confusion ~ nervous

[PaintaPicture]

I started college this semester in the fall and become more 'comfortable' with myself as a bi-sexual woman. Though now that i dont need to worry about being ridiculed by people from high school, or worry about my parents finding out, i'm confused on what i seem to like more. I am quite attracted to women, and i think we(including myself) are beautiful. Yet, i have unfortunately never been with (i.e. had any type of sex or anything past kissing and stroking) a woman. I am also attracted to men, sometimes more sometimes less than women, having nothing to compare it with. I have dated men, mostly ending badly in heartbreak. I guess what i'm trying to ask is, does/has anyone ever been confused on what 'turns you on more'? It's quite hard for me to find a girl to be intimate/date, and i've flirted with girls not realizing they were straight(very awkward). It's so hard for me to break out of my shell and find someone to be close with, without it ending weird.

I've known i have been bi-sexual for quite a long time, but could never figure out how to find someone or what really turns me on. Has anyone else had a similar issue or anything?
words of advice/wisdom are greatly appreciate.

note: I'm not a person just dieing to have a significant other or in desperate need for a girlfriend/boyfriend. I simply enjoy the company and sexual intamcy someone special can bring you.

~thanks~

 

[squarespray]

My guess is that you're a person who gets peak-desire from being in a 3or4some... Not orgy, but an intimate group.

Don't scope too-hard for flaws in your sexual-wiring. Sex was never meant to be personal... It was 'social', cave-life.

 

[Etoile]

Wow, I didn't get the suggestion of polyamory at all. Not sure how you came up with that, squarespray.

PaintaPicture, there's no rule that says you have to prefer one "more" than another. Lots and lots of bisexuals like men and women 50/50, or like men for sex but women for relationships, etc.

My advice to you would be to get involved with your campus's queer organization, if they have one. Don't go there looking for a date, but go looking for friendship with like-minded people. I think you would gain a lot from that.

As for who you should date - only you know for sure. Date whoever you are attracted to. You mentioned flirting with straight girls - that's where I think the queer group will come in handy. You'll get a better feel for who is gay around campus, and you'll develop courage to ask them out.

 

[Night_Jasmine]

Etoile's right, especially if you're attending a public university. Private ones might be a bit more difficult as they can be more 'traditional' in ways of thinking. The one I went to before realizing my sexuality did not encourage homosexuality in any form or fashion.

Take a look around, ask the right questions, you'll find the groups out there.

 

[sparkzzz]

I started college this semester in the fall and become more 'comfortable' with myself as a bi-sexual woman. Though now that i dont need to worry about being ridiculed by people from high school, or worry about my parents finding out, i'm confused on what i seem to like more. I am quite attracted to women, and i think we(including myself) are beautiful. Yet, i have unfortunately never been with (i.e. had any type of sex or anything past kissing and stroking) a woman. I am also attracted to men, sometimes more sometimes less than women, having nothing to compare it with. I have dated men, mostly ending badly in heartbreak. I guess what i'm trying to ask is, does/has anyone ever been confused on what 'turns you on more'? It's quite hard for me to find a girl to be intimate/date, and i've flirted with girls not realizing they were straight(very awkward). It's so hard for me to break out of my shell and find someone to be close with, without it ending weird.

I've known i have been bi-sexual for quite a long time, but could never figure out how to find someone or what really turns me on. Has anyone else had a similar issue or anything?
words of advice/wisdom are greatly appreciate.

note: I'm not a person just dieing to have a significant other or in desperate need for a girlfriend/boyfriend. I simply enjoy the company and sexual intamcy someone special can bring you.

~thanks~

What turns you on is something that nobody else can tell you about. You'll just have to figure that out in time. Patience is the key.

As for how to find someone, I agree with the above posters - this is where the queer support groups are very very helpful.

 

[sunandshadow]

Bisexuality is often confusing. Like me, I find some men and some women attractive looking, but for whatever reason I find women's personalities boring so I am only interested in men as people, I would only fall in love with a man. And I certainly don't like all men - I mostly like pale skinny ones with long, preferably black hair. Or the occasional muscular golden-skinned blond. But not muscular ones with dark hair. Why? No freaking clue.

Anyway, you just need to get to know yourself better so you'll be able to figure out what you always like or what you most strongly like. Try imagining different types of people as potential mates; draw them or write about them if you are creatively inclined, or just fantasize about them, and see what consistently makes your emotions react the most strongly.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

I am bi and it used to be confusing.... but these days I just go with the flow... if someone turns my head I check out what type of sexuality they are and go from there.

I think it is not until we meet the right man or women will we know who we prefer to be with. It may change from relationship to relationship. Not all hetro women like 'all' hetro men.

 

[squarespray]

Wow, I didn't get the suggestion of polyamory at all. Not sure how you came up with that, squarespray.

I was alluding-to desire-arousal, and how some racial-memories carry-forward from human-tribal sex... I didn't want paintapicture to question-her-feelings too seriously. The Blame-Self-First-syndrome sucks...

 

[HeavenCanWait]

it's confusing isn't it!

I've come to the conlusion recently, that I am sexually gay, but emotionally straight. Meaning to me anyway, that I am sexually attracted to men, but emotionally attaracted (fall in love with) women.

If youa re not desperately needing a significant other, I would say wait. Wait, and opccasionally play.

Best of luck to you

 

[Etoile]

I was alluding-to desire-arousal, and how some racial-memories carry-forward from human-tribal sex... I didn't want paintapicture to question-her-feelings too seriously. The Blame-Self-First-syndrome sucks...

Interesting theories, but I still don't see where you came up with the suggestion that she's polyamorous. Regardless of human history, not everyone is poly in their heart. Many people - the majority - prefer monogamy. Questioning one's sexual orientation doesn't mean that one wants to be polyamorous; they're two different issues.

 

[angelkitty7888]

when i was in high school i wasn't out at all even though i had a girlfriend for the better part of two years. I'm ending my first semester at college too and i've been practically screaming 'out' here.... then again i go to school 17 miles away from home.... i find it a lot better here and i feel safe enough to say "yes, i'm claimed by a girl.... and LOVE IT!!!" i'm not involved in the queer group' because at this moment in time i lack time.... stupid english major and too many papers to write.... and tacos to make.....

but that doesn't answer your question! like the others said, attraction is an individual thing. i found my beloved in my best friend but before that i had a boyfriend who didn't even kiss me... (Personally i think that he's gay and in denial but....) i found my love right in front of me so i was lucky and we're still together after 2 1/2 years every one is different don't dispair about not having someone right now... give it time and give yourself the room to experiment. take things as slow or fast as you need to with whoever you choose.

 

[southernsky]

I wouldn't worry about it too much, and I would definitely second the idea to find your gay groups on campus.

Some people don't fit into the simple categories of 'gay' or 'straight', and you sound like one of them. You actually don't have to know. It really doesn't matter. I jokingly call myself an equal opportunity lover, because i wait for someone I'm really attracted to, even though I have been attracted to both men and women, and when I find someone, it doesn't matter to me which sex they are as long as I get that special feeling about them. You really don't have to pick one. Just start paying attention to what kinds of feelings come up when someone turns your head. Is it "i want to date them" or is it "i want to have crazy sex with you all week long and stop when we both cant walk"? Looking at some of your feelings may help you sort it out a little better, but there is absolutely no law that says that you MUST figure out who you're attracted to right now!!!!!

 

[squarespray]

Interesting theories, but I still don't see where you came up with the suggestion that she's polyamorous. Regardless of human history, not everyone is poly in their heart. Many people - the majority - prefer monogamy. Questioning one's sexual orientation doesn't mean that one wants to be polyamorous; they're two different issues.

You're right.
I should've said 'mixed', or M/F 3or4some... where hopefully, avenues of intimacy can be explored/defined in a side-by-side situation, then reflected-upon later.

 

[Etoile]

You're right.
I should've said 'mixed', or M/F 3or4some... where hopefully, avenues of intimacy can be explored/defined in a side-by-side situation, then reflected-upon later.

Why side by side? Is she going to forget what it was like to be with a woman after she is with a man? I still don't understand the focus on multiple partners. Why can't she just have the kind of interactions she's comfortable with, and then reflect on them? How does a threesome help clarify one's sexual orientation more than individual interactions?

 

[squarespray]

Why side by side? Is she going to forget what it was like to be with a woman after she is with a man? I still don't understand the focus on multiple partners. Why can't she just have the kind of interactions she's comfortable with, and then reflect on them? How does a threesome help clarify one's sexual orientation more than individual interactions?

Hmmm... No, she won't forget. The awareness of being watched... if you consider 'exhibitionism' as one avenue (sans sexual orientation) of an individual's lust-lapis (earlobe-caressing, ankle-licking, whatever genetic-inlays a person is born-with)... added-to spontaneous F/M-group play.
Eyes closed, passion-heat... perchance her lovemaking-prowess will be continually drawn-more to one-of-the-sexes. If she finds herself drawn to one over-the-other; 'big-pictured' with (reflected-upon) the day-to-day hum-buzz of social-interacting, she may dispell some of the fog that I-percieved-her-to-be-immersed-in...

 

[Night_Jasmine]

I don't think I could ever do the group thing. Even though I'm still on the look out for my "Ms. Right," I know in my heart that once I find her, I'm not sharing. It's how I am.

I'm too shy as well to participate in groups while looking for her. Don't think I'm comfortable with myself yet.

 

[horsie_gurl]

same

Yeah, you're definately not alone on that feeling. I was going through the same thing too. I was and still am attracted to men, but at the same time i was hiding my secret attraction to several girls, one in particular. I was lucky however in the sense that she was someone i felt completely comfortable with (and i already knew she was bi). So i just admitted my sexuality to her, and she accepted me. She is the one person i feel completely comfortable with and now we are together. Although i am with her, i am still attracted to guys, but that doesn't change my love for her. You dont have to prefer one over another, just find the one person you truely feel comfortable with.

This goes back to what the other people said, find other people who are bi or gay and you will feel more comfortable with it.


good luck, and best wishes!