Confused...

[My Own Way]

Hi everyone! This is my first post, but I admit to being a lurker for a very long time...you all are just so nice and informative that I decided that I just had to join in the fun

My question is a relativly silly/simple one...but I just wanted to know...how did ya'll know when it was love and not just lust? I'm seeing a guy now who I really enjoy being with, I'm comfortable with him, we have AMAZING chemistry...but I don't think I love him....

Oh...and I have another question too...lol...how did you know when the time was right to have sex for the first time. I'm a virgin...not for any reason in particular other than I was waiting for a guy who I connected with...well...this quy and I connect pretty darn well...but I've been a virgin for 22 years and I guess I'm just afraid that I'm going to be disappointed....

Thanks guys!

My Own Way

 

[Little Bird]

My first love was a woman I loved over everything else and I would have done everything for her, but I never felt the need to have sex with her. Only to now I was prescious to her was everything I wanted.
In fact it had hurt a bit at first, that it stayed that way since today but I'm sure it was love, not lust.

After that I met a guy who was adorable and all I wanted was to get him into bed. From the beginning to the end I did definetly not love him.
I'm happy nothing actually happened, because after some weeks he turned out to be quite anoying...

Sadly it is probably very seldom that easy to state.

I'm still waiting to meet the one who is the right one. I think the right time to do "it" is when one feels that he wants to. At some point you want to embrace him, then to kiss him and eventually to have sex with him.
If your not sure if you want, then you probably don't want. If he's the right one, he can wait some weeks or months without any problems. If he can't wait, then he's for sure not the right one.

 

[ReadyOne]

Love is more concern for the welfare of someone (or something) than for your own welfare. This is a pretty good operative defination.

Once you get into sex, you almost certainly won't stop. Given that, I fellthat if neither of you are active, then waiting a while can be good. If you both are (and you're not, apparently) then there are more possabilities -- it all depends on what you want.

If the person seems like a keeper, then I'd go to bed asap so 1) we could check that aspect, and 2) they wouldn't give up on sex and move on (realizing thatLove is more concern for the welfare of someone (or something) than for your own welfare. This is a pretty good operative definition.

Once you get into sex, you almost certainly won't stop. Given that, I feel that if neither of you are active, then waiting a while can be good. If you both are (and you're not, apparently) then there are more possibilities -- it all depends on what you want.

If the person seems like a keeper, then I'd go to bed ASAP so 1) we could check that aspect, and 2) they wouldn't give up on sex and move on (realizing that they are seeking a complete package).

If I didn't want to get serious but wanted sex, I'd consider them for a fuck buddy or friend with benefits. The thing is to clearly define between you what the boundaries are, especially with regard to time limits (until the summer break, we graduate, I make my move in 6 months, etc.) and to other partners.

If you're young, you really need to experiment. Probably the worst thing I did was hold out for "the one". Several partners (and many years later) I see all the doors I kept closed, and also see that going though some of them might would have made things a lot better in both the short and long terms.

The thing to remember is that you WILL break up with someone, probably several someones, before you find a partner and situation that works for the long term. Life situations change as you grow up, and your world may be changing every couple of years until you get well into your twenties.

(Yes there are stories of "found the perfect one 99 years ago") but they are generally rare, and often a case where the person settled for "OK" instead of "great". Check back with them after the kids leave...)

So given that you're not going to avoid heartache, try to get the best experience you can before it comes, and realize that you can then move on to the next relationship a better and smarter and more mature individual.

 

[My Own Way]

Thanks Ready One and Little Bird.... I have a tendoncy to overthink and overanalyze a relationship...wanting everything to be just so...and I realize that it's never going to be exactly like I want it.

I AM trying SO hard to avoid heartbreak...been there done that...that I think I shut down and shut off all my emotions...tell myself not to get too excited because he called, because he kissed me, because he wants to be with me just in case it all goes bad.

I think I'm just waiting for that one person I meet and immediatly say...ah yes! I want to spend the rest of my life with him...and I know that's just a silly romantic fantasy...but what can I say? I'm a romantic sap...

Thanks so much for your advice...while I'm still unsure you've given me a lot of things to think about...

My Own Way

 

[NotTheOtherGuy]

Well I'm a little younger, so perhaps I lack some wisdom, but this is what I think of when I'm asked what is love.

Love wasn't always perceived as we perceive it today. It wasn't until the 12th century when a group called the troubadors saw love in a way the closely resembles how we today see it.

Before this time love was Eros, the god who excited you to sexual desire. It's quite impersonal really if you think about it. It's nothing more than the zeal of the organs. In this sense we'd all love each other, which we know isn't true. Although Lit comes close

The other kind of love was known as Agape. This is a spiritual love. A love your neighbor type thing. This is compassion really.

Then the troubadors came along, who really were rebels of their time. Poets really. They came up with Amor. Summarized in the line of a poem well it is "So through the eyes love attains the heart. . ." A great sig for some you perhaps

This was an individual love. Completely personal. To the church it was heresy, defying god. This meant that love for the troubadors took courage. Intersting fact, Amor is ROMA backwards which stood for the Roman church. It was like this on purpose....

Anyway geez..I could go on forever. To get to my point quicker, I Was basically going to say that love is sacrifice. Sacrifice because by sacrificing you will be in bliss.

"By my death do you mean this pain of love? If by my death you, you mean this agony of love, that is my life. If by my death, you mean the punishment that we are to suffer if discovered, I accept that. And if by my death, you mean eternal punishment in the fires of hell, I accept that, too."

This is love. Especially since when this dialogue was written, they truly believed in the fires of hell. I know some people believe in these fires today, don't be offended, but I don't.

So these are my basic thoughts on love. Taught to me by Joseph Campell...great author..check out Power of myth..it's what I was thinking of when I Wrote this...

 

[Woodmiester]

well hell's bell's it's really very simple

If it's Lust they'll swallow, if they spit it's love

that's if your damn lucky to boot!!