Constructive Criticism for "Beyond Words"

[Isobael]

Hello, all...

I'm asking others to look at "Beyond Words" and give me some constructive criticism.

Heck, if you want, do all of my stories too! LOL

"Beyond Words" just happens to be the latest I'm working on.

I've gotten a lot of reader feedback that is positive, so I think I'm onto something here with this one.

If you'd rather, you can send me your opinions via private message or email.

Be honest...as I need to better my writing.

It's considered non-human romance, as one of the main characters is a vampire, the other is a witch. I suppose you might want to read "Mirror Witch" to understand a few of the supporting characters.

My main trouble is showing versus telling. I need to be more descriptive...and show what characters see rather than list it out. I need others to look at it and point out what I missed, and where.

Dialogue is probably another trouble I have. Am I jumping between characters' POV too much during conversations?

It's a bit slow, I know...there's a juicy bit in there, but I'm working on character development and building the antagonist up.

Anyway, let me know...

And thanks, Elianna, for pointing this forum out to me!


~Isobael

Chapter 1: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=359508

Chapter 2: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=359771

Chapter 3: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=360619

The rest of the stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=568807&page=submissions

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I'll look at it tonight and give you my thoughts in the morning. It's after midnight and me eyes are getting pretty dim, sweety
JJ

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I got through chapter one. I found it rather boring and slow moing. Your writing is not bad but there are a few things you need to learn.

Your first paragraph just left me dead. Looking at it agains this morning, I see what the problems were.

1) It's just not interesting enough to really grab the reader and make him WANT to read the rest. That gets you lots of back clicks.

2) The first line reads: "She watched him from a vantage point across the..." I took this as your image is confused here. The problem phrase is "vantage point". It sounds like she's hanging from the ceiling or something. Later you find she is a fairie so that's possible, but is that what you meant? You need to be absolutly clear each step along the way.

3) Your second sentence reads: "He was waiting at his table, and ever-present bodyguard sitting a a nearby table. This is kicking the redundancy thing. You tend to do that from time to time. I always try an not duplicate a word in a sentence, expecially a "hard" word like a noun.

I would just have said something like the bodyguard was "seated nearby." Clean, simple and non-redundant.

Then in the first line of the fifth paragraph: "She made her way over to him, he soft sounds of tinkling..." Yeah. I do that a lot too. An editor would have caught that.

As you get into the story, your dialogue seems more like banter to me than something that really moves the story along. It's something like a lot of chatter but not much action. That just slowed the story down even more.

When you characters speak, it should be directly involved with the action and plot. You seem to wander.

This is a short story. The active word is short. This is what I do. I write the story beginning to end. Set it aside for a few days. Then go back and read it with a red pencile. Everything that doesn absolutly NEEDS to be there gets crossed out. Then I go back and rewrite it with those corrections.

The result is a lot shorter, much tighter story with a lot faster pace.

You did get into a bit of discription in the beginning, with the wings and gown and all. But that's okay. The rest simply lacks clear imagry that would show the reader what you are trying to tell him/her.

At first I though imagery too hard. It's not. It has to do with the words you chose. For instance, "her red dress" as apposed to "her flowing, low-cut, carnillion gown" That's 3 more words, but created 100 words of discription. Does that make sense?

Generally, your story idea is pretty good. I think with a little concentration you'll do alright as a writer here.

JJ

 

[evanslily]

Hi there!

I took a look at Chapter 1 and sent you a pm.

 

[Isobael]

Thanks or the feedback, JJ.

I'm in the process of a major revision and will be reposting it to Lit when I'm done.

I'm hoping it will be more detailed.

I suppose I ought to have said that this story is a continuation of a previous story. Or maybe I should say this story is one of a series. Characters are mentioned in previous stories, so you might not get the whole reason for their meeting at first.

I'll take your advice under consideration as I edit.

 

[Isobael]

Hi there!

I took a look at Chapter 1 and sent you a pm.

Thanks, Lily.

I replied in PM as well. I'm editing Chapter 1 and using your advice to change how I wrote things. It made a lot of sense.

=)