Constructive criticism requested

[SecretScribe]

/constructive criticism requested
/no aspirations to be a serious poet, just to occaisionally use poetry to give a special gal a lift. So how could this attemp have been improved? Thanks ahead of time.

Someone Special

I'd like to make you blush (from compliments well deserved and gallantry you don't expect).
I'd like to make you catch you catch your breath (from an evening far more than you would expect).
I'd like you to relax (fine dinner, fine wine, and a massage to ease your care)
I'd like to hear you sigh (as massaging turns to stroking upon your skin so fair).

From there I'll say no more,
save to let you know,
I'd do all that I could do,
to give you the finest glow.

 

[WickedEve]

constructive criticism requested
/no aspirations to be a serious poet, just to occaisionally use poetry to give a special gal a lift. So how could this attemp have been improved? Thanks ahead of time.

Someone Special

I'd like to make you blush (from compliments well deserved and gallantry you don't expect).
I'd like to make you catch you catch your breath (from an evening far more than you would expect).
I'd like you to relax (fine dinner, fine wine, and a massage to ease your care)
I'd like to hear you sigh (as massaging turns to stroking upon your skin so fair).

From there I'll say no more,
save to let you know,
I'd do all that I could do,
to give you the finest glow.

As far as a gift goes, you'll be giving her one by just letting her know how you feel. Writing a poem for a woman is very romantic.

I made a few changes for you to look at. In the first stanza, it would be nice to have a rhyme for "expect" other than "expect." I changed "I'd like" to "I want." I think there's more passion in wanting than liking.
In the second stanza, I lengthened some short lines to help with the rhythm some.

I want to see you blush from compliments
well deserved and gallantry you don't expect.
I want to make you catch your breath
from an evening far more than you would expect.

I want you to relax, with fine dinner, fine wine,
and gentle massage to ease your care.
I want to hear your sweetest sighs
as it turns to strokes on skin so fair.

From there I'll say no more,
save to let you know,
I'd do all that I can do
to give you the finest glow.

 

[SecretScribe]

Thanks WickedEve. I appreciate the review. The gift had already been given (it was an online creation), I was just trying to see how it could have been improved (since I am miserable at rework -- ergo why I'll never be serious). I like you did, and I'll keep those thoughts in mind.

Thanks,
SS