. In para one he is four, then he is studying girlie mags and hanging out with the guys, then at ten he moves and he is 18!

If you want to do reflective, start him at 18 looking thru the reeds and get him to reminisce. Works if he thencomes back to reality and goes down the beach to jack off watching the woman.

Timing and pacing are everything in storytelling. Just wish I could get the hang of it.