Constructive Criticism Please

[tickledkitty]

Hey, folks. Looking for some constructive criticism on my one and only posted story. (See link below.) I've only recieved postive feedback, which is usually qualified with "for a first submission" or similar. So, what could make it better? Thanks in advance for your help!

For those who didn't see the link in my sig line, here it is:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=311693

 

[damppanties]

I think the start is a little slow. There are too many details that are not necessary for the story, like the part about the daughter, or the marriage, etc. I feel that part could have been cut short. I really started enjoying the story once they were getting ready to go to the party. I liked the problem she had with the hair and her internal dialogue about whether she could do it. The little insecutiry lends a nice touch.

When you get to the sex, I felt that there was a 'he does this, she does that' sort of a feeling to it. That gets a little monotonous. The sex is hot, but as a critical reader, I want more variety in sentence structure and I need it to sound less of a list of who did what. Maybe adding a little dialogue or thoughts of the main character would help. Apart from this, I really liked some of your word choices and phrases when it came to the sex.

It's a good story and I enjoyed it, but since you asked, I commented on what I felt could be better. Hope it helps.

 

[GirlWithBoots]

I agree that it's a slow start, but generally really good, especially since I tend to prefer more kinky stuff. Dialogue seemed very natural to me (where I struggle the most) and I felt that she was a real character.
Clean it up and tighten it a bit and you'll have a very nice story.

 

[tickledkitty]

Thank you both for taking the time to read it. This is exactly what I'm looking for.

 

[MarshAlien]

Hey, folks. Looking for some constructive criticism on my one and only posted story. (See link below.) I've only recieved postive feedback, which is usually qualified with "for a first submission" or similar. So, what could make it better? Thanks in advance for your help!

For those who didn't see the link in my sig line, here it is:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=311693

tickkit,

I think that one of the things that could make it better is a less complex opening. It looks like you wanted to get all of your introductory material into the first two sentences, i.e., that Stacy was your long-time friend, that she was your hairdresser, that you had a daughter, that you had been married about 9 or 10 years, that you were at least 45, and that you were getting divorced.

If you started with something simpler, like "Stacy had already decided that the day my divorce became final was going to be a cause for celebration. We had been friends ever since she started cutting my hair, picking up at each appointment exactly where we had left off the time before. She had seen me through the planning for my wedding, and given me the perfect cut for my veil. She had been there for the two years of wedded bliss that culminated ijn the birth of my daughter, and was responsible for my 'mommy cut." And so on. It's actually a slower build up, but I think it flows a little better than what you had, and won't seem to the reader to take quite as long. By the time we get to "Let's go out," we'll be ready to go with you. I actually disagree with damppanties that it was too long; I think you got to the club just a little too quickly. I want to do more than just watch Robin have sex; i want to watch her "become" a bacherlorette, something that I see sex as just a part of.

In general, I think your writing is very good. There were a few spots that could have used some work. In particular, I'm thinking of "My confidence was shaken now, as I began thinking I probably wouldn't fit in. I tried to hide this. It was a familiar feeling that seemed to annoy everyone else." The preceding sentences, about drive and the music, were very strong. These sentences, though, kind of just stopped me. I could understand her lack of confidence (although I'm not sure why that feeling would have annoyed "everyone else." But "I tried to hide this" is too choppy. Maybe you just could have said something about Stacy looking over and sensing her apprehension and, with devilish grin, pulling out a joint.

Hope this helped. I thought the sex was very good, and look forward to reading more from you.

marsh

 

[tickledkitty]

Thank you Marsh! I didn't particularly like the opening either but didn't know how to make it better, so I really appreciate your example. I appreciate your positive comments as well.

 

[Guest]

I liked the story. The first couple of paragraphs were slow, but I'm a firm believer in back story. I need to know who this person is before I can come to care of hate or however the author wants me to feel about them. I was glad I wasn't reading it aloud when I got to the sentence about how the hairdresser had known her.

Marsh is a great one for giving advice about stories, he's straightened out a couple of mine for me. You have talent, it's still a little raw but with the more writing you do, the better you'll become.

Only one other comment. Your first sentence is a little weak when it comes to a hook, you might want to firm it up a bit. The hook is what draws the reader in and makes them want to continue past the first paragraph.

Good luck!

 

[jomar]

Overall your story was pretty hot. Some tweaking here and there would help. I stumbled a bit when he leered at her and said she had nice tits in the bar. I wasn't sure she was ready yet for such bold stuff. You could dribble out details instead of include background all at once - in fact you did mention her age later in the story. I must say your story passed the most important test a stroker can pass; the peter-meter test!

 

[tickledkitty]

Thank you so much, Danielle. I've read a couple of your stories, and that means a lot coming from you.

Jomar, Jomar, Jomar...You're right about the leering/tits comment. I'm glad I passed the test. Thank you very much.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I liked the story. The first couple of paragraphs were slow, but I'm a firm believer in back story. I need to know who this person is before I can come to care of hate or however the author wants me to feel about them. I was glad I wasn't reading it aloud when I got to the sentence about how the hairdresser had known her.

Marsh is a great one for giving advice about stories, he's straightened out a couple of mine for me. You have talent, it's still a little raw but with the more writing you do, the better you'll become.

Only one other comment. Your first sentence is a little weak when it comes to a hook, you might want to firm it up a bit. The hook is what draws the reader in and makes them want to continue past the first paragraph.

Good luck!

I agree with DK. Most of my stories start slow, I want an actual story. I want to know the characters.

 

[Penelope Street]

For me, backstory is usually associated with a backclick.

Hi Kitty,

While I need to know the characters in order to share their plight, I don't need to know their history- if that makes sense. So I agree, the opening is lethargic. I want to get to know the charcters by watching them and listening to them, not by being told about them.

Starting with "What the hell did you do to your hair?" might have been so much better. How can anyone not empathize with a hair faux pas! To me that's a perfect opening- a character in a stressful situation with which I can totally sympathize.

But after this another bit of history about how the hair came to be however it is. I already know Robin has a hair issue- I want to hear what she has to say about it not how it happened. Surely she says something! What she says would tell me so much more about her- even if it's something simple like, "Not good?"

This is where I started to lose interest:
Truthfully, I was hoping that tonight would turn out to be much more than an evening out with a girlfriend. I had been celibate for almost two years, and it was making me crazy. My body was craving the touch of a man. I had become much more sexual in the past few years as my husband's interest in me was fading away. Although I hadn't physically cheated, there had been a few Internet romances. I had even started shaving my pussy and bought a couple sex toys and books—things I wouldn't have done before. What I had heard about women peaking in their 40s was obviously true, at least in my case. I was tired of feeling so buttoned up, tense, and sexless. I was tired of masturbating. I wanted to fuck. I wanted to be normal again, whatever that meant.
Stacy and Robin are about to go clubbing, right? They can so talk about stuff like this! They can share what they feel and what they want and even how they feel about what they want. I felt cheated- partly because I think your dialogue is good enough to convey most of the information you're presenting with exposition.

I confess to skimming after that. When Keith appeared and immediately showed an interest in Robin, my interest vanished. What does this couple have to overcome to be together? I expected all the character development would all lead to some crisis, but I get the impression Robin and Keith are just going to have good sex. So Robin's friend Stacy gives her a quick makeover, then she goes to a club and Prince Charming comes in and sweeps her off her feet. Doesn't that seem just a little too easy?

More so than a sharp opening, what I really think the story is missing is serious tension. The scenes are really well written, but I don't feel any angst. Of course, this is only a problem for those who want suspense in a story. Many readers are happy with simple tales where a couple has sex with no obstacles, but this recipe rarely works for me.

I hope some of that helps! Your writing is fine, and your characters are too. I think the real question is, what do you want to do with them?

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Guest]

Hey Penny, long time no see. How are you??

It's a matter of choice for people. You'll meet both kinds here. I know I've been told straight out that I add too much to a story, too much detail, too much smarm. But I like that in the books I read. I don't exactly need to know their entire life but if you drop me in the middle of something without a clue as to what is going on, I'm more likely to back click out of it.

Penny is a fantastic writer and you should check out her stories. She writes gripping tales with lots of meat. You'll enjoy them.

 

[Guest]

Thank you so much, Danielle. I've read a couple of your stories, and that means a lot coming from you.

Jomar, Jomar, Jomar...You're right about the leering/tits comment. I'm glad I passed the test. Thank you very much.

Aww shucks. Tweren't nothing. Sorry, I was channeling the moonman...

Thanks, I'm glad you liked them.

 

[dshowgina]

first, i think you should simplify your opening
second, more diolagues and less internal thinking, that will be more interesting and readable
hehe, just persoal suggestions!
and welcome
wow gold
wow gold
wow gold

 

[MarshAlien]

Thank you so much, Danielle. I've read a couple of your stories, and that means a lot coming from you.

There's a whole 'nother 'suck up to daniellekitten' thread now. Do you want feedback, tk, or just a bunch of nauseous readers?

 

[Penelope Street]

Hey Penny, long time no see. How are you??

Hi! We've been busy, busy, busy- you know, all that real life stuff that gets in the way of writing!

It's a matter of choice for people. You'll meet both kinds here. I know I've been told straight out that I add too much to a story, too much detail, too much smarm. But I like that in the books I read. I don't exactly need to know their entire life but if you drop me in the middle of something without a clue as to what is going on, I'm more likely to back click out of it.

I agree, it's a matter of taste. Even the best story won't appeal to everyone. Especially with a short story, I'd rather be dropped in the middle of a scene and learn about the characters and their situation while the story unfolds. Just give me a little something so that I can share with the protagonist and I'm good to go.

Penny is a fantastic writer and you should check out her stories. She writes gripping tales with lots of meat. You'll enjoy them.

Thank you.

 

[TKTKTK]

Thank you so much, Penny. You've given me a lot to think about. (Yeah, it's me. I can't post using my regular name this morning. )

 

[TKTKTK]

There's a whole 'nother 'suck up to daniellekitten' thread now. Do you want feedback, tk, or just a bunch of nauseous readers?

I want feedback, of course.

 

[MarshAlien]

I want feedback, of course.

I know, I'm just using your thread to give dani a hard time. You know, because everybody luuuuuuuvs her. [size=-6]so do i, keep it to yourself[/size]

 

[TKTKTK]

Ok. I thought you were serious. Hey, I just read one of your stories. I liked it a lot.

 

[MarshAlien]

Ok. I thought you were serious. Hey, I just read one of your stories. I liked it a lot.

Thank you. There are no separate "suck up to MarshAlien" threads, so that's perfectly appropriate right here.

And you, if I'm not mistaken, would be the Artist Formerly Known as Tickled Kitty. So, does that virginity restoration thing hurt?

 

[tickledkitty]

Ahem. Only to my ego. I think I'm myself again though.

 

[MarshAlien]

Ahem. Only to my ego. I think I'm myself again though.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

I have a headache. You're not anybody else, are you? You should keep the other alt, and then when people have forgotten it's you, you can use it to critique other people's work or praise your own.

No, of course I don't do that. I just happen to like daniellekitten's work. Why, when I was writing "Key to Her Heart"...[size=-4]oops[/size]

 

[tickledkitty]

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

I have a headache. You're not anybody else, are you? You should keep the other alt, and then when people have forgotten it's you, you can use it to critique other people's work or praise your own.

No, of course I don't do that. I just happen to like daniellekitten's work. Why, when I was writing "Key to Her Heart"...[size=-4]oops[/size]

Don't you think the TK part would give it way? I have a hard time criticizing other peoples' work anyway, because I'm afraid they'll turn around and say, "Yeah, well you suck too."

 

[MarshAlien]

Don't you think the TK part would give it way? I have a hard time criticizing other peoples' work anyway, because I'm afraid they'll turn around and say, "Yeah, well you suck too."

Well, you're probably right, about the TK part. As far as criticism goes, you just have to develop a thick skin here. Somebody's always willing to tell you that you wrote the best story ever on Lit, and he's followed by the guy who tells you that your story sucked worse than anything else he's ever read on Lit. Sort of good comment, bad comment. I've come to think of critiquing, though, here in the Story Feedback Forum, as a very useful exercise, not only for me, but also for the people who want the critiques. And while I haven't yet told anyone to give up writing, I have suggested that some people ought to put a considerable amount of work into their next project. And if they want to tell me my story sucks, hey, they can go ahead.