Confused

[ezervet]

I've been lurking here for a while, and i know this place gets alot of these kinds of posts, but hopefully there's room for at least one more.

I'm bi. (whoo, first time i've said that to anyone but myself in a mirror, or in a chat room.) I've known for a while that i'm attracted, at least sexually, to men. Until recently, I never really let myself think of myself as gay or bi, it was just something shameful that i did. now i've started to think that in all likelyhood, i'll eventually come out as bi or gay or whatever. I'm just, incredibly afraid of what that means. so afraid, that its almost like it would be easier just to hide it forever, even with all the sadness that entails. its not my family i'm afraid of telling, i know my parents and all my brothers would be loving and supportive and all that, though i think perhaps some of my extended family would have to be kept in the dark (or, haha, the closet). my friends, the ones that matter at least, i'm sure would still be my friends, though i'm sure there might be some awkward moments. one of the things that really scares me, or just pisses me off to be honest, is the thought of all the people who ever bullied me or made fun of me finding out that i really AM gay. To be honest, the part of me that hates to be wrong, or to see my enemies win, just cannot handle the thought of all those assholes being right, and all that would entail.

Second of all, i'm not sure how i would even go about BEING bi. i mean, i have a hard enough time in the "normal" dating scene, its kind of scary to go into something completely different. hell its not kind of scary, its really scary.

and maybe i'm not sure that my family will totally accept me. sure, i'm 99% positive, but who knows. and no matter what, its going to be difficult and awkward, which i'd hate. maybe i just need to say to hell with it, come out, and then deal with whatever comes next. i'm good at that kind of thing, i suppose.

any ideas/support/whatever is welcome. emails or PMs too.

 

[Swordplay]

I know where you're coming from, ezervet. I realized my bi side a few years ago, and wrestled with a lot of the same questions and thoughts that you mentioned.

In my experience coming out is always a nerve-wracking experience, even if I'm almost certain that they'll respond positively. I've been lucky in that the friends I have come out to have all been accepting of it. Family can be more difficult just because any rejection on their part will hurt more, but it seems as if yours is pretty open-minded.

How to be bi ... now that's a hard question. Most of the time we fade into either the straight or the gay communities, though some cities do have bi communities and bi scenes. If there's a LGBTQ resource center in your town, see if they host any bi support meetings - here in Toronto there are men's, women's and mixed support meetings every month. Just being able to meet other bi folk and discuss common issues and concerns can be a big help. Failing that, there are boards like Lit and some bi specific ones.

I probably haven't answered most of what you're asking, but I hope this helps. If you want to continue this conversation in private, feel free to send a PM.

 

[ezervet]

thanks

thanks, i guess i know deep down that there's nothing to it but to do it, and that that was all anyone could say. i guess there's no silver bullet for my problems. except for you know, just shutting up and doing it.

 

[Mari J]

I'm bi. (whoo, first time i've said that to anyone but myself in a mirror, or in a chat room.)

Congratulations. An important step. Feels good, doesn't it? I love to see when people take that step.

To be honest, the part of me that hates to be wrong, or to see my enemies win, just cannot handle the thought of all those assholes being right, and all that would entail.

An interesting thought, and here's my take on it: They're not right because you turned out to be bi after all, they're wrong because being bi isn't bad. You won because you now know that it's beautiful. They're stuck in their homophobia, and homophobes are losers.

 

[revolution724]

If it's any consolation, ez, very many of us have stood in that scared and new place of starting to venture out of the closet and very many of us have made it all the way out and lived to tell the tale. I told my parents and didn't die. Amazing, in retrospect.

I don't know how old you are, but it appears that the older you get, the less what those enemies of yours said about you in high school matters. Not that it doesn't hurt at the time, but you eventually start to reach a point that you just can't be bothered to care how your current state compares to a name that an ignorant kid called you years ago. Or that you realize that the only reason you and they thought it was such an awful thing to say at the time was *because* you didn't know any better, and not because it's *actually* bad to be gay or bi. So, they might have been right that you were queer, but they'll never be right to think that that's some kind of shameful thing, you know?

I second whomever recommended a coming-out or bi group. Good way to work things out, good way to meet people. It's great to make friends with a few other queer people for many reasons, too, like a.) having friends is generally good; b.) makes it easier to go to gay clubs and such; c.) they might know someone to introduce you to; d.) you get more comfortable with your own queerness by being around people who don't think it's any big deal, and so forth.

 

[Swordplay]

thanks, i guess i know deep down that there's nothing to it but to do it, and that that was all anyone could say. i guess there's no silver bullet for my problems. except for you know, just shutting up and doing it.

You're right, there is no silver bullet. Like Mari J said, being able to come out to yourself is an important step in itself - but now you have to decide what to do next. From my experience, part of me wanted to shout it out to the world, while the other half of me was deathly afraid to tell anyone at all. In the end I went to some of the bi support meetings, and eventually got up the courage to tell some of my close friends. However, to this day I haven't had a same-sex experience, though it's still something in my mind.

In the end it's up to you to decide what you're comfortable with doing, and when. There's no correct timeline, no correct way to be bi, except for what you define for yourself.

 

[ezervet]

MariJ and revolution724, yeah, you're right, looking back on it, after a day's thought ha, it seems incredibly, well childish or immature to worry about that kind of thing, after all at 19 years old i'm far enough away from when it really happened (middle school, lol) that i should be able to get past it. I guess all my crazy thoughts seem to make sense when theyre just roiling around in my head 24/7. That's why i came here, to get some kind of perspective.

I hope I don't sound like some whiny spoiled brat, because really, that's not who i am. I've just never faced something like this before, and i feel like i have to ask the same questions everyone else does, even though there are probably hundreds of these sort of things i could look at in the archives. Like, what if everyone just thinks my being bi is just a copout for being gay and not wanting to admit it, even my friends? And then i think, maybe i'm so afraid of it because its true, after all, I used to deny being attracted to men at all, maybe liking women at all is just another deep down denial...blah.

Last night, during one of my sort of crazy re-examining of every angle for the umpteenth time episodes, i strongly considered just walking away from this, just putting it down and trying to go forward without thinking about it. I'm glad I didn't. Everyone who knows me seems to think that i'm really confident and not caring about what other people think, but really i spend alot of time being deathly afraid of exactly that. its good to have a place where i can be honest about who i am, even under a pseudonym. i think if i can just keep talking about this, i'll get through this alright, or at least manage to stay sane.

Thanks to you all, really.

 

[Shankara20]

or at least manage to stay sane.

Thanks to you all, really.

And at some point you may find that it is ok to be "not sane" - at least as far as the world sees you.

Congrats on being brave enough to take on this issue at, from my point of view, a young age. IMHO mose judgment comes from fear, others judge you because they fear their own feelings. It might help you to continue to find places to find others that call them selves Bi - like here.

Be brave and be strong and be safe. Keep the questions coming.

 

[Shankara20]

Another List

There is another list that is discussing bisexual lifestyles. It is new and you might find some usefull information there.

Try this Link

 

[ezervet]

Thanks, Shankara. Its nice to hear words of support. i don't know why, but right at this moment, i feel like every thing is going to turn out just fine.

its funny, i'm already thinking in terms of being bisexual and there being a community attached to that, think in terms of "us" and "we." It's a good feeling.

 

[Shankara20]

think in terms of "us" and "we." It's a good feeling.

Welcome home - we are glad you made it, we missed you.