Confusions

[poppy1963]

Sometimes I will "meet" a man here at Lit and we seem to click in conversation and so on. He mentions he likes/is to be a bit of (or more) a Dom. I'm not exactly prone to being a bit of (or more) of a sub but the whole thing interests me and I've stated at times my curiousity in exploring these things more. I tell them, if it goes further then, the things that interest me and the things that don't or those that seem a bit too scary...and then it seems we talk "about" or "around" some of these things but don't really move into these things much in a cyber way. I'm not sure why. We may go on to cybering/phone but remain more in the conventional (or we may not go on to that at all). I did have one man who I thought was pushing some aspects too FAST like wanting me to "say" I was "owned" by him on the first call...lol.

So my questions are...if you as a Dom started into a new "relationship" with someone like me (one who didn't necessarily set out to find a Dom and who is a bit unsure of what to make of it) who is curious but not real pushy into things of this nature, how would you start to direct the relationship? I guess that's what I wait for is some cue or direction to see how things go. Perhaps I do give off cues or something that tell him that's not the way to go...for example, it is unlikely to proceed to real life...ever. Is that like an automatic "rule out"?

Anyway...as a Dom...how would you start to nudge or move things into exploration of BDSM with someone like me...a little older, curious, a little nervous about it all, not likely to initiate that, not available for real life encounters? Would you even want to start something under those conditions?

 

[FurryFury]

I would try to get to know a person that I was interested in first. Then find out what their specific BDSM areas of interests were and how they matched up with mine or not. Also soft and hard limits would have to be known. Then if our interests matched up and that includes wanting to take it to RL or not, I'd proceed.

Fury

 

[SweetErika]

I'm not exactly prone to being a bit of (or more) of a sub but the whole thing interests me and I've stated at times my curiousity in exploring these things more. I tell them, if it goes further then, the things that interest me and the things that don't or those that seem a bit too scary...and then it seems we talk "about" or "around" some of these things but don't really move into these things much in a cyber way. I'm not sure why.

Perhaps it's because they're just as confused as I am as to what you're looking for. You say you're "not prone to being a bit of a submissive" yet you're curious and exploring, which gives me the impression you may not know what you're into. If you're curious, I'd suggest learning more and figuring out if you have a submissive side, feel the need/want to explore it with other people, and what, specifically, you find arousing/intriguing.

In other words, you need to figure out who YOU are and what YOU want so you can find partners who meet those needs, just like in any other relationship. Quite a few PickYourLabels (Dom/mes, Tops, Masters, Whatevers) claim they can read minds, but that just isn't the case.

We may go on to cybering/phone but remain more in the conventional (or we may not go on to that at all). I did have one man who I thought was pushing some aspects too FAST like wanting me to "say" I was "owned" by him on the first call...lol.

It sounds like he was a HNG (Horny Net Geek - one, usually an immature male, who plays a role, like the "All Knowing Master," just to get thrills/off). Or, perhaps if you were fairly quick to cyber/phone and clear about wanting nothing in RL, he was just having fun playing a role, or he's simply one of those Doms who's way out of touch with reality. Anyway, you'll probably find many more of that type if you limit your interactions to virtual.

So my questions are...if you as a Dom started into a new "relationship" with someone like me (one who didn't necessarily set out to find a Dom and who is a bit unsure of what to make of it) who is curious but not real pushy into things of this nature, how would you start to direct the relationship? I guess that's what I wait for is some cue or direction to see how things go. Perhaps I do give off cues or something that tell him that's not the way to go...for example, it is unlikely to proceed to real life...ever. Is that like an automatic "rule out"?

What's "not the way to go"?

There are MANY people like you who aren't looking for RL interaction; D/s or BDSM isn't any different in that respect. If you want to limit it to cyber/phone, you can find a plethora of men who will take you up on that in a heartbeat because usually they can't take it to RL safely due to their marital/relationship status, location, personal issues or the fact that they're been playing a role and couldn't reveal who they really are. Just be clear about what you're seeking from the start so you don't get a poor match.

I don't do cyber-only (or even mostly) relationships, so I can't answer your other questions, but I'm sure there are plenty of people who could be good matches for you. Again, though, I think you'll increase the likelihood of that by clarifying who you are and what you want/need/are interested in with yourself first.

 

[trojan_man_co]

i agree with erika... it sounds like you are quite new to the life style and the concepts. a large part of bdsm is self discovery. Discovering who you are and what it is you desire/need. always always always communication is the best policy with starting a new relationship weather its online or in real life. you expectations your desires your limits your hopes.. all of these should be expressed as best as you can...

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Sometimes I will "meet" a man here at Lit and we seem to click in conversation and so on. He mentions he likes/is to be a bit of (or more) a Dom. I'm not exactly prone to being a bit of (or more) of a sub but the whole thing interests me and I've stated at times my curiousity in exploring these things more. I tell them, if it goes further then, the things that interest me and the things that don't or those that seem a bit too scary...and then it seems we talk "about" or "around" some of these things but don't really move into these things much in a cyber way. I'm not sure why. We may go on to cybering/phone but remain more in the conventional (or we may not go on to that at all). I did have one man who I thought was pushing some aspects too FAST like wanting me to "say" I was "owned" by him on the first call...lol.

So my questions are...if you as a Dom started into a new "relationship" with someone like me (one who didn't necessarily set out to find a Dom and who is a bit unsure of what to make of it) who is curious but not real pushy into things of this nature, how would you start to direct the relationship? I guess that's what I wait for is some cue or direction to see how things go. Perhaps I do give off cues or something that tell him that's not the way to go...for example, it is unlikely to proceed to real life...ever. Is that like an automatic "rule out"?

Anyway...as a Dom...how would you start to nudge or move things into exploration of BDSM with someone like me...a little older, curious, a little nervous about it all, not likely to initiate that, not available for real life encounters? Would you even want to start something under those conditions?

ok i've thought about it since you first posted this and i have to ask, how can you expect to experience this lifestyle if you do not ever plan on taking it outside of the computer or the phone? i realize everyone is different, but i don't think you can really really experience anything in this relationship without playing in 'real life' as well as on the phone or on the computer.

my next question is the same as Erika's. you have not made it very clear at all as to what exactly you are looking for, your post, for the most part, confused the heck out of me LOL. i think you need to decide what you want before even attempting to find a Dom or whatever you're looking for. good luck to you

 

[poppy1963]

Thanks to everyone for your observations and comments. I think you sense rightly in that I am unsure about pursuing this and do NOT know exactly what I want. I was hoping that an experienced Dom/Domme might be available here to guide me a bit "out loud" on the thread for others to evaluate and provide feedback on as well. That seems to me a good way to learn.

The responses here seem to go from one end of the spectrum to the other...lol...so I don't feel so bad "not knowing" for sure...hee hee. It would appear that it is just what a couple "makes it" and "what works" is more the answer...as has been offered in other previous threads to me. So perhaps a continued search in private IS the best way for me. Since I, too, have limitations...it will never be what most of you experience. I suppose I'm just looking for a taste of things...to experience most everything in life at least "a little".

Again! Thank you all for your input. I do appreciate that every single time I've brought questions to the BDSM forum, people here have responded and offered the benefit of their learning and experience. That is most kind.

Enjoy the day all! I'll check back for more responses. I have learned some good things here to help me from all sides (support, educate, challenge) of the coin!

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Thanks to everyone for your observations and comments. I think you sense rightly in that I am unsure about pursuing this and do NOT know exactly what I want. I was hoping that an experienced Dom/Domme might be available here to guide me a bit "out loud" on the thread for others to evaluate and provide feedback on as well. That seems to me a good way to learn.

The responses here seem to go from one end of the spectrum to the other...lol...so I don't feel so bad "not knowing" for sure...hee hee. It would appear that it is just what a couple "makes it" and "what works" is more the answer...as has been offered in other previous threads to me. So perhaps a continued search in private IS the best way for me. Since I, too, have limitations...it will never be what most of you experience. I suppose I'm just looking for a taste of things...to experience most everything in life at least "a little".

Again! Thank you all for your input. I do appreciate that every single time I've brought questions to the BDSM forum, people here have responded and offered the benefit of their learning and experience. That is most kind.

Enjoy the day all! I'll check back for more responses. I have learned some good things here to help me from all sides (support, educate, challenge) of the coin!

well if you are unsure yourself of what you want, how do you expect a Dom to guide you into what you want?? before you can give your submission or your control over to a Dom, you must first know what it is you want, and have control over it, if you don't, how can you give it ?? no Dom is going to be able to guide you into this lifestyle without knowing what it is you want. you said something about you having limitations, i do as well, but trust me, you can still have a very fulfilling journey, even with 'limits' though i must admit my limits are much fewer than they once were......

 

[poppy1963]

well if you are unsure yourself of what you want, how do you expect a Dom to guide you into what you want?? before you can give your submission or your control over to a Dom, you must first know what it is you want, and have control over it, if you don't, how can you give it ?? no Dom is going to be able to guide you into this lifestyle without knowing what it is you want. you said something about you having limitations, i do as well, but trust me, you can still have a very fulfilling journey, even with 'limits' though i must admit my limits are much fewer than they once were......

All good points and you have just described the misguided theme of my life...

I've lived most of it either feeling like a "pinball" or just wandering meandering around in the "sea of too many choices"...

Most grocery stores both scare and excite me these days...way way too many choices but I am still compelled to go to the "most extravagant and exotic" of them...phewwwww. No wonder I feel all tuckered out so young...

 

[Flyin_Free]

well if you are unsure yourself of what you want, how do you expect a Dom to guide you into what you want?? before you can give your submission or your control over to a Dom, you must first know what it is you want, and have control over it, if you don't, how can you give it ?? no Dom is going to be able to guide you into this lifestyle without knowing what it is you want. you said something about you having limitations, i do as well, but trust me, you can still have a very fulfilling journey, even with 'limits' though i must admit my limits are much fewer than they once were......

So how do you know what you want without ever having done them? I mean certain "thoughts" of things turn me on, but maybe those things wouldn't turn me on in real life....or maybe they would.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

You talk about things with the person.

Spend time getting to know them.

You listen to music, watch movies, see what kind of books they read.

You talk with them.

You go to meals with them, go shopping, see shows... You see how they react to the wait staff, service personnel, do they get emotionally wrapped up in a good play?

And you talk with them. You share yourself with them. And you watch them. How do they react? Are they listening to YOU, learning about YOU while you learn about them?

You discover people you can trust. People you can be open and honest with, people who can help you try things, explore and discover what kinds of things you may like, or dislike. Try it once and if it doens't work, try it again with someone who approaches it a bit differently. It might not be the toy you dislike but the way it's being used. Different hands make the same toy feel different.

And you TALK to them some more.

If what you are seeking is there, it is there. If it isn't, learn what you can, thank them for the time and consideration, and move on.

An Owner/slave or Dominant/submissive relationship is just that - a RELATIONSHIP. Two (or more) people figuring out what works for THEM. There is no magic one-size-fits-all solution to making a relationship a good, healthy, loving one. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Don't be in a rush, be willing to take time to discover what works for you, and what doesn't. Be open to the possibility that what didn't work with one person might work with another. You never know until you try.

 

[poppy1963]

You talk about things with the person.

Spend time getting to know them.

You listen to music, watch movies, see what kind of books they read.

You talk with them.

You go to meals with them, go shopping, see shows... You see how they react to the wait staff, service personnel, do they get emotionally wrapped up in a good play?

And you talk with them. You share yourself with them. And you watch them. How do they react? Are they listening to YOU, learning about YOU while you learn about them?

You discover people you can trust. People you can be open and honest with, people who can help you try things, explore and discover what kinds of things you may like, or dislike. Try it once and if it doens't work, try it again with someone who approaches it a bit differently. It might not be the toy you dislike but the way it's being used. Different hands make the same toy feel different.

And you TALK to them some more.

If what you are seeking is there, it is there. If it isn't, learn what you can, thank them for the time and consideration, and move on.

An Owner/slave or Dominant/submissive relationship is just that - a RELATIONSHIP. Two (or more) people figuring out what works for THEM. There is no magic one-size-fits-all solution to making a relationship a good, healthy, loving one. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Don't be in a rush, be willing to take time to discover what works for you, and what doesn't. Be open to the possibility that what didn't work with one person might work with another. You never know until you try.

Once again the picture of this type of relationship seems to be built like any other...but yet the stages beyond finding someone you trust, like, admire, love, etc,..are quite more intense (or at least acknowledged out loud) than more "traditional" relationships.

Becoming a submissive/slave to another person requires something more. Geoff...please continue describing how such a relationship develops if you will...

 

[lil_slave_rose]

So how do you know what you want without ever having done them? I mean certain "thoughts" of things turn me on, but maybe those things wouldn't turn me on in real life....or maybe they would.

you are right, but her entire post was filled with indecision and she was asking for advice on where to go. if she doesn't know herself where she wants to go, how can anyone else help her?? you start by finding those things in your thoughts that 'turn you on' and you try them out, but you can't expect someone to 'guide' you if they've no clue as to what you're looking for.....

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Once again the picture of this type of relationship seems to be built like any other...but yet the stages beyond finding someone you trust, like, admire, love, etc,..are quite more intense (or at least acknowledged out loud) than more "traditional" relationships.

Becoming a submissive/slave to another person requires something more. Geoff...please continue describing how such a relationship develops if you will...

i am not sure what you are trying to get out of us. i think Geoff did a wonderful job of describing how it works. i dont' see how it 'takes something more' just because it's a Dom/sub relationship. IMO, you either have it or you don't.....IE: you're either submissive or you're not..or You're either Dominant, or you're not. i believe we have one or both of those traits and if you find the right Dom, He will be able to nurture it out of you, but as you said in your original post, you are not willing to take it into real life so i'm not sure exactly what experience you will get with this lifestyle. again i wish you good luck

 

[catalina_francisco]

So how do you know what you want without ever having done them? I mean certain "thoughts" of things turn me on, but maybe those things wouldn't turn me on in real life....or maybe they would.

My answer to that is if you know yourself fairly well and are honest with yourself, you will usually be able to seperate fantasy from possibly real desires, and then the next step is the only way to really find out and that requires actually trying that which seems to ring your bells.

Catalina

 

[Flyin_Free]

.....

 

[poppy1963]

i am not sure what you are trying to get out of us. i think Geoff did a wonderful job of describing how it works. i dont' see how it 'takes something more' just because it's a Dom/sub relationship. IMO, you either have it or you don't.....IE: you're either submissive or you're not..or You're either Dominant, or you're not. i believe we have one or both of those traits and if you find the right Dom, He will be able to nurture it out of you, but as you said in your original post, you are not willing to take it into real life so i'm not sure exactly what experience you will get with this lifestyle. again i wish you good luck

Ok...that's helpful and kinda brings us back around to my original question. Your answer seems to be that this can only occur in "real life" encounters and yet there seem some/an increasing number of people who carry on the D/s relationships long-distance or via the internet/phone exclusively.

Either way...how would a Dom/me begin to "nurture it out" the submissiveness? I read where some submissives are submissive ONLY in their relationship with their Dom/me and often hold very dominant positions in other areas of life. So it's not ALWAYS "you are either submissive or you're not"....at least not to me. It's somewhat confusing to start to recognize the desire to submit in a loving relationship yet maintain leadership in other aspects of life. I fully accept that those to sets of feelings can coexist...but sorting out the dynamics....and learning to "allow" submission is at the core of my question.

I also think Geoff did a fine job of describing how people find a "life partner" in general. However, there comes a point when the BDSM lifestyle (as is true for other "alternative" lifestyles) takes a different turn from what convention teaches us (kinda....). I am trying to understand that "crossroads" and the highway ahead a little more.

Thanks again for the continuing discussion!

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Becoming a submissive/slave to another person requires something more. Geoff...please continue describing how such a relationship develops if you will...

It develops over time, like any other healthy relationship. You find you are attracted to one another, there's a chemistry. With open, honest communication you get to know each other in depth. You find out if you are deeply compatible, superficially compatible, or not compatible at all.

You find out if you share goals, values, ideals. You discover if your attitudes and feelings on things like family, friendships, children, holidays, religion, politics are complimentary, or in opposition.

You build trust. Because you are, literally, trusting your partner with your emotional and physical health and safety. Without that deep level of trust, surrender isn't likely to happen. You might submit for a scene, but giving up long term control and power without deeply knowing and trusting your partner is not just foolish, it's very likely going to be dangerous. Getting involved with someone after spending 5 - 6 - 10 hours chatting with them over a week is an absolute crap shoot.

Can the person you are interested in be consistently themselves over weeks? Months? In the flesh as well as over the computer or phone? Anyone can keep their shit together over a few chat or phone sessions. Hellooooo.... Actors do characters day in, day out for YEARS. But never, ever confuse the character for the person playing the character. With ONLINE, always assume that you are seeing a character, not the real person.

Even when you are dealing with me.

Until you verify that the person is indeed who and what they say they are, it's better to assume they are just a character in a fun place to play. IF you can verify they are who and what they claim to be, if they are consistent in their face-2-face interactions as well as their online activities, if there is chemistry and compatibility and trust... Then go forward and see just how deep the rabbit hole goes.

If the red flags pop up, let go and move on. There are plenty more out there looking.

 

[poppy1963]

It develops over time, like any other healthy relationship. You find you are attracted to one another, there's a chemistry. With open, honest communication you get to know each other in depth. You find out if you are deeply compatible, superficially compatible, or not compatible at all.

You find out if you share goals, values, ideals. You discover if your attitudes and feelings on things like family, friendships, children, holidays, religion, politics are complimentary, or in opposition.

You build trust. Because you are, literally, trusting your partner with your emotional and physical health and safety. Without that deep level of trust, surrender isn't likely to happen. You might submit for a scene, but giving up long term control and power without deeply knowing and trusting your partner is not just foolish, it's very likely going to be dangerous. Getting involved with someone after spending 5 - 6 - 10 hours chatting with them over a week is an absolute crap shoot.

Can the person you are interested in be consistently themselves over weeks? Months? In the flesh as well as over the computer or phone? Anyone can keep their shit together over a few chat or phone sessions. Hellooooo.... Actors do characters day in, day out for YEARS. But never, ever confuse the character for the person playing the character. With ONLINE, always assume that you are seeing a character, not the real person.

Even when you are dealing with me.

Until you verify that the person is indeed who and what they say they are, it's better to assume they are just a character in a fun place to play. IF you can verify they are who and what they claim to be, if they are consistent in their face-2-face interactions as well as their online activities, if there is chemistry and compatibility and trust... Then go forward and see just how deep the rabbit hole goes.

If the red flags pop up, let go and move on. There are plenty more out there looking.

Thank you. I really like your answer here and think you've given me a kind of confirmation as lil_slave_rose may have been trying to explain as well.

ONLINE even if the desire is real...there are "characters" being played out and "reality" is very limited. I appreciate the candidness in these statements from you both. This doesn't mean that there aren't people online really "seeking" relationships like this (or any other) but if the limitations they present seem odd or too restrictive, pay attention to the "red flags" and move on. Makes sense. In other words, trust your gut feelings first.

Now...a question back to BDSM...You say:

You build trust. Because you are, literally, trusting your partner with your emotional and physical health and safety. Without that deep level of trust, surrender isn't likely to happen.

This makes tremendous sense! So....what is a Dom/me getting from such a relationship? Does the Dom/me experience that kind of "trust" in relationship to the sub? Does a Dom/me "need" that kind of trust? If not, what are the needs that this lifestyle fills and/or the lessons for a Dom/me?

Questions...questions....!

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Ok...that's helpful and kinda brings us back around to my original question. Your answer seems to be that this can only occur in "real life" encounters and yet there seem some/an increasing number of people who carry on the D/s relationships long-distance or via the internet/phone exclusively.

Either way...how would a Dom/me begin to "nurture it out" the submissiveness? I read where some submissives are submissive ONLY in their relationship with their Dom/me and often hold very dominant positions in other areas of life. So it's not ALWAYS "you are either submissive or you're not"....at least not to me. It's somewhat confusing to start to recognize the desire to submit in a loving relationship yet maintain leadership in other aspects of life. I fully accept that those to sets of feelings can coexist...but sorting out the dynamics....and learning to "allow" submission is at the core of my question.

I also think Geoff did a fine job of describing how people find a "life partner" in general. However, there comes a point when the BDSM lifestyle (as is true for other "alternative" lifestyles) takes a different turn from what convention teaches us (kinda....). I am trying to understand that "crossroads" and the highway ahead a little more.

Thanks again for the continuing discussion!

ok, just because you are submissive to your Dominant, does not mean you are submissive to everyone. and when i said 'you either are or you aren't' that is not at all what i meant. i ONLY submit to my Master, no one else, and that is the way it is with just about every submissive i know. there is a misconception it seems (this is not the first time i've seen it) that to be submissive means to be weak and not in 'power' or 'control' of anything in one's life outside of the relationship, i've found this to be very very untrue. i have children, therefore i am in control of them. i've had a job where i had a leadership role, though i am naturally submissive that doesn't mean that i can't hold a place of 'power' and do ok with it....

also i never said that it couldn't happen only online or phone, but i don't understand how you can experience all there is to experience in this lifestyle if you will not take it into 'real life' i know that many have long distance relationships via phone and internet, i am one of those people, for the last 3 years, but eventually, it had to go real time, to experience the sensations, and what it was really like to be submissive in a 24/7 setting. it become 'not enough' with just the phone and internet.

Cat described exactly what i was trying to say in my earlier post about not knowing what you want, and the Dom needing to know what you want in order to guide or 'nurture' your submissive side.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Thank you. I really like your answer here and think you've given me a kind of confirmation as lil_slave_rose may have been trying to explain as well.

ONLINE even if the desire is real...there are "characters" being played out and "reality" is very limited. I appreciate the candidness in these statements from you both. This doesn't mean that there aren't people online really "seeking" relationships like this (or any other) but if the limitations they present seem odd or too restrictive, pay attention to the "red flags" and move on. Makes sense. In other words, trust your gut feelings first.

Now...a question back to BDSM...You say:

You build trust. Because you are, literally, trusting your partner with your emotional and physical health and safety. Without that deep level of trust, surrender isn't likely to happen.

This makes tremendous sense! So....what is a Dom/me getting from such a relationship? Does the Dom/me experience that kind of "trust" in relationship to the sub? Does a Dom/me "need" that kind of trust? If not, what are the needs that this lifestyle fills and/or the lessons for a Dom/me?

Questions...questions....!

it seems to me that you are seeing a 'nilla relationship and a D/s relationship as being totally different than each other in aspects of trust, bonds, etc...IMO, it's no different. trust is mutual in either a vanilla (traditional) relationship or a D/s one. so yes the Dom needs to trust His/Her submissive as well or what is the point in going on with the relationship?

Master and i have been in an online/long distance/phone relationship for 3 years, if He did not trust me there would no point in us continuing on as He has to trust that i will follow through on 'punishments' or whatever He orders of me and trust that i am not just telling Him that i've done 'so and so' to me, though this trust is no different than the trust that is formed between a 'traditional' couple.

 

[nowgirl]

think about what BDSM stands for... bondage & discipline / domination & submission / sadism & masochism. does this excite you? if yes, how? does the idea of being restrained or tied up get you wet? does the idea of being disciplined by your partner turn your crank? do you wish to submit your body, your orgasms, your (insert term here) to your partner? does it go as far as enjoying pain? or taking pleasure in suffering for your partner?

if these things are the stuff of your fantasies... if you wish to pursue these desires more but don't know where to start - i don't see the harm in testing the waters online.

it's not much different than finding anyone else online - you get to know each other first, see if you connect, decide what your interests are. i've met both the icky horny fake "doms" who want to put safety pins in you while you call him master... (run run!!) and i was very fortunate to meet a couple of very patient, knowledgeable Doms who gave me a taste of living a submissive life....

i see plenty of on-line D/s relationships. it's how i got started. i never thought i'd do some of the stuff i did when i first started (whaddya mean smack my ass with a spatula!?) but it worked and it grew.

sooooooooo - you do have some responsibility to find out what floats your boat. i read a ton of stuff on lots of different sites - including here. there are lots of great threads here that give you new perspectives.

good luck! have fun! ask tons of questions! but mostly enjoy....

 

[poppy1963]

think about what BDSM stands for... bondage & discipline / domination & submission / sadism & masochism. does this excite you? if yes, how? does the idea of being restrained or tied up get you wet? does the idea of being disciplined by your partner turn your crank? do you wish to submit your body, your orgasms, your (insert term here) to your partner? does it go as far as enjoying pain? or taking pleasure in suffering for your partner?

if these things are the stuff of your fantasies... if you wish to pursue these desires more but don't know where to start - i don't see the harm in testing the waters online.

it's not much different than finding anyone else online - you get to know each other first, see if you connect, decide what your interests are. i've met both the icky horny fake "doms" who want to put safety pins in you while you call him master... (run run!!) and i was very fortunate to meet a couple of very patient, knowledgeable Doms who gave me a taste of living a submissive life....

i see plenty of on-line D/s relationships. it's how i got started. i never thought i'd do some of the stuff i did when i first started (whaddya mean smack my ass with a spatula!?) but it worked and it grew.

sooooooooo - you do have some responsibility to find out what floats your boat. i read a ton of stuff on lots of different sites - including here. there are lots of great threads here that give you new perspectives.

good luck! have fun! ask tons of questions! but mostly enjoy....

Yeah....some of it appeals or I wouldn't be here asking questions...lol! But I have read too where subs say..."I never dreamed I'd enjoy ___________ and had some real restrictions about it in the beginning." Being that much of it that they talk about includes pain/humiliation (which doesn't appeal to me at all)...I wondered how these submissives were treated to even begin to explore those kinds of things...I mean, I would have to trust and care for another person quite alot to really consider even experimentation in RL with a lot LESS than those.

I know in other areas of living, the internet and forums have taught me many things and have helped me find more self-confidence/self-acceptance as a viable human being even if some others don't think so...heh heh...

I think the initial dynamics of finding a partner are very much like the "nilla" ways...but I also think Nowgirl did a fantastic job describing the "veering off point" for BDSM.

Last but not least, I did suspect the trust issue had to be mutual. I am still not quite understanding though the specific issues of "trust" for a Dom/me. Are these centered around "trusting that one who loves you will commit completely and never deviate from that commitment"? If so...that sounds so unrealistic to me and it would seem a lot of Dom/me's would end up pretty disillusioned. Is that the case? Or what have I got wrong here?

 

[nowgirl]

Last but not least, I did suspect the trust issue had to be mutual. I am still not quite understanding though the specific issues of "trust" for a Dom/me. Are these centered around "trusting that one who loves you will commit completely and never deviate from that commitment"? If so...that sounds so unrealistic to me and it would seem a lot of Dom/me's would end up pretty disillusioned. Is that the case? Or what have I got wrong here?

Don't get me wrong, I'm really new at this. But I had a lot of the same questions. Starting this online does take a huge leap of faith because I could be sitting here eating oreos while i type something like yes yes i have a clothespin on my clit...

For me, the trust stuff started slowly. He didn't ask me to do outlandish things (that came later ) - it started simply like daily online journal entries... try this self bondage thing & take a pic & send it... meeting him online via IM at a specific time... complete some task and report back... once i felt comfortable doing these things and once he trusted that i was actually doing them, we took another step forward. What started out as just an online exploration became a RL meeting.

Humiliation is not part of my submission either... but - it's really up to you and what you decide.

Enjoy the exploration.